The Long Walk Home (continued)

(continued from The Long Walk Home- In midterms, love, and politics…)

I quickly swallow the gulp in my throat and smile my best *I’m not dying* inside smile. I start presenting and I am doing well. And then, I think about what just happened with “Prince Player” and pause. And about how I just want to sleep. My heart is beating fast. I sigh and look at my board. They are sitting like stones. I look at Mr. Photography dude, “you got this” he mouths. That was all I needed. I smile and take a deep breath. I completely switch gears and talk about how getting funding for my club is important, it is where I met my best friends (including ‘Heart’) and the first place where I actually felt like I belonged. The board was impressed :)

After their decision, Mr. Photography dude and I go to finish our homework.

“Let me guess. You bumped into player, you tried to get him back, and…it didn’t go in your favor?” he asks as he analyzes me staring at the wall.

I finally turn my face. “How. the. fuck. did. you. know?”

He shrugs, “I’m your best friend. Besides, you just had a fight with him. You usually bump into him after a fight. And you haven’t really said much about ‘Heart’ lately. Sooo I just put all the pieces together!”

I shake my head. “What made you think you could hang out with player today? You would have missed the funding hearing! What if he agreed to see you???” he asks.

I look at him. “I knew he would say no. And if he agreed, you would present!”

He starts talking about how I’m a better presenter, but then, my mom calls. Even she wants to know what’s wrong, I tell her nothing. “You sound upset, are you sure nothing just happened?” My eyes sting, I tell her I’m fine. But then, she hands it on over to my dad who asks me if I’m excited to see him this week (I’m seeing him for his birthday <3). And then I lose it, the tears roll down my face and I try to mask it as much as possible by trying to sound happy. My dad doesn’t buy my act either and he tries to get it out of me, but I stay silent :( When I hang up, I turn my face because I am crying and I just….can’t…stop.

But it’s too late, Mr. Photography dude already saw. “Oh no….no…don’t do this! I don’t like when my hottest model is upset!”

“I’m an idiot” I say suffocated by my own snot.

“I assure you, an idiot would not have been able to get us $1,000 in funding to run our club” he says smiling at me.

“An idiot cries over people who would never shed a single tear for her” I say burying my head on the table.

“Loving is a strength not a weakness. Here, Samira tell Shahz she’s not an idiot!” he says to his girlfriend skyping us from Egypt.

I grab his laptop. “Habibti” (my darling) she says looking at me.

“Hayati” (my life) I say wiping away a tear.

“You are one of the smartest women I know! An idiot would not be able to teach a class of 30 rowdy college freshmen. An idiot would not be able to be the Vice President of a large club. An idiot would not watch over my man when I am living oversees, she would steal him! You are the most loyal, loving, and smartest woman I know!” she says. I smile and Mr. Photography dude nods at everything she says.

We hang up and I stare at him.  “He asked me if I was still with ‘Heart'” I say.

“Yea and what’d you say?” he asks. “I said no” I say shrugging.

“That’s a lie!” he says laughing. I glare at him, “We’re not! We haven’t talked in a month except for club related business! Anyways, then he asked if there’s a chance we will be together….” I say.

“Oh I’m excited to hear what you said to that” he says smiling.

“I said no again” I say.

“Damnit! Why Shahz? You know he’ll come back to you! The only reason why you guys haven’t talked lately is because he’s busy with his internship, his club, his mom, school, and other shit. You guys will talk soon” he says.

22041-pick-your-head-up-princess-your-tiara-is-fallingI stare at him. Will we? Walking with player felt like nothing compared to my walk with “Heart” on Michigan Avenue in the busy streets of Chicago a few weeks ago. I think of the way my hair was flowing freely and holding his arm. It was nice. I think about the time he said when he kisses me, he will start at my crown. Because my name means Princess in our language <3 It was cute, I miss his love everyday.

But he doesn’t pay attention to me like he used to. But neither does player. My heart aches, how many summer nights and summer mornings we spent talking, all to act like it never happened.

Sigh. What a day. I’m going to have one scoop of Ben and Jerry’s and go to bed :(

Until I feel better,

xoxo. S.

The Long Walk Home- In midterms, love, and politics…

“Congratulations, you have been approved for 75% in funding!”

Better than no funding at all. I look at Mr. Photography dude and smile. I hug the rest of my board members, it feels like we won a court case or something. And really, it’s the only good thing that happened all day :(

Today, I taught my class that I TA from 8-1. I was up at 7 after working on homework until 3am last night. And, my students were oh so rowdy today :0 They cussed, they asked inappropriate question, oy ve. After it was finally over,  I somehow managed to finish my midterm paper in between that and my next class. And when I went to print out my paper for the class, boy was I in for a surprise.

