A Rough Week in Chemistry (continued!)

Yesterday, I was explaining to my parents the very drastic policies my internship has and my supervisor’s refusal for me to take a sick day. My dad suggested I say “F*** you” and come back home :0 Alright daddy… I could practically see my mom rolling her eyes in the background.

But today morning, I couldn’t believe it. That is exactly what I wanted to tell my supervisor! My condition got worse overnight as I woke up to throw up several times. I went on over to my supervisor’s office to let him know that I need to go to a walk in clinic right way and he said I better wait until my class and duty is over at 4:00. What the heck? Did he not see my pale face and understand I have been throwing up most of the night and part of the morning? And wasn’t he the one that told me last night that “of course” I can go see a doctor. He said he forgot that I had duty. “‘I don’t know what to tell you” my supervisor says. “Someone needs to teach and watch your kids today”. And you think someone with a terrible flu is the right person to do that???? Maybe the reason why I got sick in the first place is because I have been forced to work 16hours a day without a day off and my body is overwhelmed :0

“Sue their a**”” my phone buzzed a few minutes later and that is what my dad’s text says in response to what I told him about not being able to get time off to see a doctor. Yes thank you father…Not gonna help my current situation.

I waited until 4pm and finally got permission to visit the walk in clinic. I was indeed diagnosed with the flu, I must have caught it from a student. I didn’t even bother to tell my supervisor and boss. They won’t care.

So I came back to my residence hall…and a few people do care. My residents made me a card and left some snacks by my room <3 My co-RA (yes the one whose date I politely declined) who has been promoted to activities resident director told me he placed me on chaperone duty for a movie this weekend (EASIEST CHAPERONE DUTY EVER!) because he heard I had the flu. He also took over one of my shifts I couldn’t cover because I was too sick.

“Stop using him.”

“What the hell? I am not!” I tell Mr. Photography dude as I update him on my week in Skype.

“He’s kind of doing the stuff you do for Prince Player and Heart….” he says.

“And what the heck is this stuff?!?” I ask.

“He’s using his power to please you and make you like him” Mr. Photgraphy dude says raising his eyebrows.

Holy shit.

“Think about it. You always use your power to please Prince Player and Heart. You participate in panels player invites you to speak at, you help “Heart” with his papers because you have TA’d for the class before, yup” Mr. Photography dude says.

I sit in shock. “Okay that’s different! Both of them asked me when they needed these things! I didn’t ask this dude for anything…he offered it to me!”

“To make you like him” Mr. Photography dude says matter of factly.

Uh oh.

“I’d be careful if I were you, Sad Beauty” he says. “Have you talked to player yet?”

Oh crap. Prince Player. Wait what am I saying crap for? He didn’t respond to my last message…

“He didn’t respond to my last message” I say.

“Give it time” he says. “Maybe he’s just busy. And you’re sick anyways. Work on getting better and your lesson plans. Then worry about him.”

I nod and we say bye. I close my eyes and think about the most wisest thing Prince Player ever said to me.

“I just thought you needed space!”

“Why would I need space?” I asked as my face flushed.

“It’s just…you do so much for others and I thought you would need time to yourself” he said.

Here’s what he didn’t understand. I am not myself without him, my other friends, and my family.

And that is what has been so difficult about being a TA and RA for AP Chem. It has taken away time that I could be spending with them.

A rough week in Chemistry.

xoxo. S.

A Rough Week in Chemistry

I feel my entire body burning up. I have a fever and I have absolutely no “time off” to go see a doctor.I have two angry parents in Colorado who demand I talk to my boss and ask for paid time off to visit a walk in clinic tomorrow :0

As if things really couldn’t be awful already. Yesterday, after I got back from teaching class and my night duty, I tried Prince Player again to see if we could FaceTime. He didn’t respond to my message. Why do I get my hopes up every time he talks to me :/ And then, I see all these girls flirting with “Heart” on social media.chemistry

Oy vey. Today in Chem, my students were learning about reactions. The only reaction I could think of was the reaction I get when Prince Player/Heart lays a hand on me.

When I got home, I turn mif you wanted to talk to mey phone off. I didn’t want to try Prince Player for the forth time. If he wants to talk to me, he can. So can “Heart”. And they know that.

A few hours later, I started to feel a totally different reaction. My fever.

