5 Things People Do on Snapchat That Give Me Anxiety

FullSizeRender(27)When you open my snap, but don’t respond. Was it something I said? Or snapped?

When we’ve been snapping for days/weeks but that little heart (that notifies you of that) next to your name disappears when you stop snapping me. I sense a breakup coming…

When I open my phone to see it loaded with updates…but it’s 5 snaps in a row from you of things that don’t pertain to our relationship. I watch your Snapchat story for those love.

When you watch my Snapchat story, and act like you didn’t see it. Snapchat does not lie.

When I or you find out your/my “big news” on Snapchat. Since when does Snapchat replace a heartful conversation?? Call me fool.

But then there’s things out of our control.

Like when we want to watch our friend’s story, but the update causes you to watch the next person’s story as well as it automatically plays next… Oh my god no!!! I don’t want to know what they’re up to!! HALP!!!

And then there’s the nice things.

Like when I’m sick and you offer to bring me soup. Oh you❤

Like when I’m about to do a big show and I snap about my nerves and you send me words of encouragement. Oh you❤

Like when I’m sad and you send me pics of quotes that lift me up. Oh you❤

Like when I do my “Snapchat Vlogs” thinking I’m some celebrity and you comment on how hilarious it was. Oh you❤

Out of all social media platforms, Snapchat is my favorite. My dream is to become a Snapchat star. I’m serious. Maybe. Anyways…what do you like/dislike about Snapchat? Comment below!

xoxo. S.

What No One Tells You About the Summer After College

I see him and his girl walking my way. I ignore them, but his girl somehow knows me and says “Hey Shahz”. I guess her name, she says it’s correct. “Prince Player” pulls me aside and says, “Hey. I’m not having a good time with her. I’m going to let her go and come over in a few minutes okay?” Although I know that’s a total player move, I smile and accept his offer. We have one of our best night’s yet.

My phone rings. I rub my eyes. It’s Mr. Photography dude.

“You’re not going to believe this dream I had” I say immediately.

He laughs. “Something tells me I will”.

I tell him. “What a bunch of bullshit! That would never happen Shaz!” I could hear him laughing so loud.

I gasp shocked I even had such a dream. “I know. He’s not that evil” I say.

He laughs. “You won’t believe the dream I had” he says. “I had a dream, you met this aspiring astronaut from MIT, and I got to be your guys’s best man!”

I choke on my toothpaste. “Yea. That will never happen either” I say.

“I thought dreams come true” he says.

I sigh. “They do. If they are meant to be. My mom told me the other day, she’s sending me to Boston to find a nice smart Arab boy. Do you believe this?”

Now he is really laughing. “Yes”.

“She said she expected me to find one at (our undergrad university). Do you believe that? She said with the “huge Arab population” she’s shocked I didn’t!” I say.

He laughs. “Well you did find one…it just didn’t work out in the end…”

Oh yea. I sigh.

He sighs back. “So how’s everything going?” he asks. Mr. Photography dude was supposed to go back to Egypt after graduation, but a lot of things happened, and he got a full time job- so he decided to stay. Like all my other friends. They’re all in Chicago without me. I’m so jealous.

“Not good. I can’t find a place to live in Boston. “Heart” got this funding to go to Africa and is there right now. All our friends have a full time job and I’m preparing for more school. I’m so bored all the time here. I-”

“Okay, okay so there’s a lot” he says. “Don’t. get. anxious. Shahz” he says slowly.

I take a deep breathe. “I won’t”.

Out of all the things college prepares you for, there’s one thing it doesn’t prepare you for- what the hell to do if you don’t have a full time job. And you see all these changes around you. Even if it’s just for the summer, waiting for your next few years of schooling to begin in a new city. They never tell you what to do during that time. Here’s my observations.

You’ll be jealous. Of you’re friends that are still in the city of your school. It happens.

You will have lots of dreams of everyone you miss (and don’t miss) at college. *Cue the first paragraph*. Be it about your friends, lovers,they will appear in your dreams. Oh and, you will make an appearance in their dreams as well.

You’ll reflect on your mistakes. And you will understand that despite them, you survived (and learned from it???)

Your friendship circle will change (slightly). I’m sorry to have to break this to you. Of course, the best of the best of your friends and you will still stay tight. But the friends from Stats class? The friends from your dorm? Mmmm not so sure :0

You’ll pick up new hobbies. My new hobby is taking jogs at 8 in the morning and kayaking around the lake in the evening. Wait what? When did I ever do that before?

BUT…

Who said it will be bad?

You’ll move somewhere new. Moves are exciting. You get to buy so many new things and start over! What’s more exciting than a clean slate?

You’re dreams will serve as a gentle reminder of the people that love you.

Yes you made mistakes, but everyone makes mistakes. You will learn to forgive yourself.

Yes your friendship circles will change…But BFFs will stay by you no matter what. And,FullSizeRender(29) you will make lots of new friends!

You’ll pick up new hobbies. There’s nothing wrong with this.

What did no one tell you about those first few months after college? Comment below! Also, recently, I was invited to guest blog over at Aaron’s The Confusing Middle about my future plans! Please check it out if you want to know more: More School… But Why??

That reminds me. My new hobby is finding talented bloggers to appear on For the Love of Sass:) Are you interested in contributing something? Shoot me an email! Our first guest will be appearing soon!

xoxo. S.

 

So I Guess This is Where My New Book Begins

(this is continued from “My Last Day in Chicago”). I suck in my cheeks. I hear Sahd knock on my door.

Mr. Photography dude and I rush to do the door. He is so up to something.

“Hey guys” Sahd says. He greets Mr. Photography dude and then me. “You ready?” he asks.

I shake my head. “It will be okay” he says.

All the things I planned to donate were all packed so we started loading them into Sahd’s car. When we’re done, Mr. Photography dude says he is really hungry and wants to go to Starbucks and I can go drop off the first round of my things with Sahd in the meantime :0 Sidekick says he will tag along but Mr. Photography dude gives him a look. OH MY GOD!

“Okay. We’ll see you guys in a bit” Sahd says. I shake my head at my best friends, Mr. Photography dude winks.

I get into Sahd’s car. It is lovely and nice as it was 2 years ago when he took me out.

The radio turns on and blasts out Adele’s When We Were Young. I get excited. “YES!!! This is my favorite song!!! It is so relevant to my life right now” I say.

“Can I have this moment before I go? Cuz I’ve been all by myself all night long. Hoping you’re someone, I used to knowwww. You look like a movie, you sound like a song” I sing.

Sahd laughs. “Who are you dedicating it to? The player?”

I turn down the song and smile. “Everyone that I’m leaving”.

I update Sahd on things that have happened, considering the last time we spoke- the 2nd worst conversation that has happened between me and Prince Player happened.

“So you had a nice goodbye with him?”

I look at the window and nod. “Yea. It was good”.

He laughs. “Why do you sound disappointed?”

“I’m not” I say.

