2 Weeks

“Maybe he has a zit” Mr. Photography dude says.

I raise my eyebrows and begin laughing. After having a great few days celebrating my commitment to BU, everything changed on Tuesday.

On Tuesday a protest broke out at my school.It divided us into two. I have been asked my opinion on the issue several times being the President of one of the largest cultural groups on campus. I have declined to speak. My members have been actively participating in one side of the protest and I am in a knot.

Everyone is either very upset, or trying to spread love over campus during this time. But most people are upset and it’s rubbing off on me.

I sit in the quad before night class and whine about how I’m leaving in two weeks and “Prince Player” oh so lovingly said we could hang out last week but we never did. And he hasn’t spoken to me since we last hung out! And I’m going out of town this weekend so he better not have thought we could hang out this weekend!

“Maybe he has a zit.”

(Now we’re back to where this post begin.) I raise my eyebrows and look at Mr. Photography dude and laugh.

“What? The only reason why you ever avoid seeing a guy is because you have a zit…” he says.

I laugh, I can barely control my laughter.

62971-Love+quotes+time+togetherAfter I pull myself together, I finally speak. “It’s fine. We can hang out a 1,000 times and I sill won’t be ready to say goodbye” I say. “Same with ‘Heart’. Oh my god I can’t do that one. You do that one for me okay?” I say.

One of our friends walk by and comes my way. “Congratulations Shaz!” she says kissing me on the cheek.

With all the anger going on campus these past few days, I’m confused as to what she is congratulating me on.

“Can you believe this girl is leaving us for Boston?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

Ah. Then I remember. I hug her and say thanks. All of this tension around campus made me forget about my own success. Lots of people were telling me stories over the weekend of how I got the news. Some were in airports, work, school, abroad- all over the world and my good news got to all of them. It was uplifting❤

After she leaves, Sidekick comes out of the middle of nowhere. I don’t get how he keeps doing this. “I heard a rumor about you” he says.

I take off my sunglasses. “What?” I ask.

“Is it true you’re not staying until August? You’re taking off right after graduation?” he asks.

I look at Mr. Photography dude. Lately, things have been very tough. I got a wonderful internship to work for the Governor, but my thyroid has been a disaster. I wake up in the middle of the night with body aches every other night. My dad says I should come home and take a break, that I’ve worked hard and the best thing to do before going into something serious like grad school…is taking a break. Even though I really want to take this internship.

“It’s not a rumor, it’s the truth” I say sadly.

His jaw drops. “So you’re leaving us in two weeks? You’re leaving the place you called home for twelve year in two weeks??” he asks.

I nod “Most likely, yea”.

His jaw drops, “do something” he tells Mr. Photography dude.

“I will” he says. Sidekick goes to get food.

“As much as I’ll fucking miss you. I agree with your dad. Go home. I don’t want to see you sick” Mr. Photography dude says.

I look away. This is hard. I have battled my thyroid disorder for nearly three years. I have toughened it out. I have managed to look fabulous through it all. It always gets to be the worst when I have big things going on.

Such as graduation. And leaving Chicago for good. I could have stayed until August.

Do I stay or do I go.

xoxo. S.

Maybe I Am Special (Decided)

On Wednesday, after I cried my eyes out for the third time in a row this week, I walked downstairs to get a snack from the vending machine. I couldn’t tell if I was upset about school. My club. My friends. Making a decision about where I want to go to school. My family. My therapist. Or what my roommate asked about me and “Prince Player”.

Since I was already downstairs, I decided to check the mail. What came in the mail…changed everything. My official acceptance packet to BU❤

After the initial happiness, I go to bed. I have dreams of me telling everyone and sitting in a BU class. When I wake up around 7 on Thursday morning, I have this weird intuition. That I WANT to go to BU. I really do. It’s the 10th best school in the country, it is a beautiful campus, I love the program- that’s it, that’s where I have to go.

I text Mr. Photography dude and go back to sleep.

Three hours later, he calls me. “Get up. We’ve got Dunkin!” He informs me that Sidekick and him are on their way. I rub my eyes. “What…it’s like 10 in the morning” I say.

“Yes. And that is a normal time people wake up at. Come on! Today is Shaz day! You decided habibti!!!!”

I laugh and start getting ready. When they arrive, Mr. Photography dude places the lattes down. “Alf mabrook, you deserve to go there” he says hugging me. Sidekick too.

“Okay so after this, you go on off to you’re class, and then we’re going out!” he says handing me tickets to something.

“What’s this?” I ask reading it.

“It’s a wine tasting class! I got free VIP tickets because I did a photo shoot for the guy teaching it. Actually, the guy knows you too!”

My eyes get wide. “Who?” I ask.

“Will! He gave me a free ticket, then I asked if my friend can come. And he said no. But then I randomly said your name- and he said, “Oh my god Shahz! No way! YES OF COURSE! I know her!”

