My hilarious screenplay, midterms, a few tears, boys, and other weekly musings!

I had a dream this week that I opened up my own Empanada store. Oy ve why won’t “Prince Player” leave me alone in my dreams! Anyways, I knew my week would not be so exciting when I found out my Epidemiology midterm score…And the next day, I was called a “thot”. It’s like middle school all over again.

I called my parents as I do daily. My dad could hear the depression in my silence, “It’s okay hun. You only have like a month left of school and then in a year…you’ll be done with all of it!” As much as my dad and I disagree, it was nice of him to say this.

I woke up yesterday with a little bit more positive energy. I got my other Health midterm score back and I had done really well! So Epidemiology was the only midterm I did bad on. It’s bad, but I had originally thought I was doing bad in two classes this quarter. So it is a relief.

We have began reading our screenplays in my screenwriting class. I suggest you refer to Plot Twist (literally!) if you don’t know what I am talking about. Our professor asked us to present our screenplays one by one. We would give a summary, and then students would volunteer to act it out. I went last.

“So…my screenplay is about this girl that can’t decide between two men in her life.” Class laughs.

Professor starts choosing people to be in my screenplay.

She casted this really snooty girl to play my character. I roll my eyes to myself.

She casts the hottest guy in class to play “Prince Player”. Yes good choice professor.

She casts this really sweet boy to play “Heart”. Again, very good choice professor.

She casts the bad boy in class to play “Heart’s” co-worker. Great choice.

And then she chooses the best actor in class to play fairygodmother. Again good choice.

All of them did a great job and read my screenplay exactly the way I wanted it to be read! My classmates were laughing throughout the whole thing and told me they loved it. After their comments, the professor asked if any of them have advice for me.

One guy raises his hand, “So…this main character. Is she seeing both of these guys at the same time? Or is one of them her sidepiece?”

Oh my. Um gee, Shahz….what do you think?

I give it my best. “Well…so the player is her former lover. And the other guy is her new lover.”

Everyone nods. And the guy playing “Prince Player” lights up, “I say there needs to be a huge plot twist! A third guy should get involved and the girl should choose him!” The class erupts in laughter.

I am trying to hold in my laughter, if only they knew how real this screenplay was.

The professor laughs and responds, “I like it!” Then, the guy playing “Prince Player” light’s up again. “Or hey! She should keep the play just as it as and portray the player as her sidepiece!”

Oh lord. The class erupts into laughter.

So does the professor. She really is trying to control her laughter “I mean this is a screenplay! Anything could happen!”

Oh really now Professor? What about in real life :p I’m glad my classmates think my life is funny.

Anyways, so the ending to my week has been great.

Today, as I was walking home from a meeting and my annoying Spinning class, I see “Prince Player” on the other side of the street. Crap. I need to talk to him. He hasn’t communicated with me since…well…since our last interaction. I call out his name. He doesn’t hear me. I try again. He sees me. He says hi, right when I think he’s just gonna walk away- he starts looking to cross the street. Eep! He was actually coming to talk to me? I pray he doesn’t get hit by a car and wait for him to reach my side.

Right when he gets to me, I see a few girls from mine and “Heart’s” community. And my best friend. Shit. Me talking to a guy that’s not “Heart”? Uh oh. That won’t look right. Rumors spread like wildfire in our community. I tell player the situation, he asks me if I want him to leave. No, heck no. I make him stay. We briefly chat and then they reach us.

Two of the girls say hi to me.

“Hi guys!” I respond.

“You look so cute!” one of them says.

I smile. I hope I said “thank you”. But I don’t remember because, well I was flustered by the fact that player was standing in front of me and my best friend didn’t say a word to me and just kept on walking with them! Whatever I have bigger things to worry about.

I turn back to player. “You’re so fake” he says. What the heck… I truly hope I did not come off that way.

“Did you see what just happened? That girl (my bff) didn’t say hi to me!” I say.

He makes a comment and we begin talking.