After I printed my paper, I turn around only to see “Prince Player” walking into the computer lab. Oh my god, I am not in the mood for this. And I show it. I don’t mean to, but as I stuff my purse with my paper I roll my eyes and say “Oh my god” under my breath. “I’ve been really busy” he says. That’s nothing new. I want to leave, but I’m so…upset. I tell him I want to talk to him about last week, but we both have to get to class. We walk together and he agrees to meet me outside the elevators after class.

When I’m done with class, I come down the stairs and am so happy to see he is waiting for me. As we walk home and talk, it doesn’t seem like he gets a word I’m saying.He asks me what I expected…

“I just thought…maybe we could forget everything that happened last week and we can do that night over again?”I say

“Well that’s not gonna happen. Why would you think that?” he says laughing :0 What? I didn’t find that funny :(

“How’s ‘Heart’?” he asks when I don’t say anything. “Fine” I say biting my tongue.

“You guys together?” he asks. “No” I say.

“Any chance you guys will be?” I sigh, “No” I say again.

And again, he hurts my feelings telling me I need to love myself and something else. I can’t do this. I turn and walk away. For once, he calls me back. I come back and face him. He tells me to be honest with him and tell him what I want, even if it will make his upset.

“I know we can’t be together. But I thought we could continue being together/hanging out until it’s time for us to leave” I say.

He says no. Or something about how we can’t at the moment because he’s tired and wants to sleep. I’m done. So I Oh-ok-nevermind-i-understand-bye-saying-quotesswallow the gulp in my throat, put on my best smile, hug him, and tell him “Okay, some other time then.”

He’s telling me how great it was that I was honest with him, but by then- I’m already on the next sidewalk wiping my eyes. It was going to be a long walk home. Now I know how boys feel when they leave my place.

Once I get home, I want to sleep too. But I can’t. I have to go fend for my club and get funding! I put on a better dress and get on my way.

“You ready?” Mr. Photography dude asks when I walk in.

I look at him with tears in my eyes.

“Oh no….” he says.

But there’s no time to explain, it’s my turn to present.

(Continued in The Long Walk Home (continued))

Something Bigger Than Me

“We got denied funding” Mr. Photography dude says on the phone.

“Believe me I know” I say shaking my head. As I cram for my Microbio exam and end my terrible weekend with cramps, I am also handling all the politics going on :0 As if things couldn’t get worse on Thursday, I found out my club was denied funding for our main event this quarter! I did remind myself that  I need to rest up this weekend and allocated this issue to Harris and our other board members. But of course, they still need me.

Z and Gabby stopped by earlier today to check up on me.

“Did Player come see you?” Z asks. Oh. About that. I remember asking him to if we could talk this weekend and he had agreed. But no…he never did. I shake my head.

They both look at each other. “Are you okay?” Z asks.

I nod.

001bb06591389dc9ddaa4e2a3f3683feThey both look at me. “What? It’s okay. I’m okay! He probably doesn’t want to talk about it. And if he doesn’t, neither do I. I am an emotional person that loves too much and that is something I’m not going to apologize for!” I say.

“Damn, you should have your period everyday. You sound a lot smarter” Gabby says.

We all laugh. My hormones really stirred up my thoughts about things this weekend. I found myself thinking things like…

“Heart” can have Manhattan… and so can “Prince Player”- There’s a popular song by Sara Bareilles, it goes “you can have Manhattan, cause I can’t have you”. “Heart” was in Manhattan this weekend for a business trip. I am so proud of him. Younger than me and already a traveling businessman like the men in my family. I thought about him so much during this… period (no puns intended I swear).

I thought about how I got intense cramps during my internship over the Summer and he asked me what was wrong. When I told him, he said “It’s okay…it will only be a few more days”. It was sweet. It reminded me of how he would always come check up on me when I was…hormonal and took away every ounce of pain I was feeling.

But, he wasn’t here this time. Of no surprise, neither was player. And I was just fine. They aren’t obligated to be there for me when I’m sick.

“I’m having a contraction!”- Holy, moly. On Thursday, after I texted player and made all my calls canceling weekend plans, I had class. It was my only class and I was okay at the time so I thought I would go. But the second my Health professor started talking about pregnancy, I had the worst cramping that made me feel like I was going to give birth to “Prince Player’s” child. Z is in my class and I whispered to her. She grabbed my hand and laughed, “Why player’s child? Give birth to “Heart’s child!” I squeezed her hand and laughed (but laughing only made it worse). After a minute, it was gone. Sadly, it kept coming and going but I just squeezed Z’s hand and kept telling myself I have a three day weekend ahead. Note to self: Do not attend Health related classes when you’re on your period!!!

