7th Week Back at School…Same Old Same Old

I want some excitement in my life.

Again this week, “Heart” didn’t come over. Tuesday I got teary eyed waiting for him, and Thursday I got teary eyed waiting for him. Yesterday, I found out that he left for Boston for an important conference…that’s why he has been so busy and didn’t the problem 1get to come over this week. I’m happy for him, but I miss him. As you may have read, I bumped into him twice this week. Everything about him- his eyes, his smile, etc.- killed me.

I didn’t get to see “Prince Player” either…but we did chat a little. It makes me sad that I have talked to him more than “Heart”. But at least I feel a little appreciated.

And then, for the second time this week- “SUGAR” CALLED… but this time, I didn’t pick up. What is his problem? He keeps trying to text me, skype me, and call me. I’m done with him. Yea I had a thing for him around this time last year…but isn’t he the one that left me for his model girlfriend? I honestly told him to leave me alone… He asked me why and I didn’t bother responding.

Class didn’t go so well today. In front of everyone, my photography professor pointed out the fact I am way behind on the photo editing thingy we were working on and that I’m really slow at following directions. Um, did he not get the memo that I have ADHD?!? Is it sad that this is the class I’m struggling in most right now?

Ughhhhhh. Same old, same old.

xoxo. S.

A Letter to Heart: “Three Weeks”

When we get to our “I haven’t seen you in three weeks…” mark is when I get sad. It’s when I look out the window and cry.

tumblr_mpkwr1hRLt1rzcaajo1_500And no, it doesn’t help that I got a wave from you on Monday after walking home from my class- you looked way to cute and I melted. And it still doesn’t help that I even saw you today morning before class, again you waved and smiled that smile for me. And I melted all over again. You would think that me bumping into you twice this week is a sign you should finally come see me.

It destroys me. It makes me tired, I can’t sleep at night. I just ask myself, “hasn’t it been three weeks since I last saw him?”

And then I get home. One roommate has her boyfriend over every other day, and the other has her little “friends with benefits” over every single day!

And me? I haven’t seen you in three weeks :(

xoxo. Your eyes and soul (how do you keep going every day without your soul and eyes?)

Things I Learned This Week…6th Week Back at School

What a week. I can proudly say midterms are over and I have learned a lot of things this week.

Again, I didn’t get to see “Heart” but I bumped into “Prince Player” again. Briefly. I decided to go talk to him, my friend gave me a look shaking his head- I mouthed “shut up” to him. “Hi!” I said really perkily. He asked me if I was drunk. No, I just didn’t take my meds that day… He asked me how I was, how my love life was, how midterms were. I answered all his questions. He seemed nice, but…flustered. It’s probably been a busy week for him as well.

Today, in class, Mr. Photography came over to me again. “Didn’t recognize you without your runway gear, Sad Beauty”. My jaw was on the floor, he was at the show?? What a stalker. “I’m glad you enjoyed the show, bye now” I said. He laughed and walked away. He loves my sass. And then went off to flirt with other girls because of my rejection. Oh well.

So what did I learn this week?

1.) Sleep at night is important

If I don’t get it then, I will get in the morning…as I miss the alarm and sleep through my morning class :0

2.)Having two guys stuck in my head is okay

It’s not my fault neither of them want a commitment. I love one-but he doesn’t believe in a future with me. I like the other- but he is a player and I feel insecure around him. But both of them have taught me a lot and bring so much into my life. If one more person tells me I don’t understand what it’s like to be in a committed relationship, I will flip. They don’t get it.

3.) Being a sizwhy fit ine 4 model is totally fine

Didn’t I prove that as I strutted my stuff in the fashion show? ;) And wasn’t it this year’s Miss Indiana in the Miss USA pageant that did the same exact thing as a size 4? We are healthy, we are women, the “normal” model/pageant size does not matter when we love ourselves and what we do.

4.) I don’t have to be a model to be happy

I used to love doing things like pageants and fashion shows to give me confidence and make me happy. But the thing is- I’m already happy. The best part of my “fashion show weekend” was the moment it ended and I went out with my best friend to eat tacos and gossip. As soon as I got home, I took off all the make up the make-up artist put on me- I didn’t need any of that. And then I woke up the next morning, took my midterm, and did really well on it! Isn’t this the joys of life? Having great friends, feeling naturally beautiful, and succeeding in something you working really hard for?

I’d like to think so :)

xoxo. S.

