Nervous…and other weekly musings!

“Do you hate me?” I asked when I felt him behind me.

“No…do you hate me?” he whispers in my ear.

That was me and “Prince Player” at a meeting two years ago. And here we are now. I stare at him. He looked the same way he did freshman year, except he wasn’t 18 anymore. Prince. Player. It’s like I hardly know him anymore- where did our friendship go?

This week started out as it usually does. No surprise calls from “Heart”, roomies boyfriend sleeping over on the couch without permission, and the fight with one of my best friend’s still continuing. Nervous.

My new medication has made me very irritable. People have noticed. I try to tell myself “I have ADHD” and not the other way around, but…it tends to get the best of me and I forget. Nervous.

Yesterday before the meeting I saw “Prince Player” at, I walked by a table of girls staring down at me. I gave them one look. And then I recognized them, they are apart of the activist group “Heart” is involved with on campus. I started to panic. OH. MY. GOD. Do they know about us??? Nervous.

I rush on over to the meeting. Outside the meeting area, I saw Sam. Sam is very close with the activist group. I pulled him aside. As I explain the dilemma, “Prince Player” walks by. I quickly pause the story and yell “Hi!” and continue. Then he quickly says “Hi” without a smile and walks by past me. He goes over to my roommate…shit I thought. What did I do now? Nervous.

After the meeting, I rush to find Sam so he can clarify my dilemma. But I see “Prince Player” and we are walking towards each other. He’s not smiling, uh oh, this is going to be really awkward I think to myself. We say hi. And all of a sudden, he smiles! He mentions that I was nice to him for once. Uh…what?

“I just…I just…I mean earlier I said “Hi” and you walked past me” I said shocked and sort of happy he isn’t mad at me.

“Oh that’s because you were talking to someone” he said. Right. Sam. I will have to check on that later. Seeing player is a rare opportunity these days so I have to talk to him. I start babbling about how I always think he hates me. And then he starts babbling about how he always thinks I hate him. Great. I am glad we agree on something. And so…we are at the first line of this blog post. He’s talking but I hear minimal. I keep wondering about our journey in my brain. How did we end up here?

dont-make-me-laugh-im-trying-to-be-made-at-youOur conversation felt new. As if, he didn’t know me. He mentions that I always make him nervous and that’s why he never spent too much time with me. Oh my, if I made him nervous, can you imagine the way he makes me feel? Does he not know that my stomach turns upside down and my heart beats fast when I’m with him! Ah, nervous. I wonder if he knew that was my word of the week…

Anyways, he was leaving, but I needed to clear the air with him. So we walk home together. I couldn’t stop laughing. I missed that about our friendship. As he spoke about his feelings toward me, I was shocked. Everything he said about me, was exactly how I felt towards him. He asks about “Heart” and I tell him the truth- I love him, but it just won’t work out (Heart’s choice not mine). As I think about everything he has said, he talks about another girl. Why am I not surprised. It is then that snap back to reality and I remind myself of why I should never get involved with him again. He is a player, I am his second choice, and I should not trust him. Nervous.

But I came home and saw that “Heart” posted on Facebook about his play, and he didn’t invite me. If ” Prince Player” was in a play, he would invite me.

“OH MY GOD. JUST WEAR A SEXY OUTFIT AND SHOW UP! SURPRISE HIM” Mr. Photography dude the “Heart” supporter says as we were working out this morning. “What part of he didn’t invite me don’t you get?” I say about to drop my weights.

“You never invite him to your events right? The fashion show? The play?” he asks. He’s right. But that’s different. “Okay that’s different. I would feel very nervous if he was in the audience. I’d get distracted and mess up!” I say.

“Aha. That’s why he didn’t invite you. Let him do his show then. If he does well, he will come back to you and tell you about it” he says.

Right. I’m gonna try not to think about him for a few days. But I’m nervous.

xoxo. S.

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