Silver Linings Playbook

This was a hard week due to my lack of control of my ADHD and Anxiety that unfortunately gets 10x worse during finals week. And of course, “Prince Player” and “Heart” have ignored me and don’t notice the things I have accomplished. Seeing how my anxiety turned into depression, Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick came over. We watched Silver Linings Playbook. It was so beautiful.

tumblr_mxve0nENhQ1s751i1o1_500At one point, Jennifer Lawrence’s character spits out- “I do this. Time after time! I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I’m empty! I have nothing!”

My eyes widen and I glance at Mr. Photography dude and sidekick.

“Holy shit. This girl is exactly like you!” Mr. Photography dude comments.

I smile. And then I cried. And then I laughed. It was such an emotional movie!

“See that’s what you need, a man that’s as crazy as you” Sidekick comments.

I look at both of them, “Heart and Prince Player are crazy!”.

“Habibti, he said someone who is AS crazy AS you. You are way crazier than those two” Mr. Photography dude says.

“Heart used to be my silver lining” I say sadly reflecting on how Bradley Cooper’s character got over his cheating ex when Jennifer Lawrence’s character came along being his silver lining.

“He still is. You just need to find a new one” Sidekick says.

I sigh. My therapist says I need to stop depending on the men in my life for happiness. It’s true I guess.But still.

“I don’t get it. I’m smart. I’m pretty. I’m funny. I’m nice. I have accomplished so much. What the fuck am I not doing right?” I ask them.

“How many times do I have to tell you. It’s them, not you. I have told you how perfect you are since the day we met. And a lot of other people think the same. I talked to some of your students the other day and they were literally fawning over you. Just because two boys don’t want your friendship/love doesn’t mean the rest of the people in the world don’t!”Mr. Photography dude says.

“Except these two boys really don’t want her friendship or lo477228_327798257346716_2063760153_ove…they want something else” Sidekick says behind me to Mr. Photography dude.

Mr. Photography dude shakes his head at him. I look at Sidekick.

“It’s fine. I already know” I say defeated. There is no use in continuing to cry over the truth.

“Well then it’s not fine then is it?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

I shake my head. “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

“And you deserve better” he responds :0

xoxo. S.

Pressure: And Other Late Night Thoughts As I Fall Asleep Watching My Beautiful View

There is pressure from my professors to prepare presentations and papers on top of finals as the quarter ends.

There is pressure from my dad to focus more on studying for the exam portions of classes although all these components are necessary to pass :0 There is pressure from my mom to study for the GRE every single night at 10:00 in between all my other work. Or is it the other way around?

There is pressure from the men in my life. One wants me not to feel sad or different. The other makes me feel different… Or is it the other way around?

There is pressure from my executive board. I am picking up everyone’s slack….

I feel like I am a rubber band being stretched around.

Ugh. Last night I had a dream. One was that I was running away from blades and shortly after, was a dream about…”Heart”.

As I am leading “Heart” into the elevator to get to what seems like my apartment, my phone rings.

Ugh it’s Mr. Photography dude, “Not now!” I say half asleep. I go back to sleep and see nothing :(

“Ooooo what happened?” Mr. Photography dude asks when I call him back in the afternoon.

“It was. A really good dream. I was all dressed up and flirty. I knocked on “Heart’s” dorm room door. (This is rather weird because “Heart” never lived in a dorm). I hugged him and wanted to…be intimate with him, but he had a roommate. “Heart” being very chill introduces me and I tell him we should go to my place. And then we get in the elevator. And it goes up and down- never reaching my floor” I say.

“That’s so weird. And before that you had a dream you were running away from someone with blades?!?” he asks.

I sigh. “Yea. Weird shit.”

We decide to look it up. “To dream of a blade means you are making some difficult and important decisions. You need to be able to make clear distinctions between your choices. You are walking on a thin line and need to balance aspects of your life carefully.”

“What important decision are you making?” Mr. Photgraphy dude asks.

“Whether or not to cut ‘Heart’ out of my life” I say laughing.

“No! Don’t even say that” he says.

I roll my eyes and we look up what the elevator thing may mean. “The up and down action of an elevator represents the ups and downs in your life. Alternatively, it may have sexual connotations.”

“Yes, definitely the second part” he says.

I burst out laughing. “Oh my god!!! No!!!” I say.

