One Year

Yesterday would have been mine and so and so’s one year anniversary. Oh how close we were. If he had just, waited, say 3 months.

I didn’t really bat an eyelash. Maybe because when I was looking at the May portion of my calendar over the past week to plan for upcoming projects- I noticed a heart around that date and was sad then. But not too sad. Maybe because I thought about it then is why I didn’t think about it yesterday.

Last year around this time was so good. We couldn’t keep our eyes or hands off of each other. We met every single day. Breakfast & dinner every day. We’d read books to each other. We’d sing to each other. We’d even make fun of each other as we taught each other our native languages and would mispronounce each other’s words terribly. He loved me more than I loved him. I thought it was… meant to be.

But it wasn’t :/ Yet, I’m not terribly sad anymore. I attribute some of my peace to fasting.

Oh how different Ramadan is this year. No him. No family. No friends.

I wish he and I could have remained civil.

But he was so mean in his departure, and he knew it.

It just wasn’t supposed to be like this 😦 I had so much to say. And so much I still wanted to do with him. Sad.

Every Ramadan I experience a miracle. Whether it’s in relationship, my home, or my career.  I’m doubtful this year,

but we will see.

xoxo. S.

My Heart is Hurting Part 2

I still feel the same. Why does it hurt so bad. I think about my other heartaches.

“Prince Player”. “Heart”. “Scientist”. My fiancee.

It gives me comfort that the biggest heartache wasn’t him, it was “Prince Player”. I stop smiling when I realize how long it took me to get over Prince Player. And when I realize how much closer this one and I were.

It doesn’t matter that I have been hurt before. And some were worse then this. This wound is still fresh, and thus hurts a lot more at the moment.

Where did I go wrong. I continue to think this. As I help a patient. As I mitigate COVID-19 policies. As I work my butt off in this pandemic.

It’s so hard.

All the memories, they appear like a movie in my head.

Often times when I lay in bed I glance at the empty space next to me. I do it because he used to spend a lot of time there.

Sometimes, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night. With a cramp or feeling too cold and having to adjust the temperature. I’ll want to look over to see him sleeping, but then again I instantly remember. 

I think about all the fun times.

Us going shopping on weekends.

Our little after work dates with our favorite take out at my house or our favorite bar where we became regulars.

Our sleepovers. 

Singing country music together.

Watching romantic comedies.

Him telling me seeing me is always the highlight of his week.

Just the way he made me feel.

And then one day, he didn’t feel that way anymore.

Today I spoke to “Prince Player”. He didn’t respond to me a few months ago when I told him I was sick and hasn’t said a word since then. I told him today that it made me sad.

“I’m doing me” he says.

I sigh. I’m still there for my friends in emergency when I’m doing me 😦

My health is better now at least. The treatment the doctor put me on has fixed almost all of the issues my PCOS caused over the last few months.

I have also lost half the weight I gained during the time I was sick. I have a hard time losing weight so the fact that I was able to shed these pounds despite all the stress I had makes me feel really proud of myself. I am technically at a very healthy weight now but I am planning to lose the rest just to be back at what I was before.

img_9979I don’t know about everything else 😦 One day my heart won’t hurt anymore. I know it. And one day this pandemic will be over so I and all the other essential workers can breathe ❤

xoxo. S.

My Heart Is Hurting and Other Musings of a Healthcare Worker During this Time

Dear reader,

It’s like we blinked- and everything changed.

After my health emergency, I took some rest, took some time to grieve my breakup and went to see my parents and stayed with them for a week. I’m glad I hugged them tight when I left because now I don’t know when I can see them again.

When I came back I interviewed with a company in Texas for a new job. I don’t like it here in Chicago anymore. I have nothing left here 😦 The interview went well and I was excited at the opportunity of moving to Dallas.

But the next week, everything changed. I’d like to remind everyone I am an infectious disease specialist for a living.

My boss texted me late Sunday night, said we had our first few cases of COVID-19 in our area and she had to go help our communicable disease department full time. And that I was in charge of our program. Oh my god. 26 year old me, telling everyone what to do. I managed, but that was nothing. The cases were rising and my boss boss’s called a few days later. She wanted me to be the Operations Chief of our health emergency center at the health department headquarters. While stay at home orders were placed, and more and more of my friends got to work from home, I kept showing up every day. And I’m still continuing to see my patients.