I raise my eyebrow. I have no clue who he’s talking about. But hey, a $50 wine tasting class for free? I’ll take it.

So after they leave…and before I have to get going to class…I call my mom. I take a deep breath.

index“Mom. Do you remember that day I failed that Science test? In 8th grade? And the teacher returned it with the comment “Scientist?” on i, mocking me…claiming I can’t be a Scientist?” I ask.

Habibti…I forgot all about that. You never told me why he wrote that. How dare he! You are brilliant!”

“Exactly. He was wrong, Mom. And I have decided…that I’m going to BU. And I’m going become the best damn Scientist anyone has ever heard of”.

My mom begins crying and calls my dad. “She’s going to BU!!!! Our baby’s going to Boston!!! She decided!!!!” she yells, cries, laughs- I can’t even comprehend what she’s doing. “Well. No surprise there” my dad says with as smile in his voice.I laugh.

After class, Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick come back. It is time to make things Facebook official.

Mr. Photography dude takes a picture of me holding my acceptance packet.

“What should I write as the caption you guys?” I ask.

They look at each other. “Honestly. I think you should write that story about what your Science teacher said!” Sidekick says.

I shake my head. “Oh my god guys no. That is so personal” I say.

“Well maybe it’s time you get personal. People don’t see that side of you often…” Sidekick says. Mr. Photography dude nods.

So I do. I post the photo Mr. Photography dude took with a story of the Science teacher who claimed I couldn’t be a scientist and how I am now going to get pursue my MPH at BU.

And we leave for the wine tasting.

“Damn Shahz! Your post is already blowing up with likes!” Mr. Photography dude says.

I shake my head. “Shut up. I know people that get more” I say.

“Hey what have I told you about comparing yourself?” Mr. Photogaphy dude asks.

I laugh. When we get to the wine tasting class, I see a familiar face. I look closer. He hugs me. “SHAZ!!!!!” he says.

Oh. my. god. Will! It’s Will from my middle school science class!!!!!!!

“What are you doing here? Ya genius I thought you graduated early and were going to business school or something” I say hugging him back.

“I do” he says. “At Chicago Booth…” Well damn, Will did good. That is one of the best Business schools in the country. He looks at Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick. “This was the sweetest girl at our school. I always wondered what happened to her” he says.“She was something special”.

“She still is! Did you hear her big news?” Mr. Photography dude says.

“Of course! How could I not! Our whole school is talking about it!!!!” he pulls out his phone. “Look at all the people from (insert my former Middle school’s name) who liked it!” he says.

I smile. My eyes well up. Holy cow. Will begins pouring us glasses of wine. “Seriously. I always knew this girl would go places. Everyone knew her as beauty and brains. Can’t believe it. Shaz. Leaving us for Boston” Will says shaking his head.

I hang onto Will. “Stop. Look who’s talking. Mr. Chicago Booth! What are you doing teaching wine classes anyway?” I ask.

“Hey I gotta pay my tuition somehow don’t I?” Will says.

We laugh and raise our glasses. “To Shaz” Will says. I smile. “To all of you, for having my back in times of doubt” I say back.

We clink our glasses and sit through the class. In between, my Facebook is blowing up with likes, comments, and private messages.

I’m surprised to see one particular like. Not even a like but a “love”.

“Holy crap Will! Come here!” I say during a break.

He comes to me. I show him my phone. “Remember this guy? Bobby?” I ask.

“Yea. Popular guy. Busted for smoking pot Sophomore year. Why?” he asks.

I smile. “He was my Chemistry lab partner….” I say.

Will’s jaw drops. “Oh my god!!! The one who called you pretty and you were so flattered because he was popular and what not. Yea he always flirted with you. I think he liked you because he was a bad boy and you were a sweet girl” he says.

I smile and nod. Bobby, my Chem lab partner from high school, who I crushed on all semester during that class “loved” my news❤ I would always tell Bobby about my passion for science and teaching. I’ve had no form of communication with  him for 6 years. Until now. Bobby hasn’t forgotten me! My favorite lab partner still remembers me❤ I felt so special.

I wonder why my inbox is blowing up so much. I open it. Some people say congratulations. Some people ask my to make my post public so they can share :0 I roll my eyes at Mr. Photography dude. He looks at my phone. “Just tell them no. That this is personal. You’re flattered they want to share it but it’s personal” he says.

I’m excited to see my old friends have messaged me. Including big friends I lost touch with like Steven and Evan. When Steven and I begin talking, he says, “I always knew you would do big things. You are very special Shahz”.

It all made me smile❤ As we were leaving, Will gives us a wine bottle to take home- as a congratulations present. It is so sweet.tumblr_n4pzcmDgNu1tpvwyho1_500.gif

When I get home. I feel so complete. I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life.

And then. I remember all the people I have to start saying goodbye to. Crap.

xoxo. S.