And finally I look up what running away from an attacker may mean. “To dream you are running away from someone indicates an issue you are trying to avoid. You are not taking responsibility for your actions.”

Damn. “Aha, bingo” Mr. Photography dude says.

“What am I not taking responsibility for?!” I ask, but I’m afraid I already know the answer.

“That you overreacted about the ‘Heart’ thing last week. He has been loyal to you for a very long time and you’re using this one thing against him” he says.

gvNwY7N“I already told you. What he said isn’t nice.  He’s an idiot” I say.

“You know when you call a man ‘idiot’ it means you really love him right?” he asks laughing.

My eyes well up. Yea, I do know. Maybe I’m using what he said to finally get over him…so that I can stop being his pressure :(

xoxo. S.


So my trip to Boston was exactly what I thought it would be. It was indeed, nothing but politics. Which is sad because Boston is a very beautiful city with lots of awesome people! But sadly, I was in conferences all day long with my executive board and partners. Half of whom, are quite catty and make my job- a nightmare.

Z, “Prince Player”, Mr. Photography dude, and a few other friends kept me sane throughout the trip as they responded to my snapchats or texted checking up on me. Of course, “Heart” didn’t do either but he never really does. I was so relieved when I got back to school, I am definitely a Chicago girl. But still, I was overwhelmed with my mom being in Qatar, failing Microbio, balancing 5 classes, and a lot of other things. When I looked at my calendar, I noticed that the next day- “Heart” was supposed to come speak to the class I TA for. Oh crap! I had totally forgotten about that. I text him and he says he doesn’t think he will be able to make it after all.

I shake my had. I’m happy I don’t have to see him in public, but, honestly- he wanted this, I worked hard to fit him into my class schedule, and he’s cancelling? It made me so mad. But I didn’t have time to be mad, the next day I was going to present the unit about Academic Success Skills and give my inspiring speech about ADHD.

Tuesday morning I wake up with Anxiety. I really don’t want to do it. I am so late for class, it’s so early in the morning I just want to sleep. I snapchat player and “Heart” about how I can’t get out of bed. Surprisingly, player responds. He’s in solidarity with me also having to wake up early and struggling. I smile and begin getting ready. It’s a very good thing “Heart” wasn’t as my speech became emotional and ran long. It was more emotional than I intended because this was my last time teaching, the last day of my TA job. When I looked up, even my students were crying! It was already a very emotional day. But “Heart” and I had originally planned to meet up afterwords so I still wanted to see him.

He asks me how my trip was. I say it was good and shrug. “Harris told me it was great!” he says.

Yea I bet. “Oh my god. What? What is it?” he asks. “Nothing” I say turning my face.

God. I was so stressed with how Boston didn’t go the way I wanted to and how Microbio may possibly put me on scholarship probation.

“Just tell me. I know you. I know something is wrong. Say it” he says.

I look at him, “I didn’t like the conference.”

“Okay why not?” he asks.

“I felt like an outsider. Everyone was speaking Arabic, I don’t know Arabic” I say.

“Okay so? I love the Hispanic culture and I don’t speak Spanish. I never feel like an outsider when I attend conferences with my Hispanic partners!” he says.

I shake my head. He just doesn’t get it. This isn’t about him. I just want to cry. I know he’s only trying to help but his words- also make me feel like I was an outsider.

“My mom’s getting more sick. So I can’t come see you often, kay?” he says.

I just nod. I don’t get why he’s saying this without emotion. This is not the way we used to be. “How’s class?” he asks changing the topic.

“Bad. I’m failing Microbio and may not graduate on time” I say turning away.

“What the heck is Micobio? Small biology?” he asks. For the first time I burst out laughing. I nod.

“Well, how do you know you’re failing? All you gotta do is get a C to pass. I major in something harder than you, Computer Science. I failed 2 tests and still got a B in the class” he says.

I don’t believe it.  Again, he’s making it all about him :( Doesn’t he get that I’m different and my situation is different? His classes have other assignments that bring him up, mine is solely based on exams!

I turn away again. “Okay you’re being weird, I’m just going to go now” he says.

What? When did he become like the rest of society? Could he not see how depressed I was? I think he’s joking.

But no. He grabs his backpack, and leaves. I think he’ll say goodbye, I think he’ll give me a hug, but no- he straight up leaves. I lay in shock, and cry my eyes out. I can’t believe what just happened. I’m done with him.

