Do you believe in life after love?

I do. But today, “Heart” made it absolutely clear he does not. At least not with me.

After six weeks of not seeing him, he finally texted last night. He asked me how finals were going and when I’d be leaving for home. I told him next week and we agreed that today might be the best day because I have my biggest final next week. He said he wants to talk, I asked him it was serious. He said no. I asked him if it was going to make me sad (you never know what he means by talk) and he said “No, I promise”.

I barely slept last night. I wondered if he actually wanted to talk. Usually when he says that, we don’t really end up talking. But seeing as I haven’t seen him in 6 weeks, I had a feeling it was serious. Most people have been telling me he has been playing me, I knew deep down in my heart that’s absolutely false. He and I have so much love for each other. And as I later found out, that’s exactly what he wanted to talk about.

It was a very cold day out in Chicago. I doubted whether or not he would come see me, but he did. I put on a cute dress and did my make-up. He kissed me as soon as he walked in. So far so good I thought. As I held him in my embrace, he said he had to do homework. Uh what. I thought he was joking, so I laughed. But he said he seriously needed to submit something. So I said go for it. And then he changed his mind. All of a sudden, he was holding me in his embrace again. After being intimate for 10 minutes, he stopped.

“What does this mean to you?” he asked. Here we go again. I told him. And he said, “Look I’ve been talking to a lot of people. I’m becoming more religious, focused on work, focused on academics- and everyone tells me this is wrong. It is wrong to be intimate with a woman I have no future with”. Of course, he refuses to accept me to have a future with him.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have came over. See, this is why I wanted to do homework first, so I could have time to think about what to do. I didn’t mean to get intimate and break-up with you” he said.

I shook my head. Something tells me he would have done the same thing even if he had “time”.

He went to take the picture of us off my bulletin board. “Don’t” I said stone cold. “I’m sorry. I just think it will help you forget about me better”. “Don’t tell me how I can forget you. You have already done enough” I said trying not to cry.

And so he came to me. And said something that would alleviate anyone’s accusations of him being with another girl, “For the longest time, I had your photo as my phone wallpaper. Not this one, but of you on the night we met. But I had to remove it because when I was here last time, 6 weeks ago, I almost told you that I love you”. It all made sense now. And might I just add, there’s something “Prince Player” would not have done.

“So that’s why you haven’t been here in 6 weeks. Because you loved me and were trying not to love me” I said.

He held my hands and nodded, “You deserve to do all these things with someone you can have a future with. And so do I.”

I swallowed back tears and he started packing up. I thanked him for telling me all of this in person and he thanked me for letting him come over. Before I forgot, I found the bracelet he left behind last time he was here and I gave it to him, “You might not want to forget this”. He wore it and grabbed my wrists. And he placed his lips to my ear, “Use your time in Denver to forget me. Good luck on finals and have a safe trip back home”. I could barely speak, “Okay” I whispered.

And then he was gone. No kiss, no extra hug. I watched him walk away. I cried for a solid 5 minutes and went to bed. I had a nightmare that I was caught in a fire and paralyzed. I looked up the meaning, apparently it means that I have strong passion to someone and I am participating in risky activities- hence “playing with fire”. Well I guess my horrible dreams speaks for itself.

I wanted to keep fighting for us, but I know this is a losing battle for us. We can’t explain our culture and religions to others if we tried. But the thing is, I was willing to have a future with him. He on the other hand, does not believe in life after love. He used love as an excuse to end the life in our relationship.

“No matter how hard I try, you keep pushing me aside. And I can’t break through, there’s no talking to you. So sad that you’re leaving, takes time to believe it. But after all is said and done, you’re going to be the lonely one. Do you believe in life after love? I can feel something inside me say, I really don’t think you’re strong enough”.

xoxo. S.

The Good Parts of this Week

My last post didn’t really address the good parts about this week…I decided to write this one.

On Monday, I taught my students the unit on Academic Success. I told them the sob story (the story about me being diagnosed with ADHD my freshman year). The story of my weakness, a medication that turned me into something I’m not, and how I overcame it. I didn’t cry thank goodness, I kept it together. Every time I felt a tear coming on, I just swallowed and told myself that my story will help a student. And then finally, I got to the part where I told them that finally Spring quarter of last year, I got straight A’s. And I was done. They all clapped with tears in their eyes. I told them they didn’t need to give me applause haha, and then they just clapped even more. The professor too. Their final papers that I have graded so far have been amazing, each one talked about what I meant to them.

