Second Week Back At School

Today there was a fire drill. I was sleeping very peacefully in my lingerie. Every time there is a fire drill, I’m always not ready. Last time I was in the shower. And this time- well I just told you. I quickly pulled on some leggings and a hoodie hoping nobody I knew would walk by and see me standing outside looking so…tired. Hey, you never know when these things are real or a drill.

May I just say “Prince Player” never ceases to amaze me with his poor word choice lol…?

Last week, after training- I bumped into him a few days later. I was sitting with a friend and telling him all about my summer and fantastic (or so it was then) love life. And “Prince Player” popped out of no where.

So he started conversing with us and asked me for a hug. I declined because I was hating him at the time for…well you know, for being a player. And then he starts telling our friend how I get annoyed quickly and says- “It’s easy to get to the bottom of her hole! I know how to get to the bottom of her hole!”

I just burst out laughing. I don’t know who felt more awkward- me, our friend, or him. I think he realized what he said and quickly stated, “Oh my god. Bye” and shook my hand as he walked away. I was to busy laughing to decline this intimate contact with him.

So after he left, our friend gave me a look.

“NO. DON’T” I said.

“So….does he know….? How to get-” he started asking.

“NO. NO. NO. NO” I said.

I’ll be damned if he does.

love-quotes-for-her-if-you-just-give-me-a-small-chance_largeAnyways, things have been going okay. Some days my teeth hurt so bad, some days I can barely feel it. My classes are not too bad and my first day of teaching went well. “Heart” didn’t come over this week and he explained to me for the billionth time that this isn’t going to work out because of his work/family life. “I don’t want to keep you waiting, hun” he said. I told him it doesn’t have to work out, I just want to see him and I will continue to wait.

So yea :( I’m a little sad. And I know I shouldn’t trust him and keep waiting for him. But I still want him.

xoxo. S.

Anxiety is hard…thank you to the people who understand

Before I talk about how yesterday got better thanks to “Heart”, I would like to say something. Because of my wisdom teeth surgery, I’m off my ADHD treatment until I recover. Which really stinks. And also explains the reason why I was extremely anxious yesterday.

Saturday, the day of my move in- my teeth were hurting extremely bad. And suddenly things got hectic on the car ride there, my brother started screaming. And then I started screaming. And then suddenly my head started killing and I thought I was gonna black out. And so I started crying loudly and yelled “Oh my god! Just stop! My teeth and head hurt! MOM!!” To which my brother yelled even more and my mom (thank goodness for her), slammed the brakes and yelled at my brother, “What the hell is your problem? Don’t ever yell at her like that! Your sister is in psychiatric treatment! Don’t you get that?” And she rushed over to place an arm on me and said, “Calm down honey. It’s gonna be okay.” And then my brother felt ashamed and said, “Oh…I forgot…Shahz I am so sorry. Please. Forgive me.”

That day I realized something. I do have anxiety. And, I love my mom. This whole summer she and I have been fighting, I don’t know why- but that moment of how she practically saved my life, makes me pray that I will never lose her.

anxietyAnd so yesterday, you may have read in Healing….in teeth and love that I was not having such a fun day. I started getting anxious about my classes, how I’m going to go to class when I’m still trying to recover from surgery, the cost of my textbooks, my new class that I have to teach, what “Heart” said about me, and then lastly- “Prince Player” not paying enough attention to me. When I got home from training and that last thing happened, I just finally broke. And I thought of my mom and how much I miss her. And I couldn’t stop crying.

It was at that moment “Heart” texted asking if he can come see me. You better believe I said yes. People ask me why I love the bastard? Literally, when I am at my absolute worst- he is always there somehow. So half an hour later, I was in his arms and he made me forget about everything. So yea, he and I have our ups and downs. He may be an asshole. But he was there for me just like my mom was. I told him about my little anxiety attack and his wisdom calmed me down. “Heart” gets it. So does my best friend Sam. So does my mom.

Thank you to those of you who understand :)

xoxo. S.

Healing….in teeth and love

What a crazy few days :(

Healing from emergency wisdom teeth surgery and coming back to school at the same time has been no joke. Today marks one entire week of having to get all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled out.

I knew something wouldn’t go right when the surgeon and nurse said “You’ll be okay! There’s people who ate a steak the next day!” Not true. I can’t even eat a grape.

Take my advice everyone, get your wisdom teeth out when you’re 18 and young. Don’t wait until you’re 20 and your teeth have bigger problems and wisdom teeth surgery makes things worse!