It wasn’t like the time “Prince Player” left me in a rude way because he at least had the decency to hug me and say “You sure you’re okay? I’ll text you”. But “Heart” did nothing.

I cry about the fact that the one person who was always there for me, has suddenly become like everyone else. I wipe my eyes and my hands are black from all the eyeliner and mascara that came off because of him. At that moment, I get a snapchat from “Prince Player”. I had snapchatted him before leaving class saying “I’m ready to take over the world, but I just want to go back to bed”.

I open it and it is a response to that message. “Same, I have 2 presentations today. Fuck this”

I smile. I want to respond but “Heart” just left me like trash and I look terrible. It is fate that player and “Heart” (he used to) gets me at my worst. I cover my one eye that’s messed up and take a snap. It looks nice. “Yea seriously fuck all of this” I caption it. He never responds but it’s okay, it means a lot he was feeling crappy when I was feeling crappy.

The next day I would tear up randomly. Thinking about what an asshole “Heart” is, the work I have for my 5 classes as well as my teaching class, how I need to apply to grad schools, and how I just want to talk to my mom but I can’t when I want to because she’s in Qatar.

12208346_720261978109641_4297035767501531711_n“Maybe when things are better and you’re not failing Microbio, you will like “Heart” again. And maybe when things are not so tough on him, he will start treating you right again” Mr. Photography dude says.

I smile. I’m glad he’s still on the “Heart” bandwagon, because I’m not.

I guess you could say, I’m overwhelmed.

xoxo. S.

Nothing But Politics Part 2

It’s funny how things change drastically the second I publish a post. After publishing the last post, I bumped into “Prince Player” :0

And he was actually nice to me! It was our first encounter since that moment he told he liked another girl and he came over to see me so I could be his “last impulse”. I expected it to be awkward, but instead he sat next to me and started acknowledging me unlike last time. He asked me how I have been. I said I was good. I mean I was. I have been so down because my mother is in Qatar, and Mircrobio really stinks- but that day I was happy because I was leaving for Boston.

And then he offered me a piece of his orange. We both took a bite and made a face at each other.

“It’s so sour!!!!” I said laughing.

He agreed. Seriously, how could I continue hating player? :p He always shares with me.

Soon we were split into groups to present the rough draft of our senior project. Basically, a story about a change we experienced through our journey at college and how our program has helped us along the way. I obviously talked about my bump in the road with ADHD and anxiety freshman year (and all throughout college). Player presented his story first. He shared about how he had a video game addiction a while ago. Player told me before, but to hear it with our friends surrounding us and with more detail- I felt for him. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to help him. Because I remembered. His addiction was happening over the summer, when we talked more than we ever talked before. He would respond late to my messages because he was playing! Even before he told me, I already knew. My dad used to have a gaming addiction too. And the signs were so clear in player. When he was done, I felt all warm. I did not know he was such a good writer.

And then it was my turn. I hated reading my story. I never like telling it. I consider it the “ugly” part of me. But, people need to know and history needs to be re-written.

“Okay I’m done” I said when I was finished. I looked down

Everyone was smiling at me, including player. It was uncomfortable because player already knows what I have been through and he had the most critiques for me. I smiled as he critiqued me. Because. I thought about how much he and I have grown since that time in my life.

After it was over, I started slowly walking back home. I wanted player, but I know he doesn’t like me the way I like him- so I just walk alone. I also wasn’t anxious like I was at the last meeting, and neither was he. Which is why I was not surprised when he called out after me.

“Are you walking home?” he asks. I smile at him, “Yea”. He smiles back, “I’ll walk you.”

I laugh. “Aren’t you gonna walk me home?” he says in a girly voice mocking the way I asked him to walk me home two months ago in About Last Week….

I laugh and shake my head, “I didn’t ask this time because I knew you would judge me!”

He suggests we hang out. I smile. In my head, I don’t think it’s a great idea considering what he shared with me last time. But if he’s asking me, it means things didn’t go right with his other girl. And, I was leaving for Boston in a few hours anyway, so I wouldn’t need to see him for a long time (not that I didn’t want to, he never wants to hang out for long). So it all worked out for both of us.

