It’s been 2 and 1/2 days since “Heart” broke up with me for good. I feel like the past year of my life has been a lie. It’s like his words are tattooed onto me.
“We were never together…I never had feelings for you”
“It’s pointless, to be honest”
“Trust me. It’s better for both of us. Well at least for me. For the first time in my life im doing something for myself”
“Simply, move on. As hard as it sounds”
“We don’t connect well as I hope we can. I don’t feel the same as I used to feel. And it’s better we let go and find ourselves somewhere else”
“You treat me like I’m the only person in the world” (When I told him he treats me like I’m dumb)
Damn. That last one. Isn’t that how people want to be treated? And everything else…if he never had feelings for me, what was it that we had then? He used me? I have so many questions, but I know I will never get the answers because he told me to delete his number and move on. I will never understand what I did to make him do this to me.
At least this time, he got the timing right. He didn’t do it during my midterms or my performance. Also, on Friday and yesterday, my roommates were gone. This was good. It gave me time to cry and just be alone. I was extremely busy both days with events at school, but I would randomly get sad at what happened Thursday night. I felt like someone I loved died. That’s what it felt like. Him telling me not to contact him…how else am I supposed to feel if I can never speak to him again?
And then. I started to hate myself. I wanted to know what I possibly could have done to make him leave me. Why was he acting like I did something wrong. I didn’t, Why was he treating me so poorly? He was the one breaking up with me, not the other way around (cue the Alicia and Will GIF <3) But mostly, I wanted to know how I was blinded by him, how could I not see that he was just using me? 😦
Last night, I went to tell Mr. Photography dude the news.
“You know something, this past year of my life has been a lie. The only reason why I was able to achieve all the accomplishments I did this year like make the Dean’s list, get into the Master’s program, get two jobs, get casted in a play…was because of the confidence I got from ‘Heart’. And then he tells me we never had anything. So…everything has been a lie” I told him.
He shakes his head. “No. YOU did all those things by yourself! Sure he may have been there to make you feel better, but was he the one cramming for your exams? Was he the one that wrote all those application essays? Don’t make me go on! YOU DID IT. So no! The only thing that was a lie, was him. And I’m sorry about that Sad Beauty, I am” he says treating me to a latte.
I accept his gift. He has always supported “Heart” …but I knew this is where he will draw the line (just like I did). Finally, I believe what he and everyone has been telling me, “Heart” isn’t treating me right. He never did, I shake all these thoughts out of my head, I have to get to dress rehearsal for my play.
Everybody’s monologue was amazing. I cried and laughed. Then I laughed and cried. And then, one of the last performers said something that made me re-think the way I have been feeling for the past few days…”I am not a victim. I am a survivor”.
Finally, I realized something. I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s Heart’s loss. He lost a very smart, caring, real, and beautiful woman. He will regret it one day.
So I’m going to choose not to be a victim. Even though, every man in my life has hurt me, and this one that I thought was the most genuine man to ever walk into my life completely used me, I’m going to choose not to be a victim.
I will update you all on how I’m doing 🙂 It hurts me that I will never be able to write a cute story about me and “Heart” ever again. I pray for strength to heal during this time and the courage to move on.