Have you ever been in uncertainty? How did you cope?
I have been in uncertainty for about a month now. April and May was supposed to be fun. Two months of festivities due to graduation and my hard work.
Unfortunately, it has been nothing but uncertainty.
The day I saw “Prince Player” last, I went to the gym to release my anxiety. I go faster and faster and faster on the treadmill as my mind becomes flooded with confusion.
I was his “lovebug”.
For six years, we witnessed each other’s ups and downs.
We always believed in each other.
I see a hand on the tredmill.
It’s my friend Gigi.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP! YOU ARE GOING WAY TOO FAST!” she says.
I stop and gasp for air.
“I need to go home” I tell her. I go home and stare at the ceiling. I wonder how player and I ended up here (as mentioned in the last post).
The next day, when I seek player’s attention and realize isn’t coming back, I go out. And the very unexpected happens. I re-connect with a graduate student (let’s call him *Scientist* because that is what he does for a living) I met a while ago.
I’m angry, sad, and hurt over “Prince Player”. But Scientist and I hit it off. We schedule a date for the week and I am nervous.
Much to my surprise, I actually enjoy my time with him. For a mechanical engineering PHD student, he certainly has a lot of charm. I ask him when his birthday is. He mentions a date in October.
“Oh you’re a Libra! Phew” I say.
“Nope. Scorpio” he says.
My eyes widen. “OH MY GOD. NO!” I say.
We both laugh.
“I can’t” I say on account of Prince Player being a Scorpio.
“Hey, I’m one of the good kind!” Scientist says.
I smirk. “I hope so.”
He walks me home. He has heard all about the Prince Player story.
“After that happened. I bought a 6 pack of Insomnia cookies” I said embarrassed.
“Oh my god. I bought one of those this past weekend too!” he says. And I laugh no longer feeling embarrassed.
We talk some more. I talk about how nervous I am, dating again. “Hey, I am on a mission to prove to you I am a good Scorpio” he says. I laugh “Okayyyy”.
When we reach my place, he kisses my cheek. “This was so much fun! We definitely have to do this again”. I smile.
I lay on my bed once I reach my apartment. It’s strange because, I felt sad. Scientist could never replace Prince Player.
And it was even more strange because, although I didn’t feel any romantic feelings for Scientist- I had this strange happy feeling inside of me. One that I haven’t felt in a long time.
The next morning I woke up for my early morning class, I was happy and full of energy. I wasn’t tired and irritable as I usually was.
I should have noticed the signs that I actually liked Scientist. But I just thought I was happy from having a nice night out instead of being in my room moping.
Which is why when he asks me out again a few days later, I didn’t say no.
And then he kissed me.
And that’s when I had to let it go.
“I’m too overwhelmed right now, I need space” I say.
“I feel that” he says.
When he leaves I feel terrible.
The next morning I wake up. And feel even more terrible. Because Scientist has shown nothing but love to me and I pushed him away because he was nothing like Prince Player.
I tell Scientist we should talk. He agrees and we set up another date.
This date goes very well in terms of I have gotten over the “Prince Player” situation and can fully focus on the Scientist. Finally Scientist and I are on the same page, both of us like each other and admit we enjoy our time together.
And then he says he has to tell me something. I laugh, unafraid, because I have so much experience with Prince Player telling me things I didn’t want to hear. Surely whatever Scientist had to say wouldn’t be that bad.
“I have dated two girls from your Masters program.”
My jaw drops.
And then he says their names. Fuck. I know both of them.
I. can’t. do. this. I mumble about how uncomfortable this makes me.
“Look. I get that you see them all the time, and it could be awkward, but you are graduating in a month” Scientist says trying to comfort me.
Yea… true. But what he doesn’t know is this is like the Prince Player situation from 5 years ago. Except Prince Player didn’t tell me. And Scientist dated these girls in the past, not when he was seeing me.
“Do you need space?” Scientist asks.
“No. no. no. Just- no” I say on account of I asked for space last time and I regretted it.
“No more dating girls from my program, ok?” I say.
He smiles. “Noted” he says.
We talk it out some more and he leaves. I shake my head. Why does things like this always happen to me? I see both of the girls at an event the next day. I smile politely and speak like a lady like I don’t know their history.
But I eventually get over it. Scientist seems to be a nice guy, and the past is the past. Right?
Except. I don’t know what he’s thinking. Because. He hasn’t asked me out since then.
And I still haven’t heard from “Prince Player”.
In job hunting…
I reached the third round of interview for my favorite company. I was so sure they wanted to hire me and I would have an offer by now, all set by graduation. But I haven’t heard a thing- and instead of staying in Boston, I am returning home to Texas.
Two years ago I was complaining I had too many offers and couldn’t decide. I would kill to be in that position right now. Having too many offers is better than having zero.
Tonight I close my eyes again and just wonder how I got here. A bright girl with big hopes and dreams, but now broken and unsure what to do. My gut says if I be patient, the answers will come to me in time for graduation. But that’s just my gut.