I Wanted to Be Special (My ghost phone, my person, my sanity)

I think Tuesdays should be eliminated from the week. Sometimes Mondays, Sometimes Wednesdays- but definitely Tuesdays. There was a time, when I was 19, I looked forward to Tuesdays. I got to see my wonderful then boyfriend- “Heart”. I just could not wait for Tuesday to appear.

But yesterday. And today. Was a nightmare.

It all began when I went to see my therapist. Our last session together. She wanted to take the last 20 minutes to discuss “how I was feeling that my sessions with her are ending”. I was happy, I told her that I have grown a lot as a person since I started seeing her and I’m fine. Since we established that, I decided to talk to her about another issue. She interrupts and says- “I think we should use this time to discuss how our sessions are ending and how you feel about that.” My jaw dropped. As a patient, I think I can decide what I want to talk about. And did I not just say…that I was fine with it? But I repeat my very simple statement I made before, and she stares at me for the rest of the time. I could not have gotten out of there fast enough. She wishes me well and I give her my best fake smile.

In a few minutes, my next hurdle will begin. My club meeting. My board pulls me aside to critique the board members I have chosen for next year. They don’t approve and start belittling everyone I chose :0 So as a good president- I tell them I respect their opinions, and would love to see who else they can find for these positions. They all stay silent. And finally conclude that they don’t know anyone else and suddenly agree that I chose a good board. Then they compliment each other and what a great job THEY did this year. Mr. Photography dude looks at me, and then back at my board, “Guys, I think we owe it to our President. She picked up all our shit when we couldn’t. Which was a lot of times.” So then they acknowledge me.

I step outside a few minutes later.

He follows me. “Don’t let them get to you. You don’t have time for that. You have Boston and your research study to worry about! Go home!” he says.

We hug and I do what he asks. Except when I get home, I can’t do anything. I feel sick. I feel anxious that all these people that once supported me, now don’t look at me the same.

As if things can’t get any worse, I see “Heart’s” name on my phone. It looked like he was calling me. I began saying “hello”. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited that he was calling me because it had been a really crappy day and it would have been nice to talk to a familiar person that knows me better than anyone else….

But then. I realize. That my phone is actually calling him….What the absolute heck?? My phone randomly dialed him! Oh shit. I instantly end the call.

And I text him. I tell him that I think I “buttdialed” him and am super sorry. But then, my phone calls some else!!! So I text “Heart” again and tell him that I actually have a ghost phone. He laughs and says it’s fine and I should get it fixed.

Ugh. I hope he doesn’t think I called him on purpose and using the “ghost phone” thing as an excuse. It really did call him!

We talk a bit about our clubs, he invited me to a few of his events and then we say goodnight. I get really sad thinking about the way we used to be, and what could have been.

A tear drop rolls down my cheek. How could I ever have lost the one person that saw the best in me.

Today I wake up empowered for it to be a good day. People are going through more serious things. I talked to a few of my classmates I’m doing my Senior Research Study with, and holy crap. One was in a car accident, one just lost a friend to suicide over the weekend, and one chopped off his finger while cooking!

I felt so bad for getting worked up about my stuff. My little mental issues are no where near as bad as what these guys went through this week.

“So are you good? Or did you have a crappy week too?” my classmate asks smiling.

I smile back. I didn’t have the heart to explain that my problems were mostly emotional.

When I got back from class, my roommate decided to randomly ask “Does your person know you’re moving to Boston?”

Wait what.

2 things.

Who said I have decided to go to Boston?

Who is my person? And then my eyes widen. She means “Prince Player”.

Oh. my. god. I politely answer, “No I don’t think he does”….and begin to get ready for Heart’s event and night class.

When I get to “Heart’s” event, Mr. Photography dude pulls me aside.

“Let’s leave” he says.

I raise my eyebrows. “Why?” It’s a busy day and I have night class in 50 minutes, but, I feel like I have to show “Heart’s” club support.

“You look like you’re about to cry” he says.

Well that’s not a lie. We walk outside.

He asks me why I look like I’m about to break.

I tell him what my roommate just said. “Yea so? Fuck that. It was just a question.” he says.

“He’s not my person. Never was, never will be” I say sadly.

“Don’t you mean, you’re not his person? Never was,never will be?” he asks laughing.

baa2a6cd3c1bb22eb058066669e6c059I look at him sadly and nod.

He shakes his head. “Okay whoa that was a joke! You don’t believe it do you?”

“It’s true” I say.

“So what if it is? He can still be your person even if you aren’t his” he says putting his arm around me.

I feel the wind blow through my hair. “It isn’t fair” I say.

We look away. I turn to him after a while.

“Will you miss me when I leave?”

He rolls his eyes at me. “Don’t even ask me that. You already know how I feel about it” he says.

“Do you think he will miss me?” I ask.

He looks down. “Yea…but I think he’ll miss a lot of girls when they leave” he says.

I want to cry, but I don’t. “And that’s the unfair part” I say. “I wanted to be special” I say letting my shoulders drop.

