A Better Week (In Love and the Weather)

Damn his hazel eyes were killing me. I watched him sleep next to me, finally I was in peace.

After crying all of last Saturday and all of Sunday, I was in for a real treat on Monday- “Heart” stopped by <3 I was sleeping and having a dream about “Prince Player”. My phone rang and I wondered to myself who can be ruining my beauty sleep on a Monday morning?

I saw the name on my phone and was wide awake. Of course…it was the only guy who is allowed to interrupt my beauty sleep <3 “Heart”. He said he can come see me for a bit.

I rushed to shower and do my makeup. Soon he was at my place, he pulled me into his arms immediately and asked how I was doing. I gave him a few updates on the drama going on lately. He made me laugh and eased my tension. We were exhausted and laid down for a while. As I watched him shut his eyes, there was something I had to tell him. I swallowed the tears in my throat.

“I’m back on my ADHD treatment and it makes me cry all the time”.

He pulled me into his chest without opening his eyes, “Just for no reason?”

“Yea” I whisper. He nods and let’s me hold onto him.

smileSoon he has to leave. Our time was extremely short, but just what I needed <3 As he starts getting ready to go, I tell him about the play I was casted in and he congratulates me. Word on the street is, he’s in a play too! It’s next week, I was hoping he would invite me to it-but he didn’t. Oh well.

As he left, he grabbed my hand and told me to let him know if I needed anything (acknowledging my ADHD symptoms <3) I watched him walk away, and sat in my bedroom confused. Wasn’t this the guy that broke up with me two months ago? Oy vey. What do I keep getting myself into. 

Of course Mr. Photography dude was all over this news.

“You see! It’s a sign! God doesn’t want you to have anything to do with “Prince Player” so he interrupted your dream about him with a visit from “Heart”!” Mr. Photography dude says. I raise my eyebrows.

Is it? I mean, I did have a dream about “Heart” right before. And I do love him more than player…but I see all these girls flirting with him. I don’t know if they are friends or something else. Because all those ladies “Prince Player” flirted with, were definitely not his friends .

“Not every dude is like player you know!” Me. Photography dude says reading my mind.

True. I think. Whatever it is, this loving start to what I thought would be a stressful week made things a lot better. I was able to tackle my three papers and new job with ease. I pray that mine and his relationship stays this way and nobody tries to take him away from me.

Sometimes when I have a nice week- I get really nervous because the following week is not so great. It’s like “Prince Player” once told me, “I feel like whenever we get together usually it’s nice, but then the next time we spend together is bad. And then it’s nice. And then it’s bad”. He had a point. That explains a lot of things in my life. Haha. I hope next week is as good as this one :)

xoxo. S.

The Play

IMG_0536-0Assault. The word makes me shiver every time I hear it. It’s something almost every woman in my family, including myself has faced.

When it happened to me, I told one person- my mother. And she cried. I wanted to die, how could I make my own mother cry? Many nights I had flashbacks and cried myself to sleep. Only after years of therapy, I learned what happened to me wasn’t my fault.

It’s still hard because my experience affects all my romantic relationships. And people make fun of these flaky relationships I have. Don’t they understand? That the first “relationship” I had wasn’t even a relationship and I was mistreated? No they obviously don’t.

Anyways, this past weekend sucked. I had planned to go to a concert with my friend, but she bailed on me last minute. I lost my $30 and an amazing performance :( But what I got was a silver lining.

After I received her cancellation text and lost my hard earned money, I took the long way home. I saw a flyer to audition for a new play at my college, “A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant and A Prayer”. It was produced by the same woman who created “Vagina Monologues”- which I had auditioned for last year but didn’t make the cut. I stared at this flyer and thought…why not? Walk-in auditions were taking place as I was reading the flyer.

I went on over and signed myself up. The director called me in and her face beamed- she was the same director that rejected me last year. We talked and laughed for a while. She asked me why I have chosen the piece I have chosen to audition.

I swallowed. “Personal experience” I said holding back tears.

