Not so fun day….

every girl“HEART IS IN VEGAS!” I’m at Starbucks getting my morning coffee and Mr. Photography dude is there too (I didn’t expect to see him but since he’s there I decide I will tell him). I woke up this morning finally having the courage to text “Heart” but saw that he checked into Las Vegas when I logged on to Facebook. Thank goodness I didn’t send that text.

“What? Calm down. You were just in Vegas too you know….” Mr. Photography dude says.

“Uh yea. With my parents! For my birthday!”

“Why is there?”

“It’s his friends birthday. He and his three best friends are there for the weekend celebrating. How does he not have time to spend with me or the money to spend on me….but have all the time and money to go to Vegas?!?” I say

He shrugs, “Let the man have a little fun.”

My eyes grow big. “Do you know what happens when four 20 year old guys go to Vegas? Have you seen ‘The Hangover’???”

He laughs. “Oh yea.”

“You’re not helping” I say.

“Maybe he finally got a weekend off of work and he has been saving up to go. You did tell me that it was one of his dreams to visit right? And that you felt bad going there over winter break because of that? Well now his dream is coming true, be happy.”

I’m still sad. “What if he meets someone?”

He puts his coffee down, “Did you meet someone when you were there?”

“No” I say.

“There ya go. And even if he does, it won’t mean anything.The fun you have in Vegas is temporary” he says.

True. “I should have fun this weekend too.”

He laughs, “You should text player”.

I smile.

He looks at me again, “Holy shit. You already did didn’t you?!?”

No. I was thinking about it. But he probably already has a wait list of girls for the weekend. So I decided against it. I wonder if we’ll hang out like he has said we would last week…

And so I had to get to class and I quickly said bye to him.

As I was walking down the stairs after class, I get an email saying that I’m not eligible for the Master’s program I wanted to do here because my GPA was .28 away from the requirement. Focusing so much on the e-mail, I STUMBLE ON THE STAIRS. My ankle hurts really bad :( I hope this day or…heck this quarter, gets better.

xoxo. S.

A very crazy week: In salespeople, internships, and boys….

I feel very bad for salespeople, that is one job I don’t think I can do. Today I have yet another interview and I woke up this morning without any motivation or energy (life without ADHD meds). So I walk on over to Dunkin Donuts, to get a quick coffee. On the way I am stopped by a group asking if I have 30 seconds. They were saying they’re inviting 15 beautiful girls to try out their services at Aveda. It’s 30 degress outside, giving them the benefit of the doubt, I decide to stop and listen. 3 minutes later, they tell me I can get a trial of all of their wonderful services for the “small price of $60″. I said no thank you. They wanted to know what was holding me back….

Uh let me tell you:

1.) Haircut thanks to coupons the college gives us is $5.99

2.) Buying Garnier Fructics Hair Dye to dye my hair every year is $8.00

3.) Getting my eyebrows done by my personal eye-brow threader Aziz in Denver every time I go home is just $7

4.) I’ve gotta get to class in 15!!! And I have an interview!!! Step aside sister.

Yea. So. I quickly said I can’t, good luck, wished her the best and ended up taking the long way back to class because I didn’t want to run into them again!

Anyways what else is new? Well every winter, I up my workout schedule more. Mercury retrograde, the weather, and lots of other things drive me nuts in the winter. I figure working out will help cool me down a little. So those of who you who are a fan of Mr. Photography dude should be very happy, he’s my running buddy and boy did we had an interesting conversation today.

The other night I stayed up until 5 working on an application due today. Yesterday morning when I woke up, I got an e-mail saying I was rejected for yet another internship. As I was getting off the train and coming back from another interview, I bump into “Prince Player”. He said he had just been talking to my roommates….eep! And then he walked away, so I said bye. And I rushed off to my running session with Mr. Photography dude.

“Hey. Sorry I’m late” I say hopping onto the treadmill next to him.

“You look upset” he says.

“I bumped into everyone’s favorite guy” I said winking.

“Player? Please tell me you were civil” he says as usual.

“He said, that he had just spoke to my roommates” I say giving him a look.

“Uh oh. Please tell me you told him ‘Oh good! I love being the center of attention!'” he says mocking our previous conversation.

I laugh, “No” I say.

“Did you ask him what they said?” he asks.

“No. Why would I do that? It’ll make me paranoid!”

He rolls his eyes, “Sad beauty. Don’t. You have bigger things to worry about.”

I sigh. “You’re right it probably had minimal to do with me.”

“Exactly.How’s the Heart situation?” he says.

dr. suess“I miss him so much. I’m weird, he’s weird. We both get each other’s weirdness. Oh, I had a dream I texted him and he responded” I say.

He laughs, “You should make your dream a reality!”

I shake my head. Too painful.

“Did your parents find a house?” he asks.