We stay silent for a while. “I worked my ass off and got everything I wanted here at college. I won many awards, I made the Dean’s list, I got into one of the best graduate programs in the country. And yet. I couldn’t find my dream guy” I say.

“I know why you’re upset. You wanted more yesterday. You wanted him to take you out to a nice restaurant. Take endless selfies. Go to your place and stay for hours. Look at your skyline view. Am I right?” Sahd asks disregarding my statement.

“Sahd!” I say laughing.

“What?” he asks laughing. “I know you okay. He says you act like a ‘princess’ but I think you are just a normal girl with normal wishes” he says.

I stay quiet.  “At least he came okay? Did you hear about ‘Heart’?” I ask.

He nods. “It’s different. You guys fell apart last year” he says.

We stay quiet. “How come we never became anything serious Shahz?”

Oh hell. It is now time to finish the conversation we never had.

I look out the window and sigh.

“What? Shahz look at me. Don’t act like you didn’t have feelings for me. When I took you out, I felt it and you felt it” Sahd says.

I look at my fingernails. “I know. But the timing was wrong. And it’s still wrong. I am a mess. I am a really sweet, funny, pretty girl- that’s why you like me right?”

Sahd nods. “Yea, that’s why I liked you”.

“Well that’s just me on the outside. On the inside I’m struggling and I don’t know what I want. I have anxiety attacks. I’m insecure. I’m stubborn. I’m jealous. Why would you want to put yourself through that?” I ask.

Sahd pulls into the Salvation Army parking lot. I get up to start unloading my things.

“Wait” he says. I do.

“The only reason why you would even say that is because guys like ‘Prince Player’ got 51V5niRtIrL._SY300_upset by it and called you something like ‘Princess’. Not every guy will be like that, I’m not. We all have our own insecurities. Hell I got jealous every time you talked about “Heart” that day.”

I laugh. Someone comes to help us unload my things. We get back in the car.

“That day we went out. You said something. Do you remember? That Marilyn Munroe quote?”

I think back. “Yes. Yes I do. Oh how I wish these guys would have stood next to me when I won my award. Or attended my shows. Or supported me at my best” I say sadly.

“I would have” Sahd says.

Oh goodness. I squeeze his hand. “I know”.

“Text Mr. Photography dude saying we need an extra 15 minutes” Sahd says.

“Why?” I ask. “Just do it, I have a surprise for you” he says. I raise my eyebrows and do as I’m told.

“K take your time ;)” Mr. Photography dude responds immediately.

Christ.

A few minutes later we arrive. At the place, we went to two years ago.

“Oh my god” I say.

The smell of different ice cream flavors and waffle cone surround me. “Ice cream at 11am” I say.

He shrugs. “One time you told me you can eat ice cream for breakfast or dinner.”

I laugh. I can’t believe he remembered. I order my favorites, Salted Caramel and Berry Crisp. Of course, he pays before I can even reach my purse.

“Be a princess” he says. I laugh.

We grab our ice cream and take a walk around the city. My last walk in Chicago:/

“Remember the last time we came here you got the Whiskey Pecan ice cream?”

I laugh. “Oh my god. Yea! And you were turned on by what a bad Arab girl I was” I say winking.

He laughs. “Yea. That’s what did it.”

“It wasn’t enough to get me wasted” I say.

“That’s a shame. You would be funny” he says. “I know believe me” I say.

“We should probably get going” he says looking at his watch.

When we get back into Sahd’s car, I show Sahd the book I almost donated.

“It’s my sex book” I say.

“I’m sorry what?” Sahd asks.

I laugh. “I’m serious this book is all about sex.It’s about the love lives of Arab/Muslim men and women” I say.

“Oh how nice. That something like that exists.”

“Would you like me to read you a story? I read one to ‘Heart’ once” I say.

“Uh okay I guess” Sahd says trying not to laugh.

I turn to a random page. “Her bare breasts were rubbing against my back. She was a sweet girl, I couldn’t believe it” I read.

Sahd begins laughing. “I told you Sahd. Us Arab/Muslim girls aren’t innocent! We have needs too” Now Sahd is really laughing.

“You’re so funny” he says. “I think people will really miss your quirkiness and ability to make them laugh.” It’s so sweet. I almost cry.

We reach my place. “So, what’d you guys do?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

“We read her sex book” Sahd says.

Mr. Photography dude raises his eyebrows. “Ohhhh. Salaam Love. Yea it’s one of her favorites” he says. I laugh. We go back to grab the remainder of my things and drive back to the Salvation Army.

13567089_846822878786883_3375626057729365597_n“Shahz what was the most shocking thing that happened to you in college?” Sidekick asks.

“Finding out Prince Player hooked up with our mutual friend. And then his best friend. You know us three girls were all together sitting at the same table once?” I ask sadly.

“Oh lord. Shahz it’s your last day in Chicago! Let it go!” Mr. Photography dude says.

“I would never hook up with you” I tell him.

“Ain’t that a shame” Mr. Photography dude says. Sahd twitches.

“What? Because it would ruin our friendship! I love you too much to hurt you or the other way around…” I say.

“Aw” Mr. Photography dude hugs me. “Although these days everyone is ‘marrying their best friend'”

I give him my biggest evil stare. “No”.

“Shahz is going to go to Boston and meet a nice guy. From Harvard. Or just someone that will see just how special she is” Sahd says.

“You see. That’s exactly what I told her!” Mr. Photography dude says.

“No guys. I said the same exact thing when I came here. I thought I’d find my husband here and be one of those lovely people ‘that met their spouse at college'” I say.

“Oh god” Mr. Photography dude says.

“40 bucks says Shahz keeps in touch with Player and they meet again when he goes up to Boston or she goes up to his hometown” Sidekick says.

Mr. Photography dude’s jaw drops. “80 bucks says Shahz meets the man that deserves her and treats her right in Boston and we’ll be at their wedding.”

I look at Sahd and roll my eyes. “They’re gambling on my love life” I say.

“100 bucks says I meet no one and move back to Chicago” I yell back. They laugh. “That’s fine, we’ll all be here. Waiting for you”.

And then I realize why everyone was much sadder than me as I said goodbye to them. Because I’m the one leaving. I know I’m moving on to bigger and better things. But my friends here? They will be here. They will go about their day to day routine. I close my eyes. As I finally realize why “Prince Player” wanted to say goodbye to me quickly. But still, I have lived in Chicago more years than any of my friends have. This, was my home before any of there’s.

When we get back, it’s time to say goodbye. First it’s Sahd, “I’m so proud of everything you’ve done. Keep slaying. Don’t fall in love with any assholes” I laugh and we kiss on both cheeks. Then it’s Sidekick, “I’ll miss you. Take care” he says as we hug. Then it’s Mr. Photography dude. He gives me something. “I got you thiFullSizeRender(22)s” he says.

I look at it. It’s all pink like me.”A journal?” I ask smiling.

“Yea. You’re old one has so much trash in it. I hope you can write better stuff in this” he says as he hugs me and kisses me on both cheeks.

