The Play

IMG_0536-0Assault. The word makes me shiver every time I hear it. It’s something almost every woman in my family, including myself has faced.

When it happened to me, I told one person- my mother. And she cried. I wanted to die, how could I make my own mother cry? Many nights I had flashbacks and cried myself to sleep. Only after years of therapy, I learned what happened to me wasn’t my fault.

It’s still hard because my experience affects all my romantic relationships. And people make fun of these flaky relationships I have. Don’t they understand? That the first “relationship” I had wasn’t even a relationship and I was mistreated? No they obviously don’t.

Anyways, this past weekend sucked. I had planned to go to a concert with my friend, but she bailed on me last minute. I lost my $30 and an amazing performance šŸ˜¦ But what I got was a silver lining.

After I received her cancellation text and lost my hard earned money, I took the long way home. I saw a flyer to audition for a new play at my college, “A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant and A Prayer”. It was produced by the same woman who created “Vagina Monologues”- which I had auditioned for last year but didn’t make the cut. I stared at this flyer and thought…why not? Walk-in auditions were taking place as I was reading the flyer.

I went on over and signed myself up. The director called me in and her face beamed- she was the same director that rejected me last year. We talked and laughed for a while. She asked me why I have chosen the piece I have chosen to audition.

I swallowed. “Personal experience” I said holding back tears.

Her face fell, “If I cast you, will that spark a trigger?”

I decided to be honest. I nodded my head. She was very nice and said , “Interesting. That might actually be a good thing”. Phew.

So I performed the monologue. I told myself to be brave and to not start crying in the middle of my piece. When I was done, I got a reaction I wasn’t expecting.

“Wow. What piece did you audition with last year? The performance you just gave now and then is like the difference between night and day!”

I beamed and told her that I’m just really passionate about spreading awareness about the cause and this piece that I auditioned with today hits home.

She was silent for a while. And then she says, “Can I give you a hug? You were amazing!”

And oh my god of course I said yes. The hug she gave me was so genuine, I have not received a hug like that in a long time. We said our goodbyes and she told me she would let me know that evening if I got a callback.

So I sat around and…never got information about it. But then, just as I was losing hope, I got a call later yesterday.

“Hey is this Shahz?” she asked very excitingly.

I said yes. I didn’t know who was calling. But then she told me it was her and my heart started pounding. That’s when she said the words I wanted to hear, “I’m excited to tell you that you are in our cast this year!” I was going to faint out of joy. I told her I had been sad all day that I hadn’t been called for a callback.

And she said, “Oh yea…I already knew which part I was going to give you so that wasn’t necessary” šŸ™‚ Eep! What a compliment. I asked her which piece I will be performing, and…my heart stopped.

It’s the one about a little girl watching her parents fight. The one I auditioned with. The one that hits way too close to home.

So I told her.

I heard her take a deep breath, “I know hun. And I appreciate you sharing that with me. This is why I chose you for the part. If you ever feel uncomfortable, you just let me know and we will alter it to make you feel comfortable”.

I smiled. I thanked her for everything and she said that it’s an honor to work with me šŸ™‚

I’m so happy…but nervous. The only person I really ever opened up about this stuff to was “Heart”. I remember him saying that I don’t talk a lot about my parents, and so I told him. My face was red, I stuttered, and I kept swallowing back tears. He placed a hand on my shoulder and consoled me. He gets it. This is one of those things that I just want people to listen to and not give me advice on.

As time went on, I opened up to him about my own experience. The last time he was here I made a comment, “Yup. Every man that’s ever been a part of my life disappointed me”.

He held me, “Don’t say that Shahz…”

He’s right. I shouldn’t. I pray that my performance will set me free and give me the strength to move on. Looking forward to April! šŸ™‚

xoxo. S.

4 thoughts on “The Play

  1. This is beautiful. It’s amazing that she noticed your growth and commented on it, that has to feel incredible! A million congrats. I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful addition to the cast! šŸ™‚

  2. I know so little about you. And yet so much. You’re so brave to have overcome the issue and face it in the form of this play. So genuinely thrilled for you. šŸ’ God bless!

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