My days are starting earlier, and ending later. Limited personal protective equipment. My co-worker friends have all been reassigned. We are running around and always on our toes.

I come home to nothing. No family, no partner.

I’m so exhausted I usually fall asleep without eating dinner. I am trying to stop this as I felt extreme fatigue from doing this.

The hiring manager for the position I interviewed for said they are canceling the position due to COVID-19.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to move back to Texas. Be closer to my family. Be in a job that respected me more. Close this chapter of my hometown that was never really there for me as much as I was for it.

My mind goes in circles of my past. This happens when I get stressed. I think about all the bad things that ever happened to me.

It’s hard. I didn’t even fully finish grieving over “him” or my medical emergency. Every weekend, even though I’m still working, when I feel alone- I have half of a heart to text him. To check on him, to tell him I still care. And then I ask myself if I’m crazy.

That person hurt me!

“Why did you have to go” I ask myself maybe 10 times a day in my head.

When I get moments to relax, I try to read, bake, or FaceTime my family and friends. They constantly remind me of the good. One being that I just got promoted temporarily where I currently am. I’m finally doing what I dreamed of. I’m making new friends. I’m learning new things. So maybe, this is where I am meant to be.

Even though it’s stressful.

Even though everything happening is unpredictable.

My heart. It is hurting for myself. For the many other healthcare workers and essential workers waking up every day facing what everyone is hiding from. For the ill. For those who have lost their loved ones to this virus. For those who are missing special events in their life due to this. For those who have had to alter the way they work & live drastically.

And especially, for those who feel alone.

May god make this easier on us all ❤

xoxo. S.

 

If you can top this terrible week, we need to start a support group

Warning: This post is for mature audiences. It discusses serious relationships and health issues. If you have any type of judgement, please, find another blog post to read. I am choosing to share this because one time a reader said “I like how you help women feel like they are not alone” and I stand by it.  

It was a long three weeks. Waking up from naps and good night’s sleep were hard. The moment my eyes opened, I would stare at the empty space next to me. I thought about the body that used to lay there. On one particular day, I woke up crying, and cried for 15 minutes. Thank goodness I hadn’t done my makeup for work yet- otherwise I would have been late.

It was getting unbearable. I needed to talk to him. I wanted to know why he left, why he started pursuing other options if he really did have “so much going on in his life”. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I needed an answer.

So last weekend, I text him.

“We should talk” I say.

He reads it immediately. But takes a while to respond. I expected that.

“What’s up?” he asks.

I take a deep breath. “I respect you breaking up with me and not leading me on. I respect your kind words when you broke up with me. But I do not respect you not being honest about why you left, and I am torn.”

“I’m sorry Shaz” he responds.

My eyes widen. “So you did lie?” I ask.

“Can’t say I did” he says.

“Help me understand. One evening, you tell me that you are breaking up with me because you have a lot on going on- and the next morning, I see you pursuing other girls” I say.

I wait. In deep anxiety. Finally I have called him out, and I need to know what he will say.

“I do have a lot going on in my life, and I don’t spend a lot of time pursuing other people” he says.

Deep breath.

“Then why do it?” I ask.

And then he says what makes my entire world shatter. Something I never expected from him.

“Guys still have needs I guess” he says.

I FEEL GUTTED.

GUTTED.

It starts.

“Are you serious?” I ask.

“…” is his response.

“Was I not meeting your *needs*?” I ask.

“I didn’t think it would be fair to you” he said.

Converting a relationship into a hook up only thing?

Yea no. Of course it wouldn’t be.

“You know, I wish you just told me that” I said.

“I mean would you?” he asks.

I’m confused. “Would I what? Just hook up?” I ask.

“Yea” he says.

“You do realize that’s how it began right. That’s what I wanted. You were the one that started spending the night. And texting me. And taking me out. And calling me your girlfriend. And I began to like you the way you liked me” I said.

“Well would you do it now?” he asks.

I couldn’t believe what I agreed to do next. It was against everything I stood for. But I was trying to prove something to him. I was trying to prove to him that I can be just as emotionless as him.

And instead.

I let him win again. I prove him right. I couldn’t handle it.

He stays a mere 10 minutes.

After he leaves I feel sick to my stomach. He looked so good. He took the break up so well. Went to the gym and everything. I decide I will do the same. I go to the gym and do a very rigorous work out.