Her face fell, “If I cast you, will that spark a trigger?”

I decided to be honest. I nodded my head. She was very nice and said , “Interesting. That might actually be a good thing”. Phew.

So I performed the monologue. I told myself to be brave and to not start crying in the middle of my piece. When I was done, I got a reaction I wasn’t expecting.

“Wow. What piece did you audition with last year? The performance you just gave now and then is like the difference between night and day!”

I beamed and told her that I’m just really passionate about spreading awareness about the cause and this piece that I auditioned with today hits home.

She was silent for a while. And then she says, “Can I give you a hug? You were amazing!”

And oh my god of course I said yes. The hug she gave me was so genuine, I have not received a hug like that in a long time. We said our goodbyes and she told me she would let me know that evening if I got a callback.

So I sat around and…never got information about it. But then, just as I was losing hope, I got a call later yesterday.

“Hey is this Shahz?” she asked very excitingly.

I said yes. I didn’t know who was calling. But then she told me it was her and my heart started pounding. That’s when she said the words I wanted to hear, “I’m excited to tell you that you are in our cast this year!” I was going to faint out of joy. I told her I had been sad all day that I hadn’t been called for a callback.

And she said, “Oh yea…I already knew which part I was going to give you so that wasn’t necessary” :) Eep! What a compliment. I asked her which piece I will be performing, and…my heart stopped.

It’s the one about a little girl watching her parents fight. The one I auditioned with. The one that hits way too close to home.

So I told her.

I heard her take a deep breath, “I know hun. And I appreciate you sharing that with me. This is why I chose you for the part. If you ever feel uncomfortable, you just let me know and we will alter it to make you feel comfortable”.

I smiled. I thanked her for everything and she said that it’s an honor to work with me :)

I’m so happy…but nervous. The only person I really ever opened up about this stuff to was “Heart”. I remember him saying that I don’t talk a lot about my parents, and so I told him. My face was red, I stuttered, and I kept swallowing back tears. He placed a hand on my shoulder and consoled me. He gets it. This is one of those things that I just want people to listen to and not give me advice on.

As time went on, I opened up to him about my own experience. The last time he was here I made a comment, “Yup. Every man that’s ever been a part of my life disappointed me”.

He held me, “Don’t say that Shahz…”

He’s right. I shouldn’t. I pray that my performance will set me free and give me the strength to move on. Looking forward to April! :)

xoxo. S.

It Is Very Cold In Chicago (In Love and the Weather)

textingI don’t like texting. I feel like I am always waiting. I get it, people are busy. That’s why after 5 hours of not recieving a response, I get anxiety. And after a day, I’m checking social media to make sure you’re not dead!

If you are my friend, and you don’t text me back for a few hours, you are busy. A day? That means you hate me :(

If you are a dude, and you don’t text me back for a few hours….

Well that depends who you are.

If you are “Prince Player”, “Sugar”, or “C”- you guys are being the players you are and aren’t interested in me.

Last week, I saw “Prince Player” at a meeting. In Mr. Photography dude’s words…I was not civil. I wanted to strangle him. He wasn’t acknowledging his lack of presence when I needed him the most!

Anyways, if you are “Heart”, you’re probably just busy and will text me back later<3

Here’s when the anxiety begins. You are “Heart”… and haven’t texted me back in one whole day!!!

This is why I don’t like texting people. Last week, “Heart” said I never text him and I can always talk to him when I feel down. Yesterday, as I was leaving home, I decided to try it out. I sent him a text. After waiting three hours, he responds just as my plane is taking off! So I tell him I will text him after I land. And I did, I waited all night. And all of today. No response.

And…he has not come up on any of my social media in the past 24 hours. Is he okay!?

I repeat- this is why I don’t like texting people.

UPDATE 24 hours after the original post:

He is alive because he posted a video and he was tagged in various things. Oh dear…so he really is ignoring my text.

