My 21st Birthday….And Then Some

I’m old enough to know that facebook wallposts don’t mean as much as text and phonecall birthday wishes. I’m also old enough to know that my birthday is around Christmas time and most people seem to….eep….forget! Knowing all of that, I only wanted a birthday wish from 5 people: “Heart”, my brother, my best girl friend, my best guy friend Sam, and “Prince Player”.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, it was “Heart’s” birthday on Monday. I did end up wishing him and writing him a long text about how much he has inspired me and helped me this year. I told him that I hope to be as strong is him one day. He wrote me a long text back thanking me and assuring me that I can be even stronger than him :) I was happy, and wondered if I will write me a wish just as sweet on my birthday.

So when I woke up yesterday, I was greeted with my mom and dog smothering me and yelling HAPPY BIRTHDAY! My brother is working out of town and my dad has had a bad fever all week so it wasn’t a huge thing like it has been every other year. But still, I laughed and got a text from Sam wishing me a Happy 21st and telling me that I look more beautiful than ever :) I was so happy. And then I got a text from my best girl friend, she also posted a collage of our friendship on Facebook and wrote the sweetest post about me <3 I was so happy again. Then it was my brother’s turn, he called and also wrote on Facebook that he can’t believe I am “21 years young”. So sweet <3 All that was left to wish me were “Heart” and “Prince Player”. It was getting late…

some peopleAnd so finally, I was sitting in a bar with my mom having margaritas when I got a text from “Heart”. It said “Happy birthday Shahz :) Continue to do big things <3 Thank you for a wonderful year :)” My eyes got teary eyed in a bar. That last line really got me. It was him that made this past year so special! I thanked him and he actually continued checking up on me throughout the night (I haven’t really drank much before). In between my hangover, I was shocked that “Prince Player” didn’t wish me. All this time I thought “Heart” wouldn’t wish me….but it was “Prince Player” who ended up forgetting.

“You see! This is a sign God thinks “Heart” is a better man for me!” I told my guy friends from back home. They always have a constant debate on who’s the “better man” for me and ALWAYS side with “Prince Player”.

“No hun. Prince Player was probably just wrapped up with Christmas planning and his family. And Heart probably wants you to be there for him when he wants to do you again ” they said.

My jaw was on the floor. And then I started laughing, “YOU GUYS!!!!”

They shrugged and I got a belated snapchat wish from “Prince Player” today. Better than nothing I guess….

Anyways, my um…hangover…has faded. Yesterday, my family surprised me with tickets to Vegas :) We will be there for Christmas next week! My dad is still a little sick and I’m currently writing this to you from the emergency room :/ Things will get better soon- I know it.

Age 20 has been my most successful year yet, but I owe a lot of that to “Heart” for giving me the confidence to do so. I don’t have him anymore, so I wonder what 21 will bring me.

xoxo. S.

A Letter to My Ex On His Birthday: “Because You Loved Me”

This is probably the toughest post I have had to write since the poem called “Fake”. You know about that one, don’t you darling? After that one broke my heart, you came along. And I have never been the same.

Today is a day I thank God.Your simple presence always lit up my day. Exactly one year ago, as I was wishing you a happy birthday, we declared our like for each other. I still remember you telling me that you’re going to call me “Eyes” because I help you see. And then I told you that I’m gonna call you “Heart” because you keep me alive and beating. We promised each other our like wouldn’t turn into love. But we both broke it. We fell is love so fast. And you know what? I had never been happier.

The few months before I met you was a pain. I found out that the guy I was with before you hooked up with one of my close friends :( I was humiliated. I felt used and stupid. I was diagnosed with ADHD and my treatment caused hospitalizations, weight loss, and depression. And as I confided in you, my dad wasn’t being so nice to my mom. I felt like I was good for nothing.

Then there was you. I was dancing at that party one night, I saw you staring at me like I was…something amazing. I walked over to you with all of these bruises over my heart. I was perfect in your eyes, you took me in immediately and showed me a way. Every day after that, we talked and you inspired me to keep moving forward. Little by little, I revealed my bruises to you and you still looked at me like I was an angel or something.

Any problem I had, you would rub my shoulders and tell me what I could do about it. My bruises kept fading away. I have never felt so strong. You were always so brave. You had problems of your own, but all I could do was hold you against my chest and tell you “everything will be okay” and that I’ll pray for you.