I decide I’ll buy healthy groceries too. On the way to the grocery store I feel a bad stomach ache. Like I’m going to vomit. I make a crucial driving mistake. My heart races when I get into the parking lot of the grocery store. I quickly grab my groceries and drive carefully home.

At home, I make myself something to eat thinking it will calm me down. But only a few minutes later, I am hurled over the bathroom toilet. Puking. I can also feel myself bleeding.

My dad calls.

“Are you sick?” he asks.

“I think so. My stomach hurts and I’m puking” I say.

My dad talks me through it and asks me to go to the ER. “Omg no” I say.

“Well have about if we ask your brother to come over? I think you are having anxiety. If you can’t talk to your mom or I- talk to him” he says.

“No” I say.

My dad talks me through it. I don’t listen to him on going to the ER or urgent care. We agree I will go to bed (it’s 9:00) and I’ll call my doctor in the morning.

I wake up at 5:00 in the morning. Still it pain, still bleeding, still vomiting.

I wait the few hours for my doctor’s office to open. And call the specialist, the one that works with the PCOS.

“Hi there…I am experiencing severe abdominal pain and I really really need to come in” I say to the nurse.

I hate these nurses. “Okay that would be your primary care doctor. Not us, your gynecologist”.

“No listen to me. This started after I had relations yesterday. It is severe pelvic pain” I say trying not to cry even more.

“Oh…ok. In that case. We have a 3:00 available” mean nurse says.

“Thank you” I say in a *glad you finally listened* tone.

I drive to work crying. When I get in I tell the associates I’ll be leaving early. I tell my boss too. And then I tell my fellow co-worker.

“Omg Shaz, do you need to talk?” she asks.

“Maybe later” I say.

I do my work and finally the time comes.

I wait in the doctor’s office and am roomed rather quickly. And doctor comes in rather quickly. He is not my usual OB/Gyne. But he was, a godsend.

“Tell me what happened” he says.

I tell him everything. And he listens. As a person, not as a doctor.

“Has this happened before?” he asks.

I nod. “It has but…it would go away within like an hour. It would also be mild. This is severe and going on for a day” I say crying.

He hands me a Kleenex, “I am sorry you are so sad. And I am sorry you are in pain” he says with genuine care in his eyes.

“Let’s do a pelvic ultrasound” he says.

Oh shit that uncomfortable thing. “I’d hate to that and not find anything. We’ve done it before and it hasn’t showed anything” I say.

“I’d hate to not to do it and you have something” he says.

Fair.

So I go into the uncomfortable room. Undress. And the kind radiologist does it.

She says the same thing “tell me what happened”. I tell her too and she is understanding.

“We will make this as comfortable as possible for you. My job isn’t to hurt to you” she says.

And my god, she does make it comfortable. It only pinched a little.

“I hope you feel better” she says when we finish.

I smile.

I go back in to my room and wait for the doctor.

He comes back and sits down. I take a deep breath.

“You have some cysts. About 5 of them. And it looks like one of them ruptured…” he says.

My eyes well up. “Did it happen because of what I did with my former partner” I ask.

He passes me the Kleenex again. “Most likely. It could have also been that exercise you did too. You said you went to spin class?”

I nod.

“It could have been either. Don’t blame yourself. Women with PCOS get cysts” he says kindly.

I sigh. It’s almost like a sign from God I should never see “him” again. Like a punishment. Like-

“I want you to get some bed rest. Stay hydrated, get in as much electrolytes as you can. 3 Advils every 6 hours and stay away from carbs until the cysts go away which is 7-10 days” doctor says.

I nod. He explains we will be changing my PCOS treatment as well as it appears the treatment I was on was causing bad side effects. We discuss options and I choose one that I feel will be best.

“Anything else I can answer for you?” doctor asks.

I shake my head. “I hope you feel better” he says smiling.

I thank him and get on my way. This time when I drive, I thank God for good doctors and good healthcare. There are some things I am thankful for.

I call my parents when I get home. They are very caring. I order Red Lobster from Uber eats as shrimp is okay for me to eat. It’s comforting, but doesn’t take the pain away. I wonder if I should call a sick day then, or wait until morning. I decide morning. There may be a chance I can go into work.

But I get up at 5 again in pain. I decide not. I wait two hours and text my boss. She tells me to feel better.

My first sick day. 10 months without a sick day and here I am. I rest, I read, I shower, and I pray. I drink plenty of soup and drink lots of Gatorade. I finish crying whatever tears I had left of my situation.