He says he was on his way to pick up his ticket for the concert our school is having. He asks if I will be at the concert, I say “No I will be out of town”. He asks if I’m going home. I say yes on account of it’s Memorial Day weekend and I need to make it to my parents Memorial Day bash and they will talk to me about us relocating again. Right when he asks if he knows where we will be moving to, I blurt out “Texas”. Oh my. I haven’t even told “Heart”. I’ve barely told anyone! Well that shows how unhappy I am about it….

i don't miss youAnyways, I ask him if he’s alright considering our interaction last time. He says yes. I ask him again. He says yes. I ask him one more time. He says yes. I just don’t believe him.

“I feel like I did something I shouldn’t have” I say.

“No…I feel like I did something I shouldn’t have” he says.

Oh god. Why does he always say the same things I say?

And then. He leaves me. All confused. But I’m laughing as we walk our separate ways. I enjoy our friendship. And miss the good times we had.

xoxo. S.

Disappointed, distracted, and a whole lot of other things that start with dis-

“Oh my god! Mike! Why haven’t we hung out in so long?!” The petite freshman wraps her arms around a guy.

I smile to myself as I continue waiting line to get my dinner. I know that situation so well. I remember talking to “Prince Player” like that. And him having the same response as the guy she hugs- “Here’s the thing. Well there is nothing. I’ve just been busy!”

I shake my head and continue smiling. But I shake the thought out of my head when I realize I am distracting myself from what just happened in night class. I got the result for my midterm. I had other midterms but this was my hardest one. I am disappointed to say the least.

And the sad part is, I am disappointed in nothing but myself. I did this to myself. I haven’t done this poorly in an exam for a while now.

It’s one thing when I have worked so hard and studied so hard and then did bad on the exam. That is a disappointment.

But that’s not what happened for this exam.

I could have worked harder. I could have studied harder.

But I didn’t. I let myself become distracted by “Heart”, my job, and all of my performances. And that is the biggest disappointment of all. Knowing that if I had just studied an extra hour, maybe I wouldn’t have done so poorly. If I didn’t talk to “Heart” the day before, I would have done better. If I didn’t attend my three hour work meeting the day before, I would have done better. If I wasn’t spending so much time practicing for my 4 shows this qtumblr_msrkq7mqy21rpu8e5o1_400uarter, I would have done better.

Better. Better. Better.

It’s comforting to know that all the students sitting around me got almost the same score I did. But disappointing to know what I could have and should have done.

Whatever it is. I can’t give up now! I have made it this far…

xoxo. S.

Things I Wish I Could Tell My Mom

1.) I’m proud of her. I should tell her more often.

2.) I have (more like HAD) a boyfriend. I know I’m not allowed to be dating…but. He saved me from a lot of disasters. He makes my whole world light up and inspires me. I wish I could tell her.

3.) That one time she asked me what was wrong as I walked around the house teary eyed and told her “nothing”, it was because I had found out my first college crush hooked up with one of my good friends. I didn’t think she would understand :( I wish I would have told her.

4.) When I was 14 and missed 1/5 of the school days because I was “sick”, I wasn’t really sick. My body was traumatized from the assault I suffered and I didn’t want to face the boy who did it to me. I wish I would have told her.

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5.) Most of the people that came into my life be it friends, men, or family…always left. She’s the  only one that really ever stayed. I wish I could tell her.

6.) I often wonder to myself if I could be half as good as a mother as she is. And I pray that I will be, all the time. I wish I could tell her.

But maybe, she already knows <3 After all, she is a mom. Happy Mother’s Day!

xoxo. S.

He Can’t Be Serious…

I always thought “Heart” and I had that Jordin Sparks, Jason Derulo relationship. Of course, they broke up. And “Heart” has broken up with me several times.

I like you.

Someone logged in and said that, not me! So sorry to bother!