I hold him in a tight hug and try my hardest not to cry.”So this is where my new book begins”.

xoxo. S.

My Last Day in Chicago

June 15th- My mom always told me, that there is a “good” in goodbye. I was struggling to find that good when I woke up to start packing again at 8. The pain of saying goodbye to “Prince Player” and my other friends felt like a dagger in my chest. I take a deep breath and drag myself out of bed.

5 minutes later, Mr. Photography dude, Sidekick, and Mariam arrive to help me pack my stuff and say goodbye.

I open the door. All of them look sad. I stare at them.

“Okay guys come on, don’t make this hard for me!” I say laughing.

I make us all some coffee and we talk about our favorite memories as we pack.

“I remember she was really photogenic when she wanted to be. We all wanted to take pictures of her and she would do these seductive poses” Mr. Photography dude says reminiscing of our boring photography class that I never liked.

“I’ll remember her stories. She has extremely funny stories” Sidekick says.

Mariam comes to me. “I’ll remember this one’s smile and heart. She sees the good in everyone. Even the devil…” she says. I laugh.

img_3059“On that note, I gotta go” Mariam has a summer class and has to get going. We go out in the hallway of my apartment, she holds me and takes something out of her purse. “You were like, a brightness into my life and so many others- you give us hope. Through all the shit you went through. Keep holding on and making people happy. I got this for you when I was one my medical trip in Palestine” she hands me a beautiful scarf.

I hold the scarf to my chest, my eyes well up with tears. “It will keep you warm in Boston” she says with a wink. If I spoke, I knew I would cry, so I just smile.”Ma, sallama habibti (goodbye my darling). Call me as soon as you get home, and you better believe I’ll visit you in Boston soon!” she says. I hug her goodbye and come back into my apartment. I rest my back against the door and take a deep breath.

Oomph. And I thought “Prince Player’s” goodbye was rough.

“Hey Shahz, do you want to keep your freshman year diary?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

I raise my eyebrows. For goodness sake it is a journal. “No…” I say.

“Are you sure? It looks like it may have something interesting in it!” he says.

I laugh. My freshman year was so boring, I doubt it. “Read a page. I dare you” I say laughing.

“Okay” Mr. Photography says shrugging. “Oh” he says after a moment.

Sidekick and I stop packing. “What?” I ask.

FullSizeRender(22)“Today was a horrible day. Player just left and he barely had anything to say. He said it is true he hooked up with our friend. And that he did not go all the way with her because “he didn’t have a condom”. But that was just an excuse for the fact he didn’t want to have sex with her. I can’t stop crying. What the heck? Why couldn’t he just tell her he didn’t want to do it and tell the truth? Why did he have to make an excuse like that? Because he wants to be cooler than he already is. This is not the player I was once interested in. And he says all they did was kiss. Ugh. I don’t care. When we kiss, it isn’t just “kissing”. So no. It doesn’t matter. I’m still upset. And then he admitted we can’t really do anything because he is seeing this other girl I know. You know what. This is all just really pointless and I need to move on” he reads.

I pause. I feel my blood boil. That was quite an upsetting day. Then I begin laughing. Then they both begin laughing. “That was baby Shaz talking you guys!” I say.

“Give me that” I say.

“Hey hey hey. Shh. I want to find something without Player”. Since he has already read the worst discovery that happened to me during my 4 years of college, I let him peer through.

“Ah, this looks good” he says. I raise my eyebrows, it better be. These old memories really have my stomach in a knot as much as I try to hide it.

“I think I like Sahd” he begins. My head jerks up. Shit. I’m pretty sure I don’t.

“DON’T READ THAT!” I say.

“Well Shahz, there’s a skeleton I didn’t expect to find” Mr. Photography dude says.

“Just read another one. Any other one. Please” I say.

“Fine. Jeez” he flips to another page. And he smiles and begins reading.

“I think I am in love. Today I was sad, and ‘Heart’ texted me saying ‘Smile Princess! I don’t want you to be upset’. I love how loyal ‘Heart’ is. He told me he can’t think of any other girl besides me. He checks up on me often, he reminds me of how proud he is of me, and encourages me to do my best. I told him about ‘Prince Player’ the other day and he said ‘Sucks for him. I have you now’:) How did I find someone like ‘Heart’. He brings out the best in me. He is my dream come true.”

I had been facing the wall as I listened to this entry. I turn around after a minute. “Have you ever noticed good things don’t last?” I ask.

We all stay silent. “Heart” knew I was leaving, but never came to say goodbye although he said he would.

“Now Shahz. He said ‘inshallah you guys will see each other’ Meaning ‘god-willing’ you guys will see each other. God, does not will! He has someone better in mind for you!” Mr. Photography dude says.

“Like Player?” I ask smiling.

“No. Please no. I mean some nice mature guy from Harvard that you’ll meet in Boston” he says.

I roll my eyes. “No.”

“No” he says mocking me. “You’re so cute.”

I stick my tongue out at him. We talk about my previous night with “Prince Player”.

“I didn’t even get a picture with him!” I say.

youre-gonna-miss-me-youre-gonna-miss-me-by-my-hair-youre-gonna-miss-me-everywhere-youre-gonna-miss-m-155893“Why would you want to get a picture with him?” Mr. Photography dude asks. “Remember what happened when you took that picture with ‘Heart’? You stare at it and cry every time” he says.

“Oh yea. I just want to remember us. That goodbye was so quick. It hurt like a wax strip. Quick and painful.”

“Wallah what did you expect Shahz? You know goodbyes so well. Weren’t you the one that said every time you say goodbye to your dad, you give him a quick kiss and hug and you’re out? Because that speech and prayer he gives you for 15 minutes makes you cry?”

Oh yeah. “Shit. This must have been hard for player. He must care about me more than I think he does” I say wiping the kitchen counter.

Mr. Photography dude nods. “So does this mean you’re going to leave soon too? To prevent you from being sad?”

Mr. Photography dude smirks. “Fuck no. We’re Arab. We will take our time in saying goodbye” he squeezes me tight. “We won’t say goodbye until we have to!” he looks at his watch. “Which means like 3 hours”.

I look at all the stuff I still have to pack. 75% of which will be going to our local Salvation Army.

My apartment phone rings. Sahd is in my building.

I look at Mr. Photography dude.

“Why is Sahd here?” I ask holding my phone over the receiver.

Mr. Photography dude looks like he’s up to something. He tries to play it off. “Well he has a car. He can help us take this stuff to Salvation Army.”

My jaw drops. “I told you we can take an Uber!! We don’t need him!” I say.

“Nah that’s expensive. Do you have something you want to tell me about you and Sahd?” Mr. Photography dude asks raising his eyebrows.

Oh. My. God.

“No. Don’t be silly.”

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

The Hardest Goodbye (continued)

continued from The Hardest Goodbye

When I was little, my dad told me people experience grief in two ways. They either get really angry at first, and then forget about it. Or they feel numb at first, refuse to feel any emotion, and then they can never, ever, forget.

