Greetings From Abroad

Reader! Sorry I didn’t write a post before I left. Things were crazy busy.

I write to tell you that I made it safely and am very jetlagged. It’s currently 5 in the morning here and I am so bored. My brother and I are at the gym lol. For two more days, we will be in this part of India. This is the fancy part of India that most aren’t familiar with. It’s clean, a lot of people speak English, and there is wi-fi! On Wednesday, we will go  to our actual hometown in India. Where things are the exact OPPOSITE. But still, I’m excited to see my family.

Hope to write to you soon reader, most likely when I get back to Denver.

Till then,

S.

It’s a bad day, not a bad life…

bad dayMy god. What a day yesterday. I had actually been having a great few days before as I told “Prince Player” what I needed to tell him (about the new ADHD treatment) and “Heart” has finally been communicating with me. But the thing is, my lower jaw and a tooth have been aching for weeks. It’s been really hard to get hold of a dentist because of our new insurance. But yesterday, I woke up to even more pain and a migraine. So I finally found one and went to see him.

As it turns out, I have an ingrown wisdom tooth. The dentist wanted to perform an emergency extraction and I was okay with that. However, my parents were not. They said there is no way I will heal in time as I have my Chem final on Thursday and we have a 26 hour flight to India on Friday.

Holy. Crap. Why does everything ALWAYS happen to me at once? How am I supposed to take a two hour exam and travel half way across the world with this pain? For some reason, I wanted to immediately talk to “Heart” or really anyone but I just told myself to forget it. I just cried all day about my untreated toothache and continued studying for Chem.

My parents say I can get it out once we get back in two weeks. Or in India if it’s “that big of a deal”. But really. Two weeks of this pain :(

Later last night, I overheard my mom tell my dad how crazy I am and how my new ADHD treatment is just making me crazier. It made me even more sad. When did she become like the rest of society?

A teardrop ran down my face.

Imagine the look on her face when she saw me in the doorway as I heard the whole thing. She gasped when she realized.

“Don’t” I said.

A few weeks ago “Prince Player” and I were conversing and he said “Man it sucks being us.” At the time I shrugged it off and sent him an inspirational quote about how God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. I thought about it yesterday. But, even my own positivity just couldn’t help me.

So I told myself, it’s a bad day…not a bad life.

xoxo. S.

Summer is almost over…in chemistry, love, and traveling

Sigh. What a week. Monday started out with a huge Chem midterm. I passed :) Next week, I take my final and I will be all done with Chem 2! And the day after that, I’ll be heading to India <3

Wednesday, I went to see my new ADHD specialist and she has started me on a new treatment plan. I wanted to text "Prince Player" immediately…but I got all shy so I waited. I decided to tell him later that night. I messaged him saying "I need to tell you something btw". No response. Oh well… he'll just have to hear it when he sees me I guess.

Most of my friends said I should tell "Heart". But…I can't. I'm not ready yet. This can either make or break our relationship, and I just need more time. I'll tell him when I see him.

The specialist asked about him by the way. She asked if I was in a relationship. I giggled and got all teary eyed. I just said…"On and off". And then she asked, "Is it on or off right now?" That was an interesting question. I had to laugh as I said "On". Because, for some reason…it feels off. I wish he would talk to me more. Like we did over winter break. Does he not get that I'm going to India a week from today and won't be able to communicate with him for two weeks? I really hope the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true.

xoxo. S.

If the Men In My Life Were Gilmore Girls Characters…

Tristan“Sugar” would be Tristan: Tristan is kind of an ass, and loved by every female- except Rory. And although he is so flirtatious, the only girl he has “a thing” for is Rory. Sounds exactly like “Sugar” and me.

 

logan

 

“C” would be Logan: “C” comes from a wealthy family and is very afraid of commitment. Logan was the same way.