I come back to work the next day in full swing. No tears. Pain yes, but I keep taking Advil.

I’m really lucky to have co-workers that care and parents that care as they kept me going. Friends and former partner- disappointing. But I know one day, I will find a good community and partner again.

Until then.

❤ S

On Highs and Lows: In Sickness and Relationships (Part 2)

continued from On Highs and Lows: In Sickness and Relationships

“We have the results from your bloodwork and it is showing you have PCOS. We are sending a new prescription to your pharmacy. Please pick it up and start it ASAP. We want to see you in three months to see if your hormone levels have improved”. 

I hang up and cry my eyes out. On my 26th birthday.

PCOS.

What will my chances of having a kid look like now? How much more weight will I gain and how much more ugly will I feel? This explains why I gained weight despite working out everyday and eating well. This explains the never ending periods.

I call my mother.

She sighs. “I knew it. Don’t worry Shaz, we will conquer this. Sometimes, it can go away” she says.

She tells my dad and he grabs the phone. “Happy birthday. Don’t worry honey. You will beat it. Hey at least we know now. You could have gone forever without knowing”.

I sigh.

I tell my boyfriend. He has no idea what it is nor the time to understand.

I get on my flight and can’t rest thinking what my future with this condition will look like. I think of stories I heard of women with PCOS. Infertility. Diabetes. Cancer. Are all conditions some of them got.

My parents hug me when I get home. They explain to my brother as he watched me be ill over the past few months but like everyone else- didn’t know why. He pats my shoulder.

We cut my birthday cake and celebrate what was my most successful year of life. All of  us hide the negative news we got that day.

A few days later, I come back to Chicago. I celebrate a warm, cozy and fun New Year’s with my boyfriend. It was so good I really did think this year would be good.

But the next week, when we go out and he doesn’t want to discuss my diagnosis- or really anything about my life, I question it.

I start the treatment and it has me feeling all kinds of sick. Makes me feel like an insomniac and drowsy at work- friends offer to drive me home because it’s that bad. In the midst of that, I get the lovely break up text from “him”.

The first week, I feel numb. I pray my heart out for peace.

Last week, I felt hopeful. I finally took the Christmas tree down and threw his things away.

This week. This week I am feeling up and down. Like I want to believe everything that happened this year God made happen for a reason. I pray for the strength and courage to put this behind me.

I remind myself not to blame myself. That what “he” did tells me nothing about me, and everything about him.

Just like the last break up. I move a little slower in the morning, walk in a few minutes later to work, and play country music non-stop.

This too shall pass.

xoxo. S.

On Highs and Lows: In Sickness and Relationships

I stare at my phone.

“Hey Shaz, I think we should break up. I have a lot going on in my life right now and I just can’t give you the kind of attention that you deserve. I think you are a great person who deserves everything in the world.”

A break up over text? Cute.

How did this happen.

We were doing so well. 10 months of dating. 10 years of knowing each other. And it ended. Just like that.

I text back but he doesn’t respond. Doesn’t even want to discuss.

I find out from social media the next day he is already pursuing other options. Well, so much for “a lot going on” in his life huh.

I stare at the ceiling.

I reflect on the last few months of my life.

Almost a year ago, I moved back to my hometown and started my big girl job. I met him only two weeks later. We were inseparable from the day of our first date. The first month we were together, we hung out every single day. The next month as he shifted his career and began to get busy and I started traveling a lot for work, we wrote each other love letters.

Our dates were fun. The movie we went to see. The concert we went to see. The fesitval we went to. The restaurants we went to. Going downtown for one of my friend’s housewarming party and introducing him to all my friends.

I was gaining weight rapidly. Although he didn’t notice, I did. I put on almost 15 pounds in just a few months. “What are you talking about sweetheart?” he always said when I complained about this significant change.

“Ooo maybe it’s because we are in a relationship! Couples gain weight in relationships!” he said rushing over to my scale.

“Look babe! I gained 4 pounds!” he said trying to make me feel better.

I laughed sadly. 15 pounds is not something I ever gained in a matter of few months. I exercise every single day and I eat right.

During that, I had a period that lasted 1 MONTH. It was during then our troubles began. I felt anemic and weak and emotional- he didn’t know what to do.

“Go see a doctor!” he said.