Suddenly, I could not get out of my bed for my night shift. I feel my face burning, lymph nodes in my neck, and the rest of my body very cold. I call my parents and they tell me to go see a doctor. I cry and tell them that the only day I got permission to do that is on Friday. That made my dad very upset. He said if I have to wait that long to see a doctor, I should resign, come back home, and work somewhere where people don’t make their interns work this hard :0

So I texted my supervisor. I told him how awful I felt and that if things don’t get better, I will go to a walk-in-clinic tomorrow. Surprisingly, he texted back, “Of course, no questions asked.”

I called my parents and told them the news. My dad was very happy and said I better not teach tomorrow and get myself over to the clinic.

Chemistry.

xoxo. S.

Well, we tried…

What do I have to do to have a conversation with “Prince Player” these days?

Of course, my communication with “Heart” ended as quickly as it started, I had been so down. Then, these past few days, Prince Player and I started talking again. I was shocked by how much we’ve been messaging each other and how much I actually miss him. I suggested we FaceTime, player happily agreed and said he would be free on Sunday. I knew Sunday would be my hell day. AND IT WAS.

Sunday, the second session of this summer camp began. That means new students, new parents, new hall decorations, and a new class. From 7 am to 11pm, I was getting all my kids settled and dealing with parental concerns. I witnessed several crying kids and snobby parents. Holy crap, it’s wasn’t even the first day of classes! I tried to keep my cool as much as possible because I knew Prince Player and I would FaceTime later. And I was happy about that.

I also bumped into the other RA who…asked me on a date. I politely explained that although I don’t really have a boyfriend- I’m very confused right now with the men in my life and I don’t really see him as more than a friend. He understood, he said all he really wanted to do was take a walk with me. Well, one time, I took a walk with player. Look how that turned out…

As soon as I put my kids to bed, I messaged player saying that I was off duty. No response. I decide to work on submitting grades for my students from the last session. After I’m done, it’s way past midnight and player still hasn’t responded. Suddenly, my anxiety gets on an all time high. I start to panic about the new class I’m TAing (AP Chem) and about my fatigue.

I crawl into my bed and bury myself in sheets. I miss my family, my friends, and really- my life.

I put my phone on “do not disturb” and go to bed.

The next morning, I felt better but totally not ready to go teach class. I look at my phone, it’s a notification from Prince Player!

His message was sent at 2 in the morning. He says that he forgot that I was in a different time zone and how we will FaceTime tomorrow night for sure. Okay. Sure player.

I’M IN CHICAGO FOR GOODNESS SAKE! WE WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER HERE!

I let out a long sigh and pull up my bra straps. It’s a big day. First day of class. I can’t let the little things bother me. I do my make-up and head to AP Chem. It was actually a great day. My students are awesome and the course isn’t too complicated…yet. All my anxiety faded away, and again I was looking forward to FaceTiming with Prince Player later.

Once again, after hours of hard work, I finally put my kids to bed- and message player. I wait.

An hour passes. I message him again.

He responds!

And so I see his call coming in. I answer. It disconnects us.

What the heck.

He tries calling me again. It disconnects us. I call him, it disconnects us.

bad timingWhy.

Talk about bad timing :(

And so. He says we can try again today.

Okay then. Round three.

xoxo. S.

A strange week …in love and work

I wanted romance this summer but definitely not at my internship…

It has been yet another crazy week with the kids. As if things couldn’t get any crazier…yesterday I got a text. It was from a co-worker who is also an RA. This guy is an awesome friend, no more no less. His text started out by asking why I’m up so late. And then it went into him telling me about an update for work. And then all of a sudden, he spits out “Hey you want to hang out sometime?”

Uhh…What? What? Why oh why do I lead people on without meaning it :( Nooooo I do not want to hang out. I am trying to get over “Heart” and trying to get back whatever it is I had with “Prince Player” and enjoy our last year together! Plus, this guy is my colleague…at a place where we work with kids…it wouldn’t look right!

I didn’t respond to the text. I’m nervous. I see this guy at our daily morning staff meetings, breakfast, lunch dinner, and during our weekend duties. What have I gotten myself into :0

Things had actually been going well this week. The other day, right as my long night shift was ending, I got a message from “Prince Player”.

“Hi” it says.

My eyebrows raise. “Hi!” I type back.

I wait patiently. I see the notification for his response message and my supervisor walks in. I politely chat and wait until he leaves.

