(continued from The Long Walk Home- In midterms, love, and politics…)
I quickly swallow the gulp in my throat and smile my best *I’m not dying* inside smile. I start presenting and I am doing well. And then, I think about what just happened with “Prince Player” and pause. And about how I just want to sleep. My heart is beating fast. I sigh and look at my board. They are sitting like stones. I look at Mr. Photography dude, “you got this” he mouths. That was all I needed. I smile and take a deep breath. I completely switch gears and talk about how getting funding for my club is important, it is where I met my best friends (including ‘Heart’) and the first place where I actually felt like I belonged. The board was impressed :)
After their decision, Mr. Photography dude and I go to finish our homework.
“Let me guess. You bumped into player, you tried to get him back, and…it didn’t go in your favor?” he asks as he analyzes me staring at the wall.
I finally turn my face. “How. the. fuck. did. you. know?”
He shrugs, “I’m your best friend. Besides, you just had a fight with him. You usually bump into him after a fight. And you haven’t really said much about ‘Heart’ lately. Sooo I just put all the pieces together!”
I shake my head. “What made you think you could hang out with player today? You would have missed the funding hearing! What if he agreed to see you???” he asks.
I look at him. “I knew he would say no. And if he agreed, you would present!”
He starts talking about how I’m a better presenter, but then, my mom calls. Even she wants to know what’s wrong, I tell her nothing. “You sound upset, are you sure nothing just happened?” My eyes sting, I tell her I’m fine. But then, she hands it on over to my dad who asks me if I’m excited to see him this week (I’m seeing him for his birthday <3). And then I lose it, the tears roll down my face and I try to mask it as much as possible by trying to sound happy. My dad doesn’t buy my act either and he tries to get it out of me, but I stay silent :( When I hang up, I turn my face because I am crying and I just….can’t…stop.
But it’s too late, Mr. Photography dude already saw. “Oh no….no…don’t do this! I don’t like when my hottest model is upset!”
“I’m an idiot” I say suffocated by my own snot.
“I assure you, an idiot would not have been able to get us $1,000 in funding to run our club” he says smiling at me.
“An idiot cries over people who would never shed a single tear for her” I say burying my head on the table.
“Loving is a strength not a weakness. Here, Samira tell Shahz she’s not an idiot!” he says to his girlfriend skyping us from Egypt.
I grab his laptop. “Habibti” (my darling) she says looking at me.
“Hayati” (my life) I say wiping away a tear.
“You are one of the smartest women I know! An idiot would not be able to teach a class of 30 rowdy college freshmen. An idiot would not be able to be the Vice President of a large club. An idiot would not watch over my man when I am living oversees, she would steal him! You are the most loyal, loving, and smartest woman I know!” she says. I smile and Mr. Photography dude nods at everything she says.
We hang up and I stare at him. “He asked me if I was still with ‘Heart'” I say.
“Yea and what’d you say?” he asks. “I said no” I say shrugging.
“That’s a lie!” he says laughing. I glare at him, “We’re not! We haven’t talked in a month except for club related business! Anyways, then he asked if there’s a chance we will be together….” I say.
“Oh I’m excited to hear what you said to that” he says smiling.
“I said no again” I say.
“Damnit! Why Shahz? You know he’ll come back to you! The only reason why you guys haven’t talked lately is because he’s busy with his internship, his club, his mom, school, and other shit. You guys will talk soon” he says.
I stare at him. Will we? Walking with player felt like nothing compared to my walk with “Heart” on Michigan Avenue in the busy streets of Chicago a few weeks ago. I think of the way my hair was flowing freely and holding his arm. It was nice. I think about the time he said when he kisses me, he will start at my crown. Because my name means Princess in our language <3 It was cute, I miss his love everyday.
But he doesn’t pay attention to me like he used to. But neither does player. My heart aches, how many summer nights and summer mornings we spent talking, all to act like it never happened.
Sigh. What a day. I’m going to have one scoop of Ben and Jerry’s and go to bed :(
Until I feel better,