I never really figured out which one I was. But I’m guessing I’m the second one. And I didn’t really have much time to figure it out as I stood in my bedroom what just happened between me and player.

I peek through the crack of my open door. Player is walking out and my roommate has walked in. They don’t really say anything, oh I think he’s upset.

I close my eyes and wait to hear the door shut. It doesn’t, so I hope player comes back. But something tells me he’s not, I almost run out the door. My roommate looks at me.

“Shit” I forgot my keys and shoes. I quickly grab my keys and put on flip flops. My roommate continues to watch me, this is awkward, but I really don’t care.

I rush out my apartment door and look straight. Damn player’s gone. I look to my left. And he is tying his shoelaces. I smile. Player was so angry he didn’t tie even want to his shoelaces before he left my place!

He looks at me.

I cross my arms, “Is this how you’re leaving me?”

He finishes ting his shoe laces. “Well what do you want me to do? If I stay we’ll just sit there doing exactly what we’ve been doing all night!”

I’m still confused. I really see no problem with that.indeits amazing

“Did you think we were going to spend hours together?” player asks.

My eyes widen. “Yes!! That’s what a goodbye is!!” I say.

“But I told you. I really really suck at goodbyes and it won’t help” player explains.

But I suck at goodbyes too😦 And our time felt so short, I don’t want him to go:/ It makes me so sad and jealous. Other girls may have gotten better goodbyes from him. So I tel him.

“I bet you spend more time with other girls when they leave for good” I say.

“Are you kidding me? I just said goodbye to my best friend 0f 4 years last week, and we spent like 20 minutes. Because we knew it would be hard” he says.

I don’t know if I should be flattered or insulted.

And then I wonder what he thinks I am to him. Once he told me I was his best friend. I guess I’m not. I never was.

But all of this comes out as, “I understand”.

Because my dad failed to tell me, there are two ways to say goodbye. You can sit together until you absolutely have to say goodbye and experience the pain together. Or you can quickly say goodbye so you don’t have to worry about the pain. Kind of like a wax strip (I think this was a better analogy player could have used).

So I tell him I understand, because I genuinely do. Player and I experience pain and grief in different ways, and it’s okay.

“Okay so can I have a hug now? A real one?” player asks.

I smile really big. “Yes” I say.

So I hug him as tight as I ever will. “Bye player. Thank you for everything” I say. I rest my chin on his shoulder. I always liked how I was the perfect height for him and could do that.

Aw that wasn’t so bad I think to myself.

But then it’s player’s turn. “Bye Shahz. I’m sorry for everything I did and all the pain I’ve caused you-”

And that’s when I become numb. As I listen to player’s goodbye speech. I can’t even finish it. Those first few words got me. Everything that happened to us in the past 4 years plays in the back of my head.

I don’t know what I am to player, but I’m really happy I was able to a part of his life.

I snap back to reality as he kisses my forehead, and then my cheek. 13245435_824476477688190_8411822638481477781_n

I take a deep breathe in, I don’t hold on to him too long because I know it will hurt both of us.

We separate and I do my best fake smile. He walks away and I do the same. I see him look back but I can’t do the same.

Breathe I tell myself.

I quickly make some small talk with my roommate about packing so she won’t ask about what just happened with player.

And then I get to my room, I sit on my bed. My chest hurts. But I’m okay.

I’m really proud of myself for going back to say goodbye to player and for not crying.

But I feel exhausted and sick, it must have been the wine. So I lay down to sleep and promise myself I will wake up early in the morning to pack.

When I close my eyes, I can’t help but think. I think player and I were meant to say goodbye, a long time ago. I feel like, he was already gone.

xoxo. S.

The Hardest Goodbye

I always knew that my hardest goodbye would be my lover. Now who that lover would be my Senior year, that I could not say from a distance. But at last, June 14th, my last night in Chicago came- and it was time to say goodbye…to “Prince Player”.

After saying goodbye to Irv, I still had to meet with my mentor to say goodbye before seeing player. My mentor and I took a long walk, my last long walk in Chicago😦 He told me that he was extremely proud of me and I told him that I couldn’t have done it without him. He is also a first generation student and just completed his MPH.

He laughs. “Trust me when I say you were more of a mentor to me then you’d ever know. I grew and learned so much from you”.

I smile. That’s sweet. We talk more about the classes I will be taking and how I will balance everything. Then I realize it’s almost 9 and “Prince Player” hasn’t gotten back to me about when he’s coming to say bye.

“Oh I always knew you two would make it until the end” my mentor says. I laugh and text player, he says he will be a while. I say it’s okay on account of I have so much packing to do. I say goodbye to my mentor and he tells me to let him know how the goodbye with player goes (he has been through so many of my player situations for the past 4 years).

An hour or so later, player arrives. I open the door, there he is. Deep breath.

“Oh my god you look so nice.  You’re packing!” he says. I laugh. I tell him I made myself look nice because of all the goodbyes I had to make all day.

He hugs me. “Congratulations!” he says. I hug him back. I instantly blank on what he’s congratulating me about, considering a lot of amazing things happened that past week.

“You graduated!!!” player reminds me. Ah. That one. I hug him back. “Congratulations to you too, we did it!”

I’m really genuinely proud of player and I. We’ve been through so much. And yet we became more successful than most. Player graduated early, started his Master’s early, and will be graduating from that shortly. I graduated on time and got into the 10th best MPH school in the country (we’ll see how fast, or slow? :0 I can finish this one).

Player snaps me back from my thoughts as he pulls me into his arms and wraps them around my waist. He holds me tight and buries his face in my neck.

I raise my eyebrows. “Either you really missed me. Or you’re really going to miss me” I say.

“I’m really going to miss you” player says softly. Aw. I hold onto his arms and tell him I’m really going to miss him too.

We lay down and discuss basically all the random things we didn’t know about each otherFullSizeRender(35) in our past 4 years. Such as the fact that we both love teaching. Or the fact that my personality type is ENFP and player’s is something that starts with an “I” meaning he is introverted.

“Yea I think you’re more extroverted than me” player says.

My jaw drops. “I HATE when people say I’m extroverted! I am not” I say. “I’d rather just chill at home with a book and movie you know. I’m a huge introvert” I say.

“Do you think I’m more extroverted than you?” player asks.

I laugh. “Uh yea!!! You’re so much more extroverted than me!”

“I hate when people say I’m extroverted!” player says doing his best impression of me and mocking me. I laugh so much.

Player says his test said he was almost half and half when it came to determining whether he was introverted or extroverted. My eyes widen. “Mine too!!!” I say.

Then player eases into what happened the week before. “I’m sorry about what happened last week”. He explains everything that happened and I feel bad. He could have told me.

“It’s okay” I say softly. “It’s just we never did anything outside of my place and I don’t have much to remember except all the things that happened here” I say.

“I know” player says.

I hold his hand and squeeze it. There’s so many things I wanted to say. There’s so many things I wanted to do with him. But time ran out.