That was the message I received from him on Sunday. The day after my big event and me seeing “Prince Player”. I was doing well on Sunday, seeing “Prhot n coldince Player” on Saturday made me really happy. Even if player wasn’t happy, I was happy. Even though he still didn’t want to be anything beyond friends, I was happy.

And then this message from “Heart” on Facebook. What on earth…I thought to myself. I message him back saying “lol no worries”. I don’t think anything of it. I’m still pissed off at him for the way he dumped me like trash two weeks ago.

Monday arrives and midterms pile on up. My anxiety comes back and I have crazy dreams of a man chasing me with a knife! As if that’s not enough, I go back to sleep and have a dream of “Prince Player” with another girl. In the dream, I go confront them and I try to attack the girl- but she attacks me back and she ends up winning. Oy ve.

My heart is pounding. I shake the thoughts out of my head. I log onto Facebook. I see a notification informing me a message. I wonder who it could be from.

I’ll be damned. It’s from “Heart”.

I apologize!

What does he want from me? I already told him it was okay! I respond…

I said no worries lol

He responds saying he’s still sorry. He asks me how midterms are going. He says he is working on some stuff for his Sophomore Seminar class. I took that exact class last year. I even TA’d with the professor. He asks if he can look at one of my homework assignments. This is what I say.

Fuck you. You can’t take my heart and my homework too!

Power to me <3 He responds by saying “ouch” and that he didn’t mean to hurt me. He asks if he can come see me and talk. Uh oh. I want to know what he could possibly have to say after the way he treated me, so I agree. He gives me back his number (the one he had me delete) and tells me he will be over in 5.

5 minutes later, he’s standing in my apartment. I cross my arms and lift up my chin.

“So” I say.

He pulls out a chair and sits. He fold his hands. “So.”

I snap. “Who the hell are you to text me at 1am saying ‘IT’S TIME’. Who breaks up with someone like that?!?”

He fidgets. “Okay look. I never meant to hurt you. It’s just, I had a really long day that night-”

“Yup, here we go again” I roll my eyes.

“Look. From the beginning I said you can’t have feelings for me. And you got feelings. So I had to go!” he says.

I stand up and look him in the eye, “It’s un-human like to not have feelings. Don’t tell me how to act!”

His jaw is on the floor. He’s probably thinking the same exact thing I’m thinking- Where did this new badass Shahz come from? ;)

Then I demand to know why he keeps treating me like a child. “How dare you text me saying ‘you’re not young! take this as a life lesson.’ ?”

“The way you act sometimes is very childish-”

What did he just say to me? I wail and turn my back to him.

He pulls me back. “Hey Shahz. Stop. No. That’s not what I meant! But we’re grown, you have to understand we can’t have feelings for each other.”

He tries to pull me into his chest, but I push him away. I ask him why he’s back. He says he thought he didn’t have feelings for me, but times like this, where he’s with me- all those feelings he once had comes back. He even said he messaged me about the homework just so he could come see me.

What. He thinks I act like a child? No, it’s definitely him.

How does he think it is okay to dump me like trash, and then come back acting like it never happened?

He can’t be serious…

xoxo. S.

Plot Twist (literally)

“So..let me get this straight. You’re going to change your entire screenplay because Heart dumped you?”

I rest my face in my hands and smile. And I nod.

“You have serious problems” Mr. Photography dude says getting back to his new project.

I shrug and do the same.

My “Intro to Screenwriting” class is my favorite class this quarter. Every week we develop new scenes in the hope of having a final screenplay at the end of the quarter. I had just finished up my whole screenplay a while ago. Side note: If you don’t figure it out sooner or later, this screenplay is obviously real. The characters are myself, “Heart”, and player. It went like this: There is a girl who is in love with a guy, but he always keeps her waiting and never stops reminding her of how forbidden their relationship is.  So one day, she decides to meet one of her former lover’s for coffee when she suddenly slips of a coffee spill and her “fairy-godmother” appears and takes her back in time to when her former lover got with one of her good friends when she needed him the most. Then she is taken into a scene where she is crying and her current lover is beside her, comforting her for hours. So in the end, she leaves the coffee shop- she knows a relationship with her current lover will be difficult, but worth it. There is a flash-forward to them having a family together.