It was “Prince Player’s” birthday this week. I debated whether or not I should wish him. And then I thought I was being silly, regardless of what we’ve been through- I still value our friendship. So before I went to class, I quickly texted him wishing him and telling him that through all of our ups and downs- I can still stand him and I wouldn’t change a thing about our relationship. I thought he wouldn’t reply because he probably got a lot of wishes from females, BUT HE DID! He said thanks and agreed that despite everything that happened, I’m a blessing to him. I swear I choked up in class. And then I wondered how many other girls he said that too. And then I shrugged it off. This is the stage of PMS where I am emotional. I asked myself if “Heart” would say I’m a blessing and wondered if he thanks God for my presence in his life, my guess is no. But still. It was nice of “Prince Player” to say that.

I looked at my phone and smiled, Mr. Photography dude wanted to know what I was smiling at.

“An old lover” I said.

I hope you“Do you miss him?” he wanted to know.

I looked at the floor. “Sometimes”.

“You probably miss your new lover huh?” he asked smiling.

“I just hope they’re happy” I said.

“Well Sad Beauty. I hope you’re happy one day. I hope you stop tearing yourself apart over these men. I hope you get to walk on another runaway. I hope you become a teacher and inspire more students. I hope you can learn to be happy.”

I placed my camera down and looked at him.

I laughed to myself, “I am” I said.

What a nice thing for him to say.

xoxo. S.

Finals Week Drama: In Love and Teamwork

“Heart” and “Prince Player”

It always goes something like this: They are both talking to me at the same time, one of them is there for me when the other one leaves me, they are both not talking to me.

Right now- it’s the last one. It’s giving me a headache. I can deal with “Prince Player” not talking to me, that’s just him. Although he did send me texts and messages around this time last year to check up on me…not a single one this year.

the greatest irony bigWhat I can’t deal with is “Heart” not talking to me. What did I do? It’s been 6 weeks for goodness sake. It was so much easier to talk to him last year. People keep asking about him, but I don’t know what to say. I thought we were okay- but this has been the longest time that we have been separated without a reason.

Also, the start of finals is killing me. I had my research exposition and group presentations this week. There was so much drama with preparing all of this stuff and meeting with my groups. This one girl made us all come downtown to work on the project, I wrote my part last night…so basically I just went downtown to watch her work. She wasted my time dear god. For my other class, this guy that I was working with completely attacked another one of our team members saying she didn’t contribute a thing. She looked like she was about to cry. If that was me I would have broke down. And then after she left, he said he gave her a poor grade on the group member evaluations. I gave her a good one, I think she has a lot going on and tried her best in the project.

Anyways, if Fall Quarter is going like this, I have no idea what Winter Quarter is going to be like. Winter Quarter is always a nightmare for me….and for the first time Fall Quarter wasn’t so nice either. I’m worried. If I don’t see “Heart” before I go back home, I will be very sad to say the least.

All of my exams start next week. I hope neither “Heart” or “Prince Player” tell me drastic news around that time that will stress me and make me do poorly.

xoxo. S.

Return Address: If My Dog Could Talk

Sister,

Stop. I have watched you cry about the same two boys for two years now. Don’t you know some of us love you for…you? I dog quotehate when your tears hit my fur. All I can do is lick your face and try to soothe you. But you just continue to drown me in your tears.

Every morning, I see you take the same medicine. You are so happy for 5 hours. But then you sink in to the darkness. And then I see you on the bathroom floor and the sad look on Mom and Dad’s face. Sister please.

Hearing you laugh makes my day. I jump on you because when you are finally happy, I get happy and I can’t control my excitement.

I see you look in the mirror and change into 100 different outfits. There is nothing wrong with your figure.

I have watched you get yelled at for your grades, but I have also watched you celebrate as you improved them and conquered your biggest battle. I am so proud of you.

On those days you lose however, I am still here for you to lean on.

You have no idea all the things I would say, if I could talk.

xoxo. G.

Inspired by: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/return-address/

Return Address: Yesterday, your pet/baby/inanimate object could read your post. Today, they can write back. Write a post from their point of view (or just pick any non-verbal creature/object).

9th Week Back At School: I’m Okay (In ADHD, Love, and Roommates- A Letter to “Heart”)

I’m okay. Pull my bra straps up. Put my make-up on. Tell myself I’m okay again. That’s the daily routine.

Yesterday was a hard day. I had to laugh and pretend to be happy- but I wasn’t.

