Broken

in response to Daily Prompt 

I never thought I’d be broken again after that whole thing with “Prince Player”. And then after “H”. And then after “Scientist”. When things ended with my fiancee, I thought you’ve got to be kidding me.

Because, who. Gets. This. Broken?

It was hard losing both a fiancee and a job and coming back home.

The stares at holiday parties.

The nosy questions from relatives and neighbors. 

The endless job applications with multiple rounds of interviews only for rejections. 

Why? Who did I piss off? To be given this much pain?

“It will only make you stronger” they say.f95ba420213742298c05b87bffe3506a

I WAS ALREADY STRONG!! I want to shout.

“Time heals all wounds” they say.

No it doesn’t. It may seal my wound gradually, but that wound will always still be there I want to say.

“You’re still applying for jobs?” they ask.

How dare you I want to say.

But I don’t. Because of the others. The others who say:

“I’m praying for you”

“I believe in you”

“You are a strong person, but this is too much for one person to handle. And I am so sorry this happened to you”

“I am here if you need advice. Or just listen”

“Don’t ever let anyone tell you how to feel. Because only you know how bad it it is. And how bad it makes you feel”

“You are about to become something amazing. And I can’t wait to see”

You guys. Are my rocks. And because of you, I rise. And feel a little less broken every day.

-S.

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A Letter to Aaron: On Avoiding the Friendzone

Today I am writing to our friend Aaron at The Confusing Middle For everyone just tuning in, please read I’m Bringing Letters Back!

Dear Aaron,

First, let me apologize that this letter took me a month to get out (I’m like brother Paul now hehe). In my defense, I haven’t been well. You know what’s been going on so I’ll save you the sob story. You are a counselor right? How does one get over such a bad time in their life, do tell when you get time.

Anyways, enough about me- more about you!

Aaron, you gave me the very…fun topic…of writing you a letter…about how to avoid being friendzoned! Hmm, well. I like a challenge, so I’ll bite!

However, for everyone reading this, I want to make clear I am one female in this entire planet so if you like my opinion- lovely, if not- sorry, please do stop by for the other letters and posts.

Okay so Aaron, I can’t really say there is a “way” or a “magic rule” per say. But I can tell you a personal story of how this lovely boy I was about to friendzone turned into a great lover of mine. And maybe, we can apply it into your case.

Towards the end of grad school, after the fall out with “Prince Player” and *ahem* prior to meeting my ex-fiancee, I went on a lovely date with “Scientist”.

As I mentioned in previous posts, “Scientist” was lovely. We had nachos and drinks and I had a pleasant time talking to him about our research, grad school stories, family and our hobbies. But sitting with him, I just couldn’t help but feel that…he wasn’t really my type.

But he thought differently. After our date he offered to walk me home, and I said “no it’s okay” but he insisted AND he kissed me on my cheek.

Oh my gosh now I was really sad. I only liked him as a friend and it was clear he liked me as something more. 15 minutes later when he got to his own place, he sent me a text about how great of a time he had with me. GAHHHHH. Again I felt bad, because he was such a sweet boy and I didn’t know if I liked him in more of a “friends” way.

Ok so I text him back thanking him for a great night and I’m thinking it’s the last text I’ll ever send him. But no, I wake up- and I’m feeling good. I am feeling…happy. I hadn’t been feeling good before my date with “Scientist” and suddenly I did. I shrug, must have just been nice to go out the night before- no big deal.

But the next day, I am on the train, when I get a text from “Scientist”.

“Hey you, good luck dress shopping today!”

My jaw dropped. He remembered. On our date I was telling him how I was going dress shopping over the weekend as I needed FOUR dresses for the various graduation festivities I was attending in the coming weeks.

I was so flattered that he remembered. I continued conversing with him and how hard it was to find a dress, I ended up texting him pictures of the dresses I was trying on and he was giving me feedback. It was fun. But still, did I like him in a “more than friends” way?

Ah. So that was Friday. On that Sunday it was a brutally rainy day in Boston. I was inside doing homework…when around dinner time I get a text from him.

We talked about how cold, rainy, and disgusting the weather is outside. And he, I quote said, “it is the perfect whether to snuggle with someone”. My jaw dropped. “What are you saying? You want to snuggle with me??” I asked.

“I would love to” he said.

Well damn. Ok no point in saying “no”. I was kind of interested in him romantically, kind of not interested in him romantically so maybe this would tell me what it was.

So he came by and everything was great. And then he kissed me. Oh no! I wasn’t ready for that… And I told him. I need space, and I just wanted to be friends.

And he respected that, and left.