“Yes thank god, they move in Thursday” I say. Thank god indeed, I’m not exited for a new move but the lease for my old house is up and my family needs a place to stay!

“Good. At least that worked out” he says.

“I got rejected for the internship I wanted” I say sadly.

“Their loss. You’ll find something better” he says reassuring me.

“Do you think I’m high maintenance?” I ask.

“Oh yea. Big time” he says.

I smack him. “Ow! Shahz!”

“The other day. Some dude said he doesn’t know why Prince Player and Heart would want to be with me because I am ‘high maintenance’ ”

“Shahz. Get some fucking new friends. Jeez” he says.

I laugh.

“Quite honestly, I mean high maintenance as you always look nice and know what you want. It’s a compliment. But that jerk seems like he meant it a mean way” he says.

“He did” I say pursing my lips.

“Don’t worry. He’s just jealous that you didn’t blindfold him and give him a belly dance for his birthday” he says winking.

I push stop on my tredmill. “What? Shhhh! How do you know about that?”

“Uh on your 21st birthday…when you were very drunk you said you are sad because you and ‘Heart’ can’t celebrate your guy’s birthdays together like you did last year”.

Oh lord have mercy on my soul.

I cover my face “OH MY GOD!!!!!” I say.

“Don’t be ashamed, belly dancing is a huge thing in our culture” he says winking.

I smack him again, “Shut up” I say unable to contain my laughter.

“Gotta love high maintenance girls” he says laughing.

“Peace” I say sticking my tongue out at him and ending my work out.

“I’m sure ‘Heart’ misses your performances as much as you enjoy giving them!” he yells.

Oh dear god help me during this Mercury retrograde.

xoxo. S.

The Interview: Enough is Enough, On Trust and Moving Forward

Mr. Photography dude and I have resumed “The Interview” now that my ADHD relapse symptoms are somewhat better. Today was supposed to be part 4, we were going to talk about living with ADHD but after reading what I published on Friday, he wanted to learn how I deal with the “haters”. Also, it relates to today’s daily post topic, “Enough is Enough”.

Luckily, I’m in a crazy, happy, wacky mood since I am off the ADHD treatment and I’m back to being hyperactive me.

I really felt like I was on a talk show.

“So Sad Beauty. You seem to have lots of people talking about you….” Mr. Photography dude says.

“Well good. I LOVE being the center of attention” I say winking.

“Oh she’s good” Mr. Photography dude tells Mr. Sidekick.

I purse my lips and say so thug like “My haters are my motivators.”

And now they are really laughing.

“Do I look like I give two shits what other people say about me? Mm mm no sweetie” *snap snap snap*, I continue.

I swear Mr. Photography dude is crying with laughter.

So I decide to get serious,”Everyone that has ever became my friend, left. Seriously. And it’s not my girlfriends, they at least come back. It’s guy friends too. They either use me for pleasure, or use me as a gateway to get to something. This one guy was interested in me, and I wasn’t interested back. Next thing you know he comes along with me to this dinner I was having with a girlfriend and he totally starts flirting with her! Later that night he practically invited himself to our next dinner and wouldn’t stop texting me asking ‘Did Gabby say anything about me? Does she have a boyfriend?’ Thankfully, she does have a boyfriend and wasn’t interested in him at all. But still. He couldn’t get me, so he used me to try to get her.”

Mr. Photography dude and Mr. Sidekick sit in shock.

behindI sigh and take a sip of water, “Can’t trust anyone these days.”

I continue, ” The other day, as I was doing my makeup I overheard my roommate tell another one of my friends about how I stay in my room with the door shut if I’m home. Wanna know what I did? I came out and said ‘If you ever need something, just knock’ And she sat their in shock. She didn’t know I was listening. As if I wouldn’t listen to what she’s telling my own friends about me! And don’t even get me started on the people who say things like I got a nose job…”

Since I already have them, I continue with my monologue.

“You know what’s funny about backstabbers? They’ll stab you. And then they’ll come back and ask you why you’re bleeding.”

And then we all sit quietly.

Mr. Photography dude smiles and looks at Mr. Sidekick. Ooooo I know that smile, that smile means “She said something damn good and we’re gonna use it as a tagline for her portfolio”.

I continue and end with the truth, “Honestly it’s not what they say that hurts me. It’s the fact that I trusted them and they still chose to hurt me that bothers me. This is why I don’t open up to them and keep my doors shut in the first place!”

When he sees my sadness, Mr. Photography dude tells me the nicest thing ever.

“Don’t worry Sad Beauty. Because those people who go behind you’re back, that’s where they belong! Behind you” he says. Aw :)

Stay tuned for the next part in “The Interview” series! I promise it will be just as inspirational <3

xoxo. S.

The Good and The Bad: Finding Support In a Mad World

When I was a freshman, my main priority was to pass Bio (it did not happen). When I was a sophomore, my main priority was to make the Dean’s list (IT HAPPENED!)