As we talk, I see I have a missed call from Harris (President of my club, “Heart’s” best friend. I talk to him about logistics for the trip. The politics continues as he shares with me some information I did not know. I am so upset but player is there so I try to keep my cool. “You’re so loud!” player says. My jaw drops, “Shhhh!!!!” I mouth. Does he not get I’m on the phone with “Heart’s” best friend. And does he not know us Arabs talk loud :0 Finally, I am done. And it’s time to hang out with player.

Everything went well. Player was so caring. Way too caring.

“What happened to your other girl?” I ask lifting my chin.

He looks me dead in the eye. “Don’t worry about her” he says.

Ohhhhhhh. Something is not right here.

“We’re not talking” he says.

11205053_715850011884171_2333495941459492648_nAh. Bingo. So he wants to use me. Lovely.

“Yea you know I’m with you because it’s the only thing I can get”.

I sit stone cold. What. How rude can he be. But then, I slowly realize, he didn’t mean it like that. And quite honestly, I feel the same way about him. Yes, I have “Heart” but he doesn’t get me like he used to.

Player continues makes a few more insensitive comments, particularly about his interest in other women, but that’s just player. I laugh it off and he tells me to send him pictures while I’m in Boston. I tell him I will and I am happy when he leaves. For once I wasn’t crying. Now I didn’t have to worry about that during the trip, and “Heart” had been good lately too so I didn’t have to worry about that either.

But still. Neither of the happiness both of them gave me could prepare for all the drama I was about to encounter on my trip. It was, just like I predicted, nothing but politics.

xoxo. S.

Nothing But Politics

I haven’t talked to “Prince Player” since our last…fiasco. I am still so very hurt by what he said. When I think about it, I just shrug and try to think about something happy. That’s how sad his words made me. And my mom also left for Qatar a few days ago. So I am…eh.

Anyway, my club is at our highest peak right now and my classes are so hard. So I have been too distracted by both to really be upset by both…

I usually go home every Halloween, but this year seeing that I had a conference out of town the weekend after and didn’t want to spend two weekend away- I went earlier this quarter. So I had to think about what I would do instead for Halloween, as I am not a party kind of girl. Lukily, my club organized an outing to go to “Fright Fest” at Six Flags. It was very scary, I wish we didn’t Let’s just say…I was holding on to “Harris” (my President, Heart’s best friend) half the time. I didn’t mean to! But I got intense anxiety the moment I stepped onto the first roller coaster- and it was way scarier than I thought it would be so I started screaming and held Harris’s hand :0 Oh. My. God. And I thought it was over. But no. We walked through a haunted maze and I shrieked every second. And every time I shrieked, I grabbed onto, you guessed it- Harris. Harris didn’t seem to mind. But I felt uneasy knowing that I was in love with his best friend and getting all close with him! On the car ride back, Harris asked if we could go smoke hookah. I said “no” on account of it was almost 2am and I was exhausted. He ignored me the rest of the ride, but when we got to house to drop him off, I hugged him goodbye and said “don’t hate me”. He hugged me back and said “I don’t. Don’t worry about it.” Thank goodness. I don’t need any conflicts with him, we have a club to run! And we have the most important event of the year (or in our club’s history) this weekend, our conference to Boston!

So yea. Right after our Halloween fun was over, I immediately started getting our stuff ready to go on this conference. I felt really strange, “Harris” and I got closer than usual last weekend. I really hoped “Heart” didn’t think anything of it. It’s just the way we Arabs are. And he knows that. Because just as the week began again, he texted! We talked a lot and we tried to see each other, but unfortunately, he couldn’t make it :/  It made me sad because I wanted to talk to him about my mom, the undying politics of both of our clubs, my stress in applying to grad school, and just balancing everything going on right now. Just as he stopped talking to me, the professor of the class I TA asked me to contact “Heart” and have him come speak to our class next week about his club :0 Oh. My. God. Politics.

When I asked “Heart” about it, he was so lovey-dovey with me and said, “No let’s not talk about that right now, we’ll talk about it later”. He’s scheduled to present in 5 days. And 4 out of those 5 days I will be in Boston. Not able to talk to him about it :0 Ugh. He drives me crazy. And so does “Prince Player”. Especially him!

Anyways, I am taking off for Boston tomorrow early morning and I am excited. And a little anxious. I’m anxious that thoughts of either “Heart” or “Prince Player” will flood my mind as I try to network at the best university in the country. I’m anxious to share a hotel room with my sassy e-board. I’m anxious that I might be overwhelmed by new people and a new city I have never been too. But…I’m excited to spend a weekend with my very awesome E-board (and Harris of course). I’m excited to meet lots of people from the same background as me. And I’m excited to visit Boston!

