A Very Busy Week: In My First College Play (Part 2)

My show was yesterday and today.

No one knows a lot about what I have been through as a woman, except “Heart” and my family. And this show, was going to show it. When I got on stage yesterday, I knew I was nervous. My legs would not stop shaking. But still I kept calm during my lines and remembered it all. Everyone clapped. I was done! :) We were asked to wear a ribbon symbolizing our experience.

A black ribbon if we identify as someone who supports the assault movement.

A white ribbon if we identify as someone who has a loved one affected by domestic violence.

A teal ribbon if we identify as a sexual assault survivor.

I should have worn them all. But. I stuck with the black and white. I’m brave enough to talk about those two. Not ready for the other one yet. But, I was amused by how many women were wearing the teal ribbon. I realized I was not alone. I came home with a desire to cry my eyes out. I am greeted by my roommate.

“Hey! How was your play? It was good? Good! I wanted to come but I decided I can’t stand to listen to stories about rape.”

Nice. Okay. It’s not all about rape, but alright I will let you slide.

And then she dares to ask, “Is it okay if my boyfriend comes over?”

Is she kidding right now. Can she go one day without seeing him? I am exhausted and need space! This time. I decide to show it.

“Yes” I say raising my eyebrows.

“Are you sure?” she asks.

I shrug “I’m really tired as you can imagine. And I just want to rest.”

I’m thinking she will say they will go to his place, but she says, “Okay we’ll keep it down.”

Good grief. I mutter “great” and go off into my bedroom. She just won’t get it. I shut the door and cry to myself. This was probably the most empowering theater production I was in. And I had to do it all over again…today.

Today.

I wake up from a dream about me and “Prince Player”. I’m sweating. Oooo I need to shake it off, now is not the right time.

Today, my brother was coming. My sweet, caring, kind brother. A softie. Will this piece that is practically about our childhood set him free like it did to me? Will it give him a tiny sense of PTSD like it did to me?

I panic. I take a selfie of myself and I text it to my mom, “I dedicate today’s performance to you”. She responds that she is crying tears of joy.

I continue panicking in the balcony for actors, I saw him in the auditorium. Him and his girlfriend. They smiled at me. He had a big bouquet of flowers in his hand and she had a sign that said “We are so proud of you Shahz!”

she sttod in the stormI lost it. I lost it so bad. My mom and dad could not be here because of there distance from me, but my busy brother and girlfriend came? And they brought me these presents? Oh my god. I asked a few of the castmates for a hug. I was freaking out. I went to the bathroom and cried into toilet paper. And then, it was showtime.

I avoided eye contact with my brother. I stare at the audience. I can’t do this. But wait, I owe a performance to my mom. I owe it to myself. I owe a performance for all the women affected by domestic violence and sexual assault. I realize the stage isn’t going anywhere, and I go for it.

I gave. The best performance. I have ever given!

My brother was smiling. And in the end of the play, when we all bowed, he was smiling again with his girlfriend holding the “We are so proud of you Shahz!” sign. God I was going to lose it again. And I did.

His flowers sit in a water bottle. I don’t have a vase, no one ever gives me flowers. All the men in my life, were not that nice to me. But this show…has made me so happy to be a woman. And I have finally realized, I am just fine without a man in my life :)

xoxo. S.

A Very Busy Week: In My First College Play, Work, Love, and Family

What a week. If there has been a week that I have cried the most over something besides boys or school, this was it. What a very heartwarming production I just finished- I was in the cast of “A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant, and A Prayer” as I told some of you. A show that hits way to close for me. And the stories about me that only “Heart” and my family knew. It was a very tense week.

Monday-Friday

This week, I worked over 20 hours for my assistant coordinator job. Not a lot, but hard when you are a student and in a play. I was on my way to the office on Wednesday when I bumped into “Prince Player”. I took a deep breath. I could ignore him or go talk to him. I took the latter.

“Oh look who it is!” I say.

He smiles. He says he sensed I was coming over and he was leaving. And then he said he was kidding.

“You look cute today” he says smiling.

