That’s what my dad told me when he kissed me goodbye at 4 in the morning when I had to catch my flight.
These past 7 days that I took time off from blogging, I was home in the mountains for spring break. In the midst of sking and hiking, my family’s debate on whether or not I should return to school in Chicago continued.
My dad told me to take a leave of absence and stay in Colorado until I feel better. I raised an eyebrow, and told him what I have written in here before, “The world is not going to stop for me. I am not pausing my life.”
After my dad told me his goodbye this morning, he held on to me very tight and wouldn’t let me go. I tried not to cry on the plane ride (I was sitting in between two very handsome businessmen).
As if that wasn’t enough, my moving song- “Wake Me Up” started playing the second I got in my taxi. And then I totally lost it. Every word meant a lot to me.
I went to my first class today, it’s my multiculturalism class about Arabs in the U.S. And holy shit my professor reminds me of “Heart”. When “Heart” grows up he’s going to look like my professor. They both speak the same way, they are both hilarious, they both move the same way, and they are both very handsome with amazing intellectual thoughts. I think I need to drop this class.
Anyways, after class I went to get some food and who do I see!!! “Heart”. I walked by him 3 different times…we didn’t say in anything. I was going to say something the second time I saw him, but right when I opened up my mouth, this other girl went up to him and they both said “Hey” to each other. It’s the same girl I saw him with last time. To be honest, I’m not worried about that at all.
I’m worried about the fact that we can’t be civil and say “Hi” to each other. I really wanted to speak to him and clear the air.
I never had this problem with “Prince Player”, “C”, or “Sugar”. If any of them ever saw me, they’d say “hey”. Even if they were with someone else, I wouldn’t mind interrupting them and saying “hey”.
Why is loving/trying not to love “Heart” so difficult? I don’t get it.
In other news, I changed the concentration of my major. My learning disability tests are in. I won’t go into details but it did confirm I have ADHD and another disability that affects my cognitive thinking. I’m really sad that I won’t be in the medical track anymore. I very well could have stayed, but I already did poorly in 5 of my major science courses and it will be very hard to graduate under that track. I’m the policy and administration track now, there’s a lot more math involved. But, it’s a little easier than things like Chemistry. It breaks my heart that I had to let go of a dream I’ve been so passionate about. It feels weird to not have a lot of classes and staying busy. But I know that I will get a bit more time to relax and take care of my health now. I also know that it is never too late to become what you want to be so I will still continue to pursue this dream after college.
My parents and therapist have offered me some comfort and said I can take these Medical concentration classes later when I have a better grasp of my learning disability and all the changes going on.
Sigh. I just want to be like everyone else 😦
So many changes this quarter. I pray that what my dad said will remain true, “Everything Will Be Alright”.