And then, I’m nervous again. A whole weekend with my Executive Board :0 I really hope everything will be okay, because lately, it’s been nothing but politics.

xoxo. S.

I’m Okay (the past week and a half part 2)

“How did it go Thursday night?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

I flip through my presentation notes, “Oh the conference call with the board? Fine. Just fine” I say.

He grabs my journal. “You know what I’m talking about.”

I look at him. I am preparing to present to Arabic Chicago Public School teachers on how they can integrate their lessons with my club. I have been looking forward to this. But I am in Thursday night’s make up. And crushed.

Thursday was a busy day. But I had seen “Heart” only 2 days before and I felt good. I had a few meetings and then class. After my class, I completely passed out once I got home. The lack of sleep due to most my classes starting at 8am and homework that causes me to sleep at 3am really got to me. When I woke up at 9, I called my mom and sent my club emails about upcoming events. I was texting back and forth with Harris (President, “Heart’s” bff) about our next event when I get another text.

I think it’s another text from him, but I am shocked to see that it is actually from “Prince Player”! HOLY. MOLY. What could he possibly want?

“What are you up to tonight?” he asks.

Um. I was planning on having a major conference call with my board and catching up on my sleep. Ugh. I don’t want to see him. Wasn’t he the one that told me to “love myself”?

I tell him. “But I was wrong…” he says. I think for a while. A long while.

And finally, I tell him I would like to see him. “Don’t belittle me this time!” I text him. He tells me he won’t and says we’ll see each other soon.

The-Good-Wife-Will-Alicia-KissWhen we are finally together, I am in the midst of a very heated conference call with my executive board. We can’t come to an agreement about anything and I need to go as I need to talk to player. I mouth “sorry” to player and he waits.

Finally, as soon as I’m done with the conference call, player is oh so loving. It feels nice to be with him. He is acting like he never said all the things he said…What is going on?

He pushes away a part of my hair and smiles, “I want to make sure you’re happy, because I’ve been really mean to you lately”.

I stare directly at him. “Yea, you gonna make up for everything you said?”

His smile fades. “We’ll talk about that later.”

And so when later comes, I stare at him.

“Hmmm?” he asks.

“Talk to me” I say looking away. I have a feeling I know exactly what he is going to say.

He is so teary eyed and I don’t know why. “I just thought you deserved better” he says.

He’s hiding something. But I nod, because he is right. I deserve way better.

Soon, I am laying down and hoping he will too. But instead, he starts getting ready to leave. It is so quick. I ask him why he is leaving so soon and he says he didn’t really expect anything to happen. I’m dumbfounded. He was the one that texted me to see me!

“Look. You know we’re just friends. And I’m not asking you for permission or anything but like-” he begins and I know exactly what he’s going to say.

“I already know you’re talking to other girls” I say pulling my covers close to my chest. Dart in my heart # 1. But I already knew that.

“What, how’d you know that?” he asks.

“Because you’re you” I say rolling my eyes and not facing him so he can’t see.

“Oh well-” And this is when he starts mumbling so many things. I can’t remember exactly what because next thing you know he says, “Like there’s this girl. And I like her. And I think she likes me. And so you know if she likes me back, I can’t be with you” he says. Dart in my heart # 2.

I feel like I’m going to throw up. What? Why did he even come see me? I ask him.

“I just thought, you were my last impulse” he says.

Oh my god I’m going to throw up. Oh god. This is way against my ethics.

He thinks this is funny and says “I’m gonna leave before I start saying other things. Bye!” I say nothing.

He hugs me goodbye as I lay stone cold. “Are you okay?” he asks. I nod.

“You sure you’re okay?” he asks when he reaches my door. “Uh huh” I mumble swallowing the gulp in my throat. Was he seriously going to come back if I said ‘no’?

“Okay, I’ll text you” he says as he shuts my door and leaves.

I release the breath I have been holding. My chest is so tight. I gasp for air. I feel gross. I feel humiliated. I feel belittled. I shut my eyes, and fall asleep.

I wake up the next day for my conference with the Chicago Public School teachers. When I am done practicing with “Mr. Photography dude” I tell him what actually happened.

“And that’s how I became everyone’s sex toy” I say.

