I can’t believe it reader, both “Prince Player” and “Heart” came over to say goodbye (well technically it’s see you later since we’ll all see each other in the Fall, but that’s too wordy so let’s stick with goodbye). “Heart” came over yesterday, and “Prince Player” came over the day before. Really, I was expecting both of them to ditch me.
Let’s start with “Prince Player” since he came to say goodbye first.
I had a long day because I had pulled two all nighters in a row and I had cramps (yes they are still going). And I had so much packing to do. But I was excited to see “Prince Player”.
And…it went better than I expected. I finally told him everything I was feeling and he apologized many times again. He also told me all the answers to the questions I have been wondering about. And the answers I never wanted to find out 😦 It was so sad, I couldn’t speak. I held back tears as he told me to talk and tell him what I was feeling. It hurt me that he couldn’t understand me without me even saying anything, like the way “Heart” does.
When I said that, he said “Yea because you had a different relationship with him…and you know that”. And that’s when it sank in, all the memories of me and “Heart”. The way he used to look at me, the way he used to hold me, everything.
I shook the memories out of my head and decided to enjoy my time with “Prince Player”. We caught up on everything that happened in each other’s lives this past year. I was so amazed at how much he and I both have matured. I couldn’t believe that he is actually turning into a man, why didn’t he do that sooner?
And so I looked into his eyes for a while. “What is it?” he asked. “Nothing…” I said. “It’s just. You’re one of my last goodbyes and…” I was trying to say ‘I’m not ready to let you go yet’ but instead I continued “…and it’s hard”. Then he said “Don’t tell me what’s-his-face is your last goodbye…” I didn’t want to. But at the same time, I didn’t even know as “Heart” had work and finals. I knew he was busy. I shrugged my shoulders,”He might be. I don’t really know…” But hell, even I didn’t want “Heart” to be my last goodbye- I liked my goodbye with “Prince Player” better.
Even though we talked a lot about “her”, he gave me the comfort I needed. And all the stuff that didn’t feel right before, finally feels right now. Soon we said goodbye, it was beautiful like the way it used to be. We held each other in a long hug.
And then, I got a call from “Heart” yesterday morning.
Half of me didn’t want to see him, but half of me did. I already had a nice goodbye with “Prince Player”, why do I need one with “Heart”? I asked myself. Oh yea, because “Heart” gave me the love I deserved and was there for me at my worst I told myself. And so, I let him visit. Being with him didn’t feel as uncomfortable as it did last time, but that spark we once had is still missing. Ever since he drunkenly texted “there is no future for us, have a nice life”, I have been feeling a disconnect from him. I stared at him for a long time, “Talk Shahz.” he said. Well then…there’s something he and Prince Player have in common, they both want me to open up more. But here’s the difference between them both- as I have mentioned, “Heart” understands me even when I don’t say a word.
He pulled me into his chest,”I know you’re going through a lot. And you don’t want to say goodbye. F*** ADHD, F*** boys, f*** everything that you’ve been through this year. You’re smart and you’re strong.”
And people wonder why I like this guy so much.
“I like you. I really like you. I’m going to miss you so much. Hopefully you have a boyfriend when we come back in the Fall. Someone better than me. I’m a mess” he said.
“But you’re my kinda mess” I told him.
He laughed, “You’re beautiful. You’ll find one easily.”
He’ll never understand that he’s the only one I want.
And so we also said goodbye, and held each other in a long hug. It was also a beautiful hug like the one “Prince Player” and I shared.
I cried after he left. Both of us are a mess. When we first admitted we liked each other, we had immediately told each other that this relationship can’t get to far because of our family backgrounds. And I still remember his text right after he told me,”life= not fair”. But still, we fell deep in love with each other.
Saying goodbye to “Heart” and “Prince Player” were the hardest. “Heart” has taught me so much about life, he has helped me love myself and reminded me of who I am. “Prince Player” has taught me a lot about being strong. If it wasn’t for my grief over “Prince Player”, I would have never met “Heart”. I gave “Heart” a chance because “Prince Player” didn’t want me. And the short time I had with “Heart” were probably the best few months of my life.
I wonder what Fall will bring the three of us.