And now: It’s all combined into one- Pass microbio, make Dean’s list, get an internship, do great on the GRE/MCAT

Some people make it way too hard to do this.

Exhibit A: My roommates (the bad)

I think my roommates who are sophomores are awesome. But they are so darn insensitive about my need to be alone! They like to hang out in the living room all day, I need my space and quiet so I stay in my room with my door shut. AND THEY HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM WITH THAT. One time, a friend came over and he asked, “Isn’t Shahz so cool guys?” And one of them said, “Yea, if she would come out of her room”. I’ll be damned. ***I told this to Mr. Photography dude in my interview and he said “What the hell?” haha.

I’M NOT A SOPHOMORE ANYMORE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! And then the same one told another friend of mine “It’s so strange, she is always in her room with her door shut. We don’t know if she’s sleeping or what.”

Slow down sister. Yea maybe I am sleeping! But you know what else I’m doing? Homework, studying, practicing GRE flashcards, reading MCAT books, having an anxiety attack, watching a movie (if I even get a chance!) or hell- my ex-boyfriend. Yea. And unlike your guy’s boyfriends- he isn’t here everyday. You should be happy that I mind my own business and stay out of your way. P.S- Enjoy Sophomore year while you can.

Exhibit B: My ex boyfriend (the good)

It’s times like this I miss “Heart” like crazy. When I first met him, he said ” I have social anxiety. I can’t study or do homework if someone is next to me. I actually like being alone a lot. Except when I’m with you of course.”  I had met my match <3 He is just like me, he loves being by himself and will only open himself up to a few people. One time, I told him how I always wanted to be a doctor…but I have fallen in love with teaching over the years. And he told me that I can do both. He’s the reason why I’m going to take the GRE and see if I can get into a nice grad school! :)

Exhibit C: My best girl friend (the good)

Well she’s studying abroad right now. But she understands I have severe ADHD and keeps trying to convince me to get a studio apartment. She says she is the same way, she doesn’t come out of her room either, but unlike my roommates- her’s could care less!

Exhibit D: Random Haters (the bad)

peaches quote“She’s too thin”

“She’s too curvy”

“Her boobs are fake”

“She got a nose job”

“She has ADHD”

“She drinks a lot”

“She smokes a lot”

“She’s a party girl”

“She’s a whore”

Christ, any more? 90% of those things are false!The saddest part is, when I tell other people that this is ruining my confidence, they say “fake it till you make it”. No. Don’t ever say that. Why be fake when you can be real?

Exhibit E: My students (the good)

Every year, I ask students to evaluate me in their final papers. And their responses always make me cry:

“Most educators are not as amazing as you. I wish you the best of luck, I’m sure one day you will be the best professor that anyone will fight to have.”

“Your courage and fearlessness has pushed me to work hard. You will forever be an example to me”.

“The feeling of coming to your class is the same feeling we get when we eat pizza. Or finding out that we got a snow day! Because you always made everything fun. Some of us wanted to stay home and sleep all day, but we knew we’d get to see you in class so we showed up :)”

It’s all the good supporters that keep me sane. When my roommates make yet another comment about how I like staying in my room a lot, I remember how much my students love me and how my hard work will get me places one day. When someone says I got a nose job, I thank God for blessing me with such a naturally beautiful nose!

So. If you are a peach, continue to be a ripe and juicy peach!

xoxo. S.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day

loveIf you know me well, you know this is the quote I live my life by :) There are so many reasons to hate people…but loving is easier.

If you got the day off today, I hope you get some rest but also remember why. Martin Luther King Jr. spent his whole life serving others, his wife spent years trying to make his birthday a national holiday! And it happened :)

So spread the love <3

xoxo. S.

Mr. Photography Dude Just Got “The Best Man” Award

Dear reader,

The post that I published today was originally not going to be published today. I wasn’t feeling well last night or this morning. But I had a promise to you guys that “The Interview” series will be published on Saturdays. So I published it :) Last night, I had yet another…relapse. I know, I know, I know.

My day had started out nicely. I found out that I got nominated for an award and I was going out to celebrate. Right before I left, I felt the room spin and fell to the floor. I felt sick to my stomach. I still went out anyway. When I got back, I was feeling worse. My heart wouldn’t stop pounding.

I stared at my phone. First I dialed my home number, I stopped immediately. The last thing I wanted to do was worry my parents. And then I started out a text to “Heart”- I erased it immediately. I stared at “Prince Player’s name and shook my head- no way. Finally, I just called Mr. Photography dude.

He picked up on the first ring, “Shahz?”

I couldn’t speak.

“Are you okay? Shahz, what’s wrong?”

“Remember what happened last week? It’s happening again” I say.

“I’ll be over in 10 minutes” he says.