I open up player’s message. “I miss you <3″ it says.

He what?!? :) <3 My heart started beating fast.

I type back that I miss him too. And then I wait.

And wait.

And wait some more.

But he never responded :/

Oh well. It was good to get assurance from him I guess. Of course “Heart” still hasn’t spoken to me.

“Tell me again why you get more excited about player’s messages more than ‘Heart’s?” Mr. Photography dude says on Skype.

we were goood togetherI roll my eyes. “BECAUSEEEEE. Heart keeps treating me like the plague and telling me to get over him while player actually acknowledges his actions and his own feelings for me and treats me like a human being!”

He nods.

We hang up and I watch “The Good Wife”. It was a cute episode where Alicia and Will get back from a fancy event and Alicia tells Will, “We were good together”. Oh I miss those moments with player <3 Sometimes.

xoxo. S.

Maybe, my internship isn’t so bad…

dreaming“I had a dream about you last night”.

It’s been a while since “Prince Player” and I talked. I think I briefly chatted with him before I left for my internship. And the first few days of my internship when I was struggling. But we haven’t talked like “Heart” and I have talked. “Heart” and I had long conversations on Skype these past few weeks. In fact, this Summer, “Heart” contacted me before “Prince Player”. It surprised me because 1) he’s a douchebag (although the accusation of him being with other girls has not been confirmed) 2) he said he wanted to “work on getting over each other” this Summer 3) Player contacted me way before he did last Summer

Oh well, every Summer isn’t the same. Speaking of which, things are getting a teensy bit better here at my internship. A little. Not a lot. It’s still very stressful. I work 16 hours a day, 7 days a week. My co-workers are hard to work with, my students are hard to work with, nothing is easy around here.

This past week has been hard. “Heart” stopped talking to me last week. It’s okay because I have been exhausted teaching class every day. I was appointed as the event planner and this week was the annual talent show :0 Every day was a non-stop debate with co-workers and students preparing for the day. But at last. Tonight was the talent show, and I think it went well. Of course, I heard criticism from students and a few co-workers. And then, when I got back to my dorm- my supervisor didn’t even compliment me on this huge event I organized! But I erased it out of my head. I planned an event, and in my mind it went well- I didn’t need anyone’s affirmation.

After I walked by each students room and did “lights out”, I bumped into a student.

“Hey Shahz, are you going on the Farmer’s Market field trip tomorrow?” Every weekend, the students and their RA’s go on a field trip. There a variety of options. This weekend, I was chosen to chaperone the “Minions” movie outing so I would not be going to Farmer’s Market. I tell him the news.

“Oh. That’s too bad. Do you have any favorite fruits or vegetables I can bring back for you?”

What?  People do like me around here <3 I had tears in my eyes. This is why I love my job. Although we can’t really accept stuff from students, once a week a student will ask me something like this. But for this student to ask me after an extremely hard week- I know people don’t hate me and I must be doing something right :)

I say goodnight to him and shut my door. I smile to myself.

I check my phone and raise my eyebrows. It’s a snapchat from “Prince Player”. I had snapchatted him earlier, but I thought he would ignore me like he always does. I open it.

“I had a dream about you last night”.

Well good. I’m glad I’m not the only one having dreams.

My eyes are closing, but I want to know the context of this dream. I type back and ask him if it was a good dream.

As I’m falling asleep, my phone lights up.

“Of course”.

I smile. I wish “Prince Player” would talk to me more often. I wish “Heart” would talk to me instead of those other girls. I wish I got more days off to see my family and help them with their move. But…I kind of like it here. Just a little!

xoxo. S.

I Don’t Really Like My Internship…

There. I said it.

My worst nightmare has come true. I have become unfond of my internship of being an RA and TA at a highly prestigious university. This internship was my dream job, and now… not so much.

I’ve been hiding it from everyone around me. But last night, after I put all my kids to bed, I put myself to bed and I couldn’t stop crying.

I never get “alone” time. I am on my feet 6am to 11pm. And everyday, something terrible happens. A student in class will ask me a question I can’t answer, a student in the dorm will get mad at me for telling him/her to keep it down, oh and the worst- I will be asked to run an errand as I nap during my 30 minute daily break.

Today, right before I put my kids to bed, I got a few minutes to call my family. Even finding time to do that has become a challenge. Especially today when my supervisor asked me to run some medication to a dorm right before midnight. Uh, that wasn’t in my job description…

Anyways, I called them. And for the third day in a row, my mom asked if I liked my job.