Today I have class, community service, and a casting call for another fashion show. Busy busy day. I decide to grab some coffee. I order my usual, caramel coffee and strawberry donut. For some reason, I have a feeling either “Prince Player” or “Heart” is behind me. I am 99% sure it is “Prince Player”. I take a peek. Oh. My. God.

run awayHoly shit. Not now. It is less than 10 degrees, my hair is flying everywhere, and I’m sure half of it is stuck to my lip gloss. Well hell, it’s now or never. I toss my hair and go on over to confront him. I’m pretty sure I’m either grabbing him or too close to him. I don’t know if it’s because I was cold or needed him to stay so I can tell him everything I wanted to say.

“The reason why I was sick at the meeting was because I took my meds that day!” Wait what. Why did I blurt that out?

He seemed understanding. He says he didn’t text back because he was “distracted”. Hmmm well there’s something we have in common. I wonder to myself if “Heart” also didn’t text back because he was also “distracted”. I snap back to reality when “Prince Player” makes a comment about the cold weather and grabs my hand.

He compliments me on my mittens with pink bows and says not a lot of people know I’m obsessed with the color pink like he does. I smirk. Literally, about 4 other people complimented me on my pink weather gear today haha. Anyways…

I swallow. “What else do you know about me?”

“I know that you don’t have a boyfriend right now…” he says.

I suck in my cheeks. He does have a point. Kind of. The hickeys I got from “Heart” last week all of a sudden doesn’t mean anything anymore.

I think I got about half of what I needed to say to him when I realized I still hadn’t received my coffee. “Prince Player” orders his coffee and I tell the cashier about my coffee. “Prince Player” gets his coffee before I do. Prick. He quickly says “Bye!” and runs on off. Sudddenly, it is very cold again. My warmth is gone. My eyes widen and I pinch myself. Warmth is not a metaphor for “Prince Player!” Soon, the cashier apologizes and hands me my coffee. He upgraded it to a large since I waited so long. But God knows I don’t need all that caffeine…

Yes, you could say, things are quite cold in Chicago.

xoxo. S.

That Time I Found A Lump

Last year on this day, I was going back to school after my annual Valentine’s Day getaway. I was sad because it was the time “Heart” and I had broken up, and a little happy because “Prince Player” had texted me the night before asking how I was doing.

***Note: This is a very hilarious, romantic, but…mature post. Please proceed to read with caution.

That morning, I found that lump in my underarm (that’s not the one I’m gonna talk about though). Remember, the doctor thought it was stress? Right okay. Well a month or so later, right before spring break- I found another one!

I was doing my usual morning routine of changing into a different bra and walking around like a Victoria’s Secret Model when I felt the underwire hurting me. When I felt around, I felt something that felt like A PEANUT MnM!!!! I gasped and started pacing around my room. I had to tell my mother right away. I decided I would be calm about it.

I picked up the phone and dialed her number. “MAMA I FOUND A LUMP IN MY BOOB!” I cried. Wow so much for being calm.

“Habibti (my dear). What? Please calm down. Tell the doctor you saw at school!”

“Mama! She’s gonna say it’s stress!”

“It’s okay. Whatever it is you should find out….We can always get a second opinion.”

I hang up the phone and call the doctor’s office at my school. “Uh hi. Last month I found a lump. Today I found another one in my…breast.” Well thank goodness I’m mature enough to say “breast” now. The receptionist told me to come in the next morning.

I was freaking out all night and went out with my two guy friends Jim and David that night.

“You guys if I lose my tits boys won’t like me anymore!!!!!!” I cried.

Jim and David burst out laughing.

“What the hell guys this isn’t funny!” I laugh and cry at the same time.

“Yes it is” David says in between laughs. “You know everybody loves you for reasons besides…that”.

“Um no. This is what differentiates me from all the girls Prince Player and Heart have been with! If I start to feel jealous, I can be like ‘Oh, at least I have a nicer rack than her!'”

This makes Jim and David laugh even more.

And then they get serious. Jim says, “Look. As men and your best guy friends, we can tell you that you are more than that. You have a big heart and you always make people smile. That’s all that matters.” I smiled and prayed that nothing was wrong.