“Assalam aleikum” a teacher greets us as she walks by.

“Wa alekium salam” Mr. Photgraphy dude says to her. “Keep it down! This isn’t the place to air your dirty laundry” he says to me laughing.

I smile.

He gives me a one arm hug. “I’m really sorry. That’s terrible.”

I sigh. “It’s okay….I deserved it” I say sadly.

“No it’s really not. And no you didn’t! But seriously, you have a two day conference ahead. Take off your ‘lover’ panties and put on your Vice President ones!” he says.

I can hardly control my laughter. And then I get it together.Greys-Anatomy-quotes6

I grab his arm as I walk to the conference room. “I am not okay now. I am dying inside. But I will be okay. Okay?”

He nods and wishes me luck as I go present.

Sigh. I’m okay.

xoxo. S.

You Always Look So Sad, And It Worries Me (the past week and a half)

I can picture many readers rolling their eyes at me right now :0 Sorry! It is so unlike me to “disappear” no matter how stressful things get. But after bumping into “Prince Player” in the last post, midterms, my terrible Microbio grade, preparing to go to Boston to represent my club, mingling with “Heart’s” club, battling a cold, my iPhone dying (forever) and my laptop temporarily dying…well, things were tough to say the least.

Anyways, my laptop is fixed and I will be getting a new phone soon so that’s good :) But oh my, I chose the wrong week to take a blogging break because SO much happened while I was away!

“Heart” didn’t show up the day I wrote the last post, but we did talk all throughout the entire weekend. I was happy to talk to him after the horrible way “Prince Player” treated me. I was even happier when he came to see me a few days later! I was lecturing to my students, my throat sore from my cold, when I saw a text appear on my phone (an old temporary phone I’ll be using until my new phone comes!). He was in the area working on a project and wanted to see me!

I am having a great time hanging out with him after I’m done teaching class. He touches my face and says he missed me. I tell him how I am so stressed in balancing my classes and trying to study for the GRE at the same time. He says I need to make time for both. When the basic convo is done, I get into the politics I’ve been meaning to talk to him for a long time. And I didn’t mean to! He started it I swear :0

“I like your club, but I don’t like your advisor. She says my club is too political and our clubs shouldn’t collaborate together” he says randomly.

I look away. “I agree with her. She has a point.” Ooooo big mistake.

“NO SHE DOES NOT HAVE A POINT!-” “Heart” starts.

“Yes she does! My club is more cultural and your club is more political. They don’t mix!” I say.

“Shahz. Everything is politics! Your lipstick is politics, your straightened hair is politics, you belly dancing is politics-” he says.

“Oh so now this is about me belly dancing in public. That’s why you don’t come to any of our events. Because I belly dance” I say smirking.

“Maybe it is. I don’t agree with it” he says.

I lean in close to him, “Oh…but you wouldn’t mind me belly dancing privately for you now would you?”

“Yea that would be way better than you doing it in public” he says seriously. “But really, everything is politics”.

tumblr_ndmcg4YTfc1qe0b0go1_500“How cute. Our first political fight. I guess this is what happens when two lovers run partnering organizations” I say laughing.

“We’re not lovers” he says smiling.

I give him a look.

“You’re graduating soon and we need to start distancing ourselves. I won’t be coming around here much” he says.

“Fine. Don’t” I say. Isn’t this exactly what I told him in his car over a month ago? Back then he didn’t agree and now he does? :0 I wonder to myself.

He shakes his head. “You always look so sad, and it worries me.”

My eyes well up with tears, “I worry you?” I ask.

He nods and pulls me close.

“Sweetie. I have ADHD, anxiety, and I’m trying to graduate” I say in panic.

He tells me I need to find things that relax me and stay calm. Why doesn’t he understand, it’s people like him that relax me and keep me calm :(

Soon he leaves and I feel happy. I feel whole, I feel complete, I’m smiling again. Even though he said we need to start “distancing ourselves”. But that happiness quickly changed only 48 hours later.


xoxo. S.

My Final Stretch (Dear god please help me in Microbio, Family, and Love)

“I saw your man leading a protest outside” Mr.Photography dude says when I sat down next to him the other day. “Tell me something I don’t know” I said sighing. “Heart” is oh so popular with his activism these days. And I kind of like it. He’s passionate about helping others.

Yesterday was a long day. After class, I saw “Prince Player” at a meeting. I was already in a crappy mood because I did so poorly on my Microbio exam and no one is helping me get accommodations for the GRE.