I sigh. “No don’t. My roommate and her boyfriend are here.” It was true. But honestly, I just didn’t want anything to happen between me and him. I still love Heart.

We talk for a while longer and I feel a little better. I fell asleep  and had crazy nightmares.

I woke up late today with a text from him, “Meet me at Chipotle.”

Strange. I get ready and walk there. If you have followed my blog for a while, you know Chipotle is my comfort food and it is always a long sad walk to get there.

I walk in and I put on my best smile when I see him.

He gets up and pulls me close, “You okay?”

I nod. As we sit down, he passes me something. A burrito!

I smile for the first time this whole weekend, “What is this?” I ask.

“Sofritas Burrito. With everything except cheese. Just the way you like it” he says winking.

I burst out crying.

FullSizeRender(6)He looks confused. “Oh no. What did I do? I thought Sofritas was your favorite! Did you want cheese? I’m sorry!”

I shake my head and laugh. “You bought me a burrito? You bought me a burrito!”

He still doesn’t get it….”Yea. I bought you a burrito. You were down last night. You always cheer up people when they are down, so I decided to do the same thing for you”.

My lip quivers. He bought me a burrito! And he made them make it JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT.

I hug him, “You’re the best” I say. “If I wasn’t still madly in love with Heart, I would kiss you” I say laughing.

He blushes, “I know, I know. Stop. You don’t owe me anything. I enjoy your presence. And your strength inspires me.”

He is too perfect. I smile and eat the burrito he bought me.

I still remember the last time I was here with a guy was with my friend David. It was the first time Heart broke up with me and I cried eating my burrito bowl that day. I remember David telling me to drink my Orange Fanta when he saw me with tears in my eyes. I did. And although I felt a tiny bit better, the sugar went out of my veins quickly and I felt sad again.

“You should text him. This is destroying you too much” Mr. Photography dude says zapping me back to reality.

I shake my head, “For what? To make him pursue something he doesn’t believe in? Why would I do that?”

“I don’t know. But while you’re at it, toss out those stupid meds. You’re getting skinny. You don’t look like you” he says.

He’s totally right. “I think I will” I say.

We start getting ready to leave, “Get your act together this week Sad Beauty! We still haven’t finished the interview!”

I laugh. “I know, I’m sorry. Don’t worry, I will”.

He walks me home and I stare at him when we reach my place. “Thank you” I say smiling a really genuine happy smile.

“Take care of yourself please. The world would suck without you” he says.

He’s so sweet.

xoxo. S.

The Interview: The Silver Lining

FullSizeRender(5)“I mean. He gave me five hickeys on our first date….”

Mr. Photography dude and Mr, Sidekick burst out laughing. We are in part three of the interview and I’m talking about my passionate love affair with Heart. I’m so happy that Mr. Photography dude takes this photo right away.

“So you finally met a guy who met your passion, huh?” Mr. Photography dude says.

“Yea! I was trying way too hard with Prince Player! Cute outfits, food, sweet notes, it was never good enough for him. But EVERYTHING I did for Heart, he loved it and put in the same effort. Really,  all I ever had to do was was look at him and he’ll be all over me. He was just as passionate as I was!”

I pause. Mr. Photography dude asks whats wrong.

“Nothing…it’s just last night was what would have been mine and Heart’s one year”.

“How do you feel about that?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

“Sad” I say. They want me to continue.

“It’s like the best part of me was ripped out” I say sadly.

“What do you miss so much about him?” Mr. Photography dude asks.

“Everything” I say. “I miss how he just got me by just looking at me. I miss his constant encouragement. I miss his maturity. I miss his non-judgmental view of me. I miss his daily texts. I miss our intimacy. I miss his love.”

“When did you first know that he loved you?”

I smile. “One time, we were laying next to each other and his eyes were shut. I looked at him and smiled. His eyes opened and I quickly shut mine. And then when I opened one eye to take a peak, he was looking at me and smiling. And then when he saw me looking, he quickly shut his eyes. Yea that’s when I knew”.

Mr. Photography dude can’t stop laughing. I smack him. “WHAT? With any other guy, they’ll ask me what I’m thinking and think I’m some kind of psycho. They can’t enjoy the moment with me”.

He laughs. “Fair enough. What does Heart give you that Prince Player didn’t?”

A lot of things. I probably shouldn’t say that.

“A life worth living” I answer.

Mr. Photography dude raises his eyebrows, “explain please”.

I take a big sip of water, my body is getting heated. “He makes me want to live. After my battle with the ADHD, my unstable family moving 1,000 miles away from me, and the betrayal from Prince Player and my friends- I just wanted to disappear”.

Mr. Photography dude has closed his eyes again, I know he gets how I feel so I continue.