The next morning I saw Dr. Wilson. She placed a very cold hand on my boob and said again that it’s stress. After she left, the nurse quietly told me to go get a second opinion because she thought it was abnormal.

I told my mom and she made an appointment to see my usual doctor during spring break.

So there I was in my doctor’s office in Colorado. I explained to my doctor what has been going on and she immediately ordered a blood test for me.

24 hours later, the day before I left to go back to school, I got a call from her. “Your thyroid levels are low. We will put you on medication quickly to balance it.”

Dear god. It wasn’t as serious as I prayed it wouldn’t be but still. First I told my mom, she simply nodded. And then, we were having dinner with my dad. “Say it” my mom said. I look at him, “The reason why I found two lumps is because my thyroid isn’t working well.”

My dad shook his head. “Please don’t go back to school. Take a leave of absence and stay with us.”

I want to but I can’t. “Dad! People at school make fun of me for not being independent already! What would I tell them?”

His eyes grow big, “You tell them ‘Hey I have ADHD and now hypothyroidism! And my family will be supportive and take care of me unlike you guys!”

I started crying, “Dad. People go through worse things than this and still go to school. Please. This is my first quarter that I’m actually going to take courses I like! I can’t leave now!”

He tells me to go to my room. I listen and hear my parents debating in the kitchen. I cry quietly to myself and my dad calls me to the kitchen.

He kisses me on my forehead, “Don’t cry. Go to school. But promise us you will do well and that you will take care of yourself. Please. Go to all your doctor’s appointments, make sure to pick up your prescriptions, and call us every day.”

I almost don’t want to leave him….”I will Daddy” I say.

The next morning I was leaving for school early morning. My dad kissed me goodbye and whispered, “Everything will be alright”. My mom dropped me off at the airport and said “be brave”. I practically sobbed during the whole plane ride.

After my first class, I got a call from my doctor saying that she has written my prescription to Walgreens and I should go pick it up ASAP. Well, where the fuck is Walgreens I thought? I asked just about all my friends and no one told me.

Finally, I was at dinner that night with my friend Gabby.

“Gabby do you know where Walgreens is?” I asked.

“Oh my god. Yes. It’s like a 15 minute walk from here!”

“Fuck” I say.

“What’s wrong Shaz?” she asks.

“I found a lump in my boob and it’s because my thyroid levels are low and I need to pick up a prescription” I spit out all at once.

Gabby takes my hand in hers, “Oh my god. You poor thing. Let’s go! I’ll go with you!”

That night it was 14 degrees outside. Gabby walked outside with me for about 40 minutes that night. There were tears coming out of our eyes because of the harsh wind and we stopped in multiple buildings along the way to get warmth. Yet, she still did it. I couldn’t believe it. I hugged her when we got to our dorm, “Well hell. I don’t want you to die Shaz!” she says.

boobsI smiled. Two weeks after that, “Heart” came back into my life. This was after the break up where he texted me telling me to forget him and to date his best friend.

He was sitting in my chair. He embraced me immediately and kissed me all over saying “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I told him that he was really mean for telling me that “not coming back to school because some guy dumped you is stupid” (he did say that to me when he broke up with me). He said that he just wanted me to be happy and didn’t want me to ruin my life over him.

I told him that I legitimately was sick though.

“I know. Homesick” he said.

I shake my head and laugh, “Yea I wish it was just that” I whisper to myself.

“Wait what?” he asks. Oh no. Why did I do that? I don’t want to worry him! His mother is already sick enough!

I decide to distract him and start placing my hands on him, “I didn’t say anything” I said.

He grabs my wrists and looks me deep in the eyes, “Are we going to be honest with each other?” Wow, sex didn’t distract him. I like.

I sit back down on his lap. “I found a lump” I said.

His face falls, “What? Where?”

I look into his eyes. I take his hand and place it under my shirt, “here” I say.