 

 

Christopher“Prince Player” would be Christopher: This was a hard one! “Prince Player” is really one of a kind because I just could not find a character in the show that resembles him. But I thought and I thought and I thought about how “Prince Player” and I had a good connection, left me at my worst, and is now there for me and understands me when I need him the most. And in the show, the character who does that is Christopher. Christopher and Lorelai have that on and off relationship after she gets pregnant with Rory and he leaves her. But he comes back years later and gets Lorelai’s quirkiness the way others don’t. She relies on him when she’s at her worst and they have their little inside jokes. That is very me and “Prince Player”.

jess and rory 1“Heart” would be Jess: Oh yes. I saved the best for last. Calm down ladies…really who did not fall in love with Jess watching Gilmore Girls? Jess was the troubled bad boy that worked in his uncle Luke’s diner. He knows Rory better than anyone else. After falling for “Heart”, I would always think about how he resembled Jess. He’s very handsome, hard working, “bad”, and passionate about me the way Jess was to Rory. All the reviews about him say that he was the only ex-boyfriend of Rory’s that she stayed on good terms with. I hope if “Heart” and I split- we stay on good terms as well.

Did any of you watch Gilmore Girls? Who was your favorite?? :)jess and rory

xoxo. S.

I Wish He Would Stop Smoking…

I woke up this morning, and had my daily morning routine. I sneezed three times and coughed up some weird stuff. Yup, Daddy’s smoking is really messing up my system.

I love my Dad. My dad works 16 hours a day to provide me everything I need and is always there for an extra boost of encourage. But I absolutely HATE his smoking.

When I was young, my grandpa told me Daddy started smoking with his buddies when he was 14 and it was hard for him to quit since then. “You see Shaz, smoking is bad. It can possibly kill you. Please, please, tell your dad to quit. He won’t listen to me!” I was six when Grandpa told me. SIX. I didn’t know smoking was bad, I just knew that if Daddy didn’t get his smoke twice a day- he’d be mad. And so I did what Grandpa asked.

I could see a sense of shame in my father’s eyes that day. Hearing from his six year old daughter that he needs to stop smoking so that he could be there for her one day. But it was hard. Although he reduced his intake, he still did it. And then three years later, Grandpa passed away. And Daddy stopped smoking for good. Boy was he pissed for the longest time. But by the time I was in high school, he took in to other hobbies and forgot all about it.

But then, college began. And Daddy’s new job began. Daddy’s job with rich men and fancy lifestyle. And what does he do with them? Enjoy life and smoke. Yup, there he goes again.

He’s trying to quit again. And I’m leaving for school soon. So it’s not bothering me too much. But here’s what Daddy doesn’t know. I smoked once. ONCE. And it was probably one of the most liberating days of my life. No, I never touched a cigarette again…but how could I blame him?

xoxo. S.

And So It Happened

Yes reader, after shedding a few tears and praying for six weeks that he would- he finally talked to me.

“Heart” <3 These past few days, both “Prince Player” and “C” communicated with me. But really how thee truthcould I care about them the same way I do about “Heart” as I hate “C” and “Prince Player” will always keep treating me as just a friend.

And so this is why I prayed “Heart” would talk to me. And he did <3 Tuesday evening, I received a text and I thought it was “Prince Player” or “C” when my phone buzzed. BUT IT WAS “HEART”. He texted me because Wednesday was a special holiday in my family and he wanted to wish me! IT WAS THE CUTEST THING EVER. I decided to take advantage of the opportunity and admit my weakness as I texted back, “Thanks sweetie! Miss you so much!”

And he immediately responded back that he missed me too <3 So there we began talking. He asked me how much I missed him and I said, “So much”. And then I asked him the same. Guess what he said? “Shahz…I died every second. Your tan skin makes me cry at night.” FINALLY. A guy that likes me as much as I like him.

He explained that all he’s been doing over the summer is work. I think he works an 11am to 11pm shift almost every day. My poor baby. He also explained that he’s continuing to have a lot of family stress on top of work. No wonder why he hasn’t been speaking to me. And so he called me and we talked some more. Then he had to go to bed. I fell asleep feeling amazing.

And then I got a text from “Prince Player”. I responded even though I was half asleep. And he never responded. Why does he do that to me.

yupAnyways, I’m glad “Heart” and I are talking again…but I know it’s always going to be on and off. I’ll hate him one day, and love him the next. No one is on our side. Could you blame them? “Heart” can be so cruel at times. But…we can’t blame him either. He has so much to handle.