I try not to smile. But I can’t help it.

Our interaction is rather awkward because I’m in a rush to grab my food and get to work. I need to go but I remember that I wanted to talk to him about that thing I wanted to talk to him about. I look at my watch, we have 10 minutes. So I go grab my food and sit with him. We stare at each other.

“You look cute today” he says (yes again). “You always look cute but you look extra cute today”.

Oh god. He probably says this to every girl. I need to change the subject.

“THE EMPANADAS MADE ME SICK!” I say.

Oh. My. God. Shahz. Out of all the things I could say :0

He takes it well. In fact he agrees with me. “Yea that can happen sometimes, thank you for coming to that by the way.”

He tells me these past three weeks have been rough on him. He’s a little teary eyed. I’m teary eyed with him. It’s been hard for me too. I tell him. He asks me why it has been so hard. And then I tell him a part of it.

“He dumped me” I said. He laughs and says something about “Heart” and me always being on and off. But I tell him this time I think it is for good as “Heart” has deleted my number. I try not to cry.

“Are you are you okayokay?” he asks. Oh god. Am I?

“It’s okay not to be okay…” he says after I don’t respond.

I’m silent. Every time he asks me this, I don’t know what to say. If I open my mouth, I will cry. So I continue to stare at him. And then…I talk to him.

“Last night. I read my old diary which had lots of stories about you. Because. If I could get over that…I could get over this.” I say laughing.

He laughs too and gets serious. “Yea, I hurt you more than I hurt any other girl.”

I stop smiling. He what now? PRINCE PLAYER IS ACTUALLY ADMITTING WHAT HE DID TO ME!!!! AHHHH <3<3<3

I stop laughing too. I swallow and look at him. “I think you were in my life for a reason” I say.

I don’t expect him to respond but he does. “I think you were meant to be in my life for a reason too! You showed me that I am an asshole to women!” he says.

I smile. That isn’t necessarily what I want to be remembered for, but hell, if that made him a better man- I will take it!

Time is running out and i know I have to tell him what I have been meaning to tell him. He could say no, but, it won’t hurt to ask.

So I tell him that I want to start being with him again.He says okay!!! <3

But that I can’t get any feelings. Oh god. I can’t say that I will, but why can’t I?

“Why can’t I?” I ask him.

“Because you’re not ready” he says.

What the…I give him a puzzled look.

“Okay, because I’m not ready!” he says.

Oh goodness…I give him another look.

“Okay I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying. I really have to go now” he says. Ah the usual confused player. Confusing me even more. But I need to get to work and I don’t have time to put the pieces together.

Of course. I see him the next day…and then on the next day. And of course, I was working both times. On Thursday, I was hoping to speak to him and finish our chat- but my boss announces “Shahz needs to go work with the second year students”. FABULOUS (me and player are third year). I gather my former students together and tell “Prince Player” bye very annoyed.

Friday, I see him while working and I know I won’t get a chance to talk to him. I have piles of things to do and although he stopped by, all I could do was greet him.

I get home after 5 hours of sleep the night before and standing for 9 hours straight. I realize I have another hurdle coming my way this weekend- the play!

To be continued…. :)

I’m Going to Choose Not to be a Victim

It’s been 2 and 1/2 days since “Heart” broke up with me for good. I feel like the past year of my life has been a lie. It’s like his words are tattooed onto me.

“We were never together…I never had feelings for you”

“It’s pointless, to be honest”

“Trust me. It’s better for both of us. Well at least for me. For the first time in my life im doing something for myself”

“Simply, move on. As hard as it sounds”

“We don’t connect well as I hope we can. I don’t feel the same as I used to feel. And it’s better we let go and find ourselves somewhere else”

“You treat me like I’m the only person in the world” (When I told him he treats me like I’m dumb)

Damn. That last one. Isn’t that how people want to be treated? And everything else…if he never had feelings for me, what move onwas it that we had then? He used me? I have so many questions, but I know I will never get the answers because he told me to delete his number and move on. I will never understand what I did to make him do this to me.