BACK TO REALITY:

plot twistWell sadly. “Heart” dumped me two days later. And that will never happen. So, PLOT TWIST!

“I can change my screenplay if I want to! My mama always told me that when something unexpected happens- I should yell plot twist and get a move on!” I say to Mr. Photography dude furiously typing out a new plot for my screenplay.

“Okay no. She didn’t mean literally!” he says.

“Doesn’t matter! I’m not writing a play about something that isn’t going to happen!” I say.

So I come back home and I am ready to write my new screenplay about how I decide (or rather my imaginary character decides she will be okay living life as a single woman and doesn’t choose either men at the end). Because hello, “Prince Player” also made it very clear to me this weekend that he only sees me as a friend. When all of a sudden, I get a message from “Heart” on Facebook. He wants to come see me.

Holy. Moly. I text Mr. Photography dude.

“Plot twist!” he texts back.

You could say that again.

xoxo. S.

The Best Of Me

When I came back to school on Monday, everyone was commending me on my play. I was proud of myself. My performance has set me free and I no longer have a panic attack when I hear the word “assault”. Unfortunately, Monday came with a hurdle- I had to politely decline the admission to the combined Bachelor’s/Master’s program at my school. It broke my heart, but I realized two things 1) I can’t afford it 2) I don’t want to stay here an extra year- I am ready to fly away and discover myself in a new place.

As if this hasn’t been enough, it has been a very crazy week with the start of midterms and of course…my job! Yesterday was the big event that I was assistant coordinator for. I think I worked over 50 hours this week. I am exhausted to say the least. Surprisingly, I had been feeling fine about the “Heart” break up. I was amused by how happy I was this week and how little I thought of him. It could be because I was occupied with all of this work.

At the event yesterday, I spotted “Prince Player”. I had to go talk to him. I hate that I am always working when I see him. I decide to put work aside for 5 minutes, we are entering our last year of talk to himcollege and we need to make things right. I go talk to him. About how we should find time to talk. Obviously not then because I was working. He is very hesitant and keeps trying to leave me. I don’t let him and he says we’ll talk next weekend. Oh heck no, I know him very well, the longer he is away from me-the more he thinks to himself and avoids me even longer! I tell him to come later, after I am done with work. He agrees. I wonder to myself how long it will take him to send me an “I’m not coming” text.

It’s probably less than half an hour when I get the text about how he won’t be coming over because he knows I just got broken up with and he doesn’t want to use me as he is trying to become a better person. I roll my eyes all the way to the ceiling.

When I get home 3 hours later, and am just about ready to take a nap after my 12 hour day, I get another text from him. He will be coming over after all. Wonderful. I quickly check my hair and makeup. Both messy. I decide not to fix either. If I know him as well as I think I do, he won’t be staying long anyway. And then I panic and wonder to myself at which point he will say “I feel bad. I shouldn’t have come over”. I bite into a kitkat and nervously chew, wiping my fingers on my bed sheets without thinking. Great. Chocolate everywhere.  Hopefully, he doesn’t see it.

When he gets here, I finally get to talk to him about all of the things I wanted to talk to him about. I finally find out the information from him that I want to know…and of course some information I didn’t want to know. He has some questions for me too. It is nice of him to care about this terrible break-up between me and “Heart”. He asks me if I have been talking to all of my ex’s as that is “a habit I have when a boyfriend breaks up with me”. Then I get sad. Very very sad. Because as I told him, “No. None of them can replace what he has given me”. Player makes a comment about how that is “precious”. I laugh. We discuss our relationship. How it will end soon as we are entering our last year.

And so I finally tell him how I have been feeling about our last conversation, “I don’t want to be remembered as the girl you hurt” I say.

“But you are…” he respond.

“But I don’t think of you like that. (How can I anyways?  I never hurt him!) I will remember you as the guy that made me stronger than I thought I was” I say.

