*Written a few weeks ago, continued from Almost is Never Enough
I close my eyes and think about how player and I got here.
I think about my freshman year of college, I was always- waiting. I put so much pressure on myself to do well in school, and I just couldn’t do to the very difficult major I was pursuing. Being with player and other friends was my only source of happiness during that time.
But, player wasn’t always around. He would say he would visit, and I would wait and wait and finally text him to check on our plans, only to have him cancel.
This is what happened in Boston too.
I stare at the ceiling as I wait for him. My eyes wet from tears. I ask God to give me a sign that there is still something left of me and player.
But instead, I got a sign that there definitely wasn’t. I cry and cry and cry. I waited two years for this moment.
Yes, player was sick. But. It would have been nice to grab a coffee with him before he left.
When his weekend here concludes, I wonder if he made it back to Chicago okay.
I don’t even get that information.
I close my eyes and think of our happy moments amongst the bad.
There was that time I thought I failed Microbiology and I thought I would have to re-take it for the third time. He held me and said “it’s okay”. And only a few weeks later, I found out I got into graduate school and he said “see babe, I told you everything will be okay!”
There were those times he walked me home. I felt so safe.
There were those times he would randomly text “Hi” and I would wonder what was up and he would say, “I miss you <3”
I sigh. I look at the wine he gave me as a gift. I pour myself a glass. And then another one.
I lay back in bed and close my eyes.
What the hell was I doing?
I am Shaz.
I am strong.
I am smart.
I am beautiful.
I am a month away from graduating from a top 10 graduate school. I won’t let my broken heart get to me like it did 5 years ago.