The Interview: On My Uphill Battle With ADHD

FullSizeRenderIt’s been two weeks since I stopped my ADHD treatment. I feel physically healthier, but I can’t stop thinking about “Heart” and I can’t complete assignments the way I used to.

I am sitting in a diner with Mr. Photography dude and his sidekick. This is the last interview. I sip my hot chocolate and wait for him to ask the question I know he will ask.

“Can you speak more about your ADHD?”

I think about the conversation I had with my dad last night. He asked me why I sounded “down”. I told him I have a 5 page paper due on Monday and I have only written one word so far because I stopped my medication. He asked me how in the world do I think my ADHD is going to get better if I keep stopping every treatment I get put on…

Here goes nothing. “It’s an uphill battle. Sometimes I’m okay, sometimes I’m not. My freshman year I was put on medication and it destroyed me. Last year, I was medication free and I was perfectly fine. I just got back on it this year because…I don’t know. I hate how I can’t sit still or and how a 1,000 thoughts are rushing through me. And of course, I stopped this new treatment as well because it is hurting me physically. I hate this. I have to constantly ask myself- what’s more important. My grades or my mental/physical health?”

“Do you think ADHD affects your romantic relationships?”

I stay quiet for a while. It’s been a while since I have had one. I mean how I must supposed to tell him that hell yea, ADHD makes me extra jealous, moody, anxious, paranoid, lonely-

“Let me ask you this, do Prince Player and Heart know?”

I nod.

“What do they think?”

“Prince Player found out first because I told him shortly before I met Heart. But it took me almost a year to trust him enough to tell him. And he is supportive. But for some reason, I just don’t feel like he gets my symptoms. Because if he did- he’d be there for me.”

He nods. “And Heart?”

I smile. And there are tears in my eyes.

“Oh god that look. He must be really supportive huh?”

I nod. “I told him in the first month of knowing him. Usually when I tell people, they say *oh* and just move on. But he was very caring and he said, *talk to me about it*. I told him about my sad history of the symptoms that occurred after being put on treatment, and he asked me how I’m dealing now. I told him that I have a therapist and he said *….you also have me*. No one’s ever been so kind when I told them before. ”

Mr. Photography dude smiles. “What has he done to support you, that Prince Player hasn’t?”

I laugh, “A lot of things” I giggle. Mr. Photography dude rolls his eyes.

“No. Seriously. When Heart wanted to take a break from us, he said ‘You are allowed to be with other guys. I know how lonely you get and how that makes you feel’, Prince Player always said I could be with other guys….but that was so he could screw other girls 😦 It’s like he didn’t get how awful that made me feel. But Heart saying that made me realize that he actually understand this mental disorder I live with and he cares”.

“Wow. No wonder you love this bastard.”

I laugh. He continues with his questions, “What if the people you know read your blog and find out you have ADHD? What if they tell other people you know? Will you be embarrassed?”

I shake my head. “No. Everyone has their battle, and this is mine. If they can’t accept the crazy reality that I have to live with, they don’t have to read it.”

Mr. Photography dude laughs and shakes his head, “How did you get to be so damn strong?”

I smile and rest my chin in my hands, “After a while…it’s the only option you have.”

xoxo. S.

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