I have turned on the AC, then the heater, and then I turned them both off– I am hot and then cold and then hot and then cold. I’m okay right? ;)

Tips-for-Moms-Enjoying-the-Small-ThingsThe “Prince Player” and “Heart” situations are small to them, but big to me- I didn’t say this in my previous posts because I was too hurt. During our fiasco, “Prince Player” had also said “this is so small, compared to bigger things”. It is. I know. My cramps that caused me to lay in bed all weekend gave me time to read all kinds of news happening around the world. My heart pooh-quotebroke as I read about the problems people are facing. And yes, compared to that- he is small. And so is “Heart”. But not compared to that, and in my world of optimism where I live enjoying the small things, they hold big places in my heart! And so does everybody else.

Sometimes, it hurts that I need to care about something….something bigger than them….something bigger than me.

xoxo. S.

Stress vs. Hormones (guess who won)

“I’m late.”

“Your…late? What are you talking about? We said 10:00 and you’re here.” Gabby says. I look at Z and she shakes her head. “She means her period, Gabby.”

Yesterday, after 5 hours of Microbio- I went to volunteer and then I had an event for my club. By the time all of this was over at 9:00, I had to see my friends. And preferably girls. I text Gabby and Z and we agree to meet at the bar we usually go to.

Gabby’s eyes widen. “YOU DIDN’T.”

“I swear. I didn’t!” I say.

Gabby and Z exchange a look.

“Are you sure? Wait, who was it? Heart or Player?” Gabby grills me.

“Neither! I didn’t do anything, I’m sure!” I say.

Gabby starts laughing, “Okay then you’re fine. You do know how a baby is created right? You’re the Public Health major in our group?”

We all start laughing.

“YESSSS. But why am I so late? It’s been two weeks!” I say not drinking at all.

Gabby and Z stop drinking their drinks.

“Has it really been that long?” Z asks.

I nod.

Gabby shakes her head. “I’m sure there’s gotta be a reason why it’s so late. It could be stress! But what is so stressful to you that it is sooo late?”

“Gabby….” Z starts.

“No I understand. She has a new class to teach. She’s taking 4 classes with a Microbio lab which makes it 5 classes. Her family just moved to a new state. Because of their new mortgage, she had to pay her own tuition and rent this quarter. She has to run a club. She has to take the GRE. She has to apply for Grad school. On top of that, there’s the recent Prince Player dilemma. And then “Heart”. She has-

Gabby pauses. We stare at her.

“Oh shit.” She grabs my arm. “Ask for help sweetie! You don’t have to deal with all of this yourself!”

“It’s nothing new. I’ve been doing this for three years!” I say.

“Yea, but it has never affected your hormones like this! Like holy crap, your stress beat Mother Nature this time!” she says.

“I think it’s the Prince Player situation that stressed her a bit more this time” Z says.

Gabby looks at her. “Hun, I’m sure Shahz knows better than to stress over that.” She looks at me, “You do know that right?”

I stay silent.

“Oh hell. Shahz. You can’t be serious” she says.

I sigh. “I do know. But when it combined with everything that’s going on right now- I guess my body couldn’t handle it”.

“Maybe you should text him” she says.

I look at the floor. “And say what? I can’t. Anything I say about my feelings can ruin our friendship.”

Gabby rolls her eyes. “I saw ‘Heart’ today. I wanted to break his face. And then his balls. But I will let you do that part sweetie.”

Z and I burst out laughing. “But if I do that. I can’t have his child! Could you imagine? A cute little baby with his hazel eyes and my nose?” I say.

“Awwwww. And then it would also have your big eyes” Z says to me.

Gabby rolls her eyes, “You both are wackos. None of us have time for a baby right now! Especially you Shahz!”

Z nods at me. And we walk back home. Early morning today, I wake up with my whole body aching. And of course, it’s exactly what I’ve been waiting for.

I call Z and Gabby in the afternoon, “You guys won’t believe this.”

I tell them and they let me know they are around if I need anything. And then I tell player, he tells me I must have been so stressed. I tell him he has no idea and that I would like to see him as my cramps get worse when I think of our situation. He says okay.

anigif_optimized-2482-1427215342-4I make a few more calls and cancel my weekend plans that I have with any friends, my club, my students, or really anyone. Unless they want to come to my place. Because I need to rest this weekend. For myself, and my body.

xoxo. S.

Late Night Thoughts As I Fall Asleep Watching My Beautiful View (And An Answer To His Questions)

Every night, I sleep with my windows open. This is what I think to myself as I count the cars going by and all the buildings that make up the skyline.

I really shouldn’t walk alone at night, when I ask people like “Prince Player” to walk me home, I’m not trying to seduce them. Today, another guy randomly said “Damn. Beautiful lady!” eyeing me up and down as I walked by :0

I miss player. It’s been one week since our…fiasco. And I have an answer to his questions.

