Almost is Never Enough Part 2

*Written a few weeks ago, continued from Almost is Never Enough

I close my eyes and think about how player and I got here.

I think about my freshman year of college, I was always- waiting. I put so much pressure on myself to do well in school, and I just couldn’t do to the very difficult major I was pursuing. Being with player and other friends was my only source of happiness during that time.

But, player wasn’t always around. He would say he would visit, and I would wait and wait and finally text him to check on our plans, only to have him cancel.

This is what happened in Boston too.

I stare at the ceiling as I wait for him. My eyes wet from tears. I ask God to give me a sign that there is still something left of me and player.

But instead, I got a sign that there definitely wasn’t. I cry and cry and cry. I waited two years for this moment.

Yes, player was sick. But. It would have been nice to grab a coffee with him before he left.

When his weekend here concludes, I wonder if he made it back to Chicago okay.

I don’t even get that information.

I close my eyes and think of our happy moments amongst the bad.

There was that time I thought I failed Microbiology and I thought I would have to re-take it for the third time. He held me and said “it’s okay”. And only a few weeks later, I found out I got into graduate school and he said “see babe, I told you everything will be okay!”

There were those times he walked me home. I felt so safe. 

There were those times he would randomly text “Hi” and I would wonder what was up and he would say, “I miss you <3”

I sigh. I look at the wine he gave me as a gift. I pour myself a glass. And then another one.

I lay back in bed and close my eyes.

What the hell was I doing?

I am Shaz.

I am strong.

I am smart.

I am beautiful.

I am a month away from graduating from a top 10 graduate school. I won’t let my broken heart get to me like it did 5 years ago.

xoxo. S.

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Almost is Never Enough

I always waited for the day “Prince Player” and I would reunite. Like actually reunite. I loved seeing him in the bakery when I went to visit Chicago a few months ago, but the time was not enough. And I felt my heart feel empty.

Which is why I was excited when I found out he was coming to Boston. This was it. Finally, after two long years, I could hold one of my favorite people again.

“You guys are like a Nicholas Sparks movie” my mother once said about us. Meh. Not really.

Anyways, the week leading up to his visit was crazy. I had an event every day and assignments due. But still, I got my hair done, I got my nails done, I got ready! I couldn’t believe the day was finally here.

I had a long day the day before he visited, but I couldn’t sleep. I was just so excited.

Finally, the sun rises and I notice I have a text from him. He was almost here!

I quickly get ready and wait.

And finally he was here.

I see, him smirk, the way, he always smirked at me. And. I die inside.

I’m overwhelmed with joy inside.

We catch up on what’s been going on in our lives, and it is just like old times.

Except it isn’t. I see an empty stare in his eyes.

I know that look. I myself  had that look a hundred times. It is a look of anxiety and worry.

“Is everything okay?” I ask him.

He looks away. “Mhm, just nervous about the conference”. He says.

I understand. He was in Boston for a conference, just like I was a few years ago when I first visited Boston. We all remember how anxious I was!

Anyways, I tell player not to worry. And that I will check in with him from time to time. And I’ll see him later that night.

So we get on with our days. I go to school and player goes to his conference. When we reunite later in the evening, I’m excited to catch up with him more. We go to one of my favorite restaurant’s.

We talk about some memories from college and our favorite musicians. He mentions he no longer likes pop music, except maybe Ariana Grande. I like her too. I ask him what his favorite song by her is. He says it’s “Almost is Never Good Enough” and gives me that smirk he does. And I give it back. Because of course that is his favorite song.

But, something still isn’t right. He hasn’t said anything about me.

Where is our chemistry. Where are our happy memories from knowing each other for 6 years. Where is my “Prince Player”.

I feel sick. My gluten allergy is acting up and interrupts my thoughts.

“If you’re not feeling well we could go…” Prince Player says.

I smile and shake my head. There’s player. Caring and kind.

When we finish our meals, we head back to my place. I lay down next  to him.

“Um. I’m feeling tired” he says.

“Sorry” he says getting up.

“Oh no it’s fine” I say. My heart hurts. It’s like I’m a ghost.

I can’t do this. I need to sleep. I turn off the lights and lay down turning my face.

“Good night!” Player says.

“Good night” I say trying not to reveal my sadness.

In the middle of the night, I feel sick to my stomach. I vomit and feel crummy. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten gluten.

I go back to sleep and wake up early. I feel physically and mentally crummy. I am supposed to workout with my trainer later in the morning, but I cancel it on account of the circumstances.

Player is up and about getting ready for his conference. He no longer looks nervous, but seems to have a cold. Still, he says he will be by in the evening so we can hang out.

I nod and stare at him.

We give each other a kiss. And he heads out.

I should have known, he would not be coming back to see me.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

Avicii

Yesterday, I was getting ready for my formal when I saw the news on my phone. Avicii, one of my favorite musicians, passed away at 28. I was in disbelief.

Avicii is what brought me comfort during my toughest of times. I always play his music when I’m sad, stressed, or getting myself ready for a big event. And I instantly feel better. His music was healing to my family, and to my soul. We loved him.

I’m sad 😦

Here are my four songs:

May his energy and talent always be remembered ❤

On going abroad, family, and jet lag…

It is now 6 am here in Boston, my hair and makeup are done and I am ready for mytravel_quote3-680x510 day…even though it doesn’t begin until 10.

I just got back from visiting Dubai and India and man am I jet lagged. The trip itself was better than what I expected.

I was very nervous for the trip because I knew of my pestering relatives who would ask the usual questions they ask a girl past the age of 20: “So when do you plan to get married?” “Have you put on some weight?” “Don’t you want to have kids??”

Meh. But my parents were very supportive and helped me answer those questions.

It was also VERY hot in both countries. And AC was very limited.

Aside from these, it was nice to see my family. I got to see my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, and my cousins who I have been missing for a long time.

I also had delicious food that took me back to my childhood.

While I was away, I briefly chatted with “Prince Player”. This was new. The last time I went to Dubai and India, it was when I was oh…18. I was very heartbroken and listened to “Wanted You More” by Lady Antebellum on repeat for the 19 hour flight. I met “Prince Player” only a few weeks later when college began. I have been to India since but never spoke with him while I was away.

This time I did and I was happy!

The flight was long as usual. On the way there, it was alright because I was excited and the time went by quickly. On the way back, it was terrible because I missed my family and the uncomfortable feeling of sitting for 19 hours really got to me.

So overall, my trip was fine but the jet lag…is severe.

It is so hard being back. Yes, it is so nice to have air conditioning, pizza, Starbucks, and Dunkin Donuts again.

BUT I CAN’T STOP SLEEPING. And then being awake at odd times.

As if God heard my concerns, we had a snow day yesterday! It was supposed to be my first day back but I got an extra day to rest 🙂 Thank you blizzard ❤

But that is not the case today. I have class and other important events today.

Jet lag is a terrible, terrible, terrible feeling. I know I have experienced it before but I feel the older we get, the harder it is. Your tips are greatly appreciated ❤

xoxo. S.