What I Learned From Being A Model For A Day…

About a month ago I saw a casting call at my school for runway models. This event they wanted models for was a charity event, it was $10 for guests to get in and all proceeds would go to the charity. This is a very fancy fashion show where everyone comes dressed up and watch 40 models wear designer outfits. I went to the show freshman year, and I just wanted to be one of the models more than anything.

So this year, when I saw the ad for the casting call- I decided to go. I get it. I’m not tall, I have hips, and I’m exotic- not your typical model. But this is for a charity and I hoped that’s what the judges understood. They sure did because when I went for my casting call, they made me comfortable saying I have an awesome name and for me to do a “walk” for them. I gave it my best, they smiled a lot, and a week later- I found out I made it :)

So yesterday was the big day. I was exhausted because I was studying for a midterm until 5 am Saturday night. Not to mention, I was flustered because I had bumped into “Prince Player” a few hours before that night and we had a long discussion. I didn’t know what to say to him, I love “Heart” but something tells me that I’m only 99% over “Prince Player” (which isn’t enough). And I can’t figure out what it is about him that I can’t get over.

Make-Up Preparations:

I wake up Saturday morning feeling exhausted and nervous. The manager for the show said wear little to no makeup so I just dabbed on some eyeliner and went.

When I got to rehearsal at 11:00 AM, I noticed every model was tall!!! Duh. I felt awkward immediately. One girl decided to point out I was wearing eyeliner and it was unfair :0 But a few hours later, the designer came to choose clothes for us and a lot of them had trouble wearing the stuff :) Whereas, cute little petite me fit a beautfiul wrap around dress perfectly <3 And the girl that made the comment about my eyeliner? Nothing fit her and she got a dress that looked like a farmer dress haha :) She was so mad!

Some models were very picky and wanted to wear a second outfit- so they got it. I only got one so I knew I had to own the runway while it was my chance.

A few hours later, we had to practice walking for the coordinators of the show. They did a run-through 4 times and said I had it down pretty well. But by that 4th run through, my feet were killing.

So an hour after that, people started coming for the show and we still hadn’t gotten our makeup and hair done!

And so I was rushed to the make-up artist and she did a beautiful job. A little too beautiful actually- I did not recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. But I barely had time to look because I was then rushed to the hair stylist. The fashion manager told the stylist to give me big bouncy curls so she did- it took 45 minutes and models were starting to get in their places for the runway.

So as soon as my hair was done, I thanked the hair stylist and quickly went to get into my dress!

Dress Preparations:

The dress I got to where was unique, it was a “wrap around dress” and there was a unique way to wrap it. So I come out of the bathroom with it totally open and asked for help. Both a model volunteer and fashion show manager shut the door immediately and got my outfit together. Even when the dress revealed more of my…chest then it should have, the fashion show manager took a safety pin and closed it up making the dress look classier and elegant than ever!

The Runway:

Pretty soon. Models were going one by one onto the runway! I thought there would be two models at a time (there were two sides to the runway) but know- every model was going individually. I waited and waited with my heart beating fast…

And finally the production manager cued me in and I walked out the door to the runway. The first thing I noticed were the flashing lights and cameras in my face. Before I fainted, I smiled really big and strutted my stuff in a medium pace to the music. I heard a lot of “ooos” and “ahhhs”. Then there was the press, so I posed with my hands on my hips and gave them a big smile.

And that was only the first part of the runway. I then had to walk to the other side and pose again. This time after I walked, I tossed my hair and gave the new side a smile. I heard someone yell “Ya!” And then I started doing my final walk off the runway- there were even bigger flashing lights and I told myself to breathe as people still had their eyes glued to me.

Finally, it was the next model’s turn and BAM! I had just done my first ever runway show :)

I walked out for the audience to clap after all the models had their turn and I finally noticed all the friends that came out to see me :) They were all shouting my name and I felt so humbled <3

I texted my mom a photo and she said she was proud of me and that I looked amazing.

After the Show:

At last, it was time to take off the $200 dress I was wearing and go back to being an ordinary girl. I put on my normal $25 dress I bought from Forever 21 and went to thank my friends for coming. They were all sweet and generous. My feet and thighs were killing- my best friend held my arm as she walked me home <3 Before that though, we stopped at the cafeteria and I had what I have been craving before the show- tacos.

As we walked home laughing and talking about midterms- I realized I don’t really have to be a model to be happy… I love being me and the friends I have <3

xoxo. S.