With my work and travel schedule it was hard, I found a lady doctor that sees patients on Saturdays. She did a scan and exam that found no abnormalities. “Probably endometriosis” she says. “Your cramps lead me to believe that. There’s no treamtnet for that though, except a few birth control options. Think about the one you feel is best for you”.

I sit puzzled. “Ok but what about my weight gain and irregular period? What caused that?”

“I don’t know. You’ll have to ask your primary care doctor about that” she says.

I go home and tell him the news. He claims he will read about the condition, but never does. My parents are out of the country, and two weeks after that was a big event in my family. So I wait three weeks to tell them.

And they are not happy. “Get a second opinion Shaz. Ask around, ask people you know, ask people you work with- you work in a community health center! Ask them is they know someone that specializes in women’s health” my dad says.

I roll my eyes. It is so hard to find a provider and one that matches your schedule. But he keeps asking me every day when I call home, so finally- I share with my closest co-workers, and one of them recommends me the lady doctor she and her daughter have been going to for many years. I call them and make an appointment for a month later. With my travel schedule and work schedule, that is when I felt I had time.

“Jeez. It’s a month from now?” my dad asks.

“Yep” I say. I feel bad but I feel bad taking off work.

Until.

I get a period that last 6 WEEKS.

I call the new lady doctor’s office.

“Hi there. You know how I said I can only come in a month from now?  Ok well. I am having an emergency. I’ll take your next appointment” I say in panic.

“Ok, how about Thursday at noon?” the receptionist asks.

“Sure” I say. I look at my calendar, only three days away.

I march into my boss’s office.

“I need sick leave next Thursday. Kelly will see my patients” I say.

“Ok” she says without even giving it a second thought.

I nod. I check with Kelly too if it’s ok, “Of course. Priorities Shaz. Go find out what’s wrong”.

While I wait for the lady doctor’s appointment, I make an emergency appointment with my primary care doctor who always does same day appointments for patients who need it.

“I don’t know what to do. I should have came sooner but I took the work of what this specialist I said saw about my conditions just being endometriosis-” I begin telling him.

“Ok first of all. I am almost positive this is a hormone imbalance. We have to do a laprascopy to diagnose endometriosis. Second of all, we need to stop this bleeding. You are already anemic and this bleeding for 6 weeks- I am very concerned for you” he writes me a prescription for a medicine to stop the bleeding and tells me to let him know what the lady doctor says. I nod.

I start the medication and boyfriend is comforting, making sure I take the medicine with food and what not. But the medication makes things worse. It makes the bleeding even heavier and painful!

Finally, I have the appointment with the lady doctor. Just a week before my birthday.

I wait almost an hour to see her.

Finally she comes in. She looks at my chart. Looks concerned.

“How much weight did you gain exactly?”

“15 pounds” I say.

“Have you ever been tested for hormone imbalance? Polycysitc Ovarian Syndrome? (PCOS)?” I shake my head.

“Let’s test for that. In the meantime, stay away from gluten and dairy. Because of you do have it those foods can trigger it” I nod.

The medical assistant comes and draws 5 VIALS of blood while I am already losing blood. I skip lunch because I did not estimate this much wait for the doctor and thus didn’t request this many hours of sick time.

So I go to work feeling faint and hungry. I finish our year end report.

I go home and tell boyfriend. He doesn’t know what to say.

The week goes by and we go to celebrate my birthday early as I’m travelling the day of my actual birthday. It doesn’t go that well. The next day, on my actual birthday, I am running my errands before my flight when I get a phone call.

The words out of the woman’s mouth make me want to pass out in the Kohl’s fitting room I’m standing in.

continued in On Highs and Lows: In Sickness and Relationships (Part 2)

Back

I couldn’t believe it. I must have read that wrong.

“We can hangout if you want…we should”.

It’s HIM.

There I was, two weeks ago. Exactly a month after our break-up. After zero responses to my texts or letters, I started moving on with my life.

So when I was at the mall, enjoying my single life, my eyes nearly pop out of my head when I see his name on my phone screen. I open his text. It’s a picture of our favorite restaurant, where I live. I wonder what he is doing here as he lives in another city. I take no prisoners.

“Lol what are you doing here?” I ask.

“Haha. My sister, her husband, and my niece wanted to come here”  he writes back.