“Prince Player came back as a changed guy and we wanted to start again, but he quickly revealed that he was seeing someone else. And from the grapevines, I heard that he has been with a lot of girls. Everyone I knew, knew him and said the same thing *Oh everyone thinks he’s so cute, but he is a player* I didn’t get what was so “un-unique” about me that he had to go out and do this. I felt useless again”.

I stare at the ceiling so my tears won’t fall.

“But then, one day, out of no where- I met Heart. I loved how real he was. He told me the night he met me that he is an asshole. But you know what? That was way better than Prince Player telling me the first night we were together that he is a nice guy and every girl that he has been with always left him. Bullshit. It was always him that left them”.

I swallow. “And what I loved about Heart admitting that he was an asshole was this. He was an asshole in the right way. He was an asshole to social injustice, he was an asshole to men who don’t treat women right, he was not an asshole to me. I speak for a lot of people when I say, I admired his authenticity. People saw him as a bad boy on the outside but he was a sweetheart on the inside. Kind of like me. I have never met someone who had a heart as big as mine. When he broke up with me, we both cried. And that’s when I knew-“

I gasp for air. I can’t do this, I just can’t.

Mr. Photography dude looks at Me. Sidekick and then me, “Knew what?”

The teardrop finally falls down my cheek, “That he was my silver lining. God had sent him to rescue me.”

I see Mr. Photography dude and Mr. Sidekick exchange a look and beam, I don’t freakin’ get why as I’m totally feeling miserable at this point….

“And holy moly she does it again. That should be the title of the main portfolio piece- The Silver Lining” Mr. Photography dude says.

Obviously they don’t see the mascara running down my face and how little I care about their project at this point. And I can’t breathe. I run to the restroom.

I grab some toilet paper and wipe my eyes trying hard not to mess up my makeup. I feel sick to my stomach. What is going on? It isn’t gluten…I had ordered the gluten free pancakes. I’m not on my period…. It only take me a moment to figure it out, it’s a side affect to my new ADHD treatment. Oh no. (More about this later)

My heart is racing and I feel the whole place spin. This has got to be the worst relapse ever.

Someone walks in and I turn around.

It’s Mr. Photography dude.

“Get the fuck out of here!!!!” I yell laughing and crying at the same time.

I want him to leave but he walks over to me and hugs me. It makes me cry even harder.

“He still loves you, you know.”

I blow my nose, “how do you know that?”

“Any guy that goes far to ask his parents, religious officials, and tons of other people if it is okay to pursue you fucking loves you okay? And it’s not gonna be easy for him to stop loving you anytime soon. Oh and don’t make me remind of you the time he said he *cried thinking about your tan skin at night* after your guys third breakup”.

I laugh. And then I hiccup, “my biggest fear is he found himself a girl that his family actually approves” I say still wiping my eyes.

“And you know what? That’s fine. He’ll still be thinking of you for a while”.

I shake my head, “Will I ever love again?”

“You fucking found Heart after Prince Player broke your Heart didn’t you? That’s why Heart is the silver lining and everything?”

I laugh and dab at my eyeliner, “Yea”.

“I say trust a little, Sad Beauty. You knew you deserved better that day you spent 6 hours crying on the floor over Prince Player and you did get better!”

I smile “Okay”.

“Let’s go” he says.

“Wait hold on, I don’t feel good” I say.

“What’s wrong?” he asks concerned.

“It’s my new meds…I think I’m having a relapse” I say.

“Oh no. Come on. Go drink some water.”

I follow him and he sits on my side of the table now. He passes me a glass of cold water. I take a sip and rest my head on his shoulder. Something isn’t right.

“Shahz, do you want to do this another day?” he looks concerned.

I want to say no but my head won’t leave his shoulder. He tells Mr. Sidekick dude we’ll pick up next week and he’ll walk me home.

We are walking in silence. I don’t know if the tears hitting my eyes are because of the cold, “Heart”, or the emotional side effects of the medicine.

When we reach my place we face each other. “It’ll all be okay” he says.

I kiss his cheek (common in our culture). “I could really use a silver lining right now”.

To be continued!!!!!

xoxo. S.

A very crazy week so far… how I almost lost my designer purse because I was distracted

I must take a pause from my “The Interview” series to update you guys (which by the way I must say is getting many reviews!) Thank you so much readers- I don’t know why you guys like it so much but my ratings have SKYROCKETED this week. I can’t wait to tell Mr. Photography dude :)

So anyways. I almost made a terrible mistake this weekend! These kinds of things only happen during Mercury retrograde…and it’s not even Mercury retrograde yet! I’m sure from my last two posts you learned that I had a nice weekend being interviewed by Mr. Photography dude and was a little flustered over the fact that I had bumped into Prince Player Friday night. Anyways on Sunday morning, I was going to go work out and I reached to grab my Coach purse from the hook it usually sits on when…I looked and realized I was just touching a blank wall.