5th Week Back at School- Midterms Week

When I’m thinking about one man, I literally bump into the other. My goodness, Monday morning I woke up knowing this was going to be a crazy week with midterms. After class, I walked home thinking about my run in with “Prince Player” the night before Alls’s Fair in Love and ADHD and if I should text him. There were so many things I wanted to tell him, but it wasn’t worth it.

As I’m contemplating whether to send that text, I see “Heart!” People rush by us but we stare at each other and smile. I loved how I didn’t have to look at the floor or run my fingers in distress like I did when I saw “Prince Player”.

I saw “Heart” walk over to me and I smiled my genuine smile at him. “Hey girl” he said smiling an even cuter smile. I bite my lip and blush, I officially couldn’t breathe. “You’re not gonna give me a hug?” he asks as he puts his arm around me. Heavens I wanted to push him against the gate we were leaning on and kiss him! But I wasn’t sure if he wanted people to see us hugging…. He didn’t seem to care at the moment so I returned the hug. And then he had to get to class.

I liked bumping into him because I knew I couldn’t see him this week. Every day was busy for us this week, our mutual friend (my best friend) hosted another event Thursday night…I debated to myself a 100 times whether or not I should go- because if he happened to show up, I knew I couldn’t control myself. But finally I decided to just go, and thankfully….he wasn’t there. And I had a lot of fun at the event. We talked on the phone a little after and he asked me how it went. I feel very bad, because he really really wanted to go but he had work.

happyAnd then last night, I was hoping to see “Prince Player”.  I contemplated to myself a 1,000 times if I should ask him if he was still coming to see me. But in the end, I didn’t. I can’t let myself be an option to him. I couldn’t bare the chance of him saying “No I don’t think so, sorry” like he always did freshman year. Either I have to change, or he has to change. And he won’t, so I will.

So, I graded papers. I listened to Lady Antebellum’s new album. I thought about “Heart”. And I just tried to be happy.

All’s fair in love and midterms week.

xoxo. S.

Alls’s Fair in Love and ADHD

I couldn’t stop thinking about “Heart” these past few days, little did I know- that would be interrupted by “Prince Player”.

Why oh why does he always have to catch me at my worst? Yesterday, I had so much homework and studying for midterms to do. I barely did my makeup, I decided to go for a quick walk and pick up food.

As I’m thinking about “Heart” biting my neck and the way his hands felt around my waist… I see “Prince Player”. I stop smiling and snap back to reality. I try to turn my face and walk away, but then realized I had to wait where I was standing to get my food.

playerSo, he smiled when he saw me. I ran my fingers through my hair and looked up at the ceiling, then the floor. I didn’t know what to say to him. And then he was in my face. He is so predictable these days, “I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING” he says immediately. I try to hold in my laughter, I can’t believe I thought I could actually change his “player” behavior…

He talks about how he ditched me last weekend because he was busy and blah blah blah and then- “See. Well here’s the thing. I’ve kinda been seeing this girl and-” BINGO. Did I not tell you that was coming reader? Goodness gracious, can’t he see I am head over heels in love with “Heart”…why would I care if he has someone else? I just want my best friend back! I cover up the hickey “Heart” left on my neck and look at the floor again. He told me that I didn’t look too mad… How could I be considering- a) I predicted this would happen and b) “Heart” came over to comfort me at my worst and I totally forgot about him ;) I told him it’s like watching a movie on repeat, he is the same guy he was to me freshman year. He denied it and told me he can see me this weekend. I told him I am very busy this weekend (I am) but I am free on Friday. He asked me to send him a confirmation text. I told him I absolutely will not. I’m not his puppet, if he truly cares and wants to see me- he can come over and see me. He walked me home and I told him about me and “Heart”. He said “well I don’t like that guy!” I asked him who the hell he thought he was to tell me what he thinks of my men (as he is one of them and is no good for me himself).

My “high” that I got from spending time with “Heart” this past week is gone. I hate that I let “Prince Player” toy with my feelings like this. So much for being “best friends”.

Teaching and class went well today…I have a midterm presentation tomorrow, two midterm projects due Wednesday, and a midterm exam on Friday. My god. ADHD, love, and midterms are not the best combination!

xoxo. S.