He is speechless. I swallow, “It’s my thyroid. It’s not working well enough and levels are low.”

“Dammit. First my mom, and now you?” he shakes his head.

I place my hands around his face, “It’s okay. It’s temporary. I’m on treatment and everything should be in balance soon.”

We talk some more and his arms are around my waist.

“Wait. Babe. I’m not on the pill anymore” I say. I had to stop taking it because I was not allowed to take it while on the prescription for my thyroid.

He looks shocked “Okay so?”

I swallow, “We have to be careful.”

He kisses my cheek, “We always have been…we have never-”

I place my finger on his lips, “I know, I know. But we keep falling deeper in love with each other and-”

He takes my hand in his, “Shh. I know what you’re saying. Don’t worry. We won’t do anything.”

I smiled, at least things were going well with him. We continued seeing each other after that. There was another break up in between that but we got back together. As for the lumps, they went away quickly. The thyroid levels were still low but they became balanced later. And when I came back from Summer vacation, “Heart” was the first person that I told the good news to- my thyroid is working perfectly again!

xoxo. S.

This Valentine’s Day

Once I had a teacher who would always go on a getaway for Halloween. For me, my time to take a getaway is Valentine’s Day! I’m in the airport, on my way to Denver.

Things have been okay in the love world. I think. Every time I say it’s okay, something awful happens and then it’s not!

“Heart” came over earlier this week. I wasn’t expecting it at all, of course I was praying for it. Ever since our last break up, I have been so miserable. And of course, my discontinuation of my ADHD meds have made everything worse. So on Monday, I was preparing for a research study when I get a text from him: “Hi :) I hope you’re doing okay.” I took my opportunity right away and responded: “Habibi (my darling) :( I have been so miserable.” He responded immediately asking what’s wrong. I told him about the new job, my rejections to all the internships I have applied to so far, my ADHD relapse, the drop in my grades, and the lack of him in my life. He told me he hasn’t been so well either. So we agreed to meet up. A few hours later, he was at my place. He looked exhausted, but hell so was I. I buried my face in his neck and he kissed my ear. I felt safe.

For thegossip girl first time in two months, I was genuinely happy. I couldn’t stop laughing when I was with him. He is my world.

Of course, my world came tumbling down as he gave me the “Don’t get your hopes up” speech. I should have know that was coming. So I kissed him goodbye, because hell- who knows if he’s coming back….

Even though he left it open ended, I was somewhat happy. But then a lot of stuff happened this week. For one, there has been so much happening in the news- affecting mine and “Heart’s” community. And then I saw “Prince Player” Thursday. I felt sick to my stomach all day because my doctor had made me temporarily resume my medication. Still, I went over to him and tried to tell him how upset I was for him not being there for me as I was experiencing my ADHD relapse symptoms- but…he just wasn’t having it. He said “A lot has been going on” and walked away. I can’t do this anymore. I try to be nice, I forgave him with all my heart, and still- this crap all over again. I give up!

So this Valentine’s Day. Well damn, I chose the wrong weekend for a getaway. My best friend is starring in a play on Valentine’s Day and also Mr. Photography dude had gotten us VIP tickets to a concert :( Why didn’t I know about these things before I booked my tickets?

So what will I be doing instead? Hmmm well every year my family has a Valentine’s Day bash at our house, so yes that will be going on at our new place tonight. I could care less what “Prince Player” decides to do. And, I pray to God “Heart” is thinking of me… Happy Valentine’s Day! Eat lots of chocolate!

xoxo. S.

“Heart” is back, but not really! And other Mercury retrograde musings….

“Oh my god!” Mr. Photography dude says. We are sitting at Starbucks and having a coffee before class.

I know what he is referring to and I try to cover it up.

“A HICKEY! SHAHZI YOU HAVE A HICKEY!” I think he is happier than I am.

All the people who made fun of me and bet that there is a better chance of “Prince Player” talking to me before “Heart” crawled back into my life totally lost their money. Serves them right :p

“I can explain everything” I say.