I wonder if timing will ever be right for me and “Heart” to pursue our relationship :(

xoxo. S.

 

On Bees and Efs (Where did my friends go?)

The more “Heart” refuses to talk to me, the more I participate in writing daily posts (even though I’m a little belated on each topic!)

Daily Post: Do you — or did you ever — have a Best Friend? Do you believe in the idea of one person whose friendship matters the most? Tell us a story about your BFF (or lack thereof).

6f658b1f68ad46f294c77de808e1d081The last month of school, one of my best friends asked me why I am just so attached to my family. I didn’t know how to answer her question, but after telling her about how many times we’ve moved and the different people that have come across my life- she figured it out and put in words I never imagined. “I get it. Every one that has ever gotten close to you and became your friend…left.” She was totally right, and I’m boggled that I never thought about that. I have never had one best friend, they were always temporary as they disapeared whenever one of our lives changed. Here’s a few:

Catalina: She was my first ever best friend. In Miami, I was her neighbor and we were always in the same classes together. We did our homework together every other day and slept over at each other’s houses all the time. She was probably my longest best friend- we lasted 7 years! You could imagine us both crying when I told her I was moving to Chicago. After I moved, we talked on the phone for about two months. And then- nothing. 5 years later I got on Facebook and re-connected with her. She and I were so happy that we got to reunite. We caught up on each others lives and talked. But again, 2 months later- nothing. So here I am, we’re 20 now and it’s been 10 years since we last saw each other. I see her face on my news feed every other day, and what do you know- she is now a model and actress. And I miss her.

Annie, Maddie, Kelly, and Mary: After I moved to Chicago, I was so bummed. Middle school. I had no friends, was in the middle of puberty, and living in a very cold place. And then I met Mary. Mary was so outgoing, the moment after we worked on a project together she introduced me to Kelly and Maddie. Little did she know, Kelly and I already new each other. We were neighbors and she asked if she could sit next to me on the bus the first day of school. Kelly, Mary, and Maddie had been friends since the 1st grade- but they all welcomed me into their lives. We had constant spa parties, movie nights, and outings at fancy restaurants. It was like “Sex and the City” middle school style.

In between this, I met a girl named Annie. I loved Kelly, Mary, and Maddie but they didn’t get my lifestyle. We were all very privileged and came from well known families, I started feeling spoiled. Annie had foreign parents and was an immigrant like myself, she was extremely humble. It was nice to talk to her about all of the pressures and complications of coming from a background like ours.

I loved all my girlfriends. But by 8th grade, everything changed. Maddie and Kelly were always better friends and they didn’t include me and Mary. Kelly ended up moving, I no longer had a bus buddy. We would talk on the phone- but that stopped. Finally, a year later- I saw her at a party and she acted like she didn’t know me. Maddie started hanging out with other girls since Kelly moved, and those other girls never liked me. So Maddie stopped liking me as well and started spreading rumors about me. Annie started believing these rumors, and began cyber bullying me. It was a nightmare. In that awful year, Mary stood by me, she refused to believe anything bad about me. But then, high school came. She made new friends, cut her hair so short, and you guessed it- stopped talking to me.

Evan, Steven, Ben, and Eitan: Yup. After all those girls did what they did, I decided that I can no longer have girlfriends. It’s not like I planned it or anything, but I met Evan in my first period English class. We always got in the most heated arguments and our teacher told us that Evan really likes me and can’t man up to say so. I loved that class <3 I didn’t have the same feelings for Evan, but I liked how I could talk to him about things without drama. Through Evan, I met Steven and Ben. Steven would always and STILL comfort me through chat messages. Evan and Ben are always sleeping when I have my drama going on, but Steven was always there to offer the best advice and calm me down. Ben was great because he always knows how to make us laugh and calm Evan down (he can be so darn bitter at times!) We also went on many outings together and had fun moments of singing pop songs that Evan hates as he drove us places.