I don’t know if my heart will ever be the same. Don’t worry, I will continue to see other guys (if they even want to see me). I know you want me to be happy. Is it selfish for me to say, I hope you’re not seeing anyone else? Yea, I think so. But still. I miss you. I will for a while. My world is a better place, because you loved me. Have a wonderful birthday, may all of your wishes come true <3

xoxo. No longer your eyes (or soul).

Our Upcoming Birthdays…

best part“Heart’s” birthday is on Monday. Mine is on Friday.This year, I’m not so excited to celebrate it as I was last year. All because of him. Which really stinks because I turn 21 this year! How in the world do we wish our ex’s a happy birthday? Do we wish them at all? I wish my birthday was before his so he would make the first move and I would know how to proceed.

I do wish all my past lovers a happy birthday. Most of the time I write them very short wishes, and they say thanks. The last birthday was “Prince Player’s”. I gave him a longer wish. I think I told him about how after everything we have been through, I wouldn’t change a thing about our relationship. And he responded very nicely.

Will the same thing happen with “Heart”? I loved this guy for God’s sake.I just keep asking myself a series of “What if’s?” What if he tells me he found someone else? What if he says he doesn’t miss me? What if he asks me how I’m doing and I tell him I’m miserable and he doesn’t feel the same way? What if I write him a long sweet wish, and he gives me a short one? Oh and, what if he doesn’t wish me a happy birthday at all? One time, I wished him a Happy Valentine’s Day…and he responded saying “Thank you!” Lol :(

Reader’s, what do you think?

P.S-I’m really happy that My Attachment Theory: Airplanes received so many hits! Thanks for reading!

xoxo. S.

My Attachment Theory: Airplanes

It’s the post I have been nervous to release but the one my readers have been waiting for. I was reading Saying Goodbye to Freshman Year…Love, Faith, and my Auburn Hair :) from a year and a half ago, and I was impressed with my maturity. It’s funny how things eventually fell into place.

One day a month or so ago, when I was with “Prince Player”, I just stared at him. We both new what was going on. I was in love with someone else, and “Prince Player” didn’t want me as more than a friend. So why did I feel so attached to him? It’s like he read my mind, “I don’t know. For some reason you’re still attached to me” he said. I wanted to explain to him why, but I couldn’t find the words.

For one thing, I’m attached to everyone that has appeared in my life. Be it the cashier at the grocery store, a neighbor, anyone really. But for the most part, he came into my life when everything was…. perfect. When I met him, I was so happy and excited for college. I had freedom. I had a new beginning. My family was happy. I was confident. I was stable.

airplanesWhen he started doing what he is oh so popular for, that’s when my life started to fall apart. My parents wanted a divorce, I was diagnosed with ADHD, I hated myself, I officially became unstable.

So why do I have an attachment towards “Prince Player?” Because every time I look at him, I remember when my life was perfect.

That’s not to say I’m not happy now. Because of my heartbreak over “Prince Player”, I met “Heart”. And “Heart” taught me that it doesn’t have to be perfect. He came into my life when everything was falling apart. But, he was the glue that brought everything together. My parents ended up working everything out and moving to Colorado together, my ADHD is a struggle but he and my family helped me with it, I am confident, “Heart” made me stable again. It’s obvious why I have an attachment towards “Heart”.

But that “Prince Player” one always remained a mystery to me, until now. When I look at him, all I think about is how as B.O.B says “Yeah, I could use a dream or a genie or a wish,to go back to a place much simpler than this.” So… that time when I first met him.

It”s true, life never gets easier. So there’s no reason to go back. But if anyone asks why I’m still attached to him, we know why. It’s the one point in my life where everything was….perfect and I never had to pretend that airplanes were shooting stars so that I could make a wish <3

xoxo. S.

How Dever Days Have Been Going: I’ve Loved and I’ve Lost

bestI stare out the window and play with the necklace around my neck every other hour. No, he didn’t give it to me- but he used to play with it too. I have no one to do that for me anymore.

Two of my friends got engaged this past weekend. I wanted to puke. I am so happy for them. But I wonder, will that ever happen to me?

I went to the mall on Friday, I saw a guy that looked just like him. And then I realized, it was his brother. I wanted to go up to him and ask how Heart was doing…but I just walked the other way.