“What do you want?” I wanted him. I wanted him to be mine until I left for grad school (if I even get in). I wanted him until it was time for me to go.

“Why do you always cry after I leave?” I don’t always cry after he leaves…but in all honesty, I cry about everything. This past week, a girl I mentored at the YMCA for three years moved to North Carolina- I cried. Tonight, I watched the Good Wife episode where Will gets shot- I cried. Every day, I read stories about homeless dogs/puppies getting a home and family- I cry. Today, I was telling my mom about how I can’t believe where I’m standing today- I cried. I CRY ABOUT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.

“Why am I always in your thoughts?” I have ADHD, OCD, and anxiety. I have lived in 3 countries, 4 states, and countless cities. What I take with me in my mind despite all these hardships is people. Every since I was a child EVERYONE has been ALWAYS been in my thoughts. It isn’t just him. It’s “Heart”, it’s my mom and dad, it’s my family overseas, it’s my dog, it’s my students, it’s my friends that I left behind in all these places, it’s my readers, it’s really- everyone. Everyone is always in my thoughts.

B-J_9rJCMAAr8uL.jpg large“You need to start loving yourself” I already love myself enough and I don’t need anyone’s reminder. I learned to do that when “Heart” came into my life. You don’t need to love yourself before someone loves you, that is a myth. Myth. Myth. Myth. But true, I could love myself more. It’s unfortunate I have a big heart apparently….

I miss player. I wish this fight never happened. I wish he had seen me today and not last Monday because I’m more rested and finished all my assignments for tomorrow. Besides night class:0

Fights like this make me miss “Heart” I think I would like him as 299681e87e98e25d909bf7bc78996235much as “player” if he hung out with me more. He wants to enjoy any chance we have together. But he has no time to spend with me. And that is why I spend it with other people…who don’t like me back. He is in my thoughts all the time too, but the more he ignores me, the more I want nothing to do with him.

I need to take the GRE I’m scared of taking it because I have a learning disability and I’m scared that I will do poorly. There are accommodations for students with an LD, but I have to fill out a lot of paperwork if I want it :0 Regardless, it is time to move on from this town. If I get my Master’s from where I already go to school (I got admitted directly without having to take the GRE)- I’m going to deal with the same boys, same professors, same people, same city, same everything. I LOVE this place, but I have to take the GRE and get out of here! There are many beautiful places in the world (I would know, I have already lived in so many!)

I feel like I’m living in a fishbowl Everywhere I go, someone always knows me. “Hey, you’re my instructor! Hey, you’re the Vice President of that club! Hey, you’re the dancer from last year’s ball! Hey, you were the speaker at that conference!” People ask me why I care about what others think. And I never did, until now. These interactions remind me that I am an educator, leader, activist, and role model to many people. I must behave that way.

I would like to have some wine, but it’s only Monday.

xoxo. S.

Just, Release (My Third Week of Senior Year)

I see his face, he looks at me. I run and I run and I run after him. But he’s gone….

My alarm for brunch with friends go off. Crap, it was only a dream.

This has been a mad week. And it had nothing to do with player. After he left Monday night, I finished my paper and brushed up my lesson plan for the next day. On Tuesday, I was exhausted from the night before. But again I stayed up to do homework and study for my Microbio quiz. On Wednesday I had classes all day and went to volunteer. Finally, I got a chance to sleep fully on Wednesday night since I only have one class on Thursday and it doesn’t start until late afternoon.

I wake up on Thursday feeling good. It felt good to be well rested for once. I even debate texting player. I hold my phone and start typing, but I stop. Player crossed a line that night. He made me feel small. Just for saying that I like him. Which I slowly realized, I don’t- I like being with him. Or something. No way was I going to apologize for being a loving woman. So instead, I start typing up emails and sending Facebook reminders for my club’s Night Out event that was yesterday.

In the middle of writing a reminder email to Harris, (my President, betrayer, and Heart’s best friend), I see a big text pop up on my phone. My heart stops. It’s player!!! Christ, can he read my mind from a distance or something :0

He apologizes, and explains that he just knew I liked him and was tired of me hiding my feelings and making him look like the bad guy.

Oy ve, player. There were so many things wrong with his sentence. 1) What part of me saying “I like you” was hiding my feelings? 2.) When did I make him look like the bad guy? Only freshman year. Not recently. I am grown now and know that me making him look like the bad guy only makes me look worse.