“That was my goal all along!” he says.

We both stare at each other. And laugh. It’s funny. Hilarious. He was joking of course.

And then after awhile, he says, “You just…. saw the best in me.”

I smile to myself. It’s a gift. I see the best in everyone.

He barely stays an hour and says “I feel bad. I shouldn’t have come”. What did I tell you reader? He says he has to go, but I’m not upset. He asks me about a million times if I am and I say no. I was telling him the truth. “I mean. All the men in my life just kind of come and leave me very quickly. So yea. No. I’m used to it.” I meant to say “no”, but…that’s what came out. Oops. Anyways, he’s hurt that I compared him to the all the other men in my life, I can see it. At this point, he sits down and tells me what has been going on in his life lately. I felt bad, because, I’ve been there. It seems he is going through the same exact hardships I am going through (or sadly, already went through). I process what he has told me and sit still. How does he not see we are more similar than different?

He’s upset. I can tell. I’m upset that he’s upset.

“If you’re upset, tell me you’re upset! I just wish you would tell me when you were upset!” I give him a half smile. He still thinks I’m upset about him leaving so soon. I  assure him (again) that I am not upset. For heavens sake, I was actually happy that he even came to see me and I finally got to catch up with him! So he finally believes me and we say our goodbyes. I tell him to text me if he wants to talk and he says he will. I’m alright. But as soon as he left, I shut the door behind me and was left with tears in my eyes. I was happy to see him…why was I suddenly crying? I shut my eyes to go back to sleep and I realize why. I may see the best in everyone, but there are few people who see the best in me. And the one that saw the most best in me? “Heart”. I lost the best in me after the “Prince Player” scandal and everything that went wrong my freshman year. But “Heart” brought it back. The best of me <3

A Very Busy Week: In My First College Play (Part 2)

My show was yesterday and today.

No one knows a lot about what I have been through as a woman, except “Heart” and my family. And this show, was going to show it. When I got on stage yesterday, I knew I was nervous. My legs would not stop shaking. But still I kept calm during my lines and remembered it all. Everyone clapped. I was done! :) We were asked to wear a ribbon symbolizing our experience.

A black ribbon if we identify as someone who supports the assault movement.

A white ribbon if we identify as someone who has a loved one affected by domestic violence.

A teal ribbon if we identify as a sexual assault survivor.

I should have worn them all. But. I stuck with the black and white. I’m brave enough to talk about those two. Not ready for the other one yet. But, I was amused by how many women were wearing the teal ribbon. I realized I was not alone. I came home with a desire to cry my eyes out. I am greeted by my roommate.

“Hey! How was your play? It was good? Good! I wanted to come but I decided I can’t stand to listen to stories about rape.”

Nice. Okay. It’s not all about rape, but alright I will let you slide.

And then she dares to ask, “Is it okay if my boyfriend comes over?”

Is she kidding right now. Can she go one day without seeing him? I am exhausted and need space! This time. I decide to show it.

“Yes” I say raising my eyebrows.

“Are you sure?” she asks.

I shrug “I’m really tired as you can imagine. And I just want to rest.”

I’m thinking she will say they will go to his place, but she says, “Okay we’ll keep it down.”

Good grief. I mutter “great” and go off into my bedroom. She just won’t get it. I shut the door and cry to myself. This was probably the most empowering theater production I was in. And I had to do it all over again…today.

Today.

I wake up from a dream about me and “Prince Player”. I’m sweating. Oooo I need to shake it off, now is not the right time.

Today, my brother was coming. My sweet, caring, kind brother. A softie. Will this piece that is practically about our childhood set him free like it did to me? Will it give him a tiny sense of PTSD like it did to me?

I panic. I take a selfie of myself and I text it to my mom, “I dedicate today’s performance to you”. She responds that she is crying tears of joy.