“Will you come to Boston one day?” I ask him as he strokes my hair. I wait for him to say no.

“I mean yea…if I have money. Why not. It’s a city I’ve never seen to before” he says.

I smile. Yay. But I’m still sad about leaving him.

“I think a break will be good for us” player says.What? I give him a look.

“No!! I mean. Imagine how nice it will be when we see each other again…” player says. Oh, I see❤ It’s true. Player and I have a lot of passion towards each other.

I pour us some wine and we drink it. We talk more about our 4 years. I think about all the amazing things that happened to me. My internship, all the jobs I got,  my acceptance to BU, my presidency, my award-

“You’re the only thing I didn’t win” I tell player sadly.

“Nobody can win me” player says.

I lay down next to him. He strokes my hair. I don’t like when guys play with my hair, but I love when they stroke it. And player is doing it. And it feels nice.

“Hey you actually had a boyfriend. So you won!” he says. I smile. He knows how competitive I am.

“I didn’t really tell that one goodbye….” I say.

“You can tell him tomorrow before you leave! Then you can have two guys in 24 hours” player says.

I look at player seductively. “Been there, done that” I say.

Player is amused. “Whoa! And I’m the player??” player asks.

I laugh. I look away. “It takes one to know one”.

Player says he’s good person.

“Yea but you’re a thief” I say pushing my finger into his chest.

“Oh really. What did I steal?” player asks laughing.

I whip my hair and look at him over my shoulder, “My heart” I say oh so dramatically.

He laughs even more and I laugh even more.

I sit down next to him. The wine got me walking around and now it was fading. “But through all of it. We kept going back to each other, because we’re addicted to each other” I say.

“Mhm, I just can’t get enough of you” player says as it came out of a romance movie.

I laugh. I can’t tell if player is being serious or not. I hope he is. And I’m so drunk and happy. “This is such a Bridget Jones moment!” I say.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” player says.

“Oh my god player! That movie! About that girl that keeps a diary and has to choose between the player and the good guy!” I say.

“Who did she choose?” player asks. I pour myself another glass of wine. “Well she went with the good guy. But then the player came back and-” I stop myself when I realize how closely the movie is relating to my life. And then I laugh.

“Seriously everything that happened tonight was like a movie. Or a book!” I say.

“Aren’t you already writing one?” player asks.

And then I just about die from laughing. I tumble into player’s arms and we lay back down. I can feel our night’s going to end soon. So I snuggle up to him as tight as I can.

“Just like freshman year” I tell player when I sense he’s noticed what I’m thinking.

“Yea” he says smiling.

When player and I first started liking each other (or at least when I first started liking him and didn’t know about the crap that was happening), we would always snuggle tightly the last few minutes before he left.

He pulls me close. “I know you don’t like this, but I do and-”

I stop him. “No I do like it”. I always liked it. I was just, afraid. Of liking it, and then having to hate it because I won’t see him again.

I smile at him. Everything is so cute, just how I imagined it.

“I have to go soon” player says releasing me from his arms and starting to get ready.

Wait what. I’m puzzled. We were only together like an hour and a half…

I sit and watch him.

“I promised someone I’d play video games with them at midnight” player says. 

Now I’m really hurting. I continue to stare at him.

“You’re pretty” he says. Oh how cute.

Player tells me to say something.

“I guess some things never change” I say quietly putting my top back on.

Now player’s jaw drops. “Look. I really suck at goodbyes. Okay? That’s why I don’t want to stay too long” he says.

I stay quiet. “Think of it like this. What’s an analogy…Um okay. So if you had to make a class presentation, or you had a big test. You just want to take it and get it over with right?” he asks.

I get close to him. “So you just want to get me over with?” I say.

“Yes. NO!” he says.

He tries to explain it again.

“This isn’t one of those days I can be a ‘one and done’!” I say.

“Are you kidding? It’s like 40 and done” he says.

More like 30. Oh how I will miss player’s overestimates. But oh well.

“Okay so I’ll be going now. Can I have a hug?” player asks. I give him a quick one. And turn away.

“Hey what was that?” player asks.

“What? I wanted to see you, so I saw you. You wanted a hug, so I gave you one. And now you wanna go…so go” I say shrugging not facing him.

I think he’ll say something, change his mind. Something. Anything.

i didntBut he grabs his keys and wallet. As he’s done before. “Okay…well. I’m not going to take responsibility this time. I hope one day you will see that I’m right” player says.

And he’s upset. And I’m upset. And when I turn around, he’s gone.

Shit. This isn’t how this goodbye was supposed to go.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

So Long, Farewell (Leaving Chicago)

I can’t believe I disappeared off the face of my blog for two weeks. I told myself I would update my readers as soon as it hit be that I graduated college- except it never did. It still feels like nothing to me. Graduation felt like any other day. Sadly.

But at last, I have pushed myself to write! About all the goodbyes I had to make- are you excited Paul? It’s the Series Finale!!!

2 weeks ago June 13th:

Let me be the first to say, I don’t really believe in “see you laters”. Leaving places, was something built into me by birth. I lived in 3 countries, 4 states, and countless cities. Goodbyes are nothing new. Most of the the people I left or left me, I’ve never seen them again. You would think I’m used to it by now.

Except I’m not. Goodbyes were ALWAYS tough for me. I cry, I whine, I pray- that I will one day see my people again. Whether they be friends, family, lovers, teachers, coaches, mentors, the lovely Dunkin Donuts barista- yes.

Chicago was no exception.

I lived in Chicago for 12 years. Some of the worst things in my life happened to me in Chicago, I looked forward to the day I would “escape”. When my family left a few years ago, I was sad. I sat in my home and cried.

But on June 13th, as I packed up my bags in my little apartment without my family- I cried again. I cried because I realized although some really awful things happened to me in Chicago, some of the best things happened to me in Chicago.

Heck my last week of undergrad showed me that. Graduating from such a great university with a BS in Health Sciences and minor in Psychology (oh how close I was to graduating with honors!), winning the “Outstanding Leader” award at the graduating senior ceremony and getting a plaque with my name on it commending me for being a “gifted teacher” and “servant leader”, my internship I received at Northwestern University my junior year teaching gifted kids Chemistry and Physics, volunteering at the YMCA in the West Side of Chicago and teaching my 1st-5th graders…

Everything I ever wanted to accomplish in life, Chicago gave me the opportunity to do that. And I could not have done it without the amazing people that helped guide me.

The goodbyes continued that Monday.

I already said over 30 goodbyes the week before, but I still had a lot of last minute ones. I was so exhausted from all the graduation festivities and my family being in town, but I had to go say my goodbyes.

First up, my girls at the YMCA. Crap this was going to be hard. I bring them all lollipops and we all sit together for a while.

“So you’re never coming back, Shaz?” one of my 4th graders ask.

I take a deep breath in. These girls have been my little friends for four years. I feel heartless for leaving them. So many people have walked out of their lives.

“I mean. Maybe. If I get a job here in two years, I might” I say.

