I do. But today, “Heart” made it absolutely clear he does not. At least not with me.
After six weeks of not seeing him, he finally texted last night. He asked me how finals were going and when I’d be leaving for home. I told him next week and we agreed that today might be the best day because I have my biggest final next week. He said he wants to talk, I asked him it was serious. He said no. I asked him if it was going to make me sad (you never know what he means by talk) and he said “No, I promise”.
I barely slept last night. I wondered if he actually wanted to talk. Usually when he says that, we don’t really end up talking. But seeing as I haven’t seen him in 6 weeks, I had a feeling it was serious. Most people have been telling me he has been playing me, I knew deep down in my heart that’s absolutely false. He and I have so much love for each other. And as I later found out, that’s exactly what he wanted to talk about.
It was a very cold day out in Chicago. I doubted whether or not he would come see me, but he did. I put on a cute dress and did my make-up. He kissed me as soon as he walked in. So far so good I thought. As I held him in my embrace, he said he had to do homework. Uh what. I thought he was joking, so I laughed. But he said he seriously needed to submit something. So I said go for it. And then he changed his mind. All of a sudden, he was holding me in his embrace again. After being intimate for 10 minutes, he stopped.
“What does this mean to you?” he asked. Here we go again. I told him. And he said, “Look I’ve been talking to a lot of people. I’m becoming more religious, focused on work, focused on academics- and everyone tells me this is wrong. It is wrong to be intimate with a woman I have no future with”. Of course, he refuses to accept me to have a future with him.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have came over. See, this is why I wanted to do homework first, so I could have time to think about what to do. I didn’t mean to get intimate and break-up with you” he said.
I shook my head. Something tells me he would have done the same thing even if he had “time”.
He went to take the picture of us off my bulletin board. “Don’t” I said stone cold.
“I’m sorry. I just think it will help you forget about me better”.
“Don’t tell me how I can forget you. You have already done enough” I said trying not to cry.
And so he came to me. And said something that would alleviate anyone’s accusations of him being with another girl, “For the longest time, I had your photo as my phone wallpaper. Not this one, but of you on the night we met. But I had to remove it because when I was here last time, 6 weeks ago, I almost told you that I love you”. It all made sense now. And might I just add, there’s something “Prince Player” would not have done.
“So that’s why you haven’t been here in 6 weeks. Because you loved me and were trying not to love me” I said.
He held my hands and nodded, “You deserve to do all these things with someone you can have a future with. And so do I.”
I swallowed back tears and he started packing up. I thanked him for telling me all of this in person and he thanked me for letting him come over. Before I forgot, I found the bracelet he left behind last time he was here and I gave it to him, “You might not want to forget this”. He wore it and grabbed my wrists. And he placed his lips to my ear, “Use your time in Denver to forget me. Good luck on finals and have a safe trip back home”. I could barely speak, “Okay” I whispered.
And then he was gone. No kiss, no extra hug. I watched him walk away. I cried for a solid 5 minutes and went to bed. I had a nightmare that I was caught in a fire and paralyzed. I looked up the meaning, apparently it means that I have strong passion to someone and I am participating in risky activities- hence “playing with fire”. Well I guess my horrible dreams speaks for itself.
I wanted to keep fighting for us, but I know this is a losing battle for us. We can’t explain our culture and religions to others if we tried. But the thing is, I was willing to have a future with him. He on the other hand, does not believe in life after love. He used love as an excuse to end the life in our relationship.
“No matter how hard I try, you keep pushing me aside. And I can’t break through, there’s no talking to you. So sad that you’re leaving, takes time to believe it. But after all is said and done, you’re going to be the lonely one. Do you believe in life after love? I can feel something inside me say, I really don’t think you’re strong enough”.