I continue panicking in the balcony for actors, I saw him in the auditorium. Him and his girlfriend. They smiled at me. He had a big bouquet of flowers in his hand and she had a sign that said “We are so proud of you Shahz!”

she sttod in the stormI lost it. I lost it so bad. My mom and dad could not be here because of there distance from me, but my busy brother and girlfriend came? And they brought me these presents? Oh my god. I asked a few of the castmates for a hug. I was freaking out. I went to the bathroom and cried into toilet paper. And then, it was showtime.

I avoided eye contact with my brother. I stare at the audience. I can’t do this. But wait, I owe a performance to my mom. I owe it to myself. I owe a performance for all the women affected by domestic violence and sexual assault. I realize the stage isn’t going anywhere, and I go for it.

I gave. The best performance. I have ever given!

My brother was smiling. And in the end of the play, when we all bowed, he was smiling again with his girlfriend holding the “We are so proud of you Shahz!” sign. God I was going to lose it again. And I did.

His flowers sit in a water bottle. I don’t have a vase, no one ever gives me flowers. All the men in my life, were not that nice to me. But this show…has made me so happy to be a woman. And I have finally realized, I am just fine without a man in my life :)

xoxo. S.

A Very Busy Week: In My First College Play, Work, Love, and Family

What a week. If there has been a week that I have cried the most over something besides boys or school, this was it. What a very heartwarming production I just finished- I was in the cast of “A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant, and A Prayer” as I told some of you. A show that hits way to close for me. And the stories about me that only “Heart” and my family knew. It was a very tense week.

Monday-Friday

This week, I worked over 20 hours for my assistant coordinator job. Not a lot, but hard when you are a student and in a play. I was on my way to the office on Wednesday when I bumped into “Prince Player”. I took a deep breath. I could ignore him or go talk to him. I took the latter.

“Oh look who it is!” I say.

He smiles. He says he sensed I was coming over and he was leaving. And then he said he was kidding.

“You look cute today” he says smiling.

I try not to smile. But I can’t help it.

Our interaction is rather awkward because I’m in a rush to grab my food and get to work. I need to go but I remember that I wanted to talk to him about that thing I wanted to talk to him about. I look at my watch, we have 10 minutes. So I go grab my food and sit with him. We stare at each other.

“You look cute today” he says (yes again). “You always look cute but you look extra cute today”.

Oh god. He probably says this to every girl. I need to change the subject.

“THE EMPANADAS MADE ME SICK!” I say.

Oh. My. God. Shahz. Out of all the things I could say :0

He takes it well. In fact he agrees with me. “Yea that can happen sometimes, thank you for coming to that by the way.”

He tells me these past three weeks have been rough on him. He’s a little teary eyed. I’m teary eyed with him. It’s been hard for me too. I tell him. He asks me why it has been so hard. And then I tell him a part of it.

“He dumped me” I said. He laughs and says something about “Heart” and me always being on and off. But I tell him this time I think it is for good as “Heart” has deleted my number. I try not to cry.

“Are you are you okayokay?” he asks. Oh god. Am I?

“It’s okay not to be okay…” he says after I don’t respond.

I’m silent. Every time he asks me this, I don’t know what to say. If I open my mouth, I will cry. So I continue to stare at him. And then…I talk to him.

“Last night. I read my old diary which had lots of stories about you. Because. If I could get over that…I could get over this.” I say laughing.

He laughs too and gets serious. “Yea, I hurt you more than I hurt any other girl.”

I stop smiling. He what now? PRINCE PLAYER IS ACTUALLY ADMITTING WHAT HE DID TO ME!!!! AHHHH <3<3<3

I stop laughing too. I swallow and look at him. “I think you were in my life for a reason” I say.

I don’t expect him to respond but he does. “I think you were meant to be in my life for a reason too! You showed me that I am an asshole to women!” he says.

I smile. That isn’t necessarily what I want to be remembered for, but hell, if that made him a better man- I will take it!

Time is running out and i know I have to tell him what I have been meaning to tell him. He could say no, but, it won’t hurt to ask.