There’s a hundred things I want to tell him, but I just keep quite because I don’t want to start another fiasco between us. I apologize back and say I didn’t mean anything I said that night. I don’t apologize because I have feelings for him, I apologize becuase I said I had feelings for him because that’s what started this. He says he didn’t mean anything either (although his words still hurts and for some reason I think he did mean it) and that he just knows nothing will ever end well between us and he just needs to release himself

Just. Just. Just. I am a writer, and sometimes, when a word is constantly repeated, it feels like someone is pricking me with a needle for heaven’s sake.

He stops responding and I get ready for class. Yesterday was the day of my event. After I made a few confirmation calls, I put on my best little black dress and went to get some coffee. Who do I see in the student center, “Heart” and his flirty treasurer. Ugh. What are they doing here? I walk the other way. I can play dirty politics, but now- is not the time.

Later when I go meet my club at the train station, everyone is hugging me and kissing my cheeks. “You look good” Harris tells me for the first time as he hugs me. I give him a smirk. He looks great as usual, but after what “Heart” told me, I can’t trust him. Harris and I talk a lot as the event goes on. When we are on our way to the Hookah Lounge, he even says “Hey guys! Shahz and I are going to the strip club and we will meet you guys at the hookah place!” My jaw drops and everyone laughs.

“I’m not that kind of girl” I tell him batting my eyelashes.

“It’s what’s on the inside that counts” he says flirtatiously.

****”WHY ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH THE ENEMY?” Mr. Photography dude asks me at brunch this morning.

Oh no. Hell no. No way will I go after Harris…

Harris and I talk throughout the night. We dance, we sing, he smokes (I watch). He’s hilarious, he’s protective,he’s-

Wait what. He almost took “Heart” away from me. What am I doing mingling with him??? I confront him about it, but he swears he would never hurt me. I keep my distance from him, hours later when he sees me leaving, he hugs me goodbye. “Be good” I whisper to him. He smiles at me.

At brunch, I tell Mr. Photography dude about my dream when the others talk amongst themselves.

“First, I had a dream he was in the hospital and that I found out through Snapchat! So when I woke up, I looked at my snapchat and didn’t have any from so you know I figured that was just a dream. Then, I went back to sleep and I had a dream that I saw him on the street. And I just kept running and running and running after him! And then he disappeared-”

“Wow, the hookah must have really gotten to your head” he says laughing.

I shake my head and glare at him, “I didn’t smoke any….”

“Yea but you must have had second-hand exposure if you were sitting so close to Harris….” he says.

Oh good heavens.

We look up what the dream about player means. The second dream. “To dream that you are running towards someone refers to your willingness to confront the situation with that person head on.”

He smiles.

bridget jonesI was really stupid Monday night. I don’t like him. I mean I do, but not in the way I said it… Anyways, I had dreams about “Heart” and Harris too.

Why are these three always in my dreams. Someone is lying to me and hiding things from me. It is “Heart”. It is “Harris”. It is even “Prince Player”.

When will I be strong enough…to just, release?

xoxo. S.

Something Better Than This: Part 2 (Thanks Mercury Retrograde)

continued from: Something Better Than This

Jesus christ. See what happens when I open my mouth? But he is right. Lately, when we have been hanging out, it feels the way it did freshman year. And my god- I sure as hell will not let my Senior year turn out the way my Freshman year did.

After we make this mutual decision, I think things are good between us. He says “Now you have a story to write on your blog!” I’m glad he thinks this is funny…Somewhere in between- we start fighting. I think he brings up the story about what happened freshman year (him hooking up with several girls) and how he was so shocked that I thought we were “exclusive” as what happened between us never really meant anything to him. I gape, I ask him why he came back to me if I didn’t mean The-Good-Wife-image-the-good-wife-36296983-500-500anything to him.

And then he says the words that I always pray no one says to me.

“Because…I felt bad for you.”

What. the. crap!

I turn away. He says he didn’t mean it like that and starts to explain himself.

“Stop…you’ve already said enough….” I say swallowing back a tear.

He tells me I don’t know what I want.

I say I do. “Oh, and what is it?” he asks.

“Something better than this!” I say throwing my hands in the air.

He looks at me for a while. I think he will listen to me, but instead he says- “I’m done with this” and reaches for his phone.

I roll my eyes and shake my head. “What are you done with?”

“This! I’m over it! Why am I so invested in your thoughts? Why do you always have to cry after I leave? You need to learn to love yourself!”


images1The worst kind of ouch possible. Player. Player will never understand what I have seen, what I have felt, and what I have heard that makes it so difficult to love myself and really, all the other crap he mentioned. And that is why his questions will never be answered.

But he won’t even listen to me.

