I Moved to California (And I Regret It)

Well, after graduation, things picked up rather quickly. First, my parents introduced me to a guy in late May. You may think that’s strange…but it’s actually very common where they are from. For those of you who don’t know, I was brought up in U.S all my life so it was quite the experience for me. But I actually liked the guy and of course wasn’t having any luck finding a guy on my own so I thought why not. As the relationship picked up, we decided we could no longer do long distance. So for two and a half months, I looked for a job in said guy’s hometown (San Francisco!). In late August, I was hired at the top biotech company in the state.

So I I found a beautiful place to live in and moved out here.

It only took about one month to lose everything I moved out here for.

All in the order of how I got them! First, the guy. It just wasn’t working. I felt I deserved better, and my parents agreed. His family, disagreed. They were sad. I couldn’t blame them. I loved his parents, his sisters, and his nephews. But I didn’t see myself loving him.

Oh well. At least I still had my job right?

Wrong. Three weeks later, my department randomnly started doing lay offs! And that was that. My six month contract was suddenly reduced to one month. And I lost my job.

I was ready to buy a car, that went too because of the job loss.

My new townhouse? Well, obviously that too. Since I didn’t give my “one month notice” however (how could I, I was laid off so suddenly!!) my landlord said I must stay for one more month.

I should have known California would be bad luck for me. I did look for jobs everywhere, but, the only place that offered me a job was here- and it just so happened my significant other was here too so it all seemed perfect at the time.

Sigh. Sometimes things happen for the best. I think God’s showing me I am meant to be in a better state, with a better job, and a better person.

For the time being, since I am here anyways I am making the best of my last few weeks here. I am seeing friends, applying to new jobs, and exploring new things!

Wish me luck, and if you pray- please pray for me ❤

What have you been up to since I graduated in May? Comment below!

xoxo. S

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On the Eve of the Eve of My Master’s Graduation

And there is it is. Two years ago I showed up in Boston, now in two days I will be graduating! I have passed all my classes with flying colors and was honored at a reception last week. Tomorrow is another reception (where I am being honored with another award!)

So why am I not happy?

Well. “Prince Player” and I have barely spoken. “Scientist” and I are over on account of I told him I’m leaving Boston, and he did not come say goodbye.

Imagine, me sitting with my hair and makeup all done, still have a billion things left to say to him- and he didn’t come see me.

It was like the “Prince Player” situation all over again. How could this have happened to me TWICE in the last month? That is a record for Shaz. And it’s sa

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d because I really liked “Scientist”. I should have known better than to open up my heart when it was already broken.

On top of that, I have cramps and a cold. I was watching my favorite show “This is Us” last night, and Randall said “When it rains, it feels like it’s pouring”. 

And then my brother who was supposed to fly in tonight told me he chose a later flight because he got caught up with more work and so I won’t see him until tomorrow 😦

And that is how the eve of the eve of my Master’s graduation is going.

xoxo. S.

Rejection

A month ago, my life was great. I had two companies fighting for me, a guy that I had been deeply missing visiting me, and a set of plans as to what to do after graduation.

I don’t really have anything now.

I was sitting in a review session yesterday, excited out of my mind to take my last EVER final. And I got this email I didn’t expect. “While we were impressed with your background, we decided to go in a different direction…”

My eyes widened. That was the company I had a FOURTH interview with. I had banked on working for them, staying in Boston forever. My. dream. job.

My eyes well up in the classroom. I swallow. I text my dad the email.

And he makes me smile.

Alexander-Graham-Bell-Quotes-2“Don’t worry too much about this. Your grandfather once told me this quote. *When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us*. 

He was right. There is a company who has shown interest in me that I have been ignoring and I think I will give them a shot.

I also started to think about my love dilemma.

It was applicable there too. I focused too much on my “closed door” (Prince Player) that I failed to see the open door (Scientist). And I don’t think I can ever get Scientist back.

But as my dad said after we talked for a bit, “You learned. And that’s what’s important”.

Indeed.

xoxo. S.

Uncertainty

Have you ever been in uncertainty? How did you cope?cf26080b4bc5bf320fd707b876c0abe0

I have been in uncertainty for about a month now. April and May was supposed to be fun. Two months of festivities due to graduation and my hard work.

Unfortunately, it has been nothing but uncertainty.

In love…

The day I saw “Prince Player” last, I went to the gym to release my anxiety. I go faster and faster and faster on the treadmill as my mind becomes flooded with confusion.

I was his “lovebug”.

For six years, we witnessed each other’s ups and downs.

We always believed in each other.

I see a hand on the tredmill.

It’s my friend Gigi.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP! YOU ARE GOING WAY TOO FAST!” she says.

I stop and gasp for air.

“I need to go home” I tell her. I go home and stare at the ceiling. I wonder how player and I ended up here (as mentioned in the last post).

