When it happened to me, I told one person- my mother. And she cried. I wanted to die, how could I make my own mother cry? Many nights I had flashbacks and cried myself to sleep. Only after years of therapy, I learned what happened to me wasn’t my fault.
It’s still hard because my experience affects all my romantic relationships. And people make fun of these flaky relationships I have. Don’t they understand? That the first “relationship” I had wasn’t even a relationship and I was mistreated? No they obviously don’t.
Anyways, this past weekend sucked. I had planned to go to a concert with my friend, but she bailed on me last minute. I lost my $30 and an amazing performance 😦 But what I got was a silver lining.
After I received her cancellation text and lost my hard earned money, I took the long way home. I saw a flyer to audition for a new play at my college, “A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant and A Prayer”. It was produced by the same woman who created “Vagina Monologues”- which I had auditioned for last year but didn’t make the cut. I stared at this flyer and thought…why not? Walk-in auditions were taking place as I was reading the flyer.
I went on over and signed myself up. The director called me in and her face beamed- she was the same director that rejected me last year. We talked and laughed for a while. She asked me why I have chosen the piece I have chosen to audition.
I swallowed. “Personal experience” I said holding back tears.
Her face fell, “If I cast you, will that spark a trigger?”
I decided to be honest. I nodded my head. She was very nice and said , “Interesting. That might actually be a good thing”. Phew.
So I performed the monologue. I told myself to be brave and to not start crying in the middle of my piece. When I was done, I got a reaction I wasn’t expecting.
“Wow. What piece did you audition with last year? The performance you just gave now and then is like the difference between night and day!”
I beamed and told her that I’m just really passionate about spreading awareness about the cause and this piece that I auditioned with today hits home.
She was silent for a while. And then she says, “Can I give you a hug? You were amazing!”
And oh my god of course I said yes. The hug she gave me was so genuine, I have not received a hug like that in a long time. We said our goodbyes and she told me she would let me know that evening if I got a callback.
So I sat around and…never got information about it. But then, just as I was losing hope, I got a call later yesterday.
“Hey is this Shahz?” she asked very excitingly.
I said yes. I didn’t know who was calling. But then she told me it was her and my heart started pounding. That’s when she said the words I wanted to hear, “I’m excited to tell you that you are in our cast this year!” I was going to faint out of joy. I told her I had been sad all day that I hadn’t been called for a callback.
And she said, “Oh yea…I already knew which part I was going to give you so that wasn’t necessary” 🙂 Eep! What a compliment. I asked her which piece I will be performing, and…my heart stopped.
It’s the one about a little girl watching her parents fight. The one I auditioned with. The one that hits way too close to home.
So I told her.
I heard her take a deep breath, “I know hun. And I appreciate you sharing that with me. This is why I chose you for the part. If you ever feel uncomfortable, you just let me know and we will alter it to make you feel comfortable”.
I smiled. I thanked her for everything and she said that it’s an honor to work with me 🙂
I’m so happy…but nervous. The only person I really ever opened up about this stuff to was “Heart”. I remember him saying that I don’t talk a lot about my parents, and so I told him. My face was red, I stuttered, and I kept swallowing back tears. He placed a hand on my shoulder and consoled me. He gets it. This is one of those things that I just want people to listen to and not give me advice on.
As time went on, I opened up to him about my own experience. The last time he was here I made a comment, “Yup. Every man that’s ever been a part of my life disappointed me”.
He held me, “Don’t say that Shahz…”
He’s right. I shouldn’t. I pray that my performance will set me free and give me the strength to move on. Looking forward to April! 🙂