I check my phone every half hour, I don’t know why. I know that he won’t text me- he broke up with me for heaven’s sake.

My stomach hurts, but it has nothing to do with him. It has everything to do with the new treatment I’m on, but I can’t stop it. Because if I do, I won’t have any motivation to participate in two winter classes I’m taking. And I’ll just sit think about him and watch movies like I have been doing all day (because I decided not to follow the treatment today).

Sigh. I hope Denver Days get better.

xoxo. S.

A Taylor Swift Song For Each of My Lovers…

It’s been exactly one week since I came home. I don’t miss anyone. Well I do, I miss the men in my life. I don’t know why I keep checking my phone every few minutes- I know he won’t text me. Taylor Swift has been helping me grieve. Here are a few of my favorites.

#4- Love Story For “Sugar”

It’s self explanatory. I really wanted to choose this song for “Heart”. But, most of it was more applicable to “Sugar”.

Runner Up: Back to December

#3- Teardrops on My Guitar for “C”

Clearly, I don’t feel this way about him anymore. But back when I used to like him, I would always see him with that girlfriend of his and I would cry. She had everything “I have to live without”.

#2- You Belong With Me for “Prince Player”

I wanted to devote so many Taylor Swift songs to this one haha. But. I thought back to the way I felt about him before “Heart” and I started dating and the lyrics to this one seemed so applicable. I was a normal girl but I understood him so well and I have always been there for him as Taylor sings in the song. And I always thought to myself “you belong with me”. I always waited for that moment where I walk out in a beautiful white dress like Taylor Swift did at 3:06….but it never happened lol.

#1- Ours for “Heart”

Again, I wanted to dedicate so many songs to him. At first, I considered “Mine” because he literally is the best thing that has ever been mine. Then I considered “Red”. Every single word is our relationship. “Loving him was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street. Touching him was like realizing everything you ever wanted was right there in front of you.” And also in the words of Taylor, forgetting him is like trying to know somebody I never met :(

But looking at our entire relationship, “Ours” is the best. A lot of people judged our relationship, like Taylor sings “Seems like there’s always someone who disapproves. They’ll judge it like they know about me and you. And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do.The jury’s out, but my choice is you”.He always made me feel so safe, I would always sing one line to him- “Your hands are rough, but they are where mine belong.” Sigh. I miss those hands already.

Runner Up: Red

xoxo. S.

7 Days Later…Denver Days Are About to Begin

“Denver Days”.

It sounds like some erotica novel I can write. But I can’t anymore. It will give me memories. It’s a term that “Heart” made up 7 days ago as he was breaking up with me.

“Don’t think I forgot about our Denver Days, Shahz”. He’s referring to exactly this time last year when fate brought us together as I had just moved to Colorado and he got a job there and we talked daily for 6 weeks.

Sadly, that won’t happen this winter break. He won’t text me everyday with a new philosophical conversation topic. I won’t see him working as I shop around the mall. He won’t talk to me until I fall asleep. I’m going to be so lonely and cold.

Why couldn’t he break up with me after break? I don’t know.

Anyways, finals are officially over. They started last Monday and every single day was stressful. Of course, the news that “Heart” gave me made it even more stressful. My friends were too busy to comfort me.

By Friday, I felt beat up and defeated. I walked into Photography class for my final exam and presentation. Mr. Photography dude came over immediately.

“Which guy is it?!?”

God how does he know these things.

“It’s the player isn’t it?”

I try not to cry, “no” I whisper.

“Shit. Is it…qalb (heart)?

Mr. Photography dude is also Arab and knows my story oh so well by now.

I nod sadly. I tell him the details.

“I don’t believe it” he says.

“Wallah” (I swear) I say sadly.

He shakes his head and places his hand on my back, “Asif, habibti” (Sorry, my dear).

“I feel miserable. My room doesn’t smell like passion and happiness anymore!” I say.

Mr. Photography dude smirks, “What does it smell like now?”

“Wrong doings”

And now I have him laughing so loudly we get a lot of stares. I try not to laugh and smile.

“How the hell does wrong doings have a smell, princess?” he wants to know.

When I don’t answer, he says “I don’t think you did anything wrong…”

He’s right. I sure didn’t. Heart is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I make the mistake of saying that last line out loud. I cover my mouth and Mr. Photography dude gasps.