Although we all got even closer by senior year, it sucked that I was the only one not knowing where I was going to college in the Fall. I was so stressed and then I met Eitan. Eitan was a Sophomore and he really lightened me up. He watched as I finally got into the school I wanted to go to and celebrated with me.

As college began, I began to go out with Evan a lot (AS FRIENDS) since we went to school in the same city. He would constantly text me to make sure I was okay whenever “Prince Player” came over and checked up on me when my family was moving to Colorado. Although I was always able to talk to him about things, I hated the way he would constantly judge me. He was starting to really annoy me as he kept asking why I do some of the things I do and why I believe some of the things I believe.

I don’t talk to him anymore. He tried talking to me a few weeks ago, but I gave him one word answers. I just don’t enjoy his presence the way I used to.

Same thing with Eitan, I don’t really enjoy his presence anymore either.

I lost touch with Ben sadly.

Steven is just….perfect. After all these years, whenever I chat him up, he is still there for me and listens. Even if I talk crap about Evan- he is there for me. And he makes me laugh until my stomach hurts :) He loves me just the way I am. And I love him right back and hope he never leaves <3

College/”Prince Player”: College is not a person, it is the place where I currently am. Which is why I can’t really talk about my current best friends as I don’t know where our friendship(s) are headed. I’ve got my girlfriends (yes I believe in having girls as friends again), my guy friends, my students, and my colleagues. Even though I can’t talk about any one of these, there has been one in my journey so far that stands out.

“Prince Player”. Please type him in my search box and read about our wonderful history. For some reason, I had a gut feeling he and I would be more than friends the moment I met him… He declared me as his best friend in a month of knowing me and I couldn’t help but do the same. He thought I was pretty, smart, and funny. I thought the same of him, and like Steven, he made me laugh until my stomach hurt. Throughout our dialogues, I liked how I could talk to him about things and the way he didn’t judge me the way Evan and other friends of mine did. I didn’t mind as we became more than “best friends”, but I just knew after that moment together that we are probably not going to get our friendship back.

After one month of being best friends, and a few more months of being more than friends, he like everyone else…left. But unlike everyone else, he left at the time I needed a best friend the most. It was so cold and out of the blue.

It took some time, but I got inspiredover it and started Sophomore year fresh. I started dating a nice guy and I felt good again. But I could sense “Prince Player” was not, and I wanted to be there for him. Sure he left me, but there was a time before that when he was there for me. As my boyfriend and I began a series of fallouts- he was there for me just like old times. But unlike old times, he always texted me when I was at my worst even though he didn’t know it. He started becoming the friend I hoped he would be. His non-judgemental view of me continued, and I couldn’t help but accept him back into my life again. No, he may not consider me his best friend anymore. But he is my friend.

I say this last part right here to end my sad post on a happy note showing that it is always possible to get a friend back. My mom always said, “you get what you give”. Don’t hold grudges, if someone was once a good friend to you- let them know how much they meant to you :)

xoxo. S.

Inspired by: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/on-bees-and-efs/

Am I Wrong?

We all have songs that remind us of specific periods and events in our lives. Twenty years from now, which song will remind you of the summer of 2014?

It will have to be “Am I Wrong” by Nico and Vinz. It recaps my past year.

This whole year, I’ve been having to defend myself. Everytime I said something, everyone wanted to know why. Whether it was the decision to change my major, quit my job, my ADHD, my like for “Prince Player”, my love for “Heart”, not posting the Facebook status everyone else was posting- I had to tell myself that I am not wrong. I am not wrong for having a vision, I am not wrong for thinking “Heart” and I can be something real, and I am not wrong for not doing what everybody else is doing. This road is mine, I’ll fall but I’ll grow.

That’s just how I feel <3

xoxo. S.

Inspired by: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/musical-marker/

Since when did they become more important anyway?

9 am Denver time, my phone is buzzing- it’s my friend from back home wanting to skype.

“How about no” I say half asleep with my dog on top of me.

“Omg!! Shaz. WAKE UP. We need to have our weekly gossip sesh” she says.