Well isn’t that just lovely. That’s where I wanted to go to dinner when I was done shopping! Ugh. I don’t care anymore. He hurt me. So again, taking no prisoners, I write back- “Nice. Have fun”.

He responds “Will do”.

And I think that’s that and  I am happy. I am happy I didn’t lose control and beg for his attention as I did in the last month of our relationship.

And then. Two hours later. As I am trying on shoes, I get the lovely text.

“We can hangout if you want…we should”.

My jaw drops. I’m shook. This is the person that said he wasn’t coming back and I should see other people.

“Why? You hate me. You made it pretty clear how you felt about me when you left me” I respond.

“I never said I hated you!” he writes.

“You never responded to my letters” I say.

“I’m sorry Shaz. I just didn’t think it was appropriate at the time” he writes.

“Oh so what? Is now convenient for you?” I ask.

“No. Of course not” he responds.

“What is it sugar? You couldn’t find someone else?” I ask.

“Shaz” he writes.

“What?” I tell him about the past month. Where I cried and prayed just wishing he could come back. And to make the pain go away.

“I’m sorry Shaz. It was never my intention to hurt you. If you don’t want to hang out, that’s fine” he says.

Oh NO. I do not let him take that. “Wanna get a drink?” I ask. He agrees.

I tell him I will be home in a few hours, and he says he will be free then too and will come pick me up.

When the clock strikes midnight, he is outside waiting for me.

“Hey Sweetheart” he says. Ohhh he is so beautiful. I could just-

WAIT. HE BROKE MY HEART!

“Excuse me? I am no longer your sweetheart!” I say.

He looks taken back. “Okay Shaz” he says laughing.

“UM. NO. You can’t call me that either” I say.

He laughs. “What am I supposed to call you?”

I cross my arms. “You’re gonna call me what the rest of the world calls me”.

He gasps. “Wait, you want me to call you by your full name?” he asks.

I smile and nod. “Fine” he says.

When we get to the bar the bouncer takes our ID. “You remember when my birthday is?” I ask him.

He thinks for a minute. “OMG it’s coming soon!!!” I say.

We laugh and we go sit in our usual place in the bar.

“What’s up?” he asks.

“Nothing” I say sipping my margharita.

“You’re not saying anything” he says.

“You never listened to a word I said so why should I” I say.

He smiles, “that’s true”.

I shrug.

More silence. And then the margarita hits me.

“So why are you really here?” I ask.

“I just wanted to say hi!” he says.

“WELL HELLO!” I say. I stir my drink. “You couldn’t have texted me that?”

He laughs. “I just…I missed you!”

I smile. “Which part was it? Was it the sassiness, the cheekiness, the boldness, my curves-”

He interrupts me. “It was all of it” he says.

I’ll be damned. But ooo how he hurt me.

I stare at him.

“I also wanted to see you because…”

“Because?” I ask.

“Because I wanted to apologize. I never stopped thinking of you” he says.

Oh my Jesus. WHERE WAS ALL OF THIS WHEN I WAS DOWN.

“You can’t just waltz back into my life and take me back. You were the one that slammed MY door and left me!” I said.

“We had a lot of problems Shaz…” he says.

“Yea well. They’re not going anywhere. Unless we start talking” I say.

I discuss one thing that bothered me.

About him and my friends telling me to pursue another career at my housewarming party.

“I’m sorry I said that. It’s just I could never do what you do. I actually think what you do is very cool”.

Wow. So all this time it was a misunderstand. I thought he was mocking my choice of being an Infectious Disease Specialist/Counselor for patients living with infectious disease. But he wasn’t. It was admiration this entire time.

“I’m still kind of upset with you that you didn’t respond to my letters. You said I could still write you” I said.

“Those letters were very hard to read…” he says.

“Why?” I ask.

“Because they were written so well” he says.

Oh holy moly. I don’t know if it’s the margarita or the new truths being revealed, but all the feelings start coming back.

“You wanna hang out at my place?” I blurt out. “Yea we can do that” he says.

When we walk out he tries to hold me. “Don’t touch me!” I say. He pulls back.

So he comes back into my beautiful home that he helped me put together.

“It looks festive” he says looking around. Last time he was here was in October and now it’s almost Christmas and I have my Christmas decor up.

“It doesn’t smell here like it used to!” he says. My apartment used to have a horrible gas leak smell. And maintenance could never fix :0

“Yea. I put in a wallflower” I say laughing.