“NOOOO! No maybe’s!” she says flinging herself onto me. The other girls join in.

“Okay, okay. Girls-” I say. “There are going to be so many wonderful volunteers that come here for the rest of your school career. You will love them as much as you love me” I say.

“Yea right. Ain’t nobody understand us like you” one says taking the lollipop out of her mouth.

Everyone stays quiet. I swallow. “Do you guys have an email address?” I say. They were young but it was worth a shot.

All of them say no, but they all have a Google hangout and know how to use it so I give them my info.

“Now you guys can ALWAYS talk to me. And I’ll be there” I say.

They all agree that we could do that and finally, it was time for me to leave. At that moment one of my 2nd graders who I have known since she was maybe 4 or 5 runs over to me from her class.

“Miss Shaz!!!!” she grabs onto my leg.

“Oh my god G! I’m leaving today, you know this right?”

She looks at me with her innocent, big, brown eyes. “What?” she says in a small voice.

Lord help me. I shouldn’t play favorites but G was like my favorite. When she was 5, I was helping her with her homework, and she quietly said- “Excuse me. Your bra-strap is showing.” I have loved her ever since❤

I get down to her. “I’m leaving. But hey, I gave everyone my contact. They can teach you how to reach me” I say.

She still looks at me with her big beautiful bug eyes. I reach into my purse, “Hey I brought you a goodbye gift!” I say. I give her a blue raspberry lollipop, that I saved just for her.

Her eyes widen and she smiles big. “YAY!!!!!” she sreams. And then she hugs me big. And then runs away to tell her friends. I laugh to myself. If only saying goodbye to everyone was this easy. How easy would it be to give/receive a lollipop and forget the pain of saying goodbye?

I finish saying goodbye to my older girls. As I walk out, I hear one of the girls say to her teachers, “I’m gonna miss her”.

I feel my heart shatter. And then it shatters even more when the teachers responds, “Yea me too. What can ya do.”

When I get back to my apartment, I have my next set of goodbyes- 2 of my best friends since freshman year. I decide we need to do something fun as the last goodbye was emotional.

IMG_3267As I get ready, I stare out my window. At my beautiful skyline view. It was so beautiful. I take a snap-chat saying “When you reach your last 2 days in your favorite city”.

I send it to all my friends and everyone responds including PRINCE PLAYER :0 He asks what I’m doing later that night. I tell him I’m going out but I’ll be back soon as I really need to pack my things.

He doesn’t respond. So I go on with my activities. My friends and I eat some amazing pizza, dance, and sing. When it’s time to say goodbye, one of them is about to cry.

“Don’t do it…” I say.

“Oh my god Shaz! What the heck! How can you expect me not to?” she says.

I shake some sense to her. “Girl! You’re from Rhode Island. I’m coming to the East Coast. We can visit each other!!!” I tell her.

She stops. And her eyes widen. “Holy shit. You are so right. Okay” she says.

We all laugh and go our separate ways.

When I get home and realize I still have not gotten a response from player, I tell him “I will be free tomorrow as well”. He responds saying he was tired from graduation and his family being in town (like me!) and I tell him I totally understand. And we agree that tomorrow would be better for us and we’ll decide later what time.

I go to sleep and wonder what our goodbye and everyone else’s goodbye will be like Tuesday.

Tuesday June 14th

First up, the Center for Cultural Programs on campus. They funded my club this year, and the new Associate Director was an amazing mentor to me always checking up on my well-being.

“Oh hey what are you doing here?” the lead Director asks as she was doing some paper work with the office receptionist. The Associate Director comes out with a sad look on his face, “she’s here to say goodbye!”

“You’re kidding! It seems like just yesterday you walked in and changed our community by storm!” the lead Director says.

She gives me a hug and asks me about my plans. I tell her about Boston and she wishes me the best.

The Associate Director grabs his wallet and looks at me. “Hey. Shahz. You hungry?”

I nod, I was in for a long day of goodbyes.

He tells everyone he’ll be back and walks me out of the office. “I’m taking you to Glazed and Infused! My treat! What do you say?”

My eyes widen. I love Glazed and Infused. I will miss that so much.

I laugh and tell him. I also say I should be treating him on account of how much he has been there for my club and me personally.

He shrugs it off. “No way. We are losing someone special. My treat”.

I look at him and smile. Man these goodbyes are not easy. We reach Glazed and Infused and he buys me my favorite red-velvet donut and a black coffee. We take a walk around the neighborhood eating our donuts and I tell him how sad I am. He assures me I can continue to be active and thrive in Boston and gives me tips.

And finally as we reach campus, it’s time to say goodbye. He gives me a big hug and tells me to always update him on what I’m doing in Boston. I tell him I definitely will.

As I walk home, I get a text from player asking when I will be free. I think about how many more people I have to see and calls I have to make. My last in person goodbye before him is with my mentor who gets off work at 5. Which means I’ll see him at 5:30, which means our goodbye will take about an hour and a half or so. Which means I’ll be free at 7. So I tell player.

When I reach my apartment, it’s time for my first visitor. Yasmeen. Yasmeen is taking over my club next year, she was a former student of mine but I see her as a little sister. Her arms open wide as soon as she sees me “I can’t believe you’re leaving us!” she says.

I shake my head. “Don’t make this hard for me. You know how I feel about goodbyes!” I tell her.

She nods and I get her some chai and cookies.

We talk so much about school (we’re both Health Sciences majors), our clubs, and everything else. She randomly pulls out a “gift” for me. I knew she had a gift for me, she had been teasing me with pictures, but I never got to see it.

I pull it out of the gift bag. My jaw drops. It’s a book!!! Yasmeen made a book of me. She made a book of pictures of me and quotes I have posted on this blog. A book of my entire college journey!

I put the book down when I’m finished. “What the fuck I told you not to make this hard for me” I tell her as I hug her.

“Stopppp. This wasn’t supposed to make you sad” she says laughing.

I hold the book to my chest and hug her. It’s time to say goodbye.

“Okay now I’m going to cry” she says with her eyes welling up.

“No don’t. We’ll see each other again. You’ll go to Boston for your Master’s!” I say.

“Deal” she says. We hug and say goodbye.

I look at my watch. It’s 3 and I have a bit more time before I meet with my mentor. I go to my best friend Irv’s creperie.

“Oh hey, look who’s here” he says when I walk in.

I plop down in a chair. “I came to say bye Irv”.

He wipes his hand and sits down next to me.

“Yea you’re going to Boston. Why the fuck are you leaving us Shaz?” he asks patting me.

“A girl’s got dreams Irv!” I tell him.

“Wait here” he says.

I see him making me a crepe. “Oh my god are you making me a crepe? Irv, you really don’t-” I begin.

“Shhh. Shaz. It’s a goodbye gift!” he says.

I smile at him. He brings me a nutella crepe. I stare it.

“What?” he asks smiling.

“My last day in Chicago. And you spoil me” I say laughing.

“As you should be” he says.