Finally today, I flipped. “Mom. I don’t know many people who would like a job they had to work from 6am to 11pm. I teach class until 3:00. And then 3:00 to 11:00 I have to make and supervise all the students activities/study sessions. 7 days a week. Unless I get a day off. Which I only get every 3 weeks. Would you enjoy this?”

“I totally agree with you. I knew it!” she says. “Don’t do this summer job again next year. Just don’t.”

For once I agreed with her. Even “Heart” texted yesterday asking if I was free. Was I? No. By the time I texted back, he was busy and I was too sleepy. By the time I have time to call anyone at night, be it him, my friends, or my family- I’m so tired I can’t even think. I can’t even respond to what they’re saying. I’m falling asleep. They waited all day to talk to me….and I’m irritable?

That’s not how I want things to be :(

xoxo. S.

Summer Camp

I don’t think I have ever worked 16-20 hours A DAY in my life before. Until this week. All day, every day. On Tuesday, I officially started my internship as a teaching assistant and resident advisor at a nearby university. Kids from all over the world come for this “camp” every summer for 6 weeks. That’s right, I will be on call 24/7 and working 16 hours a day for the next…6 weeks.

WHAT A WEEK. Most of these 16 hours have been filled with training and decorating my residence hall. I have never felt busier. I even had to miss the blogiversary of our fellow blogger Paul at The Captain’s Speech!

The first few days weren’t that bad. And, I also got to talk to “Prince Player” in between. For once, he was responsive to my messages and kept me sane. I landed back in Chicago around 1:00 Tuesday and training went from 5:00-9:00. So far so good I thought.  It is Wednesday when all of the madness started. 6:00 am-11:00 pm was non-stop training. You could imagine it was difficult to wake up Thursday. When training again, lasted from 6:00 am-11:00 pm. I passed out immediately when I got into my dorm. Around 3:00am, I hear my phone vibrate. I panic and think it’s about one of my students. But I look at the screen, holy moly.

It is “Heart”. “Hi!”

“Hi….” I text back.

“How are you, how have you been?”

“Busy” I text back.

“Are you busy now?”

Is he for real :0 “No…but I’m sleeping. I have to be up at 6!”

He tells me to go back to sleep. I text back “Good night :)”

And then. He dares to text back, “Unless…you want to Skype”.

He can’t be serious. I put my phone on do not disturb and go back to sleep. When I was awake again at 6:00 for work, I texted him back. We talked for a while. We joke that there is no way he can see me this summer as I am not allowed to have any visitors and am on call 24/7. And everyday I get home, I just pass out. It might be a good thing, keeping myself busy will prevent me from talking to him. I suggest we talk through text and Skype but he doesn’t respond. Oh well. Player stopped responding to my messages too. It’s okay.

Yesterday was starting out to be a better day. Although I had to get up again at 6:00, I was at least given a two hour break to well this has been funsit unlike the other days. But later at 11:00, when we were released from training- the director came by. She had some critiques about our hall, she didn’t like it. My co resident advisers and I got up from bed…and remade everything. Around 1:30, we finished.

Our director stopped by to look at it again in the morning. She liked it! So got 6:00 am-7:00 pm off :) Finally, I have caught up on my sleep! But the 6:00am to 11:00 pm schedule starts again tomorrow :(

Help me.

xoxo. S.

The Season Finale Part 2 (How Junior Year Really Ended)

After “Heart” and I said our goodbyes, I was left feeling confused. He and his best friend Harris had different stories about his scandalous behaviors…and I just could not choose who to believe :( Especially after the way “Heart’s” been treating me lately.

I stayed up all night to finish my last final paper. I fell asleep around 4am. The next day, I woke up to go tour my apartment for next year. The second I joyously walk in…guess who I see? The girl “Heart” was flirting with at MY election win. No way, she lives here?!? I could imagine “Heart” has been here a few times :0

Ugh I felt sick. I HAVE TO LIVE IN THE SAME BUILDING AS HER? What if “Heart” is in her room one day and mine the next?

She smiles when she sees me. “What’s up?” Honey, we all know what’s up. I see her again after the tour is over, I wave bye and my eyes sting as I walk outside.

I call “Mr. Photography dude”.