I shake my head. “How could she even suggest he was my person? We never went to restaurants. We never went to the movies. We never did anything outside of our places!!!!” I say irritated.

He shakes his head. “Yes but you guys had plenty of other important moments. Who cares where you talk. It’s about the conversation, not where. You are special. Won’t you miss a lot of other guys when you leave?” he asks.

I laugh. “Not the way I’ll miss you, Sidekick, player, and “Heart”!” I say. “You guys were all uniquely special to me” I say smiling.

“You’re special to a lot of people too. I promise. Remember what “Heart” said?” he asks.

I look down and smile.

“We will all miss you. You were a friend to us all” I say remembering.

“See this is why I advocate for you and him. I think he gets you better than player” he says laughing.

I sigh. Night class was about to begin and I get going. After night class, I can’t do anything. My anxiety is causing me to break and I am so burnt out from all my senior projects, I ask my professor for an extension on my homework assignment that was due tonight.

I don’t know why I let what others say (or don’t say) make me feel…unspecial.

xoxo. S.

Decisions, decisions

“Well, it’s up to Madame President.” Everyone turns to me.

I suck in my cheeks. Why. Must. I. Make. The hard. Decisions.

I’m not even over my weekend yet!

Last Friday: “Yea, we can do that next week” Player said smiling at me.

lunalovegood115-1589894_640_352My eyes widen. There’s a next week? :0 Christ. Last time we were together, player said, “We’ll do that next time. If there even is a next time….” implying he didn’t want one (and we didn’t, until now).

I smile. Oh that made me happy. I think. I shake it off. I don’t want my wild imagination to get ahead of me. Player leaves quickly. It’s good because he was tired and I had my flight in the morning.

I barely slept because of all the nerves. And then, I woke up in between feeling sick. I oversleep and end up missing my flight:/ Thankfully, I catch the next one and make it to my interview in time. It goes pretty well and I loved the campus.

Back to reality.

My board is waiting on me to make a decision on who I would like to pass my presidential role to and who else I want on next year’s executive board.

I swallow. “I need a minute” I say.

They all look at each other. I raise my eyebrows (implying I mean business!). They shrug and pack up their belongings.

Mr. Photography dude stays. They look at him. “What. I’m practically her assistant!”

I laugh and wait until they leave.

I bury my face on the table when everyone’s gone.

“So?” Mr. Photography dude says poking me after I didn’t move for 2 solid minutes.

“I can’t do this” I say.

“You better do this” he says.

“Why do I suddenly have to make all these decisions??” I ask. “Do I want this person to be President, or do I want that person to be President? Do I go to BU, or do I not go to BU? Do I trust player and try to patch up whatever it is we had with the time we have left. Or do I not-?” I start listing off all my questions.

Mr. Photography dude spits out his gum. “I’m sorry. What was that last one? About player?” he asks.

Sidekick walks in. “Yea what about player?”

“Where did you come from?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

Sidekick points outside the door. “There”. I laugh at him. “They said you guys are deliberating in here. I didn’t know it was about player!” Sidekick says getting excited.

“We weren’t…” Mr. Photography dude says glaring at me.

“Well hell I want to. Did you guys hang out after your meeting last night?” he asks pulling up a chair.

I look at Mr. Photography dude and gape. “How-?” I begin.

“Oh please. I know you had one of your meetings last week. That’s why you couldn’t hang out with us. And I know what happens after those meetings” he says winking.

I smile and try to hide my laughter.

Mr. Photography dude glares at me and gasps. “Oh no way…no way. You did didn’t you? That’s why you missed your flight the next day!”

I roll my eyes. “You guys the security lines at O’hare are madness. It was going out the door. Keep in mind I was also feeling very sick-” I begin.

“I told you not to eat all that gluten” Mr. Photography dude says.

Sidekick looks like he won the lottery. “I knew it. She saw him!” He looks at Mr. Photography dude, “pay up” he says.

My eyes widen. Mr. Photography dude slips $10 to Sidekick and shakes his head at me. “I was rooting for you”.

My jaw drops. “You guys made a bet???” I ask.

“We’ve been betting all year. You’re making me broke!” Mr. Photography dude says.

“And you’re making me rich” Sidekick says pulling out his wallet.

I laugh and roll my eyes. “Why Shahz. Why. You deserve better” Mr. Photography dude says.

I sigh. “I’m leaving soon. For good. I want to see him as much as possible before I go. Just like you guys. It’s simple” I say.

“Yea but we’re good people” he says.

“Player’s a good person too” I say as I take off my heels that kill. “Be happy for me” I say grabbing his arm.

He shrugs. “It’s all good until you pose like this” he makes an angry face “and this at my photo shoots because you’re pissed at something he did”. I laugh. “Or when you show up to one of these meetings and you’re not the badass President you are because you’re pissed at something he did.” I laugh.

“Did you guys decide on President yet?” Sidekick asks. He has gotten off his high of me talking to player again.