I stare at him. What just happened? This isn’t the player I used to do homework with. This isn’t the player that walked me home on late nights. This isn’t the player I know.29833d987f64b1a775cdb8bf13b2b010

He does things on his phone and avoids eye contact with me. I can’t think of a time when I ever made a guy this upset. He keeps talking to me only to see when he can leave. (My roommate suddenly came home and I did not tell her I would be having company so we needed to wait until she went to shower/bed.) He’s angry. He makes a comment about me being a “wuss”. It’s mean… I’m so furious I go and check a few minutes later, she’s in the shower. And so I tell him, player quickly gets up and leaves.

superthumbAs if he suddenly feels better that he’s out of my place, he starts talking to me as I walk him out. He tells me he saw that other girl (the girl mentioned in Why I Want to Forgive Him) earlier this week. I shake my head and try to open the elevator so I can go back to my room and mope. But he laughs and says nothing happened. It still hurts.

“Hey don’t forget what you did with ‘Heart’ in his car last week” Mr. Photography dude says.

I bite the straw of my Pumpkin Spice Latte. “I didn’t do ANYTHING out of respect to player!” I say.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have done anything with player, out of respect to ‘Heart'” he says tilting his head.

Yea. Maybe.

He sure as hell wouldn’t tell me I need to love myself.

“Um. In his defense. I think you do need to practice loving yourself a bit more” Mr. Photgraphy dude says.

I sigh.

“You know. A normal woman, when she got that text, she would have been like- ‘I just had night class, I have to teach bright and early tomorrow, afterwords I have a big executive board meeting, then I have a paper due tomorrow and I have a big quiz Wednesday morning! So I can’t see you for the next three days! But what do you say? ‘Sure'”

I look at him. And then at the floor. And then at him.

“I just take the love I have for myself, and spread it around” I say all bubbly.

“Aw and isn’t that so cute. No habibti (my dear)! No!” he says.

I laugh. I’m proud of myself. I didn’t cry after player left. The least I could do for myself, was not cry over him. Not this time. I was more upset than sad anyway. I used my anger to write my paper. I finished it in less than two hours but went to bed at 4am. And then had to be up for class at 8am :0 I didn’t have time to nap between classes because of my board meeting and was so tired all day :(

As my board started leaving, Mr. Photography dude and I decided to analyze why all of this crap suddenly happened last night. I decided to do what I always do- read my monthly horoscope. And holy moly! Did you guys know mercury is in retrograde right now?? Oh my gosh. Why didn’t anyone tell me to save my feelings until October when it is over :p (For those of you wondering, Mercury Retrograde affects all astrological signs so…beware and don’t make the mistake I did). To make matters way worse, Sagittarius (that’s me!) and a few other signs are in their eclipse! Eep! Eclipses are not good! My jaw drops as I read to Mr. Photogrpahy dude: “Speaking of love, you have an eclipse this month. If you have been seeing someone- you may break up. If there is something that was never discussed that has been troubling you or your partner, it is likely to come out now. An eclipse would bring out hidden resentments –  even if you never meant to bring up the subject. Think back to April 4th. This eclipse within a few days of September 27th will be connected closely to it.”

I think. Mr. Photography dude watches. “HOLY SHIT!” I say.

“What? What happened on April 4th???” Mr. Photography dude is eager to know.

“April 4th, 2013. I had cramps. I was very hormonal. And that was the day Prince Player told me he was hooking up with other girls!” I say freaking out.

“Holy crap” he says.

“Oy ve what have I done. I should have waited until the eclipse was over” I say putting my head on the table.

Mr. Photography dude scrolls down, “Hey look. It says ‘Still I think this is a positive full moon eclipse and that you will like the outcome. I feel you can fix things, so don’t become anxious.”

I laugh. “Fat chance of that happening, let me tell ya.”

We both sigh. I don’t know what’s going on. But Mercury retrograde or not, eclipse or not, I deserve something. Something better than this.

xoxo. S.

Source of horoscope:

Something Better Than This

I’m done. Why do you always cry after I leave? Why am I always in your thoughts? You need to start loving yourself. What the f—?

The words “Prince Player” said last night keep replaying in my mind.

“Hey Shahz. Shahz? Hello? You’re okay with this yes?”

“Huh? What. Oh yea sure” I say. I’m at a meeting with Mr. Photography dude and a few executive board members planning for my club’s next major event (the one I met “Heart” at two years ago).

“So you’re okay with us using your belly dancing photos from last year’s ball as promotional material?” he asks. All eyes are on me.

“What the f—? You know I don’t like that shit.” I whisper to him.

“Okay that’s what we’ve been asking you for the past 5 minutes but you have been in your own world” he whispers back.

I sigh and pinch myself under the coffee table. “I’m sorry. I had a long night.”

He shakes his head. “Well get it together Vice President. We need you.”

