Warning: This post is for mature audiences. It discusses serious relationships and health issues. If you have any type of judgement, please, find another blog post to read. I am choosing to share this because one time a reader said “I like how you help women feel like they are not alone” and I stand by it.
It was a long three weeks. Waking up from naps and good night’s sleep were hard. The moment my eyes opened, I would stare at the empty space next to me. I thought about the body that used to lay there. On one particular day, I woke up crying, and cried for 15 minutes. Thank goodness I hadn’t done my makeup for work yet- otherwise I would have been late.
It was getting unbearable. I needed to talk to him. I wanted to know why he left, why he started pursuing other options if he really did have “so much going on in his life”. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I needed an answer.
So last weekend, I text him.
“We should talk” I say.
He reads it immediately. But takes a while to respond. I expected that.
“What’s up?” he asks.
I take a deep breath. “I respect you breaking up with me and not leading me on. I respect your kind words when you broke up with me. But I do not respect you not being honest about why you left, and I am torn.”
“I’m sorry Shaz” he responds.
My eyes widen. “So you did lie?” I ask.
“Can’t say I did” he says.
“Help me understand. One evening, you tell me that you are breaking up with me because you have a lot on going on- and the next morning, I see you pursuing other girls” I say.
I wait. In deep anxiety. Finally I have called him out, and I need to know what he will say.
“I do have a lot going on in my life, and I don’t spend a lot of time pursuing other people” he says.
“Then why do it?” I ask.
And then he says what makes my entire world shatter. Something I never expected from him.
“Guys still have needs I guess” he says.
I FEEL GUTTED.
“Are you serious?” I ask.
“…” is his response.
“Was I not meeting your *needs*?” I ask.
“I didn’t think it would be fair to you” he said.
Converting a relationship into a hook up only thing?
Yea no. Of course it wouldn’t be.
“You know, I wish you just told me that” I said.
“I mean would you?” he asks.
I’m confused. “Would I what? Just hook up?” I ask.
“Yea” he says.
“You do realize that’s how it began right. That’s what I wanted. You were the one that started spending the night. And texting me. And taking me out. And calling me your girlfriend. And I began to like you the way you liked me” I said.
“Well would you do it now?” he asks.
I couldn’t believe what I agreed to do next. It was against everything I stood for. But I was trying to prove something to him. I was trying to prove to him that I can be just as emotionless as him.
I let him win again. I prove him right. I couldn’t handle it.
He stays a mere 10 minutes.
After he leaves I feel sick to my stomach. He looked so good. He took the break up so well. Went to the gym and everything. I decide I will do the same. I go to the gym and do a very rigorous work out.
I decide I’ll buy healthy groceries too. On the way to the grocery store I feel a bad stomach ache. Like I’m going to vomit. I make a crucial driving mistake. My heart races when I get into the parking lot of the grocery store. I quickly grab my groceries and drive carefully home.
At home, I make myself something to eat thinking it will calm me down. But only a few minutes later, I am hurled over the bathroom toilet. Puking. I can also feel myself bleeding.
My dad calls.
“Are you sick?” he asks.
“I think so. My stomach hurts and I’m puking” I say.
My dad talks me through it and asks me to go to the ER. “Omg no” I say.
“Well have about if we ask your brother to come over? I think you are having anxiety. If you can’t talk to your mom or I- talk to him” he says.
“No” I say.
My dad talks me through it. I don’t listen to him on going to the ER or urgent care. We agree I will go to bed (it’s 9:00) and I’ll call my doctor in the morning.
I wake up at 5:00 in the morning. Still it pain, still bleeding, still vomiting.
I wait the few hours for my doctor’s office to open. And call the specialist, the one that works with the PCOS.
“Hi there…I am experiencing severe abdominal pain and I really really need to come in” I say to the nurse.
I hate these nurses. “Okay that would be your primary care doctor. Not us, your gynecologist”.
“No listen to me. This started after I had relations yesterday. It is severe pelvic pain” I say trying not to cry even more.
“Oh…ok. In that case. We have a 3:00 available” mean nurse says.
“Thank you” I say in a *glad you finally listened* tone.
I drive to work crying. When I get in I tell the associates I’ll be leaving early. I tell my boss too. And then I tell my fellow co-worker.
“Omg Shaz, do you need to talk?” she asks.
“Maybe later” I say.
I do my work and finally the time comes.
I wait in the doctor’s office and am roomed rather quickly. And doctor comes in rather quickly. He is not my usual OB/Gyne. But he was, a godsend.
“Tell me what happened” he says.
I tell him everything. And he listens. As a person, not as a doctor.
“Has this happened before?” he asks.
I nod. “It has but…it would go away within like an hour. It would also be mild. This is severe and going on for a day” I say crying.
He hands me a Kleenex, “I am sorry you are so sad. And I am sorry you are in pain” he says with genuine care in his eyes.
“Let’s do a pelvic ultrasound” he says.
Oh shit that uncomfortable thing. “I’d hate to that and not find anything. We’ve done it before and it hasn’t showed anything” I say.
“I’d hate to not to do it and you have something” he says.
So I go into the uncomfortable room. Undress. And the kind radiologist does it.
She says the same thing “tell me what happened”. I tell her too and she is understanding.
“We will make this as comfortable as possible for you. My job isn’t to hurt to you” she says.
And my god, she does make it comfortable. It only pinched a little.
“I hope you feel better” she says when we finish.
I go back in to my room and wait for the doctor.
He comes back and sits down. I take a deep breath.
“You have some cysts. About 5 of them. And it looks like one of them ruptured…” he says.
My eyes well up. “Did it happen because of what I did with my former partner” I ask.
He passes me the Kleenex again. “Most likely. It could have also been that exercise you did too. You said you went to spin class?”
“It could have been either. Don’t blame yourself. Women with PCOS get cysts” he says kindly.
I sigh. It’s almost like a sign from God I should never see “him” again. Like a punishment. Like-
“I want you to get some bed rest. Stay hydrated, get in as much electrolytes as you can. 3 Advils every 6 hours and stay away from carbs until the cysts go away which is 7-10 days” doctor says.
I nod. He explains we will be changing my PCOS treatment as well as it appears the treatment I was on was causing bad side effects. We discuss options and I choose one that I feel will be best.
“Anything else I can answer for you?” doctor asks.
I shake my head. “I hope you feel better” he says smiling.
I thank him and get on my way. This time when I drive, I thank God for good doctors and good healthcare. There are some things I am thankful for.
I call my parents when I get home. They are very caring. I order Red Lobster from Uber eats as shrimp is okay for me to eat. It’s comforting, but doesn’t take the pain away. I wonder if I should call a sick day then, or wait until morning. I decide morning. There may be a chance I can go into work.
But I get up at 5 again in pain. I decide not. I wait two hours and text my boss. She tells me to feel better.
My first sick day. 10 months without a sick day and here I am. I rest, I read, I shower, and I pray. I drink plenty of soup and drink lots of Gatorade. I finish crying whatever tears I had left of my situation.
I come back to work the next day in full swing. No tears. Pain yes, but I keep taking Advil.
I’m really lucky to have co-workers that care and parents that care as they kept me going. Friends and former partner- disappointing. But I know one day, I will find a good community and partner again.