I look at Mr. Photography dude. They both look at me. “What? This club is my baby. I gotta hand it down to someone who will take good care of it!” I say.

“Trust princess. Trust” Mr. Photography dude says organizing the applications of our top choices in front of me.

I choose an application. “This one” I say. Mr. Photography dude raises his eyebrows. “Mariam?” he asks. I nod.

“She’s not committed” he says biting his lip.

I sigh. “I know. But. She’s the only one that wants to specifically be president. Everyone else is open to any position” I say shrugging. “When she’s president, she will learn commitment”.

After deliberating for another hour, I choose 3 more board members. It is nice to see all the applications in a row. I made a decision!!!

When I get home. My dad has a question for me. “So did you decide about Boston?”539049756

Yikes.

And if you’re faced with a choice and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

xoxo. S.

Make Up

I’ll be damned. I look back, player is so far from me. He waves. I tell myself to run, but my legs won’t move. I try to stay still but that makes me feel even more sick and cold so I walk to him.

“You could have just stayed there” he says when I reach him. I look at him and turn my face. And then I look at him again.

He smiles. “I just saw you walking alone…and I thought I would walk you home”. I laugh to myself. Oh player. He hasn’t forgotten❤

I stay quiet. But he won’t stop mumbling. “We don’t have to talk” he says. I laugh. Okay point taken.

“How was night class?” I finally ask. Player’s a grad student now. So ahead of me.

He mumbles about how it sucks and what not. I nod.

He asks me what the whole world has been asking me, if I’ve decided where I want to go to school yet.

I do a double take.”How did you know I got in?” I ask him. “I didn’t tell you that…”

“I saw it on your snapchat story. Where you tell the whole world about your life” he says.

I laugh and tell him about how I’m trying to be Snapchat famous. Then my phone rings. Oh not now. Why. Why now.

It’s Kam. My event planner. I don’t like my event planners, they rely on me for everything.  Kam tells me about the 100 things I need to get done and how he needs my help with paperwork. I tell him he needs to give me time because it was almost midnight and “I won’t be here tomorrow”. And I also hint to him that I can’t talk to him at the moment because *ahem* I was enjoying my walk with player. But he doesn’t take the hint. I sigh. How do all these women politicians handle it. Finally we hang up.

“Sorry” I tell player.

“You’re so popular!” he says. I look at him and laugh. Yea no.

When we finally reach my place, Player stops. “Okay so it was nice walking you home…”

I give him a look. “So you don’t want to talk?” I ask getting close. Oh I will regret thisimages123 later. Player shrugs, “Yea. We can just catch up”. I smile. Why am I doing this. Player just had a 14 hour day and I have to be at 4 in the morning the next day for my flight. I have no self-control.

But we agree that we do want to talk. All my roommates are sleeping (especially the one who is a very light sleeper) so I tell him we have to quiet.

“So where you going tomorrow?” Player whispers once we’re settled.

“Boston” I whisper looking down.

Player asks me about all the schools I got into and where I would want to go if money and stuff didn’t matter.

“BU” I whisper smiling. “But I’ve already got like a $100,000 in debt and that’s already hard enough” I say sadly.

“Me too” he says. “But we’re life long learners” he says comforting me.

We smile at each other. I cross my arms and look down.

As our casual small talk winds down, player finally addresses what I’ve been wondering about.

“So…I thought about everything I said last time. And I just wanted to say. I didn’t mean it” he whispers.

My eyes widen. What. No way. He didn’t mean to say that I was a “joke”to him…He didn’t mean to say that I was only a “booty call”…He didn’t mean to say that a girl from his class texted him while we were hanging out and he likes her?

No way. How could someone make up something like that.

“Do you forgive me?” he says looking at me.

I nod. Only because I’m leaving soon and we still haven’t had the great year I pictured. I tell him.

“What is happening? This was supposed to be our year. But all we do is fight and make up” I whisper.

We continue standing close to each other. Player doesn’t say anything.

“I’m leaving in June (or August) and I’m not coming back” I say.

“Wow. Now you’re making me really sad” he says.

“It’s the truth. I have to leave this place” I say.

“Why? Because of all the heartache?” Player asks. I look at him. How does he know these things. I nod.

“But you’re like a woman. You can handle these things!” Player says. I laugh. He’s just so weird and funny sometimes.

“Okay. So I’ll leave now. But I can see you before you leave right?” he says gathering his stuff randomly.

Wait what. Where is he going? I know he doesn’t want to leave…

“Do you really want to leave?” I say looking at him.

He looks at me back. “No” he says. Finally, he hugs me and I hug him.

And finally we are so close. Close as we’ll ever be. “I’m sorry this wasn’t our year” he whispers.

I look at him and smile sadly.

“Wait” I whisper in his ear.

“What?” he asks smiling.

“That’s what you texted me. You ignore me for a month and don’t even look at me at the meeting. And then you end up here” I say caressing his beard.

“Because you’re an addiction” he says getting close to me.

