Everything Has Changed Part 2

Continued from: Everything Has Changed

I wake up yesterday with tears in my eyes. Mr. Photography dude texts to ask if I’m coming to our friend’s Labor Day barbecue. I tell him I’m not feeling well. I sit in the tub and process what happened the night before.

There’s a reason why I was standing four feet away from player. And what happens after I crossed that boundary…is why I was standing so far away.

Something didn’t feel right. I was so overwhelmed and I didn’t even know why. Something in his body told me that he felt that way too. I sigh. And then I sigh again. He asks what’s wrong. I swallow back my tears. I don’t say anything. Why doesn’t being with him feel right?

After we both seem to have had enough, I sit next to him. He says something about feeling guilty.

Here. We. Go. Again.

Except this time. It’s more serious. He talks about how religion is important to him, as it is to me too. He says what “Heart” has been saying all along, that he wants to be these things with someone that could be his wife one day. Not someone like me. Ouch.

“Someone like you.”

I felt myself about to cry. “Someone like me?” I ask. “What the fuck does that mean?”

He says he didn’t mean to say it like that but he already said it and it hurt.

poemHe keeps saying more about how he didn’t expect this to happen. I ask him why as we spent all summer talking about this one day. And then, he says something I didn’t expect.

“Do you really want me to tell you why? You won’t like it….” he says.

I say no. And then I say yes.

“I was lonely” he said.

Christ.

Ouch again.

But. I guess. I was lonely too…He says I’m tempting, and he wants to control his temptations more. I think I should do the same. We both agree that what we did was out of impulse and we probably should not spend time alone together for a while. And that we are growing and things like this…are a part of life.

As we talk, I laugh and make some jokes. He tells me that I’m bubbly and I’m scaring him.

bubblyI tell him that I’m just acting happy so I don’t cry. It’s true. “I live…in a very scary world. I am so idealistic. And you’re more realistic” I say.

We talk some more and he says he has to get going.

When I tell him that I don’t want to be remembered for things like what just occurred between us, he hugs me and says, “I will remember you as one of the strongest people I know, smiles through everything, and someone who loved pink”.

I quickly wipe away the tears from my eyes.

“That’s probably the nicest thing you ever said to me” I say when we pull back.

He says that’s not true and we keep making jokes to each other as we walk out. He mentions I should see other people. I hate it when guys say that. But. If he doesn’t want me the way I want him…why am I wasting my time? 😦

I ask him where we’re going to go from here. He asks me if I want to meet up today. I say sure. He says he’ll text me and see how I’m doing.

He never did.

I’m worried about him. So I text him.

He never responds.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

xoxo. S.

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