I laugh even more. “Remember the last time you came in here. You were pissed about some guy that called you a princess?” he says laughing.

I almost choke on my crepe. ‘Prince Player’. I laugh. “Yea I’m seeing him tonight” I say.

“He doesn’t deserve you” he says laughing and going to make another crepe for another customer.

“I don’t deserve him either!” I shout back.

He sits down a few minutes later. “You think it’s gonna be hard saying bye to him?” he asks.

“You have no freakin clue. It’s hard saying bye to everyone. Tumblr-goodbye-sad-quoteI couldn’t even make it up to the suburbs cuz I knew those goodbyes would hurt like hell. Hell it’s hard even saying bye to you!” I say grabbing his arm.

Irv tells me have Snapchat and texting and Facebook so it will be okay. I agree and realize time is flying and I need to see my mentor soon. So I tell Irv goodbye.

Our hug is so sad. He is tall and my face crushes his chest. “Bye Shaz. I hope you get everything you ever wanted at Boston” he says.

I let go and sigh. I hope so too. “Let me know how this business is going. So freakin proud of you. Honestly”.

We say a few more parting words and I’m out.

My next few goodbyes would be the hardest.

(to be continued)

xoxo. S.

 

Just Graduated

After I took my last final on Thursday, I was kind of happy. It felt so amazing to have officially finished undergrad. And then I got sad. I had so many more goodbyes to make. And some people, I could only see them once before I leave because of our hectic finals and graduation week.

When I realize I’m only going to see Harris, “Heart”, and “Prince Player” once (if I get to see them at all) before I go, I get really sad. Why were we all so busy😦

So I mope with my friends still working on their finals. I play NSync and Mr. Photography dude takes my phone.

He types my passcode.

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“Texting Harris and “Heart”. I try to snatch it back.

“No!!” I say.

“Shhh you were going to do it anyway”.

I let him type out a message and read it before we send it. “Hi! Hope finals are going well. Next Tuesday will be my last day in Chicago as I am graduating and moving to Boston for grad school! Let me know if you’re free within the next few days. Peace, xo- Shaz”.

I laugh at how he knows exactly how I write and send. Harris responds immediately saying he will be out of town for a show, but will come back early to say goodbye❤ And then “Heart”.

I stop playing NSync as his texts come in. Seriously I get 4 texts from him.

“Omg Shahz!!What school?”

“I’m so happy for you!!”

“Ramadan Kareem <3”

“Inshallah we find a day to see each other :)”

I smile. It’s honestly the little things. I don’t know what it is but the way “Heart” communicates with me makes me smile.

I don’t text “Prince Player” because we already talked a few days before when he said he fell behind in his finals and we have our graduation coming is so he must be stressed.

So I sigh and go to bed.

The next day, I had been invited to a graduating student leader ceremony. I had been looking forward to this for weeks, I wanted to know what award I was nominated for.

I invited my brother because my parents were on a flight, and I wish my parents could have been there because, not only was I nominated- I won!!!

I won an Outstanding Leader award. I have a beautiful plaque with my name on it. I almost cried when the announced my name.

They said a paragraph of my deep passion for helping others, sharing my vulnerabilities and creating safe spaces for students and introduced me and my award as “Please welcome gifted teacher and servant leader…”.

And the crowd erupted in applause! My brother was the loudest. It was honestly the best part of graduation weekend.

I guess it was after I won that award it really hit me. I’m leaving the place that gave me so many oppurtunities to be me.

My parents were extremely proud❤

And then, Saturday flew by quickly and Sunday came. Ah graduation day.

Mmmm what a day.

First off, graduation was at 7 in the morning. I spent so much time on my hair and makeup that I didn’t eat breakfast. So when I say through graduation for four hours, I felt so sick to my stomach. When I got up on stage to get my diploma, I felt like I was going to faint. Eep!

Oh and, the name reader pronounced my name wrong (they were horrible, they pronounced a lot of names wrong). But hey, it was my moment. I worked hard for this! So what did I do? I laughed it off, accepted my diploma, and blew a giant kiss at my parents. Oh how much I wanted to do a little dance….

Then I walked back to my seat. I smiled so hard. I did it!

As graduation ended, we took some pictures and went out to celebrate. Once we got back to the hotel, I passed out and so did my family. They left today and after I returned to my dorm- I cried a little.

This is sad. Not because I’m leaving college, but because I’m leaving Chicago too. On the front page of the Graduation program, it had a list of all the seniors who won special awards-mine was on there. And I cried thinking about all the things I accomplished and all the people that were there for me.

I’m not sure how you’re supposed to feel after graduation. Because I’m going to get my masters and go on for more schooling, it doesn’t feel too bad. But because it’s my last day in Chicago- oh I’m sad.

xoxo.S.

 

A Series of Unfortunate Event (My descent into my last week of undergrad)

“Hey I know you’re supposed to hang out with player or whatever, but I really need you’re help with Chem!” Sidekick says as soon as I answer my phone that I’ve been avoiding.

I sigh. “Just come. We’re not hanging out tonight”.

I have been unhappy for the longest time in my life. But lately, I’ve actually been happy. And then I see the stuff going on around me and I wonder how I can possibly be happy at a time like this. Such as the fact my best friend Sam had a seizure the other day and had to be rushed to the hospital. And then yesterday my other best friend Yasmeen was in a car accident. And then today. Today and yesterday I’ve been feeling extremely sick. Not like a cold or anything, but just a migraine and stomachache that won’t seem to fade.

But also today, was supposed to be mine and Prince Player’s day. I prayed he would remember as I have about 35 goodbyes to make this week (I’m not kidding). I lined them up all on my bulletin board so I would remember. But I also wasn’t feeling well, so I didn’t think drinking would be the best idea. Still it would be nice to see him I thought.

When he hasn’t texted about our plans, I feel hurt. I tell myself if he really wanted to see me, he would. If last week meant anything to him, he would have spoken to me this past week and be here with me. I quickly shrug it off. It’s finals and graduation week, player is busy like me. I play some Adele. Oooo wrong choice. I get sad again and realize this is my last week. And I’m leaving is less days than I count on my two hands. And I’ll never see him again. I have to see him as much as I can before I go. I remember what Prince Player said about how I never tell him how I feel.

So I go for it and ask him if we are still down for the night. 

As I wait for a response, I finish one final and hear my phone buzz.

“Here’s the thing….” Player has responded.

Oh Christ. Really. 

So that’s when I tell Sidekick he can come over. As I wait I feel hurt, broken, and wonder to myself if I ever mattered to Player. I deserve to be with a guy like Harris who will stay by me at his own sold out concert when he is surrounded my a billion girls. I deserve to be with a guy like Heart who keeps his word when he sets a date with me. I deserve-

In the middle of my thoughts Sidekick arrives. Mr. Photography dude has decided to join too.

“Thank god you’re not hanging out with player. This one knows shit for his final” Mr. Photography dude says.

I smile sympathetically at Sidekick. “Why are you taking Chem anyway?” 