My eyes widen. Praise. God. Finally, he has admitted it.

I turn to him.

“You’re an addiction too”.

Sometimes I wonder if player and I purposely fight so we can make up. Because it is so nice when we make up.

xoxo. S.

 

Wait.

All of the end of  college celebrations have began for all the organizations I have been apart of here at school. The first one was this Thursday. For that one player and I are in together.

It was all going great until I got back a note I wrote to myself two years ago. A question asked, “What is a mistake you made this past year and learned from?”

I had written….Pumpkin Pies.

I squinted my eyes. “What on earth could that possible mean?” My heart raced when I realized.

“Prince Player”. Oh hell. I remembered. I took his initials and made a wacky phrase just in case someone ever read that letter- I didn’t want anyone to know what (or in this case) who it was!

It made me sad. I don’t really consider player a mistake. Well sometimes. I don’t know really. I don’t have time to think about it because pretty soon- I’m face to face with him.

He ignores me. And ignores me. I’m so crushed. He doesn’t even make eye contact with me. So I walk away and mingle with friends, excited to go to Boston the next morning for my interview.

In the middle my phone is blowing up with texts from my executive board. I just had a planning meeting with them for our own end of the year celebration and I really don’t want to deal.

I had been feeling sick to my stomach all day and had a headache since the meetings began. I cheated a lot and ate so much gluten this week so I think that’s why. But it could have also been nerves for my interview in Boston.

As I get water to calm my sickness, the student of my student’s student (yea we have a generation going on here) comes up and asks me if I’m Shahz. I say yes. “I’M THE NEW MOMMA DUCK!” she says. I smile proudly. I hug her, “Congratulations and welcome to my family.”

Remember I said I TA’d the class required for my scholarship and my students felt like ducklings to me so I called myself Mama Duck? Yea…this one is taking over my role. And it made me so proud that an enthusiastic and compassionate woman like me is doing it<3 I tell her we will have to get coffee sometime since I really feel unwell at the moment. She agrees and I go to get more water.

I see player, but he ignores me again. I debate saying something when the volunteer coordinator for my service group stops me. “Oh hey. You look pretty! Don’t see you ever dressed up like that in front of the kids” she says nudging me.

I laugh. Seriously. I will miss all these people.

As soon as this meeting ends, I don’t even think about “Prince Player” and scramble out the door. It is so cold outside. I guess that’s how May in Chicago is. As I walk, I think about how this is the last meeting for mine and “Prince Player’s” organization…and I don’t have him to walk me home. I get sad. But I quickly shrug and remind myself about how I have to be in Boston early in the morning and how sick if I feel and I should rest up.

And then I reach the corner to turn to my apartment, and it really hits me that I don’t have player to walk me. Since freshmen year, he has always me most of the time and hung out index.jpgwith me. And this year- he walked me and hung out with me EVERY single time. I sigh. Damn, this was sad. But then I remember everything he said. And I turn to walk.

When all of a sudden. I get a text. I expect it to be someone on my board. My jaw drops when I see the name on my screen. Prince. Player.

“Wait”.

No way. It can’t be.

I turn back.

There he is.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

One Month

And just like that, I have reached my last month of college. Holy shit. Where did my college experience go?!?

And yet. I still haven’t patched things up with player. “Heart” avoids me like I’m a drug. I still haven’t chose someone to take over my President role. And most importantly- I haven’t decided which grad school I want to go to!!!

My heart is telling me Boston. But is it worth…the debt :0

As I debate about it in my head earlier this week, I briefly chatted with player. I’m not joking.

“You did what?” Mr. Photography asks before class the next morning.

I roll my eyes. I responded to something player posted on ahem…our favorite way of communication…Snapchat.

And he responded back. “You’re always pretty. I’m jealous”.

I laugh to myself. And laugh. And laugh.

11348101_1201868809830282_587969285_nAnd tell him to shut up.

As much as I miss him saying it.

I am not. falling. for. that. again.

“Yes. They’re back at it” Sidekick says as if he won the lottery.

“Shhh he says that to every girl” I say patting him on the back.

“Yea” Mr. Photography dude says glaring at him. Then back at me.”How’s Heart?”

I smile. And smirk. It’s so weird. I have bumped into “Heart” several times this week! And each time, he smiles at me and looks away. God does he not know how crazy that drives me??? Oh I have so many things to tell him- but so many reasons not to.

“Heart never called me pretty. He would call me like cute or hot or beautiful” I tell them.

Mr. Photography dude laughs. “What is that not good enough for you? I know lots of guys that say you’re pretty. What makes player saying it so special?” he asks.

I whip my hair almost smacking him in the face. “He actually means it” I say.

“Oh is that so?” he asks pushing my hair back to the front.

I suck in my cheeks. “No. But it meant something to me” I say.

I don’t know why all the things up in the air just won’t come down already.

“I stopped eating dessert” I tell my Dad on the phone about how I’m saving up for Boston. I was spending way too much money on Cheetos and Chocolate anyways.