The next morning I woke up, and again I had this “happy” feeling. Like my heart was dancing. I couldn’t figure out why. Until…well…a few days later, when I didn’t receive a text from “Scientist” like I usually did- I knew it was “Scientist” making my heart happy all along. I liked Scientist a lot, and I was deeply missing him. And I knew, I wanted to be more than friends with him. So yea you know how the rest of the story fold. We continued seeing each other, stopped when I left Boston but continued talking with each other, started talking to him again and saw him after things ended with my ex-fiancee, and then Scientist started seeing someone else :0

Ok so what am I trying to say here Aaron? Let me pull out the things Scientist did right in making my feelings turn from I like him as a friend, to I like him romantically.

  1. He followed up after our first date as soon as he got home- This showed me he had a great time with me and was potentially interested in me.
  2. He remembered something I mentioned on our date, and used it to strike up a conversation with me after our date- This showed me he really cares about the things going on in my life and is a great listener.
  3. He made a move- This is risky. You need to assess where you are in your relationship with your partner before you do this. With me and “Scientist” I did agree, we would “snuggle” therefore it was fine.
  4. He stopped when I was uncomfortable with the move- This showed me he respects my feelings and it’s ok if I don’t like him as much as he likes me.
  5.  He gave me space- I think this was the most powerful thing “Scientist” did. He didn’t push his feelings toward me when I suggested we stay “friends”, he respected it and gave me space. In the end, this is what made me come back. Space made me realize how much I wanted him in my life.

I tell you Aaron, boys that did not do some of these things were downright friendzoned or never contacted again (particularly # 4 and # 5). The most important thing in any type of relationship you try to pursue is respect. With respect, everything that is meant to be will follow.

I hope these helped Aaron! Like I said, I am only one female on this planet and I speak from my personal experiences. Female readers, do feel free to comment if you have tips for Aaron!

And Aaron, thanks for giving me this interesting challenge and allowing me to to write you this letter.

Until next time,

Shaz

If you can top this bad Valentine’s Day story…

Erm well, you should just tell me what to do lol.

But this past Valentine’s Day was a strange strange strange Valentine’s Day. I used to think my worst Valentine’s Day was that very awkward college one with “Prince Player”.

But last week 🤦🏻‍♀️ I was in for a surprise. The day started out pretty good. I had two interviews the next day so I was preparing for them all day. Towards the end of the day, I log onto social media. Couples have posted cute pics of them with their significant others and it’s really lovely to see. But then I see a picture “Scientist” has posted with another girl!!! Kissing!! Now this would be fine, if he was not just messaging me this past Sunday and every other day about how much he misses me and can’t wait to be with me again 😦 So my gut was right, he has been seeing someone else this whole time.

Wow, I thought “Scientist” really was the one for me. Why…did this happen.

Then, I went to bake (you guys know I love baking and holidays are a good excuse to bake!)

My plan was to make a heart shaped cake. And it worked, but when it came down to it- the cake cracked! I text my friend a pic and say “Oh my god my heart broke on Valentine’s Day”.

*yes friends I still got a sense of humor when things go bad

“It’s ok! It’s just a tiny piece that’s broken Shaz, you can fix it!” my friend responds.

“Okay but what about my actual heart?” I respond back considering she also knew about the situation that happened earlier in the day. *yes I went there!

She bursts out laughing. “Too good Shaz. Too good” she responds.

I laugh too and I am able to fix it just fine and it is a very beautiful heart shaped cake. My family and I eat it and everyone loves it.

The next morning I wake up early for my interviews to make myself coffee, and see my cake. It was neatly covered with saran wrap the night before as I wanted to save the left overs but didn’t want to ruin the heart shape. When I remove the saran wrap I see things running… My eyes widen….ANTS!!!!! ANTS TOOK OVER MY HEART CAKE!!!

I quickly dispose of the cake and Clorox the heck out of the plate it was sitting in. Just my luck really.

As if things really really can’t get worse. I begin my first interview, and I legit have- 15 interviewers!!!!! Not just that…

“We see you have listed Spanish as one of your skills. So we have prepared some questions for you in Spanish” the hiring manager says.

Oh goody. The last time I spoke Spanish was when I graduated with accelerated credits but that was in high school!

But I answer the questions. And somehow, my Spanish comes out fluently and naturally and they said I did good.

But still. It is my 5th month without a job, and let’s see here, the third guy that broke my heart in the past year. I feel I am close to the finish line, but I can’t see it and I’m worried 😔

God help me. I hope all of you had a lovely Valentine’s Day! I promise I will write you your letters once things settle!

xoxo. S.

A Letter to Chris: A dash of humor, food, and inspiration!

Today I am writing to our friend Chris at Short Poems and Other Nonsense For everyone just tuning in, please read I’m Bringing Letters Back!