My heart started racing. WHERE WAS MY COACH PURSE THAT MY MAMA BOUGHT ME FOR MY 20TH BIRTHDAY?!? I’m not a spoiled brat or anything, that was the first designer purse my parents ever bought me. I started ransacking my room tossing everything all over the place. No luck. I started hyperventilating and asked myself where I last had it. So I thought to myself, the last time I had gone out was with Mr. Photography dude the day before- but I had taken my GUESS purse with me. So I thought to myself again, the last time I had it with me was…when I was eating ice cream with Jim in the student center and had bumped into Prince Player!!! Holy moly I realized. My purse has been missing since Friday!

I quickly got in panic mode and called campus safety because they usually have lost items. I was very calm until the nice security lady asked me if I checked my credit card statements. And then I realized, I don’t keep my credit cards in that purse… I only keep one very important thing in there….”No the only thing that’s in there is my Social Security Card!” I cried. And then I could feel the security lady’s panic “Oh my goodness. You might want to file a report”. When she said that for some odd reason I just said “Let me go check the student center first”.

And so I walk to the front deck all red eyed and tell the bratty desk attendent “Hi. Um I think I lost my purse here.” First she asked for my name. And then she asked me when I lost it. I said Friday night. Still sitting in disbelief, she asked me what it looked like. I said it was a brown Coach purse with C’s all over it. AND THEN, she wants to know what was in it. Before I started crying, I took a deep breath and said “$60 and my Social Security Card”. I’m sure I had a tampon and other things in there too but she didn’t need to know that. Finally, she smiled- “Okay it’s yours. We have it here.” I sighed a gigantic sigh of relief and she paged a security guard to bring it. I wanted to hug the guy when I saw him with it. I hugged it to my chest when I got it (and I swear I would have kissed it if no one was looking). I muttered a thousand thank you’s and went to Starbucks. I’m beaming and almost crying tears of joy.

I’m ordering my coffee and someone behind me says “Shahzzzzz!”. It’s Mr. Photography dude, I practically flung myself into his arms and greeted him hello.

“Whoa, you’re in a good mood” he said. I shake my head, “You’re not gonna believe what just happened!”

I tell him and he shakes his head in disbelief, “Why the fuck would you carry your social security number in your purse? Memorize it!”

I laugh. He asks me how I could almost lose my Coach purse that I keep glued to my body at all times. I give him a half smile and I’m about to tell him when the genius figures it out himself….

“HOLY SHIT. You were distracted weren’t you?” he says.

I try to play it dumb. “Distracted? Distracted by what?”

He grabs his coffee, “Um what? I think you mean who darling.”

I raise my eyebrows and still keep playing dumb. “Prince Player, Shahz! Prince Player!” he says.

Great he completely figured it out. I gasp, “No way sweetie. No way.”

“Um yea Sad Beauty. Didn’t you tell me once how you saw Heart in the Student Center and you lost your phone there because you were so distracted by his presence?”

Oh yea I did. I shrug, and then I can’t stop laughing. “Shut up okay?” I say.

Mr. Photography dude shakes his head and laughs, “No you better stop habibti, not all of your shit that you lose because you keep getting distracted will always come back to you”.

I roll my eyes at him, “Well neither will the men in my life! They won’t come back either!”

He shakes his head and smiles “You and your analogies. How are they doing?”

I shrug and pour cream into my coffee, “Well it seems. Neither are talking to me as usual.”

He leans over, “Look at me Sad Beauty”.

I do. “Give it time” he says. “If it’s meant to be, he’ll come back”.

Ah. So he’s talking about Heart. I’m glad he’s on Heart’s side. We shall see.

im a hot smart womenIt’s a very important year and I shouldn’t keep getting distracted…. This week I got some more news that through off my plans, I’m ineligible for the combined Bachelor’s/Master’s program that I was planning to do here :( What will my future look like now? Classes are challenging, the roomie’s boyfriend is here ALL THE TIME (he slept over and ate my mango ice cream last night :0 ), oh and did I mention my love for Heart? Right. Whatever it is, I won’t quit ;) I hope all this madness cools down and my readers are having a nice week :)

xoxo. S.

The Interview: On the Men In My Life

IMG_1540Mr. Photography dude and I are having a good conversation so far. I dig into my pancakes more.

“So about Prince Player-” he begins. Wait what. Why does he get to be in my interview?

“How about no?” I ask sticking my fork in between my pancake.

Mr. Photography dude rolls his eyes, “Okay what is it now, Sad Beauty?”

I swallow. “I saw him yesterday”.

“I hope you were civil.”

I look at the floor, and then to the side. “Oh no. That look. She did something stupid” he says to Mr. Sidekick.

I sigh very loudly. “I didn’t do anything. That’s the thing. I just stood there.”

“Can you give us a moment?” he asks Mr. Sidekick.