So I tell him that I want to start being with him again.He says okay!!! <3

But that I can’t get any feelings. Oh god. I can’t say that I will, but why can’t I?

“Why can’t I?” I ask him.

“Because you’re not ready” he says.

What the…I give him a puzzled look.

“Okay, because I’m not ready!” he says.

Oh goodness…I give him another look.

“Okay I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying. I really have to go now” he says. Ah the usual confused player. Confusing me even more. But I need to get to work and I don’t have time to put the pieces together.

Of course. I see him the next day…and then on the next day. And of course, I was working both times. On Thursday, I was hoping to speak to him and finish our chat- but my boss announces “Shahz needs to go work with the second year students”. FABULOUS (me and player are third year). I gather my former students together and tell “Prince Player” bye very annoyed.

Friday, I see him while working and I know I won’t get a chance to talk to him. I have piles of things to do and although he stopped by, all I could do was greet him.

I get home after 5 hours of sleep the night before and standing for 9 hours straight. I realize I have another hurdle coming my way this weekend- the play!

To be continued…. :)

I’m Going to Choose Not to be a Victim

It’s been 2 and 1/2 days since “Heart” broke up with me for good. I feel like the past year of my life has been a lie. It’s like his words are tattooed onto me.

“We were never together…I never had feelings for you”

“It’s pointless, to be honest”

“Trust me. It’s better for both of us. Well at least for me. For the first time in my life im doing something for myself”

“Simply, move on. As hard as it sounds”

“We don’t connect well as I hope we can. I don’t feel the same as I used to feel. And it’s better we let go and find ourselves somewhere else”

“You treat me like I’m the only person in the world” (When I told him he treats me like I’m dumb)

Damn. That last one. Isn’t that how people want to be treated? And everything else…if he never had feelings for me, what move onwas it that we had then? He used me? I have so many questions, but I know I will never get the answers because he told me to delete his number and move on. I will never understand what I did to make him do this to me.

At least this time, he got the timing right. He didn’t do it during my midterms or my performance. Also, on Friday and yesterday, my roommates were gone. This was good. It gave me time to cry and just be alone. I was extremely busy both days with events at school, but I would randomly get sad at what happened Thursday night. I felt like someone I loved died. That’s what it felt like. Him telling me not to contact him…how else am I supposed to feel if I can never speak to him again?will and alicia

And then. I started to hate myself. I wanted to know what I possibly could have done to make him leave me. Why was he acting like I did something wrong. I didn’t, Why was he treating me so poorly? He was the one breaking up with me, not the other way around (cue the Alicia and Will GIF <3) But mostly, I wanted to know how I was blinded by him, how could I not see that he was just using me? :(

Last night, I went to tell Mr. Photography dude the news.

“You know something, this past year of my life has been a lie. The only reason why I was able to achieve all the accomplishments I did this year like make the Dean’s list, get into the Master’s program, get two jobs, get casted in a play…was because of the confidence I got from ‘Heart’. And then he tells me we never had anything. So…everything has been a lie” I told him.

He shakes his head. “No. YOU did all those things by yourself! Sure he may have been there to make you feel better, but was he the one cramming for your exams? Was he the one that wrote all those application essays? Don’t make me go on! YOU DID IT. So no! The only thing that was a lie, was him. And I’m sorry about that Sad Beauty, I am” he says treating me to a latte.

I accept his gift. He has always supported “Heart” …but I knew this is where he will draw the line (just like I did). Finally, I believe what he and everyone has been telling me, “Heart” isn’t treating me right. He never did, I shake all these thoughts out of my head, I have to get to dress rehearsal for my play.

Everybody’s monologue was amazing. I cried and laughed. Then I laughed and cried. And then, one of the last performers said something that made me re-think the way I have been feeling for the past few days…”I am not a victim. I am a survivor”.

Finally, I realized something. I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s Heart’s loss. He lost a very smart, caring, real, and beautiful woman. He will regret it one day.

