I’m okay. Pull my bra straps up. Put my make-up on. Tell myself I’m okay again. That’s the daily routine.
Yesterday was a hard day. I had to laugh and pretend to be happy- but I wasn’t.
It’s been a crazy week preparing for my research exposition and finals.The new treatment has been helping me with my grades, but I’m starting to feel weak. Roommate #1 has a boyfriend now and he is constantly here. And of course, Roommate #2 already has a boyfriend and he is constantly here as well. They wanted me to hang out with them, but I wasn’t interested in being the fifth wheel. Thank goodness I already had plans. I had a feeling you wouldn’t be coming over, so I went out to a Greek restaurant with a few of our friends. I found it interesting how the restaurant played a lot of Arabic songs and had belly dancers. I thought of you the entire time. Ironic that yesterday was the one year of me catching your eye while I was belly dancing at the party. I love going out and having a good time, but I only like to dance for you and you know it! At one point, I had to go to the restroom and take a deep breath- the music and dancing was way to familiar. This isn’t easy, and ADHD makes it way harder.
Then I had to go to a meeting. I saw “Prince Player” and didn’t talk to him. At least I tried not to. My body was getting heated. After what he said in our little snapchat I was pissed. But he said hi, so I said hi back. That was it. Are you happy?
But it isn’t him that makes me feel so pathetic. And it isn’t you. Well it is but not really. IT’S EVERYONE. Because, a few people had the nerve to ask me about us. They informed me that everyone is saying we had a big fight and are over. What nonsense. If only they knew the truth. And then they wanted to know what was really going on- I told them it was none of their freakin’ business. This new treatment is making me insane and I am easily irritated. No one understands how I feel, they hear but they don’t listen. Except you and Sam.
You know Sam. Stop stealing all my best friends! I heard you guys go out once a week. He thinks your cool. I went out with Sam after the meeting. He told me I should forget you, and “find a new fish”. I like how he is a friend to you, but is a friend to me and protects me at the same time. But I can’t forget you. I am a mess. Last year, it was you that came into my life and reminded me of how perfect I am. And remembering how you hate me being sad, I keep telling myself everyday that I am okay. I am. I am. I am. I am.
But… please stay with me, because you’re all I need 😦
xoxo. Unsure if I am still your eyes and soul.