“He’s the one that’s making you believe loving him is wrong, isn’t he?”

I nod my head.

“Let me tell you something sad beauty, it’s him that’s wrong. Loving is a strength, not weakness. You are so freakin’ strong for loving a man that has a lot of hard life circumstances and doesn’t know what he wants.”

I smile, but he doesn’t stop there.

“I’ll tell you what your room smells like sad beauty, it smells like inequality. The worlds you and I come from are so similar yet a little different from the one Heart comes from. He’s using that difference against you. And that’s not right.”

“He has no choice” I say.

“Yea but why does he keep leading you on? Why does he keep hurting you? He loves you? He should at least treat you right! His problems are not your problems. Take this as a blessing, go and be happy. You no longer have to worry about caring for him anymore.”

“But I like caring for him!!! I don’t want to be lonely” I say.

“You won’t be lonely. Take this time in Denver to spend time with your family and forget him” he says.

“Well fuck, that’s the same thing Heart said” I roll my eyes at him.

“So do it” he says.

Sigh. “Denver Days” sure as hell won’t be the same.

xoxo. S.

Do you believe in life after love?

I do. But today, “Heart” made it absolutely clear he does not. At least not with me.

After six weeks of not seeing him, he finally texted last night. He asked me how finals were going and when I’d be leaving for home. I told him next week and we agreed that today might be the best day because I have my biggest final next week. He said he wants to talk, I asked him it was serious. He said no. I asked him if it was going to make me sad (you never know what he means by talk) and he said “No, I promise”.

I barely slept last night. I wondered if he actually wanted to talk. Usually when he says that, we don’t really end up talking. But seeing as I haven’t seen him in 6 weeks, I had a feeling it was serious. Most people have been telling me he has been playing me, I knew deep down in my heart that’s absolutely false. He and I have so much love for each other. And as I later found out, that’s exactly what he wanted to talk about.

It was a very cold day out in Chicago. I doubted whether or not he would come see me, but he did. I put on a cute dress and did my make-up. He kissed me as soon as he walked in. So far so good I thought. As I held him in my embrace, he said he had to do homework. Uh what. I thought he was joking, so I laughed. But he said he seriously needed to submit something. So I said go for it. And then he changed his mind. All of a sudden, he was holding me in his embrace again. After being intimate for 10 minutes, he stopped.

“What does this mean to you?” he asked. Here we go again. I told him. And he said, “Look I’ve been talking to a lot of people. I’m becoming more religious, focused on work, focused on academics- and everyone tells me this is wrong. It is wrong to be intimate with a woman I have no future with”. Of course, he refuses to accept me to have a future with him.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have came over. See, this is why I wanted to do homework first, so I could have time to think about what to do. I didn’t mean to get intimate and break-up with you” he said.

I shook my head. Something tells me he would have done the same thing even if he had “time”.

He went to take the picture of us off my bulletin board. “Don’t” I said stone cold.

“I’m sorry. I just think it will help you forget about me better”.

“Don’t tell me how I can forget you. You have already done enough” I said trying not to cry.

And so he came to me. And said something that would alleviate anyone’s accusations of him being with another girl, “For the longest time, I had your photo as my phone wallpaper. Not this one, but of you on the night we met. But I had to remove it because when I was here last time, 6 weeks ago, I almost told you that I love you”. It all made sense now. And might I just add, there’s something “Prince Player” would not have done.

“So that’s why you haven’t been here in 6 weeks. Because you loved me and were trying not to love me” I said.

He held my hands and nodded, “You deserve to do all these things with someone you can have a future with. And so do I.”

I swallowed back tears and he started packing up. I thanked him for telling me all of this in person and he thanked me for letting him come over. Before I forgot, I found the bracelet he left behind last time he was here and I gave it to him, “You might not want to forget this”. He wore it and grabbed my wrists. And he placed his lips to my ear, “Use your time in Denver to forget me. Good luck on finals and have a safe trip back home”. I could barely speak, “Okay” I whispered.

And then he was gone. No kiss, no extra hug. I watched him walk away. I cried for a solid 5 minutes and went to bed. I had a nightmare that I was caught in a fire and paralyzed. I looked up the meaning, apparently it means that I have strong passion to someone and I am participating in risky activities- hence “playing with fire”. Well I guess my horrible dreams speaks for itself.