I climb into my bed. He walks into my bedroom and stands in the corner, hands in his pockets staring at me.

He smiles and looks down. Because we both feel the discomfort. We have know each other for 10 years, and romantically for 6 months. And we had a seperation.

But he knows. That with me is where his heart lies. Because he walks over to his side of the bed and lays down.

“Don’t touch me!” I say.

He laughs and pulls the covers up.

Little by little. I inch closer to him. And then his lips touches mine. And everything is fine again. There are no other lips for me.

I reach over to turn off the lights to go to sleep.

“Hey Shaz?” he says.

I pull away from the light and look at him. “Hm?”

“I really am sorry” he says quietly.

My eyes well up.

I kiss him.

I hope the timing is right now.

xoxo. S.

 

 

Endometriosis, and other pains

Ok breathe. It is not my period and I feel like my insides are twisting inside of me in Target. I feel like someone punched me in my stomach and I am about to faint.

I quickly grab my groceries and drive back home. I get in my bed and put my heating pad on. I curse the CBD oil my mom got for me because it’s not working. I curse that “he” isn’t here.

I decide it’s time to see a specialist. It was scary enough to have my last period for three weeks, but now this and the mood swings? Something’s gotta give.

I put on my gown once at the doctor’s office. The doctor tells me my scan was normal, but how I felt during my pelvic exam is concerning. She asks me some questions.

“Pain with intercourse?”

I nod.

“Stomach/back aches when it is not your period?”

I nod.

I tell her more like my crazy mood swings and my irregular periods.

I tell her about how before I got on the pill I had periods that made me vomit and miss two days of school each month. And how I still get aches that bad on my period and while it doesn’t cause vomiting anymore, it still hurts and ibuprofen doesn’t help.

“It is most likely endometriosis” she says. 

Endo. Mee. Tree. O. Sis.

Oh my lord.

“With endometriosis, we usually perform a larascopy, it is a small surgery that can confirm  you have endometriosis and also allow us to take it all out. But that is really a last resort. We try to treat it medically first with other hormonal methods. You’re on the pill now, have you considered the IUD or Depo shot?”

Ugh god no. I don’t want either.

I tell her.

“You can continue to take your birth control pills. But we will need to skip the placebo, thus skipping your periods all together”.

My jaw drops. “Isn’t that messing with nature?”

The doctor laughs. “We are already messing with nature while you’re taking those pills”

I think about it for a bit.

“So what do you think?” the doctor asks.

I tell her I will continue my pills and skip my periods.

“I think that is a good option for now. See how that works and if things don’t get better, let’s do the larascopy”.

I sigh and drive home. It’s almost the weekend of my mom’s graduation, and I don’t want to tell my family. I don’t want to ruin anything.

I tell my best friend.

“Jesus Shaz, were your periods that painful??” Rida asks.

“I mean yea. Periods and non-periods are all painful for me” I say.

A week later is when “he” broke up with me. The next day is my mom’s graduation. For the 100th time my mom pulls me aside and tells about how much weight I’ve put on. I can’t believe she would do this after I spent months planning her graduation festivities, worked overtime to be able there for her event, and flew all that way to be there.

I can’t do it anymore.

“What do you want me to do? I’M SICK!” I say crying and running out of the restaurant.  

I get in the car where my dad and brother have already settled in while mom and I were paying the bill.

My mom gets in the car. “Shaz is upset because I told her she put on some weight. And now she is telling me she is sick. I knew she was sick! Why would she not tell us?”

“Give it a rest ” my dad tells her.

“So I guess we will be sharing a room huh?” my brother says laughing (we got two rooms- originally mom and I were going to share a room, and then dad and my bother were sharing the other”.

I say nothing. When we reach the hotel, I can’t stop crying. I go to see my dad because seeing my dad is always comforting. My mom is with him. I make no eye contact with her. I cry and I cry and I cry. My dad lets me cry.

“What is it Shaz?” he asks rubbing my shoulder.

“She is SICK. And she didn’t tell us! God if I was sick, I would share that” my mom says. I cry more. God she has no idea all the shit I’m going through. Being in pain for 2 months, going to work with that pain, getting dumped by the love of my life the night before, and spending months prepping for her graduation.

“I told you to stop” my dad tells my mom. My dad doesn’t ask anything about me being sick. “Shaz, would you like to sleep her tonight?” he asks.