At least this time, he got the timing right. He didn’t do it during my midterms or my performance. Also, on Friday and yesterday, my roommates were gone. This was good. It gave me time to cry and just be alone. I was extremely busy both days with events at school, but I would randomly get sad at what happened Thursday night. I felt like someone I loved died. That’s what it felt like. Him telling me not to contact him…how else am I supposed to feel if I can never speak to him again?will and alicia

And then. I started to hate myself. I wanted to know what I possibly could have done to make him leave me. Why was he acting like I did something wrong. I didn’t, Why was he treating me so poorly? He was the one breaking up with me, not the other way around (cue the Alicia and Will GIF <3) But mostly, I wanted to know how I was blinded by him, how could I not see that he was just using me? :(

Last night, I went to tell Mr. Photography dude the news.

“You know something, this past year of my life has been a lie. The only reason why I was able to achieve all the accomplishments I did this year like make the Dean’s list, get into the Master’s program, get two jobs, get casted in a play…was because of the confidence I got from ‘Heart’. And then he tells me we never had anything. So…everything has been a lie” I told him.

He shakes his head. “No. YOU did all those things by yourself! Sure he may have been there to make you feel better, but was he the one cramming for your exams? Was he the one that wrote all those application essays? Don’t make me go on! YOU DID IT. So no! The only thing that was a lie, was him. And I’m sorry about that Sad Beauty, I am” he says treating me to a latte.

I accept his gift. He has always supported “Heart” …but I knew this is where he will draw the line (just like I did). Finally, I believe what he and everyone has been telling me, “Heart” isn’t treating me right. He never did, I shake all these thoughts out of my head, I have to get to dress rehearsal for my play.

Everybody’s monologue was amazing. I cried and laughed. Then I laughed and cried. And then, one of the last performers said something that made me re-think the way I have been feeling for the past few days…”I am not a victim. I am a survivor”.

Finally, I realized something. I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s Heart’s loss. He lost a very smart, caring, real, and beautiful woman. He will regret it one day.

So I’m going to choose not to be a victim. Even though, every man in my life has hurt me, and this one that I thought was the most genuine man to ever walk into my life completely used me, I’m going to choose not to be a victim.

I will update you all on how I’m doing :) It hurts me that I will never be able to write a cute story about me and “Heart” ever again. I pray for strength to heal during this time and the courage to move on.

xoxo. S.

Hormones, first kisses, flirts…and a break up :/

“What’s your problem?” Mr. Photography dude wants to know.

I feel like a whale.

“Cramps” I say.

“Ew!” he says. “Call me when you’re off the rag and we’ll have a proper coffee session” he says grabbing his latte.

I shrug. Don’t care.

It’s been a very awful week thanks to hormones. This past weekend, “Heart” was invited to yet another conference to speak and be the main photographer. Once again, he attracted the attention of many ladies because of this and they have been flirting with him and taking him away from me all week. My body aches even more as I type this so I’m just going to stop.

So, how about the other one? We have not conversed since…empanadas. I didn’t even think about him until my roommates asked me if I wanted pizza as they were ordering pizza.

Me feeling all crampy gave in. They randomly started talking about their first kisses. I kept quiet because hello, I do not kiss and tell. But then, the one with the boyfriend leans forward and wants to know- “So what was your first kiss like?”

I put my pizza down and look at the floor. I shrug and fake it “Good”.

No it wasn’t good. It was really unwanted and I wasn’t ready for it. God, I try to forget about it.

And then, they just refuse to quit.

“What was Prince Player like?” the other roommate wants to know.

What nerve. I think to myself. I go all the way back to freshman year. We were both sweating at that moment…and I was very hormonal. I had liked him for a while, but I wasn’t sure he liked me as much. Something seemed off about him. I had experience with players and I could not trust him. I remember telling him that I was nervous (damn it I should have listened to me gut!) We talked for a while and I finally gave in. I wanted him to kiss me!  I do remember liking it. I had no regrets. But it was soon that I found out I was right to feel nervous…and he left me for other girls :(

Flash forward back to me eating pizza with my roommates. Crap. I owe them an answer.