A much better week back at school…in love and hormones

So after recovering from “Prince Player’s” usual behavior, I walked into class Monday telling myself that this is a new week and I’ll be okay. Right when the professor started talking, I got a text from “Heart” asking if I was available, his class was cancelled and he was in the area. I definitely was not available, I had that class I was in and my TA job afterwords. So I sadly told him I couldn’t see him and went to teach (it went much better this week by the way!) After I got back, I was so tired but thrilled to get a call from him. We talked for a while and agreed we would try to meet up Tuesday.

But then Tuesday came, and well…Aunt Flo decided to show up before he did! I was in so much pain and I didn’t know how to tell him…but thankfully, he was busy and couldn’t make it. And we talked on the phone again.

I was so sick. I ate a lot of ice cream and chocolate… My hormones kept waking me up in the middle of the night for various things.

the notebookStill I missed him so much and just wanted to be with him. The more people tell me he’s bad for me and I should find someone else, the more I want him. He said we will try next week.

But yesterday, right as I was asking myself if I should call him or eat some chocolate…he called saying he was in the area and can stop by :)

So as he stood in my apartment, I looked at his beautiful face I hadn’t seen in over three weeks and held it in my hands. God I missed him. I sat on his lap and told him I can’t take this, he embraced me as he said he is sorry he can only see me once every three weeks or less because of work, family, and school. His hands on my curves took away every ounce of pain I was experiencing. It didn’t last as long as I wanted… he had to get to class later.

“Hey. At least I was able to see you babe. Isn’t that what matters?” Yea I guess…

Whatever it is, I felt so happy for the first time in three weeks. I feel complete and so full of…life. I couldn’t stop smiling after he left yesterday.

Mr. Photography dude started flirting with other girls in class today…guess he couldn’t handle my rejection well. And let’s not even talk about “Prince Player”, my cramps are getting worse as I think of him.

Anyways, “Heart” really turned my week upside down- I hope next week is good too. Midterms start and I have all of these exams and presentations in the next two weeks. Wish me luck :)

xoxo. S.

Weekend Musings: It Takes Two…

For some reason, I had a feeling “Prince Player” wasn’t going to come over yesterday. For as long as I have known him, I’ve been there for him when he was down- never the other way around. So why would he start caring for me now anyway? I was still hoping he would stop by but I decided I would go out during the day and get some shopping done instead of waiting.

So I went to Forever 21 with one of my good friends and bought a few dresses. After spending 5 hours downtown, I came back home and looked at the time.Heart-broken-quotes-for-him-13 Yup, “Prince Player” definitely wasn’t going to come over. And I wasn’t going to bother sending another “Are we going to hang out today?” text. When my eyes started getting misty, I told myself to get a grip. This is exactly what happened freshman year and there is absolutely no way I am climbing back in that boat. If “Prince Player” is busy, he’s busy (he should have called though). If he’s with other girls, he’s with other girls. He can say he’s changed, but in my heart I know he hasn’t and things will never be the same between us.

What I didn’t realize freshman year is that it takes two. I always kept blaming “Prince Player” for his excuses and the way I felt when he’d ditch me. But as I’m growing up, I’m slowly starting to realize half of the problem is the expectations I have and the way I react. So I decided unlike freshman year that I won’t make myself feel lonely and stare at the ceiling. As much as I wanted to tell him more about my crazy ADHD treatment symptoms, I knew it wasn’t worth it anymore. I called my friend Gabby and asked if she was still free that night, I originally said I won’t be able to go out with her Saturday night because I thought I’d be seeing “Prince Player”. She said yes. I put on one of the dresses I bought from Forever 21 and we went out.

As Gabby and I were talking, I see a familiar face. IT WAS THE GUY FROM MY PHOTOGRAPHY CLASS! I choke on my virgin margarita for a second.

“Shit. Gabby we have to go” I said.

“What why?” she asked.

All of a sudden, Mr. Photography dude started coming towards me.

“Well if it isn’t Sad Beauty herself” he said.

“Uh. I have to use the ladies room. I’ll be right back!” Gabby said with a wink. Oh god.

Mr. Photography dude sits down.

“You look great. What happened? Had a hot date tonight and the guy cancelled?” he asks laughing.

I give him a serious look. And look at the floor.

“Oh shit. Shahz. I’m sorry.”

“Go away please. I am fed up with the male species at the moment” I say.

He leans over. “It takes two you know. Don’t be hating. Not all of us are like that, you should give us a chance” and with that he leaves his number on my table and walks away.