“Okay first of all, dump this guy. Second of all, maybe she won’t even live there next year! The building is not that great…”

Yea. I hope. I mean I hope she doesn’t live there next year, not that the building isn’t great!

My eyes are watering. But I need to go to CVS so I can buy Z a present for comforting me and staying up with me on Tuesday night.

I wipe my eyes, and right when I walk in, I see a familiar face. “Prince Player”.

Time freezes for a second. He is standing in the line to pay.

He says hi to me.

I whip my hair to the side and yell “Bye!” It’s been over a month since he’s talked to me and I’m on the verge of tears from what I just discovered.

“Wait! Are you leaving today?” He gets out of line and starts walking to me.

I walk over to him and get close to him. “Why am I having a deja-vu of Freshman year?”

He doesn’t move. “Well. I guess it’s not like Freshman year. I leave tomorrow” I say thankful that this moment wasn’t like Saying Goodbye to Freshman Year…Love, Faith, and my Auburn Hair :)

He tells me he will come say bye then. I tell him that “tonight will be better”.

“Here’s the thing” he begins.

Uh oh another girl…I think to myself.

“….I’m working tonight” he finishes. Phew. That’s better. So we agree on the next day. My flight is later in the day anyway. I’m not all that excited because I know I’ll be in a mad rush returning my books, keys, and putting the remainder of my stuff in storage.But, seeing him before I leave is better than not seeing him. I continue talking to him.

I accidentally blurt out how I just found out “Heart” is a player just like him.

“I don’t like being compared to him….” he says.

We laugh.

My hands are freezing and so I put it on his arm. He stares at it, and his phone rings. A work call. Now he definitely has to get going. So we say our goodbyes, he pays for his stuff, and I buy Z a box of chocolates.

Friday comes. It is rather depressing like the last day of Freshman year because my room was so empty. But it was better because my finals went better, I had better friends, and…”Prince Player” was actually coming to say bye!

When it’s time for player to come see me, I put a rush on my errands and head back home.

A few minutes later, he wasn’t there- so I send him a text. He replies that he fell behind on his work and can’t come for another 2 hours. I worry to myself. He doesn’t sound like himself. He’s sad…about something. It must be the end-of-the-year-blues I’m facing as well.

I look at the clock, my flight leaves in 6 hours and I have to leave in 3 hours which means…we will only have an hour to say our goodbyes. I take it. So I go and do more errands as he finishes up.

And then finally, two hours later, he shows up.

We talk. I tell him that we are graduating in a year…and then we’ll never speak to each other again.

“That’s not true. I’m sure we’ll cross paths. We have Facebook, e-mail, texting, Snapchat… And you’ll be married at 23″ he says not worried at all.

I laugh.

“I like how you try to keep in touch with Player, but not ‘Heart'” Mr. Photography dude says later on Skype.

I give him a look. “Uh yea. Because ‘Heart’ wants nothing to do with me! He thinks I can just erase him out of my brain and will get feelings if I just look at him!”

Anyways, back to player.

I tell him sadly that no one will want to marry me at 23, and ask him why boys keep doing what they keep doing to me :(

“Well. When I did it to you. I just…wanted to spice things up. Not that things weren’t spicy between us! But I was…young” he says.

I nod. I could definitely see “Heart” being a typical young college guy having his fun. But why did he have to do it to me :(

I tell him I’m over what he did to me, I have been for a while.

“I just…had high expectations… I guess” I say.

And he says something “Heart” doesn’t have the guts to say. “And that’s good. You should still have those high expectations”.

I smile at him. I like how player acknowledges that having feelings is alright, while “Heart” practically ridicules me for having feelings.

“I wish things were the way they used to be between us.” Oops. I didn’t mean to say that.

Player doesn’t respond. And it’s okay. It didn’t come out the way I wanted it to. All I meant was, maybe if things were okay with player, I wouldn’t have gotten caught up with “Heart” and create an even bigger scandal :0

Thankfully, we start talking about how much we have accomplished this past year despite our difficulties.

“I tell you. ADHD rules every single part of my life. It affects my relationship with you. It affects my relationship with Heart. It affects my school work. It affects my performances. BUT I STILL DID IT!” I say.

He nods at every single point. And I can see, in his eyes, that he genuinely is proud of me.

I sigh. I tell him I’ll miss him. He looks at me and agrees that he will miss me too.