I nod and take a deep breath. Senior year really isn’t starting the way I wanted it to. On Mondays I have a three hour night class, on Tuesday early mornings I TA a four hour class, and on Wednesday early morning I have a three hours Microbio class. This is on top of my other classes, volunteering, and running a club. I barely get rest these days. I don’t even have time to study for the GRE or apply to grad schools which sucks because….I need to leave this town and find where I belong in the next few months.

And last night, things got a little worse. Mondays already suck because, well, night class. I don’t like 3 hour classes at night- it sucks for someone with ADHD. All I think about in that class is eating, sleeping, and the men in my life. To make matters worse, as soon as I get home, I can’t sleep. I need to prep my lesson plan for the class I will be TAin the next morning. But last night, I had another task. I had a paper to write. I didn’t mean to save this paper until last minute, but I have been so occupied by my new students, 4 all science classes, and political role that I just…procrastinated.

As I was wondering when the heck I will be released from class, I feel my phone vibrate several times. I slowly pull it out of my pocket when the professor is not looking- it’s my mom and “Prince Player”. Why do they always text me at the same time :0 “Prince Player’s” text cheers me up and as class is ending, I message him and we talk. He asks if I’m free then or tonight. Well shit. My busiest nights. Monday nights= lesson prep night (plus this particular Monday I had to work on a paper) and Tuesday nights= study for Microbio quiz night (I always have a quiz on Wednesday mornings). I quickly decided that Microbiology is my most important class and I can’t risk not studying for that tonight. And then I shrugged and thought I could probably do my paper quickly after he leaves.

qitem.phpBut most importantly, did we not just see each other four days ago? I wonder why he wants to see me again so quickly. It’s unlike him. But I couldn’t stop thinking about him since he left, so I say okay and he stops by after I get back from class.

“Is this gonna become a thing? I saw you twice in the past few days!” I say as soon as I see him.

“If you want it to…” he says smiling.

Holy crap. Do I want it to?

I shake it off. Right now, player is here to see me. And I must make things right before this year ends and we never see each other again.

When we’re in my apartment, things are going well. But then- something doesn’t feel right. He asks me what’s wrong. I say nothing. He asks me again.

“I like you” I say.

****”You did not. Why would you do something like that?” Mr. Photography dude asks later

*****”Better now than later when he hooks up with someone else and I get sad” I say.

Mr. Photography dude sighs and shakes his head.

Back to player. “You…. like me….?” he asks slowly.

I sigh. “I think I like you.”

“Well, you know where I stand on all of this” he says.

Uh huh. Yes. He stated it ever so clearly in Everything Has Changed Part 2.

But, bullshit. How could he not have a single feeling towards me after everything that’s happened these few months….

“Is it…that you don’t like me…or can’t like me?” I ask.

“I can’t like you” he says.

I nod. I knew it. We talk and he says that everything between me and him is just fun. And that he came to see me because he missed me. He says we should stop this. I tell him this has happened between us before several times. And so he says, “maybe it shouldn’t happen again then”.


xoxo. S.

About Last Week….

“Yea…has it been dry lately?”

I gape. And then I burst out laughing. I can’t believe “Prince Player” made a sexual reference to me!!!!!!

I should probably start from the beginning. Senior year has started off on a very busy note. I don’t know what I was thinking when I signed up for 4 classes (ALL SCIENCE!), a TAing job, volunteering, and hello- being Vice President of one of the biggest club’s on campus. And in between my own class that I was TAing for the first time, the professor I used to work with asked me to come speak to his class. It was the same class player and I took together three years ago and it gave me memories. Then when I returned to teach my own class, I gave them an informal presentation first about how my freshman year went (I always do this for the first lesson) I talk about my mistakes, successes, ups, and downs. Obviously, the “Prince Player” story was in it. And that’s what my students were invested in the most :0 They stayed after class to ask me about it! That gave me memories too :( So yea, this was quite the week.

But finally, the weekend started to arrive and… I saw “Prince Player” at a meeting. I just got back from an outing with my former students so I’m actually really happy. He gives me a smile. I give him a smile. He knows he is in deep shit. I look at him when he sits down. “I am a horrible texter.” No shit sweetie. I fold my hands and raise my chin and ask him the question that I have been dying to know and did not get a response to through text, “Are you okay?”

He says yes. I don’t believe him.

So I wait until the meeting is over. He says “Wanna hang out?” and then “See ya later!” God why is player teasing me. Which one does he want? I decide to tease him back.

“Oh. You’re not gonna won’t walk me home?” I say giving him my puppy eyes.

“You did not, you flirt” Mr. Photography dude says as he proof-read this post.

“Shut up I just asked him to walk me home” I say.

Anyways back to player. He sighs a dramatic sigh, “Fineeeeeee” he says. And so just like freshman year, he walks me home. Now’s my chance to ask him again-

“Are you okay?” I ask.