I shake my head. I continue crying because I hate I have to keep this a secret from him. If it wasn’t my mom’s graduation, I would have told him right then and there. I curse myself for being a kind person. 

“Are you sure?” he asks.

I nod. “Ok. Well I will call you at 7 tomorrow and we will go for breakfast” he says

I go back to my brother and I’s room. He doesn’t say anything about me being sick either and actually makes me laugh all night. He says we don’t do this often and we should watch reality TV all night. I laugh and I say we need to go to bed as we have a long day the next day. We go to sleep and the next day is wonderful. Everything goes as planned. I come back to Chicago after the festivities, I tell my mom over the phone of my diagnosis.

“Really? You should really look into how you will have kids with that condition. I know you want to be a mother”.

Jesus. Of all the issues.

I tell “Prince Player” of the rough patch I’m going through. Yea, we are friends now.

“Wow Shaz. I am so sorry to hear that. Especially with everything else that is happening”. he says. Yea :/

A few days later, I get a call from my dad.

“Mom said you have a condition. How could you have not told me this? It really hurt me to hear you have been hiding this from me. You and I don’t have that kind of relationship” he says.

God dammit. He’s not wrong. We are close.

“Dad. Come on. This isn’t the most exciting of news to share!” I say with tears in my throat.

“So? When you got a flat tire, you called me. When you got pulled over by a cop, you called me. When you lost your job, you called me. You think your health is less important than any of that? It is the MOST important thing!”

I cry more.

“But you were out of the country when I found out. And then I kept traveling for work. And then it was mom’s graduation and I didn’t want to ruin it-”

“Shaz. We talk every day. Whether I am out of the country or not. Whether you are traveling for work or not. If you had a husband, and your own family- sure. I’d respect your decision not to tell us. But you are living by yourself very far from us right now. Anything could happen to you, and it’s important for us to know if you have a chronic condition that causes you so much pain and nausea”.

He asks what I plan to do to treat this condition. I told him the options, and said I will likely go for a second opinion before I finalize my decision. He says that is a good idea and he and my mom are here for me, bad news or good news.

I am grateful for my parents.

When I told my boyfriend, now ex, when I was in deep pain and bleeding for three weeks- he told me he can’t see me and to go to a doctor. This is a condition that will influence us both and it hurt me.

“I told you to go see a doctor because there was nothing I can do!” he said towards our break-up when we were listing things gone wrong in our relationship.

But that’s not true. Towards the beginning of our relationship he would rub my stomach, ask me if I took meds, and give me space while I put my heating pad on when I got these aches.

Of course it isn’t my partner’s responsibility to be there for my physical healing, but it is…appreciated. And it hurt me how he forgot the way he used to care for me.

So. I’m glad I have my parents through this. I also have Rida and “Prince Player”. I also have a few of my co-workers who know and are incredibly supportive.

Today I experienced another stomach and back ache like the one before, and it sucks. I had just sat down over the weekend and texted all my friends whose messages I have missed over the past few weeks, I told them I haven’t been feeling well and I’m starting to. Well, I wish I didn’t say that because I am in a lot of pain now.

For all my readers reading this, that’s my excuse for not being here as well. I wasn’t feeling well 😦 I’m still not feeling well yet, but, now that I am not in a relationship- I have more time to write 🙂

xoxo. S.

 

Slowing Down (Breakups Hurt Part 2)

So it was hard continuing my life after “him”. Sure, there was a lot of things I din’t like about him as mentioned in my last post. But do we really ever meet a flawless person to be our life partner? No. And that is why I was sad after he left. My body and mind slowed down.

Walking in a few minutes later to work each day. Writing him a letter he could care less about every other day. Running on the treadmill longer. Read a 100 horoscopes, looking for an answer. I probably consumed more Mariano’s gelato than my body will allow.

And it just kept getting worse.

“You most likely have endometriosis” my doctor said.

“I have accepted a new position, and you will be getting my clinic & project” my coworker said (I already have my own projects and clinic I run).

“Chicago is experiencing an early Winter” the weatherman said as it snowed 5 inches on Halloween. I dimg_7498on’t have covered parking :/

“I’ve been thinking, I need to focus on school” the new guy I started seeing said after our amazing night together.

GASP.

STOP.

There’s just so much I can handle. By myself.

Sigh. I am being slow, and will allow myself to be slow until I can pick up the pace again.

xoxo. S.