He nods and goes to the restroom.

“What’s wrong with you? How could he make you so speechless?”

“Okay, okay, okay this is what happened. It’s been a crazy week, I haven’t seen him in two months, and we didn’t talk much over break. Last night, I was having very bad cramps and was very hormonal-”

“Sad beauty, TMI. Please hun” he says a little confused.

I laugh “No I mean, I was in that awful state of health and Jim (mine and Mr. Photography dude’s mutual friend) wanted to see me for dinner. I thought it would be nice because …yesterday was what would have been mine and Heart’s one year anniversary. Like our actual one, the day we had our first date. I was already feeling down, so I was eating ice cream with Jim and having a nice time. Then I went to buy some water. I freakin’ turn around and Prince Player is standing there very nicely dressed!!!!”

“And that made you speechless” Mr. Photography dude says laughing.

“No, no, no!” I say smacking him. “It wasn’t that. I just stood there and I was trying to say *Fancy seeing you here*. But then he just started saying a lot of things at once and hugged me. And it hurt. It was a tight hug, I had to gasp for air. It was fake. And quick. Just like our relationship.”

“Strong words Sad Beauty, strong words” he says laughing.

“Wait, wait, wait. I didn’t mean it like that. You know as usual, he was very busy and I just wanted 5 minutes to catch up with him and he barely gave me 1 minute. And then he said he’ll text me. Which I know he won’t.”

“And why is that Sad Beauty?”

“BECAUSE. He’s only saying that because he feels bad for me. He knows I’m a little nutcase.”

“Is it ever like this with Heart?”

“Kind of. But we’ll just say hi. He won’t say a bunch of stuff at once and leave me. Oh and he doesn’t even have to tell me he’ll text me, because he does text me and check up on me! But when I see Prince Player, it’s like a competition of who can care less.”

Mr. Photography dude rests his face in his hands.

“Oh and by the way, Jim told my I had lip gloss on my teeth. Prince Player always catches me when I have lip gloss on my teeth!!!”

Mr. Photography dude is laughing very hard now. “Oh my god. You are too much for me princess” he motions for Mr. Sidekick dude to join us again.

“Okay so apparently. Sad Beauty had an interaction with her player guy last night and it didn’t go well. Also she has PMS, so we must be sensitive” he says laughing to Mr. Sidekick.

I kick him under the table and give him a look.

“OW! Shahz!” he says grabbing his foot. I give him look and he reaches out for my hand, “Okay, okay sorry habibti. Let’s quickly get your take on Prince Player and we could move on to Heart, okay?”

I stick my tongue out at him. And he begins. “So how did you find out that he got with your friend?”

Well that was fast. I swallow. “I’m not sure. At first I just had a gut feeling. Because I would see him talking to her the way he used to talk to me. Actually, he seemed to care more about her. Like that one weekend I saw my dad toss the divorce papers at my mom and I was feeling miserable, and I came to school for an event and showed my brave face anyway, I heard him ask HER “is everything okay?” and they randomly disappeared for an hour. That’s the moment I knew. He cared more about her than he did about me. Because if he gave two shits about me, he would ask me if everything was okay”

I could feel the tears in my eyes but they don’t fall. Mr. Sidekick is scribbling everything fast, Mr. Photography dude motions for him to stop. “Don’t write that part” I hear him say.

“Continue” he says.

“Shortly after that, it was Summer and I didn’t see either of them for three months. Then school began and I was having a small party and…one of my friends told me. It was true. It was confirmed. Everyone around us knew. Except me. I felt stupid. I felt naive. I felt used. I felt humiliated-” suddenly I can’t speak. I take a deep breath and proceed. “I was a fool, every time I thought he was with her I would tell myself that I was just being paranoid and he would never do anything to hurt me. I also told myself that he is probably going through a lot as well. But hell, that’s no excuse. Because when I was losing 15 pounds, suffering from the horrible ADHD treatment, and trying to mend my broken family- I was still there for him. And he fucking chose her. It was the ultimate betrayal.”

When I look at Mr. Photography dude he has closed his eyes. His face is buried in his hands and I think he knows what I’m about to say next. So I continue.

“After I cried on the bathroom floor for 6 hours, I knew he wasn’t worth it. A true friend wouldn’t leave their friend for someone else when they are dealing with a crisis in their health, education, and family. So I told myself that if I was able to get through all of that without him, I’m sure as hell going to get through everything else without him.”

Mr. Photography dude and Mr. Sidekick are sitting in shock.

Mr. Photography dude’s eyes are red and he can barely speak. So I decide to give them one last piece of sass, “And you know what? I fucking did! I made the Dean’s list, I kicked ADHD’s behind….and fell in love… with someone else”

They look at each other and then at me, “Do you know what you just said, Sad Beauty?” Mr. Photography dude asks smiling.

