When I came back to school on Monday, everyone was commending me on my play. I was proud of myself. My performance has set me free and I no longer have a panic attack when I hear the word “assault”. Unfortunately, Monday came with a hurdle- I had to politely decline the admission to the combined Bachelor’s/Master’s program at my school. It broke my heart, but I realized two things 1) I can’t afford it 2) I don’t want to stay here an extra year- I am ready to fly away and discover myself in a new place.
As if this hasn’t been enough, it has been a very crazy week with the start of midterms and of course…my job! Yesterday was the big event that I was assistant coordinator for. I think I worked over 50 hours this week. I am exhausted to say the least. Surprisingly, I had been feeling fine about the “Heart” break up. I was amused by how happy I was this week and how little I thought of him. It could be because I was occupied with all of this work.
At the event yesterday, I spotted “Prince Player”. I had to go talk to him. I hate that I am always working when I see him. I decide to put work aside for 5 minutes, we are entering our last year of college and we need to make things right. I go talk to him. About how we should find time to talk. Obviously not then because I was working. He is very hesitant and keeps trying to leave me. I don’t let him and he says we’ll talk next weekend. Oh heck no, I know him very well, the longer he is away from me-the more he thinks to himself and avoids me even longer! I tell him to come later, after I am done with work. He agrees. I wonder to myself how long it will take him to send me an “I’m not coming” text.
It’s probably less than half an hour when I get the text about how he won’t be coming over because he knows I just got broken up with and he doesn’t want to use me as he is trying to become a better person. I roll my eyes all the way to the ceiling.
When I get home 3 hours later, and am just about ready to take a nap after my 12 hour day, I get another text from him. He will be coming over after all. Wonderful. I quickly check my hair and makeup. Both messy. I decide not to fix either. If I know him as well as I think I do, he won’t be staying long anyway. And then I panic and wonder to myself at which point he will say “I feel bad. I shouldn’t have come over”. I bite into a kitkat and nervously chew, wiping my fingers on my bed sheets without thinking. Great. Chocolate everywhere. Hopefully, he doesn’t see it.
When he gets here, I finally get to talk to him about all of the things I wanted to talk to him about. I finally find out the information from him that I want to know…and of course some information I didn’t want to know. He has some questions for me too. It is nice of him to care about this terrible break-up between me and “Heart”. He asks me if I have been talking to all of my ex’s as that is “a habit I have when a boyfriend breaks up with me”. Then I get sad. Very very sad. Because as I told him, “No. None of them can replace what he has given me”. Player makes a comment about how that is “precious”. I laugh. We discuss our relationship. How it will end soon as we are entering our last year.
And so I finally tell him how I have been feeling about our last conversation, “I don’t want to be remembered as the girl you hurt” I say.
“But you are…” he respond.
“But I don’t think of you like that. (How can I anyways? I never hurt him!) I will remember you as the guy that made me stronger than I thought I was” I say.
“That was my goal all along!” he says.
We both stare at each other. And laugh. It’s funny. Hilarious. He was joking of course.
And then after awhile, he says, “You just…. saw the best in me.”
I smile to myself. It’s a gift. I see the best in everyone.
He barely stays an hour and says “I feel bad. I shouldn’t have come”. What did I tell you reader? He says he has to go, but I’m not upset. He asks me about a million times if I am and I say no. I was telling him the truth. “I mean. All the men in my life just kind of come and leave me very quickly. So yea. No. I’m used to it.” I meant to say “no”, but…that’s what came out. Oops. Anyways, he’s hurt that I compared him to the all the other men in my life, I can see it. At this point, he sits down and tells me what has been going on in his life lately. I felt bad, because, I’ve been there. It seems he is going through the same exact hardships I am going through (or sadly, already went through). I process what he has told me and sit still. How does he not see we are more similar than different?
He’s upset. I can tell. I’m upset that he’s upset.
“If you’re upset, tell me you’re upset! I just wish you would tell me when you were upset!” I give him a half smile. He still thinks I’m upset about him leaving so soon. I assure him (again) that I am not upset. For heavens sake, I was actually happy that he even came to see me and I finally got to catch up with him! So he finally believes me and we say our goodbyes. I tell him to text me if he wants to talk and he says he will. I’m alright. But as soon as he left, I shut the door behind me and was left with tears in my eyes. I was happy to see him…why was I suddenly crying? I shut my eyes to go back to sleep and I realize why. I may see the best in everyone, but there are few people who see the best in me. And the one that saw the most best in me? “Heart”. I lost the best in me after the “Prince Player” scandal and everything that went wrong my freshman year. But “Heart” brought it back. The best of me ❤