It’s been a crazy week preparing for my research exposition and finals.The new treatment has been helping me with my grades, but I’m starting to feel weak. Roommate #1 has a boyfriend now and he is constantly here. And of course, Roommate #2 already has a boyfriend and he is constantly here as well. They wanted me to hang out with them, but I wasn’t interested in being the fifth wheel. Thank goodness I already had plans. I had a feeling you wouldn’t be coming over, so I went out to a Greek restaurant with a few of our friends. I found it interesting how the restaurant played a lot of Arabic songs and had belly dancers. I thought of you the entire time. Ironic that yesterday was the one year of me catching your eye while I was belly dancing at the party. I love going out and having a good time, but I only like to dance for you and you know it! At one point, I had to go to the restroom and take a deep breath- the music and dancing was way to familiar. This isn’t easy, and ADHD makes it way harder.

Then I had to go to a meeting. I saw “Prince Player” and didn’t talk to him. At least I tried not to. My body was getting heated. After what he said in our little snapchat I was pissed. But he said hi, so I said hi back. That was it. Are you happy?

But it isn’t him that makes me feel so pathetic. And it isn’t you. Well it is but not really. IT’S EVERYONE. Because, a few people had the nerve to ask me about us. They informed me that everyone is saying we had a big fight and are over. What nonsense. If only they knew the truth. And then they wanted to know what was really going on- I told them it was none of their freakin’ business. This new treatment is making me insane and I am easily irritated. No one understands how I feel, they hear but they don’t listen. Except you and Sam.

You know Sam. Stop stealing all my best friends! I heard you guys go out once a week. He thinks your cool. I went out with Sam after the meeting. He told me I should forget you, and “find a new fish”. I like how he is a friend to you, but is a friend to me and protects me at the same time. But I can’t forget you. I am a mess. Last year, it was you that came into my life and reminded me of how perfect I am. And remembering how you hate me being sad, I keep telling myself everyday that I am okay. I am. I am. I am. I am.

But… please stay with me, because you’re all I need :(

xoxo. Unsure if I am still your eyes and soul.

That day I told “Heart” about “Prince Player”….Celebrating Our One Year By Myself

I remember being in our lust phase when “Heart” and I were flirting one day. And all of a sudden, “Prince Player’s” actual name came up. He was just talking about some random dude who has the same name as “Prince Player”.

“I don’t like that name….that’s the name of the guy who dumped me” I said.

“Aw. Why?” Heart asked.

“Because he was a player. Hooked up with one of my good friends too” I said.

“Oh I’m sorry Shahz” he said.

“It’s okay, I deserve better” I said.

“EXACTLY. One day, some girl will play him and he will understand” he said.

I laughed but I felt bad. “I don’t know…” I said.

“Look Shahz, you live and learn. One day you will meet a guy who will be so good to you” he said.

And then as we got closer, I told him that “Prince Player” said my butt was smaller than the other girl’s… “Heart” smirked- “What? I think it’s perfect!” he said as he grabbed it and winked.

It was on this exact day last year I caught his eye and he completely turned my world upside down. Out of these 5 weeks that he hasn’t come over, I was hoping he would today to celebrate. But obviously, he didn’t.

boysIt’s been a very tough week because of this. I have been so down and emotional. Today I made a joke to “Prince Player” saying how he shouldn’t slack because our baby camel needs child support (read My hope is in a little stuffed camel… thanks to him.) And this baby daddy says “he ain’t gettin any”. And instead of getting heated, I just said “Oh. I forgot you have other babies….” To which he responded “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” I must have some serious PMS because I was not okay with him saying all that!!! What a douchebag thing to say. He just made it obnoxiously clear to me that he is with other girls. Which, why would I care anyway as I like “Heart”? Oh that’s right, because I haven’t seen “Heart” in over a month.

I hate how neither of them are there for me when I need them. For what it’s worth though, this year has been one of the best years of my life because “Heart” was a part of it. I miss him so much, I can’t stand it.

xoxo. S.

A Letter to “Heart”: When I Get Sad…

love pic 8Dear “Heart”,

It’s been almost five weeks since I last saw you. Did you know it’s our one year this week? It’s making me so sad. Everyone tells me that I should think of the time I was the most happiest when I get sad…You know what they don’t know? The time when I was most happiest was when I was falling in love with you!

Whenever you left my place, you would grab me by my hips, push my hair away, and whisper in my ear- “Hey. Don’t cry after I leave. Have some wine, listen to some music, and know we will see each other again one day.”

And then I’d smack you as I laughed, and you’d grab my wrists and lock me up inside your arms. Then you’d kiss my nose, you loved my nose…

Every time, I walked you out to the door and watched you walk away. As soon as I got back to my room, I’d take off my eyeliner and do exactly what you told me not to do.