“He was good” I say emotionless.

This conversation is way to sad for me. But then I skip to when I met “Heart” and we had our first date.

At one moment, I stared at him and he stared at me. We didn’t say a word. With all of the other people I kissed, we talked beforehand. But as I was staring at “Heart”, there was something just so right about him that I knew I was safe. He came over to me. “Hi” he said hugging me. “Hi” I whispered into his lips.  And then he kissed me. IT WAS PERFECT! I swear to god I saw stars and hearts in my mind. I wanted him to kiss me forever! THIS WAS WHAT ALL THOSE LOVE SONGS TALKED ABOUT! My childhood song “This Kiss” by Faith Hill was playing over and over again as I melted into him.

He was worth all the heartache I went through with everyone else. All the pain, suffering, everything. He was perfect.

I spent all week thinking about this conversation. And then, last night, I was just thinking to myself “Damn we haven’t talked in a while.” And just as  I turn my lights out at 1am, I get a text from him!

Him: “Remember when I told you where there would be a time when we have to end things for good?”

Me: “Yea…”

Him: “Well it’s time. I’m sorry.”

What the absolute heck :( After all these amazing flashbacks and all the nice things I have been thinking about him…That’s not what I hoped for! Who does he think he is to tell me “it’s time”?! Right when I think it’s his usual break-up with me, he sends this:

“Do me a favor and please delete my number. And throw away that picture of us. Do it for me. That’s all I ask for.”

Ouch. Triple ouch. I would rather get my legs waxed ouch.

tumblr_mbmz177orj1rhzkeeo1_500_largeI try in my last attempts to fight for him. Does he listen? No. He says he never had feelings for me and I never thought about him. WHAT THE HECK? ALL I EVER DO IS THINK ABOUT HIM!

He says this is for the best. I don’t get it. How do I go on with my life now? :(

xoxo. S.

Mr. Photography dude vs. Mr. Film dude, “Heart” vs. his Best Friend,…and the Real Neat Blogger Award

Well then, now that my performance is over, I have gotten lots of time to relax. I am still very very very upset over the fact that “Heart” missed my show. But someone else was there…A good co-worker of mine, we’ll call him Mr. Film dude. I’m having my Sunday Starbucks with Mr. Photography dude, I ask him if he knows Mr. Film dude.

He looks up, “Yea why?”

I smile and look down.

“Oh my god. What?” he asks. I explain to him that we work together and how he left work early the other day to come watch me perform.

“Don’t.” he says.

I make a face “Don’t what?”

“Don’t get with him because he was there for you and ‘Heart’ wasn’t” he says.

“That’s not what I’m suggesting!!!” I say laughing.

“He’s one of my biggest competitions. Did you know he got a big deal to work on a film?” he says.

I do know. I was invited to see it.

“You know who else was there?” I ask.

“Who?” he asks suspiciously.

“*Harris” I say smiling.

“OH MY GOD. Don’t you dare get with ‘Heart’s best friend!” he says.

“Okay it was his idea not mine. Last year, when he dumped me- he told me I should go for Harris. And I was never interested in him because I was so infatuated with ‘Heart’. But that night, he was there for me unlike ‘Heart’. It was a big night for me! I was really sick and anxious about my performance! He watched my show, sang to me, complimented me, made me laugh, and got me food. You tell me whose the better person here!” I say.

He rolls his eyes, “Don’t.”

Well then.

“You still love ‘Heart’. A lot. Don’t distract yourself with these other two people” he says. I don’t want to obviously. But why won’t ‘Heart’ give me what I want?

Anyways, in the midst of all this- I got nominated for the Real Neat Blogger award from Paul at The Captain’s Speech! Eep! This is such an honor because I am one of his biggest fans and awards show me that readers like my writing.

So first I must answer some questions,

1. What was the first job you ever had?

It was governmental. Very fun.

2. Which do you prefer: breakfast, lunch, or dinner?

Which one does ice cream fall under?