The next day, when I seek player’s attention and realize isn’t coming back, I go out. And the very unexpected happens. I re-connect with a graduate student (let’s call him *Scientist* because that is what he does for a living) I met a while ago.

I’m angry, sad, and hurt over “Prince Player”. But Scientist and I hit it off. We schedule a date for the week and I am nervous.

Much to my surprise, I actually enjoy my time with him. For a mechanical engineering PHD student, he certainly has a lot of charm. I ask him when his birthday is. He mentions a date in October.

“Oh you’re a Libra! Phew” I say.

“Nope. Scorpio” he says.

My eyes widen. “OH MY GOD. NO!” I say.

We both laugh.

“I can’t” I say on account of Prince Player being a Scorpio.

“Hey, I’m one of the good kind!” Scientist says.

I smirk. “I hope so.”

He walks me home. He has heard all about the Prince Player story.

“After that happened. I bought a 6 pack of Insomnia cookies” I said embarrassed.

“Oh my god. I bought one of those this past weekend too!” he says. And I laugh no longer feeling embarrassed.

We talk some more. I talk about how nervous I am, dating again. “Hey, I am on a mission to prove to you I am a good Scorpio” he says. I laugh “Okayyyy”.

When we reach my place, he kisses my cheek. “This was so much fun! We definitely have to do this again”. I smile.

I lay on my bed once I reach my apartment. It’s strange because, I felt sad. Scientist could never replace Prince Player.

And it was even more strange because, although I didn’t feel any romantic feelings for Scientist- I had this strange happy feeling inside of me. One that I haven’t felt in a long time.

The next morning I woke up for my early morning class, I was happy and full of energy. I wasn’t tired and irritable as I usually was.

I should have noticed the signs that I actually liked Scientist. But I just thought I was happy from having a nice night out instead of being in my room moping.

Which is why when he asks me out again a few days later, I didn’t say no.

And then he kissed me.

And that’s when I had to let it go.

“I’m too overwhelmed right now, I need space” I say.

“I feel that” he says.

When he leaves I feel terrible.

The next morning I wake up. And feel even more terrible. Because Scientist has shown nothing but love to me and I pushed him away because he was nothing like Prince Player.

I tell Scientist we should talk. He agrees and we set up another date.

This date goes very well in terms of I have gotten over the “Prince Player” situation and can fully focus on the Scientist. Finally Scientist and I are on the same page, both of us like each other and admit we enjoy our time together.

And then he says he has to tell me something. I laugh, unafraid, because I have so much experience with Prince Player telling me things I didn’t want to hear. Surely whatever Scientist had to say wouldn’t be that bad.

“I have dated two girls from your Masters program.”

My jaw drops.

And then he says their names. Fuck. I know both of them.

I. can’t. do. this. I mumble about how uncomfortable this makes me.

“Look. I get that you see them all the time, and it could be awkward,  but you are graduating in a month” Scientist says trying to comfort me.

Yea… true. But what he doesn’t know is this is like the Prince Player situation from 5 years ago. Except Prince Player didn’t tell me. And Scientist dated these girls in the past, not when he was seeing me.

“Do you need space?” Scientist asks.

“No. no. no. Just- no” I say on account of I asked for space last time and I regretted it.

“No more dating girls from my program, ok?” I say.

He smiles. “Noted” he says.

We talk it out some more and he leaves. I shake my head. Why does things like this always happen to me? I see both of the girls at an event the next day. I smile politely and speak like a lady like I don’t know their history.

But I eventually get over it. Scientist seems to be a nice guy, and the past is the past. Right?

Except. I don’t know what he’s thinking. Because. He hasn’t asked me out since then.

Uncertainty.

And I still haven’t heard from “Prince Player”.

Uncertainty.

In job hunting…

I reached the third round of interview for my favorite company. I was so sure they wanted to hire me and I would have an offer by now, all set by graduation. But I haven’t heard a thing- and instead of staying in Boston, I am returning home to Texas.

Two years ago I was complaining I had too many offers and couldn’t decide. I would kill to be in that position right now. Having too many offers is better than having zero.

Uncertainty.

Tonight I close my eyes again and just wonder how I got here. A bright girl with big hopes and dreams, but now broken and unsure what to do. My gut says if I be patient, the answers will come to me in time for graduation. But that’s just my gut.

Uncertainty.

xoxo. S.

Almost is Never Enough Part 2

*Written a few weeks ago, continued from Almost is Never Enough

I close my eyes and think about how player and I got here.

I think about my freshman year of college, I was always- waiting. I put so much pressure on myself to do well in school, and I just couldn’t do to the very difficult major I was pursuing. Being with player and other friends was my only source of happiness during that time.

