Third Week Back At School

fe644c2dc3335f29e18653fd0baed9aaSo Monday I woke up and put on my best dress to teach my students, as I do every Monday. I went to my own class in the morning and came home to freshen up before work.

I arranged a guest speaker to come in. Someone who inspired me and taught me a good lesson one time. I knew he would inspire my students, like he inspired me.

He actually said the “s” word at one point. His speech was all over the place. He started out saying “So…I didn’t really prepare anything special.”

OH MY GOD. None of my students got what he was saying. And so, after he left, I carried on with my lesson plan and all of a sudden all my students started laughing at me. And I asked “why is this funny?” And this student completely called me out on it saying I chose the wrong word or some crap. I am humiliated, I work so hard as their TA.

I cried so much after I got home. It might have something to do with the fact I started my ADHD treatment again. After it helped me for 6 hours, it made me sad put me straight to sleep.

I texted “Prince Player” to tell him about my crazy ADHD treatment symptoms, I think I’ll see him sometime this week. But that makes me nervous too. I don’t think he’s changed….something in my heart tells me he’s still the same. I wish I could explain my problems to “Heart”, but as much as he’ll comfort me- he’ll continue to question my love for him.

Wednesday I went to see the girls I mentor. Somehow, they always make me happy whether I’m on meds or not. “Oh heyy” they all said when they saw me. “GOT ANY STORIES?” By stories they mean “Heart” and “Prince Player”. I looked at the floor… my need for love has been low since the ADHD treatment began again.

The 10 year old that knows me the best perked all the other girls up, “Shaz has two boyfriends”. I raised my eyebrows, “I do not” I said. And then I realized, to these girls, anyone you have kissed in the past year is considered a boyfriend. And so I shrugged my shoulders.

I rested my head on the table and sighed feeling defeated. I don’t want my girls or my men to see me like this. “I know what your problem is” my 10 year old frHe Asked Me Who I Likeiend said after the other girls left. “And what would that be?” I asked.

“Simple. You love one, and like the other one.”

I’ll be damned. How did she figure that out? Even I could not explain my feelings for those two men in my life.

Today and tomorrow night, I guess I’ll go out after I finish my homework. I honestly prefer to be alone. But my friends might be just what I need.

xoxo. S.

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