So when I get sad, I cry tears of joy and laugh to myself at the funny moments we had together. I’m telling you, if someone walked in on me doing this- they’d think I’m nuts.

But what else can I do…when I get sad?

xoxo. Unsure if I am still your eyes and soul.

In My Dreams

I saw “Prince Player” twice in my dreams yesterday. What is going on here haha??

It’s been a crazy week of group projects and papers. I attempted talking to “Heart” but we didn’t talk much and he still seems busy. My heart is starting to ache.

sleep dreamMy favorite escape from everything when I’m exhausted is sleeping (like most people). So last night, I went to sleep and woke up this morning saying “Prince Player’s” name. Suddenly my eyes were wide open. I placed a hand over my mouth and gasped. Why had I said his name?? As my memory started coming back, I remembered. I had just had a dream I was at a wedding with “Prince Player” and having a wonderful time. He was introducing me to random people and making me laugh. I researched the meaning of dreams about a wedding. The dream dictionary said that having a dream about being happy at a wedding means I’m really happy about a new change in my life.

I am happy. But what has changed? The only thing that has changed is my relationship with “Heart” and that does not make me happy!

I stared at the ceiling. There were two hours left for my class to begin. I went back to sleep to see if I can see where the heck this dream was going…it didn’t work.

So I got breakfast and went to my classes. And then I met with a student. When I got back, I decided to take a nap to make up for the beauty rest I didn’t get last night.

AND GUESS WHO APPEARED IN MY DREAM AGAIN?? Yes. This time though, “Prince Player” was crying and then I started crying…

Very, very, opposite dreams. I don’t really dream about people a lot, so when I do- I really think about it. I always wish I could see “Heart” in my dreams- but I never do. Except for that one time in Song of the Week: “No Air” by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown.

And then- when I woke up from this dream, who do I have a Snapchat from? “PRINCE PLAYER”! Have I gone crazy?

“It’s a sign” my guy friend said.

“NO” I said.

He shook his head. My friends have a constant “Prince Player” and “Heart” debate. He’s the one friend that’s on the “Prince Player” side.

“You do know that Prince Player isn’t good for me either right?” I asked.

“Yes. But if I had to choose between both of the bastards- I would prefer you to be with Prince Player!”

I shook my head and rolled my eyes.

In my dreams.

xoxo. S.

7th Week Back at School…Same Old Same Old

I want some excitement in my life.

Again this week, “Heart” didn’t come over. Tuesday I got teary eyed waiting for him, and Thursday I got teary eyed waiting for him. Yesterday, I found out that he left for Boston for an important conference…that’s why he has been so busy and didn’t the problem 1get to come over this week. I’m happy for him, but I miss him. As you may have read, I bumped into him twice this week. Everything about him- his eyes, his smile, etc.- killed me.

I didn’t get to see “Prince Player” either…but we did chat a little. It makes me sad that I have talked to him more than “Heart”. But at least I feel a little appreciated.

And then, for the second time this week- “SUGAR” CALLED… but this time, I didn’t pick up. What is his problem? He keeps trying to text me, skype me, and call me. I’m done with him. Yea I had a thing for him around this time last year…but isn’t he the one that left me for his model girlfriend? I honestly told him to leave me alone… He asked me why and I didn’t bother responding.

Class didn’t go so well today. In front of everyone, my photography professor pointed out the fact I am way behind on the photo editing thingy we were working on and that I’m really slow at following directions. Um, did he not get the memo that I have ADHD?!? Is it sad that this is the class I’m struggling in most right now?

Ughhhhhh. Same old, same old.

xoxo. S.

A Letter to Heart: “Three Weeks”

When we get to our “I haven’t seen you in three weeks…” mark is when I get sad. It’s when I look out the window and cry.

tumblr_mpkwr1hRLt1rzcaajo1_500And no, it doesn’t help that I got a wave from you on Monday after walking home from my class- you looked way to cute and I melted. And it still doesn’t help that I even saw you today morning before class, again you waved and smiled that smile for me. And I melted all over again. You would think that me bumping into you twice this week is a sign you should finally come see me.

It destroys me. It makes me tired, I can’t sleep at night. I just ask myself, “hasn’t it been three weeks since I last saw him?”

And then I get home. One roommate has her boyfriend over every other day, and the other has her little “friends with benefits” over every single day!

And me? I haven’t seen you in three weeks :(

xoxo. Your eyes and soul (how do you keep going every day without your soul and eyes?)