“How will I get into John’s Hopkins now?” I asked my mom crying on the phone. I have done so well in school these past two years (after my freshman year mishaps) that I actually had a chance at getting into a decent graduate school.

She says I’ll find a way. That I have worked so hard and I have always ended up…exactly where I was meant to be.

img_1924Anyways, when  I see “Prince Player” I don’t expect anything from him so I keep my distance. He seems different. He starts mumbling all kinds of things. “I’m really struggling right now. So much is going on. Like with my family, and school, and I have a baseball addiction. And like you’re up there. I mean you’re almost up there.”

Oh how nice. I’m up there. Okay great. And what is a baseball addiction? Who are my sports bloggers? Paul, are you reading this? I want to help him, but I can’t. I know he won’t let me.

Player paces by himself. I ask him if he’s drunk. He says no.12032176_705236952945477_2486930687096176730_n He says little to me and that’s fine. His words, “You need to love yourself. You are always wanting to be with some guy!” plays like a record in my head. Things are exactly the way they were freshman year, and I don’t like it. As I’m watching him pace back and forth, I get a text from my mom, “Call me as soon as possible.” Shit. The meeting is about to start… I tell her I will once the meeting is over. I sit in anxiety throughout the whole meeting.

When it’s finally over, I grab my stuff and rush out the door. I don’t even think about asking “Prince Player” to walk me home. When I’m about to call my mom, I get another call. It’s Mr. Photography dude asking if I have talked to “Heart” as we need to organize an event between our clubs soon. We kind of did talk this week, but not about that. And I swear to God I saw him while I was waiting for my meeting to begin. Mr. Photography dude says one of our partner organizations was hosting an event and maybe that’s where he was going. So we get that settled, and I call my mom as soon as I get back to my place.

“Your dad was feeling very faint again today. His diabetes is really bad.”

I sit down.

“I am flying to Qatar in two weeks. Your Grandma really wants to see your father and be with him. I’m going to go visit family and bring her here” she continues.

I sigh. I look at the calendar, damn this is a lot. “Hun. Don’t worry. I know I am leaving during the two most important weeks of your quarter. I know you have your next Microbio Exam and you will be in Boston for your conference. But, while I’m away we can Facetime and Skype” she says. I say okay. She asks if I’m really okay. I say I am. She doesn’t believe me. I assure her I’m fine.

When we hang up, my heart races. I just want to be with my dad :( And I want to do well in Microbio and graduate and make him proud :( This is too much for me. And I want to talk to someone. Some guy in my life that gets me. Player or heart player or heart player or heart. I choose “Heart”. I pour myself a glass of wine and message “Heart”. I tell him that I am so done with all this drama going on, I don’t expect him to respond…but only a minute later, he does. “Me too” he says. We talk for a little while and I fall asleep feeling a little better.

This morning when I woke up, I was happy to get a text from “Heart”. He wanted to some to see me. Finally. But that suddenly took an unexpected turn and made me oh so unhappy when once again, he asked if we could take our intimacy to the next level.

My phone practically falls out of my hands.

Mr. Photography dude and Sidekick gape when I read the text.

“Don’t” Mr. Photography dude says. I look at him.

“It’s very sweet that he hasn’t done this with anyone else in respect to you and all that and that he is waiting for you but you know- just no. I know you and know you don’t want this. So don’t.”

At that moment. I remember what “Prince Player” said the last time we were together. “Some girls think, oh if I just f— him, he’ll stay with me!” He was referring to himself obviously, but it applied oh so well here.

“You see. Even player knows! Don’t fall for this Shaz! Don’t. You have big goals to accomplish this year!” Mr. Photography dude says.

I sigh. “Heart” says he respects my wishes and will come see me later, but he never did.  Following Mr. Photography dude’s advice, I realize I have goals and got on with my the rest of my business.

I went to the Office for Students with Disabilities and said I really, really, really must see someone to help me fill out paperwork to get accommodations to take the GRE as I am in a serious time crunch. They agreed.

And then I saw my therapist. She says she is always amused with how much I have on my plate and how I smile through it all. I laugh. She also notes how I have battled things way more serious than this and I will be just fine. I smile.

“You’re in your final stretch!” she says.

Yup. God help me in passing Microbio. My family. And love.

xoxo. S.