3. If you had $100 in your pocket, what would you spend it on?

Gifts for all the people I love :)

4. Fries or onion rings?

Tator tots would be fries right?

5. What was your favourite movie as a child?

13 going on 30.

6. How fast can you say the alphabet backwards?

3 seconds actually. It’s my hidden talent!

7. When was the last time you flew a kite?

5th grade.

So who shall I nominate? Allie at Little Allie Big World for making me giggle with her brutally honest stories, Ellie at Peanut Butter & Ellie for tempting me with all of her yummy food ideas, and Keri at https://typosandthoughts.wordpress.com/ for making me think! Congratulations ladies!

xoxo. S.

Yesterday wasn’t like the day before…my awesome performance!

Finally. SHOW’S OVER.

I woke up yesterday, anxious, sweating, very jittery. I could not take my daily nap because I was pacing and nervous for the show. Of course, my partner arrived an hour late to our practice rehearsal and we didn’t get much time to practice.

The second I walk in to the event, I see “Heart!” He says hi. I am so nervous about my performance I say a quick “hey” and I tell his best friend to open up a room for me to practice. An hour goes by and it’s still not time to perform although we were scheduled to…So I decide to go look for him. I don’t see him anywhere! I scan the room and I see a lot of my friends and students who have came to support me <3 But not him.

Maybe he’s outside smoking I thought to myself.

But finally, another 30 minutes later…it’s time to perform. As I am performing, I continue looking. HE WAS NOT THERE! And then, the music gets cut. I stop dancing. WHAT??? That was my biggest fear! The president awkwardly comes up and says “Okay then” and starts clapping (too embarrassed to fix their technological issue). And then after a minute as I am walking off stage, they fix it and say, “Okay okay, let them finish their performance!” Cool. I’m sweaty and my body hurts so bad. Round 2. Still, it went good!

At least…that’s what everyone said. I thought I made a lot of mistakes…but from all the compliments I got, I guess I did well! All these random people and people who didn’t seem to mind me before were hugging me and complimenting me on an AMAZING show! And then, these group of male dancers stopped me and told me I did great…they asked me if I could give them a lesson sometime :0 I just laughed loudly. Another person asked me “Who in their right mind would miss your performance?” I laugh, I know someone. I wait and wait for “Heart” to show up.He never showed up.

After the event, my best friend and I decide to go get food at the student center. And who do we see, “Heart”. He is sitting with a few other girls, I know that activist group, it is full of his female friends. He says to my friend (not even me) that he had to leave the event right before it started because he was helping out with a protest.

What. HE WASN’T AT MY SHOW????? The one person I practiced so hard for!!!!! I was furious.

And why was he ignoring me? Jeez I even wore the dress that made him come back to me the last time when we had an argument. Wow. No luck.

I say, he was too intimated by my moves to come see me. Hey, if he was dancing the way I was dancing, I would be nervous to watch him too.

It’s weird. Before, I was praying that he wouldn’t come. But after such an amazing performance, I am really disappointed he wasn’t there to see it.

“It’s okay, I’m sure you will give him a private show later!” Mr. Photography dude says to comfort me.

I smack him.

No, he doesn’t deserve one.

xoxo. S.

If Tomorrow is Anything Like Today…In empanadas and other musings

“Where have you been? Yalla (hurry up)! You have to be on stage in 10 minutes!”

I give Mr. Photography dude a look. “Where do you think I have been”.

He finally gets it, “OH. You were at that thing for Prince Player! The panel thingy!”

I nod. Unamused. Today, as if it already hasn’t been a crazy day…I went to 8 different stores after class and work to see if I can find a more appropriate costume than the one my dance partner wants me to wear. In the midst of it, I get a text from player. I’m excited. I thought he was checking up on me knowing how crazy things have been. But he was actually asking if I could come to talk to his students about something. I think about it, and say yes on account of I need to talk to him about that very important thing I needed to talk to him about.

hopes too highAfter I agree, he responds telling me to call this other girl and she will get me all set up because he will be in class during that time. FABULOUS. “Okay now is when you cancel and say something came up” Mr. Photography dude told me earlier when I gave the news to him.