“Do you like me?” I ask.

Again, no response. But I can tell there’s something. “A little?” I ask.

He nods.

“I like you a little too”.

right name, right looksNeither of us smile. Because. Let’s face it. He’s no “Heart”, and I’m not the girl of his dreams :(

Soon he leaves. He tells me to text him and snapchat him. I say I will and I mean it.

And then he’s gone.

So that’s how Junior year ended. Worse than Sophomore year, but better than Freshman year. May Senior year be the best of them all <3

xoxo. S.

The Season Finale (How Junior Year Really Ended)

Continued from: Plot Twist- Junior Year Did Not End the Way Freshman Year Did

I knew “Heart” wouldn’t do what “Prince Player” did to me freshman year. I knew he wouldn’t play me, ignore me for months, and then leave for the Summer without saying goodbye. No matter what his best friend Harris said.

But if what “Harris” said is true, it is not worth my time to see him. I call Z and ask her what she thinks I should do. She says that she knows I want to see him, so I should just let him come see me, and she will stand by me even if I make a stupid decision.

So I tell “Heart” I’m free and quickly go put on makeup. 15 minutes later, he is at my place. He smiles at me and goes to get our “celebration wine” from my hiding place. We take a sip and embrace. What is he doing? He’s treating me like I’m the only woman in the world.

get over itWe lay down and he mentions that we should use this summer to try to get over each other. Considering the way he’s been treating me lately, I agree with him for once.

We’re both serious about it, that he makes me pinky promise! And I do because I’m serious too.

“Whenever I see you in public. My heart beats fast and gah I go crazy!” he says. I smile.That would explain why he reacted the way he did at the election. He will never know the way I feel when I see him in public.

“Harris said all you did yesterday was ask about me” he says changing the subject. Bastard. Where the heck is Harris’s loyalty?

I admit it. “Well yea because I was hoping to see you and I kept waiting for you!”

He explains he was with a friend who was viting from Michigan.

“You treat me like I’m your last priority” I say.

He’s shocked. “What? Shahz. Why would you say that? Talk to me. You are not my last priority.”

“We always do things according to your schedule. And then you’ll text me randomly when you are finally free and I have to drop everything I’m doing!”

“Shahz, you could always tell me ‘no’ you know? And I’ll come back later” he says.

“No you won’t. You’ll make me wait. And go do this with other girls” I respond. Wait what? I didn’t mean for that to slip out!

“What the heck are you talking about? I’m not with other girls” he says offended. As we say in Arabic, Alhamduillah. I knew Harris was lying! Or is “Heart” lying? :0

In the past, when I have confronted a player on their “scandalous” behavior, they have admitted to it. “Heart” seemed genuinely offended I would think that.

I feel better, but I try not to buy what he’s saying. Why would Harris make up something like that? I know “Heart” and him have been flaky lately…but would they really do that kind of revenge to each other?

Whatever. I’ll worry about this later. Right now, “Heart” is here to say goodbye to me.

He says that he heard I became Vice President (at the event he didn’t clap me for me at) and Harris became President of our club. And then he mentions he recently got elected as President of his club and that he will be collaborating with us a lot. I give him a look.

“Don’t worry. When we come back to school, I’ll be busy with my internship, school, and my own club so I won’t come to your club then” he says winking.

I smile and laugh. It really stinks that two people who love each other are trying their best to avoid each other.

He tells me to let him know how my internship is going (I probably won’t) and that he will be working on a film this summer and sharing it on Facebook so I should watch it (I might).

We wish each other well and we go our separate ways.

I’m distracted by even more packing and my Psychology paper, but I didn’t cry this time and finished the Psychology paper a minute before it was due. And that is how Junior year really ended :)

xoxo. S.

Plot Twist- Junior Year Did Not End the Way Freshman Year Did

Continued from: The Way Junior Year Ended the Way Freshman Year Did

As soon as Harris left on Tuesday, I cried my eyes out. I continue drinking the celebration wine I reserved for me and “Heart”. I typed up my Screenwriting final while crying. It was due in an hour :( As soon as it was done, I passed out. It was only 11:00, but I was tired from staying up until 4am the night before studying and not taking a nap because I was waiting for “Heart” and helping his best friend all day. I wake up around 2am when I feel my phone buzzing, it’s my best friend Z. I see 10 text messages from her all asking if I’m okay as she heard the news. I don’t have the strength to talk so I ignore her call. But then I see she has left me a voicemail.

