If I’m dreaming, don’t wake me up

I woke up this past Tuesday with aches and discomfort. I had received my Chem exam score the day before, and it was not good. I hate that I never sleep, study so hard, and I still fail. I was so sad, I literally slept all day. If you read Stuff My Past Lovers Said (“Heart”) on Tuesday, you know I was in all this additional pain because it was the 1 month of mine and “Heart’s” breakup. It was unbearable, I decided I would text him.

“It’s been exactly one month since our break-up, and not a single day has gotten any easier”.

I expected him to ignore it, but what I got was a response immediately.

“Do you want to get together and talk?”

I said yes immediately. 10 minutes later, he and his beautiful hazel eyes were standing right in front of me. I fell into his grasp and cried in his arms. “I missed you so much, I can’t even breathe” I moaned. He held me against his chest and cried as well, “I’ve been so depressed this past month.”

I honestly felt like we were reenacting the music video of “No Air”. When we got together, it felt exactly like the scene at 3:29.

We talked a lot. I cried a lot. I told him about what’s been going on lately- the lump, my parents, and the ADHD. He ran his fingers on my arm and through my hair as I cried. In between the tears, he did make me laugh. God I missed him.

Worst FeelingAt one point it got very serious though. “Have you seen someone else this month? Be honest” he said. How could he even think that? “No….” I whispered in shock. And then in panic I asked, “Have you?” He responded, “No….unfortunately”. It’s like someone slapped me.

“What do you mean unfortunately?” I asked in disbelief. “Well…if I just use some other girl, it will help me get my mind off of you and get over you” he said. I swallowed, “Are you serious? Why not just use me? The woman you actually love!” He looked me in the eye, “Because I don’t want to hurt you like that”. I seriously did not understand his logic at all.

It was then he looked me in the eye and said it. “Look Shahz, this is just a dream. You know we can’t do this.”

I got off his lap and turned my face.

“If this is a dream, don’t wake me up.”

xoxo. Shaz.


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