I shook my head. “Why not? He’s done it to you a million times!” he says. Well then. Unlike player, I keep my word.

So I went, 5 students showed up, done. I’m finally at my dress rehearsal and Mr. Photography dude is grilling me. “How’d did it go?”

“The girl he likes instead of me was there. It was awkward”.

He looks confused. “Wait what? How do you know it was her?”

“Trust me. I know things” I say getting into my uncomfortable belly dance costume.

“Did you talk to her?” he asked.

“Yes I tried! But she didn’t say anything to me”.

“Well it’s good he wasn’t there…” Mr. Photography dude says.

You can say that again.

“Well at least you got a free empanada right?” he asks laughing.

“It was nasty. I feel sick to my stomach. Grab the trash can” I say.

He laughs. And then gets it. “Wait you’re serious.”

I nod furiously and hurl over the trash can.

“Oh my god. You have to be on stage in 5!” he says. I get myself together and get on with it.

When I get on stage for rehearsal, there is only one thing missing- my partner!!!!

I panic. I tell Mr. Photography dude to stop the cameras and go call her.

She is crying furiously over the phone. Dress rehearsal in front of the executive board is in 2 minutes. She is going on and on about how her boyfriend did this and did that and she just can’t leave her room.

Christ. Does she not get tomorrow is the biggest performance of the year and I have to get our moves perfect because my ex-boyfriend who every girl flirts with will be watching?!?

I’m about to cry. Mr. Photography dude tells me to calm down. I do a solo rehearsal. Very bad.

“Is it sad that after everything that happened today, the only thing I’m upset about is the fact I have to perform in front of ‘Heart’ tomorrow?” I ask him after I finished.

He smiles, “Don’t worry. You will seduce the pants off of him! Tomorrow won’t be anything like today!”

I have been thinking about him nonstop and he has been in my dreams every day. I can only hope.

xoxo. S.

I Talk to My Parents On the Phone Everyday

And it’s always the same lies I share.

“Yes Mama, everything is okay.”

“Yes Dad, I understand everything I’m learning in class.”

“Yes Dad, I have some pretty awesome friends and I’m getting out”.

Even though everything is not okay. And classes aren’t so easy. And I don’t even know who my real friends are anymore.

Why does ADHD make everything so complicated?

Weekend Reflections: Worrying

worrying2I am sitting on a bench outside my apartment, I can’t breathe and I decided I want some air. Yesterday, I had yet another crying episode. My dance partner did indeed add “Heart” on Facebook and post a video of him. I cannot stand the idea of this girl that I absolutely do not like interacting with the man I love. Not only that, she has convinced my friends who run our club that we are performing for to give her a solo with “Heart’s” band playing in the background in the future! Why oh why do my own friends keep getting turned against me? And how in her right mind does she think it is okay to interact with my boyfriend after I told her how I feel about him…I cannot believe I am supposed to perform again with her next week.

I try to get support from my best friend Sam about all of the woman “Heart” was close to Thursday night. And even he can’t give it to me, “If you don’t like that Shahz, you better end your relationship with him. He is a popular guy and girls will flirt”. My jaw is on the floor.

“FOR GOODNESS SAKE! Explain to me how I was on top of him one second and an hour later, he is flirting with all these girls!” I say so upset. Sam just shrugs.

I should not have expected more…so that is why I am sitting on a bench with tears in my eyes.

Now is when I would text “Heart”, but he’s the one that made me cry…so I don’t. And then I think about “Prince Player”. But I can’t, it’s Good Friday and he is probably doing something. As much as I despise “Prince Player”, I can’t help but notice there is less drama with him. There is occasional drama that other people cause…but if we were in a crowded room like “Heart” and I was, I bet he would come talk to me and not every other girl that’s in the room. Or would he? I wonder to myself what would happen if were friends. If we were friends, I could text him as I would text “Heart” saying I need him. Maybe we would get coffee, maybe we would do homework like we used to, maybe we would play video games. It sounded nice. But. Complicated.