“Hey Shahz. It’s me. I am so sorry for calling so late, but I am worried about you. I hope you have eaten and have packed for tomorrow. I hope you’re okay and I care about you. And I’m really worried about you, please eat something. And if you need ANYTHING just call me okay? But girl, please just stay calm. It’s okay. Whatever it is we’ll deal with it together. And when I find out whatever H is doing to you, I will seriously dig his grave. I love you. I care for you and I’m really worried about you so please call back when you can okay? Okay. Bye.”

The bolded line really got me crying. But I noticed I had yet another voicemail from her. Uh oh, it seemed she had called 7 minutes later when I didn’t pick up the first time.

“Hey Shahz. I’m really really worried about you. Please please call me back. Girl, I’m so really worried- please call me back. I will stay up all night if I have to. Just please call me back okay? I love you and please don’t cry. Girl, please please call me back I just need to hear you. I’m here for you, whatever you need from me and I’m gonna stay awake all night if I have to. Please call me back. I love you. Bye.”

Well then. I had no choice. I owed my best friend that much after she was the only person who decided to check up on me.

I dial her number.

“Hey girl! Are you okay?” she says.

I swallow the gulp in my throat. “I don’t know if I can speak, Z” I say trying not to cry.

“Shahz. You’re gonna have to. Now go!” she says.

“Harris told me. That. I am one of “Heart’s” many girlfriends. And that he is in and out of girls apartments every week” I say.

“Okay….” Z says.

“I was his sex toy, Z. These past few weeks, whenever he came to see me, he just came because he wanted something from me. Sex, homework, or money. And all this time. He has been rubbing his body with other girls??? What the fuck Z? I FEEL LIKE TRASH. I FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT! How disgusting is this?” I cry loudly.

“I know hun. It is really disgusting. But look at this as a blessing. God removed someone nasty out of your life!” she says.

“I don’t know Z. I always thought he was different. But he’s a player just like my last 3 lovers. God. What could I have possibly done to make him do this? That girl Harris showed me a picture of isn’t even pretty!!!!!” I say.

“I could imagine. You’re beautiful Shahz!” she says.

“What the hell do I do now Z? Mr. Photography dude will be here at 9 in the morning to help me move my stuff out. And…I haven’t packed a thing. I just want to throw everything from this crappy year away!”

“No Shahz. Just pack. When you wake up in the morning, everything will be in boxes and you’ll open them up in your new place when you come back in the Fall. Then this summer, you’ll meet some awesome guy at your internship. Then you’ll come back for Senior year, and you can show Harris and “Heart” that you don’t need anything from them. And it’ll be a fresh start for you!”

So we hang up. I get out of bed and eat some breadsticks that I order from a late night delivery place. Then I start the packing process. I see the picture of “Heart” and rip it up. Anything that reminded me of him, I ripped it up. Eventually around 7am, I was exhausted. I slept and woke up to a text from Mr. Photography dude at 9 am. He was here to help me move the stuff. Jesus, why couldn’t he let me sleep and come later :( For the first time in my college career, I didn’t do my makeup or shower. If you saw me, you’d think someone died. But I was running low on love and sleep.

I put all my stuff in his car and pray no one sees me. When I get back, I pass out again. This sleeping and not sleeping schedule is messing me up.

I wake up around 4pm and Z comes to visit me. I open the door with my hair frazzled and no makeup. She gives me a long hug.

“Okay stop” I say laughing and crying.

We talk for a few minutes and she says she really has to get back to studying. I’m really hungry. I hadn’t eaten for 14 hours. I walk her back to her place and stop at Starbucks. I buy myself a frappuccino and cake pop. I feel better. It’s beautiful outside, people are laughing, why shouldn’t I be? So I smile to myself and walk back home. I start my Psychology final paper and do some laundry. I’m actually alright.

I’m smiling to myself as I pour laundry detergent. I hear my phone buzz. I’m thinking it’s Z. But it’s actually, “Heart”. Holy moly.

“Hey. What are you doing? I can come over now.”

My jaw is on the floor. What? Oh this oughta be good.

***Stay tuned to hear “Heart’s” reaction to what Harris said about him! Was Harris lying?*** InThe Season Finale (How Junior Year Really Ended)

 

xoxo. S.