I’m confused. “No….” I say.

“You just gave us a tagline to use for your portfolio! Bravo Sad Beauty, bravo” Mr. Photography dude says shaking his head.

Oh brother. Why does my pain over Prince Player get me good publicity?

“We could use her photo that I took of her on the runway for that one. Show the viewers how fierce she is now. But let’s use the one where the audience is blurred and she isn’t posing. It will show the definition of what I mean by *Sad Beauty*” he says to Mr. Sidekick.

I roll my eyes. Sure. Show everyone how I became stronger because Prince Player hurt me. I want them to stop talking about it so I say something to get their attention…

“He left me because my ass wasn’t big enough.”

Mr. Sidekick chokes on his orange juice and Mr. Photography raises his eyebrows at me, “How do you know that Sad Beauty?”

I look at my pancakes sadly. “He told me. He said that she had a bigger ass and I had bigger…boobs.”

They are both trying hard not to laugh and I smile a little.

Mr. Sidekick gets up to take a phone call. And Mr. Photography dude leans in. “There is nothing wrong with the size of your… butt. Your body is perfect. You know that right?”

“Yes…Heart has told me many times” I wink.

He laughs and seems a little hesitant, “…he hooked up with other girls besides her right?” I roll my eyes, “Oh yea. Like 5 other ones.”

He shakes his head in disbelief and laughs, “Don’t make assumptions Sad Beauty, I doubt that’s true”.

I give him my best innocent look and bat my eyelashes, “You’re right….it was 6.”

And Mr. Photography dude laughs at first but then he looks like he is thinking hard to himself. “If everything you said about him is true…and you have so much love for Heart…why in the world do you still give a damn about the player?”

I cross my arms. “Because. Every time I look at him, I think of our past. Our past serves as a gentle reminder of all the obstacles I have encountered and how tough I am. And I am one tough b**** ” I say proudly.

Mr. Photography dude really can’t stop laughing now, “Heart is one lucky dude. It’s a shame what he is missing” he says.

Hmmm I like how he is talking about him in the present tense.

“Oooooo can we talk about him now?” I ask. He nods and Mr. Sidekick comes back.

Stay tuned for Part 3! I promise it’s just as hilarious and emotional as this one ;)

xoxo. S.

If you are just tuning in: Please take a look at First Week Back: A Proposal From Mr. Photography dude…and other musings! and The Interview: On Blogging About My Personal Life :)

The Interview: On Blogging About My Personal Life

FullSizeRenderI’m sitting in a diner, this is my first of four interviews that I am having because Mr. Photography is doing a project on me.

He has brought an assistant, “Shahz, this is my sidekick. He will take notes because your beauty distracts me and I can’t write, ask you questions, and look at you at the same time”.

I laugh. Bullshit.

Anyways, they decide to begin the interview.

“So Sad Beauty, I start out my analysis paper on you by saying you are a blogger and stuff. You write a lot of personal stuff. You write about your ADHD, your family, your intimate life-”

I choke on my pancake.

“What?” he looks offended.

“I absolutely do not talk about the last one!” I say in shock.

“Yes you do. Half your blog is about men and how they drive you crazy.”

I roll my eyes, “Well YES but I don’t give details of what I do with them…jeez”.

Mr. Sidekick whispers something in Mr. Photography dude’s ear and he nods. “Okay sorry, let’s just call it your love life”.


He continues, “So when it comes to topics like these, how do you deal with people reading these things….especially your *love life*?”

I inhale deeply. “Okay, I don’t talk about my *intimate life* that much. When that happens between me and Heart, it’s between me and him. I don’t kiss and tell. And if it happens between me and Prince Player, well forget it- it never happens between me and him anyway.”

“Fair enough. But you do talk about your encounters about them. What if they read what you wrote?”

“I could care less. If they are so close to me, they should already know what I’m gonna write about them.”

“Interesting. And what about writing about your ADHD and family? Aren’t you afraid that people who know about your blog will find about personal things like these?”

“No. I don’t write it for the people that know me. I write it for the many people all around the world who suffer like I do. Women who don’t feel quite independent yet, people with ADHD, people trying to just make the best of life despite everything they are surrounded by.”

Mr. Photography dude is staring at me. “But you do get upset that those people that know you still read it and judge you…right?”

“Yea. I mean, I just have to realize that’s what happens when I have a public website and I decide to practice my freedom of expression. But I just tell myself, I care more about giving hope to the 1,000 individuals that visit my website weekly than the 10 people who want to be nosy about my life.”

Mr. Photography dude won’t stop smiling. After a while, he says “You are one badass.” Mr. Sidekick nods. I’m glad I got his approval.

I shake my head, “You haven’t heard anything yet, sweetie”.

And then I pose for the picture shown above :) Stay tuned for the next part!

xoxo. S.