Dear Chris (aka my blog brother),

Thank you for being the first person to request a letter from me. Meh after I pressed *publish*, I waited and waited to see who would want a letter. I was getting nervous no one would want a letter, and then there you were! Well I guess that is what makes you and I family, when no one else is there- family always is 🙂

Now Chris, at first you presented me a challenge. You asked me to write about FOUR different categories- lists, humor, food, and inspiration! And then cousin Aaron (yes I just declared Aaron is our cousin ok?) wanted me to right him a letter about how to avoid being friend-zoned. And then brother Paul wants me to write him a letter about EVERY category I listed! Guys, you drive me crazy I swear. But that is what I love about our family 🙂

Ok enough about Aaron and Paul. Onto you Chris. Here begins our 4 categories you wanted me to write about:

Inspiration:

So Chris, as I was saying, at first I was kind of bummed nobody wanted letters. But then I remembered, when I was a freshman in college, I went to see this poet perform live. A poet like us Chris! And there were very few people in the audience right. So when she got up on stage she said, “Michael (the host) told me *Sorry many people didn’t show up*. And I said, “Son, don’t you worry. Whoever is here, is meant to be here”. 

That always gets me Chris. When I don’t get a large response whether it is in real life or in our blogging world, I remember those that are present, are meant to be present and I should be happy that they are here and wanting to be a part of whatever it is that I am doing.

Food

Does Canada have tacos Chris? Better yet, does Canada have a Superbowl Chris? Gosh, I could just imagine you and Paul laughing at me. But I once remember reading that Paul has never eaten a taco! So please excuse my questions…

Anyways, the reason why I ask is becauseimg_3199 here in U.S- it is the Superbowl this Sunday! Like many, my family takes this event very seriously. Usually, if they are not at a party hosted by someone else, my family orders pizza for the event. But this year, since I’m around and we are hosting, we’re making tacos! And I am excited. I love making tacos. On the right you can see a delicious spread I made the last time we made tacos 🙂 You may also notice I made churros for dessert, do you have churros in Canada? Ok ok I’ll stop with the questions now!

img_3198Because the churros are only good when they are served warm and I don’t want to keep heating them up, I have decided to make tres leches for dessert! It is probably my favorite dessert. I have attached a picture of that as well 🙂

This event is about a sport, and I am making it about food 🤭

Humor: 

Ok, well. Remember when I told you all I like writing lists Chris? Well…I keep a “shit list”. A shit list is where you write about people you are upset with and why. Shhh I know you have one Chris! Even if it is in your head! Well, I like to physically write it down and crumple it up and throw it away so I can get it out of my system you know? Ok well, I guess I forgot to crumple up a certain one of them before I went to California because when I was in California- I got a call from my mom saying she found it :0

And I had written about my ex-fiancee on there!!! Oy vey.

Anyways, I was sharing this with “Scientist”, my grad school love interest when he visited me in California. And he laughed right. And then he stopped laughing and innocently asked, “So am I on that list?”

I just about died! It was hilarious.

List:

For a list Chris, I want to share with you the top 5 quotes that have been keeping me sane as I look for a job and heal from my last relationship:

1.) “What is coming is better than what is gone”

2.) “The shell must break before the bird can fly” 

3.) “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny things compared to what lies within us”

4.) “Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us”

5.) “Don’t you know, that god knows you are doing the best you can?”

Chris, please guest blog here one day! It is an honor to be the sister of such an amazing poet.

And then, after you do that- me, brother Paul, and you should do a sibling collaboration post 🙂

Until next time,

Shaz

I’m Bringing Letters Back!

Dear reader,

About a year and a half ago, I did this thing where I wrote my readers letters. Read more about it here: A Letter to You!

It’s an idea I got from one of our dear bloggers friends (my blog brother) Paul. It was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed writing them. Now I want to do it again! Are you interested? Comment below! You could have been reading my blog for months, years, or this could be the very first post you are reading by me- I would still love to write you a letter! In your comment, let me know what I can write to you about. Example: When I first began doing this, a fellow blogger- Kaiya who was a new to WordPress at the time asked me to write about blogging tips. And I did! You can read it here A Letter to Kaiya

Other topics I excel in:

1.) Providing inspiration/motivation

2.) Food

3.) Humor

4.) Family

5.) Friends

6.) Relationships

7.) Making lists like this (I LOVE MAKING LISTS!)

If you are sitting there saying “Meh Shaz I don’t want a letter, I am a writer. I want to write YOU something.” Well be my guest! Literally! A while ago I hosted “The Shaz Show” on here where I had some of my readers guest blog and it was a lot of fun 🙂

Sooo, request your letter now! Or guest blog 😉

Can’t wait to hear from everybody! ❤

Update: I Will Be Writing Letters in This Order

1.) Chris

2.) Aaron

3.) Catherine

4.) Paul

5.) Whoever else wants a letter!

xoxo. S.