He is just too happy for me, he continues staring at my neck, “It looks like a cat scratched you, you two are wild” he says shaking his head. I smack him.

“Didn’t I tell you that ‘Heart’ will come back? The reason why God didn’t bring ‘Prince Player’ to you that one night was because he was saving your heart for ‘Heart!'” damn Mr. Photography dude was right.

“It’s not as good as you’re making it seem” I say. I explain to him everything that happened. “See, yesterday was an amazing day. I found out I got a job, and right after I texted my mom to let her know, I get a text and I think it’s her. But it’s actually ‘Heart’! He was checking up on me. As we talked, I told him I was miserable and he told me he hasn’t been so well either so… we decided to get together. And that’s all it was. He called it ‘a midterms stress reliever’. So really, I’m no better than some girl he could call for a hook up”.

Mr. Photography dude looks disgusted, “Don’t talk like that”.

I take a huge sip of my latte, “It’s true! He even told me so! He said not ‘to get my hopes up’. Mercury retrograde is all about confusion and mixed signals. When he texted, I thought we were back together but….no I’m just a-”

“Midterms stress reliever” Mr. Photography dude finishes for me.

I nod my head sadly. “I still don’t like you talking about yourself like that” he says.

True. Although he came back, and I am somewhat relieved and have an idea of us, I am just so confused. I think I have gone crazy for him. I know this confusion will clear up tomorrow (THAT IS WHEN MERCURY RETROGRADE ENDS!) :)

Really, I’m no psycho. I have seen it affecting everyone!

Sunday, I was in the library writing a midterm paper when the girl next to me opened a box of cheez its and they went flying everywhere! She looked at me and I looked at her. We both started laughing and I rushed to help here clean up the mess. She told me that I really don’t have to and I said “It sucks when you lose all your cheez its and proceeded to help her anyway. She thanked me and said it’s just been a really bad day, and I said “Hun, it’s been a really bad month in general for me. No problem”. I helped her pick up every single bit and she said I was sweet and thanked me even more :)

Then yesterday, before the whole ‘Heart’ business, I get an e-mail from my professor saying I missed my 9 am meeting with him. What? I do not wake up at 9 am on Mondays. I told him that I am pretty sure we had agreed to meet at noon and I apologize if I misunderstood. So professor checked, and yes indeed I was correct, he had just put the wrong time on his calendar.

And so as I’m trying to go back to sleep, I get a text from one of my classmates asking where everyone is. Our class is at 1:00…. With all these time issues, I wondered if I missed daylight savings time or something. But she quickly texted back saying she has made a mistake and will see me in an hour.

As I try to go back to sleep, I get the e-mail about the job and receive that text from “Heart”. After class, he showed up way earlier than I expected and I rushed to get ready. This decreased that already short time we had to spend together.

And then, after he left, I got another job offer! And sadly, my dad told me to decline one job offer because he doesn’t want me working two jobs :( So I had to write a long letter to this wonderful woman who hired me and I felt bad.

Yikes! Mercury retrograde seems to be getting everyone’s panties in a bunch! Please help each other during this time and be sensitive to everyone :)

xoxo. S.

The Interview: On My Uphill Battle With ADHD

FullSizeRenderIt’s been two weeks since I stopped my ADHD treatment. I feel physically healthier, but I can’t stop thinking about “Heart” and I can’t complete assignments the way I used to.

I am sitting in a diner with Mr. Photography dude and his sidekick. This is the last interview. I sip my hot chocolate and wait for him to ask the question I know he will ask.

“Can you speak more about your ADHD?”

I think about the conversation I had with my dad last night. He asked me why I sounded “down”. I told him I have a 5 page paper due on Monday and I have only written one word so far because I stopped my medication. He asked me how in the world do I think my ADHD is going to get better if I keep stopping every treatment I get put on…

Here goes nothing. “It’s an uphill battle. Sometimes I’m okay, sometimes I’m not. My freshman year I was put on medication and it destroyed me. Last year, I was medication free and I was perfectly fine. I just got back on it this year because…I don’t know. I hate how I can’t sit still or and how a 1,000 thoughts are rushing through me. And of course, I stopped this new treatment as well because it is hurting me physically. I hate this. I have to constantly ask myself- what’s more important. My grades or my mental/physical health?”