So I’m going to choose not to be a victim. Even though, every man in my life has hurt me, and this one that I thought was the most genuine man to ever walk into my life completely used me, I’m going to choose not to be a victim.

I will update you all on how I’m doing :) It hurts me that I will never be able to write a cute story about me and “Heart” ever again. I pray for strength to heal during this time and the courage to move on.

xoxo. S.

Hormones, first kisses, flirts…and a break up :/

“What’s your problem?” Mr. Photography dude wants to know.

I feel like a whale.

“Cramps” I say.

“Ew!” he says. “Call me when you’re off the rag and we’ll have a proper coffee session” he says grabbing his latte.

I shrug. Don’t care.

It’s been a very awful week thanks to hormones. This past weekend, “Heart” was invited to yet another conference to speak and be the main photographer. Once again, he attracted the attention of many ladies because of this and they have been flirting with him and taking him away from me all week. My body aches even more as I type this so I’m just going to stop.

So, how about the other one? We have not conversed since…empanadas. I didn’t even think about him until my roommates asked me if I wanted pizza as they were ordering pizza.

Me feeling all crampy gave in. They randomly started talking about their first kisses. I kept quiet because hello, I do not kiss and tell. But then, the one with the boyfriend leans forward and wants to know- “So what was your first kiss like?”

I put my pizza down and look at the floor. I shrug and fake it “Good”.

No it wasn’t good. It was really unwanted and I wasn’t ready for it. God, I try to forget about it.

And then, they just refuse to quit.

“What was Prince Player like?” the other roommate wants to know.

What nerve. I think to myself. I go all the way back to freshman year. We were both sweating at that moment…and I was very hormonal. I had liked him for a while, but I wasn’t sure he liked me as much. Something seemed off about him. I had experience with players and I could not trust him. I remember telling him that I was nervous (damn it I should have listened to me gut!) We talked for a while and I finally gave in. I wanted him to kiss me!  I do remember liking it. I had no regrets. But it was soon that I found out I was right to feel nervous…and he left me for other girls :(

Flash forward back to me eating pizza with my roommates. Crap. I owe them an answer.

“He was good” I say emotionless.

This conversation is way to sad for me. But then I skip to when I met “Heart” and we had our first date.

At one moment, I stared at him and he stared at me. We didn’t say a word. With all of the other people I kissed, we talked beforehand. But as I was staring at “Heart”, there was something just so right about him that I knew I was safe. He came over to me. “Hi” he said hugging me. “Hi” I whispered into his lips.  And then he kissed me. IT WAS PERFECT! I swear to god I saw stars and hearts in my mind. I wanted him to kiss me forever! THIS WAS WHAT ALL THOSE LOVE SONGS TALKED ABOUT! My childhood song “This Kiss” by Faith Hill was playing over and over again as I melted into him.

He was worth all the heartache I went through with everyone else. All the pain, suffering, everything. He was perfect.

I spent all week thinking about this conversation. And then, last night, I was just thinking to myself “Damn we haven’t talked in a while.” And just as  I turn my lights out at 1am, I get a text from him!

Him: “Remember when I told you where there would be a time when we have to end things for good?”

Me: “Yea…”

Him: “Well it’s time. I’m sorry.”

What the absolute heck :( After all these amazing flashbacks and all the nice things I have been thinking about him…That’s not what I hoped for! Who does he think he is to tell me “it’s time”?! Right when I think it’s his usual break-up with me, he sends this:

“Do me a favor and please delete my number. And throw away that picture of us. Do it for me. That’s all I ask for.”

Ouch. Triple ouch. I would rather get my legs waxed ouch.

tumblr_mbmz177orj1rhzkeeo1_500_largeI try in my last attempts to fight for him. Does he listen? No. He says he never had feelings for me and I never thought about him. WHAT THE HECK? ALL I EVER DO IS THINK ABOUT HIM!

He says this is for the best. I don’t get it. How do I go on with my life now? :(

xoxo. S.