“Uh hun, I don’t think you need to do that. I mean I guess it’s good on a health standpoint. But I told you not to worry about the money. You get a full time job, your mother and I will help you with the rest” he says over the phone.

“Aw. See. Now that’s your dad I know” Mr. Photography dude says.

I smile. Yes. Sometimes my dad can be really awesome. Which is why I don’t want to move to Boston and be 5 hours away from him.

I have booked tickets to fly in and visit tomorrow so it will be a trial run on what I will experience next year if I chose this option :0

Oh I just can’t imagine what things will be like in one month. I really hope I have this all sorted out by graduation day.

xoxo. S.

Distance

Sometimes I wish, you could be somewhere, and arrive somewhere far way within seconds. Instead of being 3 hours of a plane ride away…

I feel like this on holidays such as today- Mother’s Day. I saw so many people out and about with their moms today. So many pictures on Facebook of what everyone was doing. And here I was, FaceTiming with my mom. I did get to celebrate with her last week when I was in town…but it’s not the same as doing it the day of.

“We missed you today Shahz….” my mom said. My brother was able to fly in and visit her today and took her to brunch, and later- shopping.

My mom’s not really into “material things” such as cards or chocolate. She loves seeing us and talking to us. So I try to see her whenever I can. All of you know how much she means to me, I’ve written endless posts about her and her quirky sayings. I’m not gonna do it now because I’m going to get all emotional and I’m trying to control my feelings these days. What I will say however is, my mom and are in agreement that today is just like any other day…because I celebrate her every single day. Flowers, brunch, spa dates- I shower mama with them whenever I can! She gave me life and without her I wouldn’t be here. And for that, she and all moms should always be celebrated❤

Anyways, my mom moving away totally changed the fact that I can see her whenever I wanted to. And now, I have a choice- I can move to Texas and go to a nice grad school near her, or I can move to Boston and go to one of the best grad schools in the country…. 4 hours away from her.

What. will. I. do.

If I go to Boston, Mama will be mad that I’m away from her.

But hell, if I don’t go to Boston, Mama will be mad that I let the best thing that ever happen to me slip through my fingers.

I swear aside from time, distance is my biggest enemy.

Either way, I know one thing for sure, in one month (unless I get a summer job), I will be leaving Chicago- for good.

This week I thought a lot about “Prince Player” and “Heart”. I thought this would be the year for me and player, I was so ready to make this year the best year of our long friendship.

And “Heart”. Just as I was wondering how player and I haven’t talking in a month, and I haven’t hung out with “Heart” in 4 months…I saw him. As I was walking late to class the very next day.

It was just me and him on a very empty street. My heart stops and I pretend I don’t notice him. But he makes it clear he notices me. He instantly smiles and waves at me. I swallow. How does he do it. How does he still look as amazing as he did the night I first met him?

He walks away. Wait what. No. What is he doing?? I haven’t seen him in 4 months, and talked to him in god knows when.

“Heart!!!!!” I call after him. “Stop. Don’t go!” I let him walk away once. But not now. I run after him.

He smiles and comes back. “How are you?” he asks.

3b06d2f940893f95dfd8e95fdda37d9aI can’t even speak. We hug. I felt like all the broken pieces of me suddenly came back together.

I pull myself off of him. Tell him about Boston. Tell him about Boston my gut tells me. But I don’t. “Good, I’m so late to class” I say smiling my best smile. He tells me to go and we separate.

I get that we’re not tight any more. And that I may hate him. But honestly, part of me will always love him. Because he was the only person that loved me, when I wasn’t so lovable.

I hate distance. If there was no distance, it would be easier telling people goodbye. Or see ya later.

xoxo. S.

The Most Scariest Plane Ride (A Weekend of Adventures)

All of a sudden, I saw everyone grip forward and grab their seats with  two hands. They screamed, I screamed. They cried, I cried. I heard someone yell, “Oh shit!” and I swear to god I thought it was a nightmare.

But no. It was 100% real. Holy shit. As I grabbed the young dude next to me all I could think was-Mommy. Daddy. My brother. Z. Mr. Photography dude. Sidekick. Heart. Prince Player. Harris. My readers. I should have told my mom “I love you” before I left. I should have gave my dad one more kiss when I said “see ya later” to him at 3 in the morning when he was sleeping and I had to leave for my flight. I should have wished “Z” a happy birthday before I got on the plane instead of waiting until I got back. I should have told “Heart” that even though we’re not close now, I will forever be grateful for the love he gave me. I should have told “Prince Player” that- well I don’t know what the hell I should have told him but I’m grateful for whatever we had too. And hell. Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick, I should have told them how lucky I was to have them in my life!!!

But finally. After what seemed like the longest 30 seconds of my life, the plane stopped jumping back and forth and we made a safe landing. But in St. Louis….Jesus.

One of my good blogger friends Paul always says that my life is like a novel or movie. Tell me about it. There is never a dull moment in my life it seems.