“Oh yea. I’ve just been stressed-” Oh my god why does Player not see what I’m asking.

“No not that…about last week...” I finally say.

“Oh last week? Yea” he shrugs. “My lack of response had nothing to do with that” he says.

“You had me worried sick! I thought I broke you!” I say. “No” he says shaking his head. And then, “…did I break you?”

I smile and say no. Of course he didn’t break me! At least not this time… He asks me how my week has been.

“Oh my god you have no idea. I have been so stressed too-” I begin.

“Yea…has it been dry?” he asks. Oh my god. And so we are at the point where the story began. Player is just so funny. It reminded me of how last year around this time  he accidentally told our friend “It’s easy to get to the bottom of her hole, I know how to get to the bottom of her hole!” See: Second Week Back At School

I laugh so hard and look at him. He knows what he just said and I can totally see he meant it! Silly player. It’s moments like these that I will sooooo miss after college.

“How’s your boyfriend?” he asks.

I laugh. “He’s good” I say. I try to block out what happened with him the week before…

“He’s probably better than me” player says.

I shake my head and smile. Player will never understand.

We talk some more and walk past my freshman year dorm. “Look that’s where I used to live freshman year! And we used to-”

He stops me and says he tries not to remember what happened freshman year :( It makes me sad but then Mr. Photography dude says “Maybe he tries not to remember what happened with all those other girls he hooked up with, not you” and then I feel better.

We talk some more. I finally tell him my concerns about what happened the week before and he reassures me about things. We both agree that we liked what happened last week. And then, all though rules he created last week about how “we shouldn’t spend time alone together” and really everything- got broken.

Oy ve.

grey's anatomy“So really….nothing has changed” Mr. Photography dude says after he analyzes my week.

I shrug. What is going on right now?

As if God is testing me, “Heart” texts me the next morning. Thankfully, it’s about our clubs.

He asks if I am attending the conference at (a certain Ivy League I must not say to protect the privacy of the blog and people mentioned in it). I say probably. My whole Executive Board was invited. His executive board was invited too so I ask him if he is going as well. He says “I don’t think so”. Thank god,  it would really suck to have to see him and his entire sassy executive board that is taking him away from me. I tell him I’m not totally sure if I can go yet because I have a scholarship event on the first night and would have to come late without my board if I am going. He says he hopes that I figure everything out and that hopefully I can go. It’s sweet. But…why did he want to know if he isn’t going? He is up to something- and I don’t like it.

xoxo. S.

Late Night Thoughts As I Fall Asleep Watching My Beautiful View

Every night, I sleep with my windows open. This is what I think to myself as I count the cars going by and all the buildings that make up the skyline.

1.) The cashier who handed me a free sample of “Vanilla Frosted Combos” while I was buying my textbooks in the bookstore at school today saying “Hey, thanks for hanging with us and waiting in line” made my entire week. I first tried combos when I was six and my family just moved from the Middle East. I knew very little English and I accidentally asked for combos instead of ice cream in the lunch line… I didn’t like combos back then. But these new Vanilla Frosting ones have transported me back to my childhood. To whoever invented these, I love you <3 And to the person who gave it to me while I was standing in line, bless you <3

2.) My neck, my shoulders, and head are aching from sitting still for three hours in night class. But, after class I gave my Professor the “I have ADHD” speech I must have with all my professors the first week of classes and she was really sweet and offered me tips on how to do well in her class. It is very important to me because her class is what I want to do with my life….”Health Education”.

3.) Today when I was walking to night class, I was thinking about everything on this list. As my mind was clouded, this guy stopped me and said “Excuse me. I just saw you walking and I think you’re really cute. What’s your name?” I stood like a deer in headlights and walked away. Do guys…think it’s okay to do this? I thought he was going to say “I saw you walking and I think I’m your student” or “I saw you walking and recognized you from the fair on Friday. I’m interested in joining your club!”. Not…”I think you’re really cute. What’s your name?” You don’t ask that to some random person on the street thinking about life and 4amrushing to class.

4.) Tomorrow is my first day of my last year TAing at this university. I have just (oh so at the very last minute) finished up my syllabus. It wasn’t my fault, my Professor still hasn’t created his and I wanted to collaborate with him. The class starts at 8:50 tomorrow, I should probably go to sleep soon. But no, I must mentally practice what I will tell these students tomorrow!

5.) Is it too late to have some wine?

6.) Yes it is. And my class starts at 8:00 tomorrow….Who wants a hungover teacher? No thank you. Maybe I’ll have some tomorrow night.

7.) If I was the same religion as “Prince Player”, I could be with him.

8.) If I was the same religion as “Heart”, I could be with him.

xoxo. S.