“I needed a lab science credit” Sidekick says. 

I roll my eyes and take a look at his review packet. There are so many easier classes he could have taken for that. 

“You seem to be taking this Player thing so well” Mr. Photography dude says watching me help Sidekick.

Wow can’t he tell I’m dying inside.

“I’m not feeling well. Shut up fool” I say.

“Ooo you must be still hungover from Harris’s show.”

I suck in my cheeks. “Definitely not” I say.

“Well then. You must have developed feelings for him.”

My jaw drops and I turn to him.

“Oh my god I’m kidding! A lot of people just asked me today if you guys were together!” he says.

What. “Why?” I ask.

Sidekick laughs. “Even I thought you guys were dating by the looks of those snaps you posted at his show”.

Oh god.

“Yea I screenshoted them!” Mr. Photography dude says showing me a few I posted. 

Wow. We look…close. And why did I not get a notification he screenshoted??

I sigh. “It’s too late guys, I’m moving” I say resting my chin in my hands.

“So you do like him” Mr. Photography dude says.

I’m about to yell at him when I see him reach for my phone. I try to grab it, “What are you doing??” I ask.

“I’m going to text Harris asking if he wants to go out before you leave. ‘Hey habibti. Great show Friday! I’m feeling-” Mr. Photography dude says and begins typing on my phone. 

I yank it out of his hands and I get a text at that moment. It’s player. He says he had something unfortunate happen this past week and fell behind on finals.

I sit down.

My heart aches for him. I hope he’s okay. At the same time I’m hurt. Why couldn’t he just tell me? Why doesn’t he trust me enough to share these things with me…

“Stop being a diva you don’t tell him serious things either” Mr. photography dude says helping himself to my Lindor truffles.

I take it away from him. “Yes I do”.

“Did you tell him why you can’t stay in Chicago over the Summer?” he asks.

I look him in the eye and cross my arms. “That is extremely serious” I say.

“Maybe his thing is extremely serious too”.

I panic. Why is this all happening during the happiest time of my life.

“Okay hey, relax. When’s your last final?” Mr. Photography dude asks siting next to me.

“Thursday morning” I say.

“Okay and you leave next Wednesday morning right?” he asks.

I nod. “Okay. So maybe you can see him on Thursday night and Monday or Tuesday night” he says.

I put a Lindor truffle in my mouth and grab his arm. “Undo my sad” I say quoting our favorite song.

He laughs. “How many times do I have to tell you. I can’t undo your sad only you can undo your sad”.

I call my mom. She tells me she saw the video of Harris performing and gushes about how she loves his voice. 

We all begin laughing. 

I think Harrris is the first guy my mom approved. I send Harris a message.

“Awwww” he says.

I just want to be as happy as I was Friday night when I was watching Harris perform. 

xoxo. S.

The Last Weekend of Undergrad

And there it is. Tomorrow begins the last week of undergrad. I don’t know where my 4 years went, and as I try to figure it out, I’m a whirlwind of emotions.

I guess it all started last week when player came over. And I woke up the next morning in the dress and make-up I was in the night before :0 It was fate (like so many times I bump into him). And then the net morning, I went home to Texas. On the way there, I had a layover in Minneapolis- home to Sidekick’s family. And he and Mr. Photography dude were heading up there for Memorial Day. So I got to be on the same flight as them and spend time with them (another moment of fate!)

“Wow. You must have had a wild night last night” Mr. Photography dude says when I open my door in my gala dress. I roll my eyes and tell them to make themselves at home while I go change.

In the plane we watch Trainwreck and they make comments about how I’m like Amy Schumer’s character- this is so untrue! But I’m flattered because she makes me laugh and I just love her.

So this past week was fine. Memorial day weekend gave me time to relax and find a dress for graduation.

And then the weekend came. I got free tickets to go see a famous Arabic band as Harris was opening for them.

As soon as we step out of our Uber, Mr. Photography dude turns to me.

“Shaz, look”.

I turn around. Heart’s waving at me. Fuck.

Of course he’d be here, he’s Harris’s best friend. I wave back. He looks good, surrounded by many girls.

The line to see Harris and the band is long. It goes out the door and into the streets!

At one point Harris comes out. I quickly go up and talk to him, and am outnumbered by so many girls from our rival clubs who get all over him.

I go back to my place in line. When he is left alone, he’s about to go backstage but I pull him back- and snap a selfie with him😉 All the girls watch. I don’t care, I knew Harris before he became famous!

An hour later, they let us in. Harris sets up, and 30 minutes later he begins singing.

Oh. my. goodness. Can Harris sing.

Everyone is dancing and shouting his name in joy.

How come he has never sang like this at our events. Where has he been hiding??

“Heart” stands in the front row and acts like he’s Harris’s hypeboy as he begins pumping up the crowd at various times.

I roll my eyes and continue to be mesmerized by Harris’s voice. My jaw keeps dropping. He looks at me occasionally as he sings.

Mr. Photography dude observes. “Well well well. Looks like you’ve finally fallen for him”.

I snap back into reality.

“Fuck off” I say laughing. When the main band comes, I’m so tuned out. Harris was good enough for me.

I go get a cocktail. As I’m sipping, Harris comes back. Before I can think, many girls go to him and begin taking pictures. Ugh.

“Just make your way through” Mr. Photography dude says. “You’re his main ho” he says winking.

I almost choke on my cocktail. I laugh and shake my head.

Harris slips away again.

So I go back to dancing. A while later, out of the corner of my eye, I see him standing alone. He looks at me.

Finally, I go on over to him. I pull him to me, before any girl gets him. “I love you. What the fuck? You can sing!!!” I say.

He laughs and asks me if I’m enjoying my self. I say yes. And begin taking more selfies with him. He laughs at me.

Then some girls notice he was the lead singer and take him away from me. Christ.

When the show finally ends I start saying goodbye to my friends. I suddenly end up between “Heart’s” circle. He comes up to me.

I act cool as he hugs me. “Hey! How are you?” we both say at once.

We laugh. “You’re leaving!” he says.

“Yea….” I say giving him my best fake smile.

He asks me when I’m leaving and I tell him.

Then we separate. And I go home.

When I woke up yesterday, I had a migraine and felt sick to my stomach. The “I’m 13237841_823252484477256_7533822548913518988_ngraduating” blues have kicked in- and the night before made it worse. I wish I could have spent more time with “Prince Player”, because we have a good connection. I wish I would have met Harris, before “Heart” because he seems more genuine and a better match for me. I wish I would have listened when “Heart” said he’ll fix me with Harris because even he thought he was a better match for me! I wish I didn’t steal Harris’s position on board. I wish I could stay here over the summer.

But I can’t…

Because I’m in the my last week, and am leaving Chicago for good next Tuesday.

Oh and Muhammad Ali passed away, so there’s that.

And I’m supposed to be meeting “Prince Player” for drinks tonight but I’m pretty sure he’s forgotten by now- so there’s also that.

xoxo. S.