This morning, I again woke up with tears in my eyes. i put on my sunglasses and head to Starbucks. Mr. Photography dude is there and looks up.

I take of my sunglasses.

“Oh god. Not this again” he says. I explain the whole story to him.

He gets red, “What is this girls deal?” he says in frustration. I like that he’s on my side. He thinks for a while and adds “I don’t like what she did, but I think you worry too much. She probably adds everyone she meets on Facebook and is trying to interact with him so she could share details with you. She already has a boyfriend right?”

“They broke up” I say.

“But she loves him still right?” he asks.

“Yea…” I say.

“Okay they will be back together then. And don’t worry with Heart dancing with all those other girls. That’s common in our culture! He thinks about you and dreams of you at the end of the day.”

I’m still bummed… but I know that I need to stop worrying. I have an event every single day in April, and I cannot worry.

xoxo. S.

Someone Turned Up the Heat: First Week Back At School

jealous1Holy moly. What a week. I am ready to put these past few days to rest.

After my little talk with Mr. Photography dude, I was still nervous about my performance and the girl I am performing with. The girl that’s really pretty and I’m kind of jealous of. I was also a little flustered about my run in with “Prince Player”.

Anyhow, Wednesday as we were practicing, the fire alarm went off!!!! We quickly tore off our costumes and changed into normal clothes (not recommended when the fire alarm goes off) but…well…we didn’t want to go out looking the way we did! When we get outside, we see our friends waiting for us. We are told to move away from the building and once we start walking…who do we see? “HEART”. He’s sitting so carefree and smoking a cigarette on a table. I don’t want to go to him, but since all my friends are, I have no choice. Luckliy, our conversation was cute.

“What’d you do Shahz, you set the fire alarm off?” he asks laughing.

My heart is beating but I fake my nervousness, “Oh yea you know. I was belly dancing and I turned up the heat!”

He laughs. My dance partner introduces herself to him, I try not to pay too much attention to their interaction. But I can’t help it. Anyways, soon we are told we can come back in and my partner and I rush off to practice.

Yesterday morning, the day of my performance, I wake up all nervous. This performance is a fun laid back, 30 girls audience. It’s not as big as the one I have next week where 200 PEOPLE including “Heart” will be watching. But my stomach is still in knots because my partner changed up the dance last minute, and…after we perform, “Heart” will be back from his meeting to do his dance with the guys…

Anyways, just as I’m frantically practicing an hour before the show in my room, I get a text from him! He comes to visit and he says he thought of me after he saw me yesterday. We laugh, we talk, we had minimal time because I had to get to my performance.

“You coming tonight?” I ask. He says he most likely will be. Fabulous.

So. I do my performance. It’s okay, can’t move as fabulously as my partner. Later “Heart” shows up. AND OH MY GOD. He is talking to a lot of people, and a alot of people are talking to him. Mostly girls. He shimmies with one…(very common Arab dance move) but still. It made me so uncomfortable. I would rather see “Prince Player” talk to all these girls then see “Heart” shimmy with another girl. He is an excellent performer and everyone is watching him including…my dance partner. I see her talk to him, I tell myself to stop looking. She even recorded him and put it on her Facebook….

Finally, he leaves. After he leaves, one of my friends brings out a phone and asks if someone lost their phone. Me recognizing the black case jumps and says “Oh my God! That is Heart’s! Give me. I will give it to him!” Once, a few years ago, “Prince Player” left his laptop charger in the library while we were studying with mutual friends and the mutual friend that hooked up with him while he was with me said, “I’ll give it to him”. YEA BIG MISTAKE LETTING HER DO THAT. I was not going to let some other chick do the same thing with “Heart’s” phone!

Just as I am getting excited that I have another excuse to see “Heart” before my next big performance, I hear a guy ask, “Hey! Has anyone seen my phone????” Oh god. I was holding his phone. Shit. Oh god oh god oh god. I made a scene for nothing. My friend says “I knew it was your’s! She was so sure it’s Heart’s!” What. Is. Wrong. With. Me.

So. much. heat!

xoxo. S.