I choke on my virgin margarita again. Gabby comes rushing over. “OH MY GOD! I saw the whole thing. He’s cute! Where’d you find him? He gave you his number?”

“He takes photos of me in photography class and is not my type” I say.

“Heart wasn’t your type and now he is…” she says laughing.

She had a point there. But I can’t. I still love “Heart” and will never understand where I stand with “Prince Player”.

“I had to grow up, I wish you could too. I wanted to save you, but I can only save myself. Oh, I can only be the change I want to see. It takes two, two sides to every story. Not just you, I can’t keep ignoring- I admit half of it, I’m not that innocent. It takes two” Katy Perry <3

xoxo. S.

My dearest wish…will it come true?

Yesterday and today, I decided to be good and go out with my friends. For people with ADHD, this is not always an easy thing to do. That’s why I said I decided to be “good”.

P1020663So yesterday, we went to Chinatown and ate at a Chinese restaurant. At the end, I got a fortune cookie saying “your dearest wish will come true”.

It’s true, I could really use one right now.

Today, just as I thought my bad week was ending- I got other news. I didn’t get the second job I wanted on campus after making it to the final round of their interview :(

So, I put my phone with the email down and pulled my knees into my chest. I was sleeping and the notification woke me up. After some sighing and moaning, I finally got up. I regretfully decided to take a 3 hour photography class on Fridays this quarter and had to get ready.

I sat in class feeling like hell. I knew I would burst at any moment. And then, this guy who I’ve been eyeing all quarter came over to me.

“What?” I asked.

I was not in the mood to flirt today.

“What’s wrong with you, Shahz?” I swallowed back tears.

“Nothing…” I said.

“Can I take a picture of you?” he asked.

“How about no?” I responded.

“But you look so cute when you’re sad…” he said with a wink.

“Fine” I said smiling a little.

And so he did. Next thing you know, it’s up on the classroom screen with the title- “Sad Beauty”. And the class loved it.

Oh my. I have got to stop portraying myself this way :( There are so many good things happening in my life, but of course… I can only focus of the things that are going bad and keep wishing for a better day.

Sigh. Help me fortune cookie.

xoxo. S.

Third Week Back At School

fe644c2dc3335f29e18653fd0baed9aaSo Monday I woke up and put on my best dress to teach my students, as I do every Monday. I went to my own class in the morning and came home to freshen up before work.

I arranged a guest speaker to come in. Someone who inspired me and taught me a good lesson one time. I knew he would inspire my students, like he inspired me.

He actually said the “s” word at one point. His speech was all over the place. He started out saying “So…I didn’t really prepare anything special.”

OH MY GOD. None of my students got what he was saying. And so, after he left, I carried on with my lesson plan and all of a sudden all my students started laughing at me. And I asked “why is this funny?” And this student completely called me out on it saying I chose the wrong word or some crap. I am humiliated, I work so hard as their TA.

I cried so much after I got home. It might have something to do with the fact I started my ADHD treatment again. After it helped me for 6 hours, it made me sad put me straight to sleep.

I texted “Prince Player” to tell him about my crazy ADHD treatment symptoms, I think I’ll see him sometime this week. But that makes me nervous too. I don’t think he’s changed….something in my heart tells me he’s still the same. I wish I could explain my problems to “Heart”, but as much as he’ll comfort me- he’ll continue to question my love for him.

Wednesday I went to see the girls I mentor. Somehow, they always make me happy whether I’m on meds or not. “Oh heyy” they all said when they saw me. “GOT ANY STORIES?” By stories they mean “Heart” and “Prince Player”. I looked at the floor… my need for love has been low since the ADHD treatment began again.

The 10 year old that knows me the best perked all the other girls up, “Shaz has two boyfriends”. I raised my eyebrows, “I do not” I said. And then I realized, to these girls, anyone you have kissed in the past year is considered a boyfriend. And so I shrugged my shoulders.

I rested my head on the table and sighed feeling defeated. I don’t want my girls or my men to see me like this. “I know what your problem is” my 10 year old frHe Asked Me Who I Likeiend said after the other girls left. “And what would that be?” I asked.

“Simple. You love one, and like the other one.”

I’ll be damned. How did she figure that out? Even I could not explain my feelings for those two men in my life.

Today and tomorrow night, I guess I’ll go out after I finish my homework. I honestly prefer to be alone. But my friends might be just what I need.

xoxo. S.