“Do you think ADHD affects your romantic relationships?”

I stay quiet for a while. It’s been a while since I have had one. I mean how I must supposed to tell him that hell yea, ADHD makes me extra jealous, moody, anxious, paranoid, lonely-

“Let me ask you this, do Prince Player and Heart know?”

I nod.

“What do they think?”

“Prince Player found out first because I told him shortly before I met Heart. But it took me almost a year to trust him enough to tell him. And he is supportive. But for some reason, I just don’t feel like he gets my symptoms. Because if he did- he’d be there for me.”

He nods. “And Heart?”

I smile. And there are tears in my eyes.

“Oh god that look. He must be really supportive huh?”

I nod. “I told him in the first month of knowing him. Usually when I tell people, they say *oh* and just move on. But he was very caring and he said, *talk to me about it*. I told him about my sad history of the symptoms that occurred after being put on treatment, and he asked me how I’m dealing now. I told him that I have a therapist and he said *….you also have me*. No one’s ever been so kind when I told them before. ”

Mr. Photography dude smiles. “What has he done to support you, that Prince Player hasn’t?”

I laugh, “A lot of things” I giggle. Mr. Photography dude rolls his eyes.

“No. Seriously. When Heart wanted to take a break from us, he said ‘You are allowed to be with other guys. I know how lonely you get and how that makes you feel’, Prince Player always said I could be with other guys….but that was so he could screw other girls :( It’s like he didn’t get how awful that made me feel. But Heart saying that made me realize that he actually understand this mental disorder I live with and he cares”.

“Wow. No wonder you love this bastard.”

I laugh. He continues with his questions, “What if the people you know read your blog and find out you have ADHD? What if they tell other people you know? Will you be embarrassed?”

I shake my head. “No. Everyone has their battle, and this is mine. If they can’t accept the crazy reality that I have to live with, they don’t have to read it.”

Mr. Photography dude laughs and shakes his head, “How did you get to be so damn strong?”

I smile and rest my chin in my hands, “After a while…it’s the only option you have.”

xoxo. S.

If you’re gonna flirt with me because of my race, take a seat

mindy kalingFor those of my readers who don’t know, I come from a huge Middle Eastern and Indian family. The majority of my family is Indian so I do look more Indian than Arab. But I personally identify more with my Arab roots. And I am proud of both my exotic cultures.

Yesterday when I went shopping with my one of my best friend’s (because of our wonderful snow day), a scene way too familiar happened on the train.

“Y’all Indian?” a guy asked us this the second we got on.

I looked at my best friend, she’s Pakistani. And way more bold than me. I give her a look and we both ignore the comment talking about all of the stuff we’re going to buy. The guy looks at his one of his friend’s and laughs loudly. Whatever.

This kind of stuff happens all the time. Several times, a guy will ask me my name, and they say “Ooooooo Indian huh?” Actually it’s Arabic, so stop flirting and take a seat. Find something besides my race to flirt with me about.

I looked on the Internet for some guidance to deal with things like this. And sadly, I stumbled upon many articles called “Reasons Not to Date Indian Girls”. What. The. Crap!?

I’m gonna comment on a few.

1.) “They’re unattractive”

Get out of here. Have you ever heard of Katrina Kaif? Shraddha Kapoor? And wasn’t last year’s Miss America Indian?

Take a look at this list: http://www.buzzfeed.com/andreborges/stunningly-beautiful

2.) “They’re prudish”

Me? Prude? Don’t think so. Ask my last boyfriend. I think I was too much for him :0

Side note: In general, all girls of any race can be modest (not prude) if they want to be. It’s called morals.