But, player wasn’t always around. He would say he would visit, and I would wait and wait and finally text him to check on our plans, only to have him cancel.

This is what happened in Boston too.

I stare at the ceiling as I wait for him. My eyes wet from tears. I ask God to give me a sign that there is still something left of me and player.

But instead, I got a sign that there definitely wasn’t. I cry and cry and cry. I waited two years for this moment.

Yes, player was sick. But. It would have been nice to grab a coffee with him before he left.

When his weekend here concludes, I wonder if he made it back to Chicago okay.

I don’t even get that information.

I close my eyes and think of our happy moments amongst the bad.

There was that time I thought I failed Microbiology and I thought I would have to re-take it for the third time. He held me and said “it’s okay”. And only a few weeks later, I found out I got into graduate school and he said “see babe, I told you everything will be okay!”

There were those times he walked me home. I felt so safe. 

There were those times he would randomly text “Hi” and I would wonder what was up and he would say, “I miss you <3”

I sigh. I look at the wine he gave me as a gift. I pour myself a glass. And then another one.

I lay back in bed and close my eyes.

What the hell was I doing?

I am Shaz.

I am strong.

I am smart.

I am beautiful.

I am a month away from graduating from a top 10 graduate school. I won’t let my broken heart get to me like it did 5 years ago.

xoxo. S.

Almost is Never Enough

I always waited for the day “Prince Player” and I would reunite. Like actually reunite. I loved seeing him in the bakery when I went to visit Chicago a few months ago, but the time was not enough. And I felt my heart feel empty.

Which is why I was excited when I found out he was coming to Boston. This was it. Finally, after two long years, I could hold one of my favorite people again.

“You guys are like a Nicholas Sparks movie” my mother once said about us. Meh. Not really.

Anyways, the week leading up to his visit was crazy. I had an event every day and assignments due. But still, I got my hair done, I got my nails done, I got ready! I couldn’t believe the day was finally here.

I had a long day the day before he visited, but I couldn’t sleep. I was just so excited.

Finally, the sun rises and I notice I have a text from him. He was almost here!

I quickly get ready and wait.

And finally he was here.

I see, him smirk, the way, he always smirked at me. And. I die inside.

I’m overwhelmed with joy inside.

We catch up on what’s been going on in our lives, and it is just like old times.

Except it isn’t. I see an empty stare in his eyes.

I know that look. I myself  had that look a hundred times. It is a look of anxiety and worry.

“Is everything okay?” I ask him.

He looks away. “Mhm, just nervous about the conference”. He says.

I understand. He was in Boston for a conference, just like I was a few years ago when I first visited Boston. We all remember how anxious I was!

Anyways, I tell player not to worry. And that I will check in with him from time to time. And I’ll see him later that night.

So we get on with our days. I go to school and player goes to his conference. When we reunite later in the evening, I’m excited to catch up with him more. We go to one of my favorite restaurant’s.

We talk about some memories from college and our favorite musicians. He mentions he no longer likes pop music, except maybe Ariana Grande. I like her too. I ask him what his favorite song by her is. He says it’s “Almost is Never Good Enough” and gives me that smirk he does. And I give it back. Because of course that is his favorite song.

But, something still isn’t right. He hasn’t said anything about me.

Where is our chemistry. Where are our happy memories from knowing each other for 6 years. Where is my “Prince Player”.

I feel sick. My gluten allergy is acting up and interrupts my thoughts.

“If you’re not feeling well we could go…” Prince Player says.

I smile and shake my head. There’s player. Caring and kind.

When we finish our meals, we head back to my place. I lay down next  to him.

“Um. I’m feeling tired” he says.

“Sorry” he says getting up.

“Oh no it’s fine” I say. My heart hurts. It’s like I’m a ghost.

I can’t do this. I need to sleep. I turn off the lights and lay down turning my face.

“Good night!” Player says.

“Good night” I say trying not to reveal my sadness.

In the middle of the night, I feel sick to my stomach. I vomit and feel crummy. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten gluten.

I go back to sleep and wake up early. I feel physically and mentally crummy. I am supposed to workout with my trainer later in the morning, but I cancel it on account of the circumstances.

Player is up and about getting ready for his conference. He no longer looks nervous, but seems to have a cold. Still, he says he will be by in the evening so we can hang out.

I nod and stare at him.

We give each other a kiss. And he heads out.

I should have known, he would not be coming back to see me.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

Avicii

Yesterday, I was getting ready for my formal when I saw the news on my phone. Avicii, one of my favorite musicians, passed away at 28. I was in disbelief.

Avicii is what brought me comfort during my toughest of times. I always play his music when I’m sad, stressed, or getting myself ready for a big event. And I instantly feel better. His music was healing to my family, and to my soul. We loved him.

I’m sad 😦

Here are my four songs:

May his energy and talent always be remembered ❤