I was flying back to Chicago today after my grad school tours in Colorado and Texas. It was a fun tour I ruled out Colorado because for some reason, it didn’t really feel like a good fit for me anymore. I went to see the Texas school with my parents and although I surprisingly liked it…they seemed to have changed their minds :0 They both suddenly realized that BU has a better program and they want me to get the best education I can. Even though it is more expensive and far away from them. My dad said as long as I find a job, he will let me go there. So, I’m going to take a visit up there soon and see for myself.

So after touring and resting in the beautiful weather, I was excited to come back to Chicago. It is a very busy week for me with events for my club, scholarship, and a Psychology conference. I kissed my dad goodbye and he planted me with a sleepy kiss and told me to take care of myself. My mom took me to the airport and she told me to relax for a bit since I finally have options and we kissed each others cheeks.

I happily went to my gate, got on the plane, and like most passengers- went to sleep (it was a 6am flight). About 2 hours later, I wake up to a very loud panicked pilot’s voice.

“PASSENGERS. WE NEED TO MAKE AN EMERGENCY LANDING”.

As the plane kind of ducks down, I hear everyone gasp and I almost start crying. And then the plane makes a really loud scary sound and did what I said earlier :0 And that is when I hung onto the dude next me and everything happened in a heart beat. It was so serious (as I mentioned earlier) that I was just waiting for those oxygen masks to fall. But at last, it ended and we were down in no time.

Right before we land, I see everyone pulling their phones out already to contact their loved ones. I do the same. My mom. Brother. And Mr. Photography dude. I’d tell “Z”, but it’s her birthday and I didn’t wanna ruin it. I don’t tell my dad because I know he’ll freak.

The pilot announces that we are in St. Louis and we had to land because a passenger was losing consciousness. I thought that was fine because…hello…as a future healthcare professional we’ve got to save lives. So the paramedics come and gather the passenger up immediately.

An hour later, as we are still in shock and still sitting on the plane- some passengers still puking from the turbulence or whatever it was, the pilot announces that something happened to the plane during the unexpected turbulence, and a mechanic has to fix it :0 And since we were in the middle of no where, on some random runway, we could not go to the St. Louis airport and relax there.

The flight attendants sympathetically brought out cookies and water. We were stuck in the airplane for 6 hours and most of us didn’t have breakfast. As the hours flew by, I made friends with the dudes next to me and thanked them for letting me grab on to them. They laughed and said it’s okay and we all reminisced about how happy we are to be okay.

My mom calls in between. “You okay?” she asks. I know she means emotionally, and not physically. This is not the best situation to put an anxiety/ADHD patient in.

I smile. “Yea I’m fine. Was just shooken up. Need some fresh air”.

Then it was Mr. Photography dude. “Oh my god! What the fuck! Are you okay? I’m cancelling the meeting tonight!” he says.

I laugh and tell him the same thing I told my mom. “I’m really happy you’re okay” he says. I smile. Me too.

Finally, after the plane takes off to Chicago, I try to sleep for the 35 minutes I have. I land in Chicago 10 minutes before my class is supposed to start. I sigh. I was supposed to land hours ago and was going to use that time to catch up on my sleep before class. But I smile because, all the passengers on my flight were safe and we were able to rescue that person who was sick.

I go straight to class from the airport and keep yawning the entire time. I pass out as soon as I get back. When I have slept the crazy day off, I call my dad.

“I heard you had an adventure today Shahz…”

I laugh. Count on my dad to bring out the humor in this situation.

xoxo. S.

 

Hard Choices

I’m really starting to dislike Mondays and Tuesdays. On Mondays and Tuesdays, I get irritated. Because I get news. News that tops other good news. News that makes my choice poll bigger.

Yesterday, I found out, I got accepted into the teaching organization- to teach elementary school science, in Miami!!! But then, at the same time, I found out I got a SCHOLARSHIP to BU!

2 dreams came true. I can only pursue one.

13092001_807095096092995_5077486765736947447_nOh my lord. I haven’t even gone up to see the other schools I got into yet. Everything is happening so fast. I’m heading out to Colorado and Texas late tomorrow night for my mini-grad school tour. If I had known about Boston when I booked those tickets, I would have headed up there too.

My parents are still on the Texas A and M front.

Right now, I’m starting to panic if grad school is for me. Getting an MPH is no easy matter. Especially if I go somewhere like BU.

But I slowly realize, I must get my MPH. It is hard to find a job in healthcare/academia with only a BS these days.

I stopped talking to Harris. Clearly, he didn’t mean it when he said he liked me and he could help show me how my play ends- because he hasn’t said a word to me since. I’m also upset with him for leaving me alone to be President and VP all at once. I think he has an ulterior motive, like he’s trying to get back at “Heart” or something. Or he’s trying to distance me from “Heart”. He has something up his sleeve- and I’ve got no time for any more games!

Hard choices.

xoxo. S.