“There is nothing to gossip about” I say.

“Which man is it this time? Heart or Prince Player”

Okay now I’m awake. I get on skype.

“Both” I say.

“Start with the one you love the most” she says.

“He’s not speaking to me! Like, nothing. No snapchats, fb messages, texts, phone call. NOTHING!”

“I see, how about the other one?” she says.

“He likes someone else. What’s new.”

“Why does this make you upset?” she asks.

“I’m not. I’m happy for him!” I say.

“Keep telling yourself that. Answer my question” she says.

“Becauseeeeee. This always happens. We get together when we are at our worst, we comfort each other, and then I think we have a chance of being together- AND THEN BAM! He admits he likes someone else. I’ll never be more than a friend to him” I say.

My friend can only make a sad face at me.

“Did you tell him that”?

I take in a breath. “No way.”

“Why not?”

“Because he likes her. And I love Heart. We both deserve something good” I shrug.

She sighs, “Well Shaz, I called to congratulate you on passing Chem….but I can see only men can make you happy now. Since when did they become more important?”

I laugh. I’m really proud of myself for passing Chemistry (I start Chemistry 2 today, dear God help me).

SJP-as-Carrie-carrie-bradshaw-24029211-500-374After thinking for a long time, I respond, “They aren’t. But I don’t know. Everything is going great, but there is that one hole in my heart. And without that space filled- I am incomplete.”

“You really are a writer, you know that?”

I wink at her. And with that, we are done. Hopefully I’ll have something better to tell her next Monday!

xoxo. S.

 

 

A Letter to Him, A Letter to Me

Well this is exciting. I’ve been pulling out my hair so much out of my missing “Heart” and I read in this book that a good thing to do is write a letter to someone, and then write one to yourself as a response from them.

Great. Here goes nothing.

For “Heart”:

Why oh why do you make me suffer, dear “Heart”? A month has passed since I last saw you and spoke to you. Do you plan to go the whole summer without saying a word to me? The World Cup ended Sunday so you can speak to me now.

Spare me the reason of your absence sweetie. I get it, I was a little out of it on our last day together. Could you blame me? I was upset over what happened the week before, I was in a rush to get all the crap out of my dorm, and we got together so last minute. I swear, timing is our worst enemy.

But knowing you, this probably isn’t it. You’re probably using this summer break to get over me and you’re trying to give me a hint to do the same.

I also know you have a lot going on. I hope work is going well. I hope your mother is well. And I hope your family oversees is doing well, yes I heard about what is going on in Palestine :( It isn’t fair. Have you heard that song “In a World Like this” by the Backstreet Boys? You probably have and you’re gonna deny it. But, it reminds me of this. And it reminds me of the question you asked when we first met- “Do you think the world is fair?” To which I responded, “Absolutely not”. And I tell you again, it isn’t. Stay strong. I’d like to cue the song now and say “In a world like this, I’ve got you” but it doesn’t seem like you want me.

So now I go back to eating madelines and praying that you’ll text me.

xoxo. Shahz. (no longer your soul or eyes)

***And so now I place myself in his shoes and write a letter to myself. Oh dear lol, bear with me!”

For Shahz:

God Shahz, why do you like me so much? I told you to stop. Yes, I’m using this summer to give us both space. You and I both know that this isn’t going to work….”in a world like this”. Did you like how I quoted the song? ;)

How dare you insult my love of soccer? I totally knew Germany would win. Anyways, don’t worry about our last time together. I was being a jerk anyway. I’m sorry. If we are together in the Fall, maybe timing will be better.

Yea, things are fine here. I’m good, my mom’s good… and you may have noticed from my Facebook status today that I am pissed the fuck off. It’s devastating Shahz! I love your homeland, I heard you’re going there to see your family in a month- have fun.

And what are you still doing listening to the Backstreet Boys? You’re so weird I swear. I do want you, you know that…but, to quote you again, “in a world like this” it isn’t happening.

Cool it on the madelines, sugar ain’t good for you!

And…I kind of need my soul and eyes. Don’t be so dramatic.

-Your Heart