I wanted to keep fighting for us, but I know this is a losing battle for us. We can’t explain our culture and religions to others if we tried. But the thing is, I was willing to have a future with him. He on the other hand, does not believe in life after love. He used love as an excuse to end the life in our relationship.

“No matter how hard I try, you keep pushing me aside. And I can’t break through, there’s no talking to you. So sad that you’re leaving, takes time to believe it. But after all is said and done, you’re going to be the lonely one. Do you believe in life after love? I can feel something inside me say, I really don’t think you’re strong enough”.

xoxo. S.

The Good Parts of this Week

My last post didn’t really address the good parts about this week…I decided to write this one.

On Monday, I taught my students the unit on Academic Success. I told them the sob story (the story about me being diagnosed with ADHD my freshman year). The story of my weakness, a medication that turned me into something I’m not, and how I overcame it. I didn’t cry thank goodness, I kept it together. Every time I felt a tear coming on, I just swallowed and told myself that my story will help a student. And then finally, I got to the part where I told them that finally Spring quarter of last year, I got straight A’s. And I was done. They all clapped with tears in their eyes. I told them they didn’t need to give me applause haha, and then they just clapped even more. The professor too. Their final papers that I have graded so far have been amazing, each one talked about what I meant to them.

It was “Prince Player’s” birthday this week. I debated whether or not I should wish him. And then I thought I was being silly, regardless of what we’ve been through- I still value our friendship. So before I went to class, I quickly texted him wishing him and telling him that through all of our ups and downs- I can still stand him and I wouldn’t change a thing about our relationship. I thought he wouldn’t reply because he probably got a lot of wishes from females, BUT HE DID! He said thanks and agreed that despite everything that happened, I’m a blessing to him. I swear I choked up in class. And then I wondered how many other girls he said that too. And then I shrugged it off. This is the stage of PMS where I am emotional. I asked myself if “Heart” would say I’m a blessing and wondered if he thanks God for my presence in his life, my guess is no. But still. It was nice of “Prince Player” to say that.

I looked at my phone and smiled, Mr. Photography dude wanted to know what I was smiling at.

“An old lover” I said.

I hope you“Do you miss him?” he wanted to know.

I looked at the floor. “Sometimes”.

“You probably miss your new lover huh?” he asked smiling.

“I just hope they’re happy” I said.

“Well Sad Beauty. I hope you’re happy one day. I hope you stop tearing yourself apart over these men. I hope you get to walk on another runaway. I hope you become a teacher and inspire more students. I hope you can learn to be happy.”

I placed my camera down and looked at him.

I laughed to myself, “I am” I said.

What a nice thing for him to say.

xoxo. S.

Finals Week Drama: In Love and Teamwork

“Heart” and “Prince Player”

It always goes something like this: They are both talking to me at the same time, one of them is there for me when the other one leaves me, they are both not talking to me.

Right now- it’s the last one. It’s giving me a headache. I can deal with “Prince Player” not talking to me, that’s just him. Although he did send me texts and messages around this time last year to check up on me…not a single one this year.

the greatest irony bigWhat I can’t deal with is “Heart” not talking to me. What did I do? It’s been 6 weeks for goodness sake. It was so much easier to talk to him last year. People keep asking about him, but I don’t know what to say. I thought we were okay- but this has been the longest time that we have been separated without a reason.

Also, the start of finals is killing me. I had my research exposition and group presentations this week. There was so much drama with preparing all of this stuff and meeting with my groups. This one girl made us all come downtown to work on the project, I wrote my part last night…so basically I just went downtown to watch her work. She wasted my time dear god. For my other class, this guy that I was working with completely attacked another one of our team members saying she didn’t contribute a thing. She looked like she was about to cry. If that was me I would have broke down. And then after she left, he said he gave her a poor grade on the group member evaluations. I gave her a good one, I think she has a lot going on and tried her best in the project.

Anyways, if Fall Quarter is going like this, I have no idea what Winter Quarter is going to be like. Winter Quarter is always a nightmare for me….and for the first time Fall Quarter wasn’t so nice either. I’m worried. If I don’t see “Heart” before I go back home, I will be very sad to say the least.

All of my exams start next week. I hope neither “Heart” or “Prince Player” tell me drastic news around that time that will stress me and make me do poorly.

xoxo. S.