3.) “They loathe their race and want to be white”

I don’t wish to be white, but I do love being American. Some areas of India, especially the one I was born into was poverty stricken. It was a hard lifestyle and I’m glad I’m living here today!

4.) “They are feminists”

I don’t identify myself as a feminist, but I admire the women who are! Yes, when young girls my cousin’s age are getting raped, it makes me sad. When my cousin has to get married at 18 and I get to go to college, it makes me sad.

5.) “They are mental”

Yup I’m mental. I admit it. But not because I’m Indian.

So if you’re flirting with me because I am Indian, or NOT flirting with me because I am Indian, take a seat.

If you don’t like Indian girls, fine. If you do, find something else to comment on. We have beautiful hair, eyes, and other assets. If we like you, then you can start commenting on our Indian beauty- that’s cute. I always called my ex-boyfriend “my sexy Arab man” and he always called me his “hot Indian princess ” ;) But you better believe he didn’t call me that the night we met!

xoxo. S.

I fell for him…literally!

FullSizeRender(8)“When I fall, I fall hard.”

That was “Heart” expressing his love for me a while ago.

Well hell, he sure didn’t fall as hard as I did. Yesterday, I went to get this ankle checked out. You probably read in Distracted, Part 2 that I took quite a fall on the stairs as I was distracted by “Heart” announcing he was in Vegas on social media. I thought I was fine, and shrugged it off because it was completely my fault. But yesterday when I woke up, it hurt like crazy! And my parents were not happy about it.

So I went to the doctor. It’s a sprain. Go figure. She put whatever this thing is called on me and I was on my way.

I cannot believe I literally fell for “Heart”….

On the bright side, today we got a snow day :) Best news I have gotten since I got back here. It’s a blizzard here in Chicago….but let’s just say things are way colder between me and “Heart”!

January is always a pain in my rear. I hope this month is better. Happy February :)

xoxo. S.

Distracted, Part 2

every girl“HEART IS IN VEGAS!” I’m at Starbucks getting my morning coffee and Mr. Photography dude is there too (I didn’t expect to see him but since he’s there I decide I will tell him). I woke up this morning finally having the courage to text “Heart” but saw that he checked into Las Vegas when I logged on to Facebook. Thank goodness I didn’t send that text.

“What? Calm down. You were just in Vegas too you know….” Mr. Photography dude says.

“Uh yea. With my parents! For my birthday!”

“Why is he there?”

“It’s his friends birthday. He and his three best friends are there for the weekend celebrating. How does he not have time to spend with me or the money to spend on me….but have all the time and money to go to Vegas?!?” I say

He shrugs, “Let the man have a little fun.”

My eyes grow big. “Do you know what happens when four 20 year old guys go to Vegas? Have you seen ‘The Hangover’???”

He laughs. “Oh yea.”

“You’re not helping” I say.

“Maybe he finally got a weekend off of work and he has been saving up to go. You did tell me that it was one of his dreams to visit right? And that you felt bad going there over winter break because of that? Well now his dream is coming true, be happy.”

I’m still sad. “What if he meets someone?”

He puts his coffee down, “Did you meet someone when you were there?”

“No” I say.

“There ya go. And even if he does, it won’t mean anything.The fun you have in Vegas is temporary” he says.

True. “I should have fun this weekend too.”

He laughs, “You should text player”.

I smile.

He looks at me again, “Holy shit. You already did didn’t you?!?”

No. I was thinking about it. But he probably already has a wait list of girls for the weekend. So I decided against it. I wonder if we’ll hang out like he has said we would last week…

And so I had to get to class and I quickly said bye to him.

As I was walking down the stairs after class, I get an email saying that I’m not eligible for the Master’s program I wanted to do here because my GPA was .28 away from the requirement. Focusing so much on the e-mail and “Heart”, I STUMBLE DOWN THE STAIRS. My ankle hurts really bad :(

I text Mr. Photography dude. He texts back saying I have issues and that I need to stop getting distracted by men lol…

I hope this day or…heck this quarter, gets better.

xoxo. S.