I walked outside for the first time in 4 days today. After moving in Saturday, I have refused to leave my place (my face was huge and I’m still slurring my words). All my friends have been kind enough to visit and drop off get well gifts. I had 15 visitors so far! I felt so popular <3 Until today. Today, I had training for that teaching job. And this was not something that I wanted to excuse myself out of. So I woke up, showered, made myself look as good as a model- and went. My face looks cb6a7ffcfe8a3728a12e55aa0c59469cnormal now anyway. And well, I must have forgotten that “Prince Player” would be there! Because really, whose face did I see first? His. And what do you know- he’s a heck of a lot popular than I am. Every single time I got a chance with him- someone would interrupt. In the end I just gave up and texted my friend Sam.

Sam came to visit Sunday and gave me some info about “Heart”. My worst day of healing (Friday), Sam had bumped into “Heart” at a party. “Heart” told Sam, “Hey man. See that girl right there, I’d get with her.” And Sam asked about me. To which “Heart” asked “Who?” several times. And Sam repeated over and over again until “Heart” finally said “OH! You mean Shahz? Dude she’s crazy. Yea we probably made out a few times…but hey she’s nothing.” HOW. COULD. HE. I’m glad Sam waited until my teeth pain was manageable to tell me this. Because then I just shrugged it off and I assured Sam, “Oh well. He was just probably drunk. He always comes back to me.” And Sam said “Okay” to make me feel better. But today I messaged “Heart” as we were planning to see each other this week, and he never responded. So maybe he did mean what he said. And I am sad. These men never change do they? :(

What the heck readers? Weren’t we the ones that were expecting an amazing welcome back from both of these men after See You Later (To the Men of Sophomore Year). I guess Fall is their season and Spring must be mine. Because both of these players currently have more people in their “circle” than I do while I was totally owning Spring.

Last night, I had this crazy dream that my mom found out about the men in my life. She said, “we need to talk”. My god I was so scared I thought it actually happened! I think if she found out, she’d be dissapointed that I let the men in my life treat me the way they do.

I hope everything heals fast. My teeth and my heart :(

xoxo. S.

My Wisdom Teeth Are Out (Ow!)

Sigh. Right when I got back on the plane to America, my tooth started aching again. Remember I told you guys in It’s a bad day, not a bad life…? Yea, it started aching again. So we went to the oral surgeon on Tuesday…and as it turns out, the other wisdom teeth are in wacky positions and bound to give me trouble as well. So the surgeon recommended I get all of them out. I was super scared as I have a flight back to Chicago tomorrow and start school in a few days. But at the same time, there is no way I can get enough healing time if I got them pulled out in Chicago.

wisdom teethSo before I knew it, I was put to sleep and woken up 45 minutes later. That is when I felt the pain. I didn’t eat anything the rest of the day, I had a milkshake and that was it. Yesterday, I thought I could be cool and eat a PB&J sandwhich (I WAS HUNGRY!) and well…my mouth hurt for the entire day :( So now I’m back to pudding, ice cream, and mashed potatoes. I’m on all kinds of painkillers that keep making me dizzy and slurring up my speech.

I just want to socialize and be with my friends :( Do any of my readers have tips on how to heal faster?

xoxo. S.

I’m home :)

Hello readers :)

Yes, I’m back from India. What an inspiring and happy trip. I miss everyone already :( It is so weird. When I’m there, I want to be here. And when I’m here, I want to be there.

There was no time to rest, every day was full of weddings or visiting family. But still, I had a nice time.

Before I left, I wanted to tell “Prince Player” and “Heart” I was leaving. Two weeks isn’t such a long time but I had been conversing with them over the summer and didn’t want to disappear without saying anything. I waited all week because well I don’t really know… Actually number 1, I had my Chem final the day before I left (so I was studying like crazy all week). And number 2, I’m always nervous to make the first move and talk to them first.

But suddenly it was the day before leaving and I had no choice. I was extremely tired as I studied all night for the Chem exam and spent the whole evening doing last minute gift shopping for my relatives. But still, it was then or never.

I messaged both of them.

To “Prince Player”, I said I was leaving for two weeks, won’t be able to text or blog, wished him well (as he was going back to Chicago), and that I will see him in a few weeks. He responded immediately (for once) and told me to have a great time. I liked. It was so sweet of him.

“Heart” was a bit more complicated. I had conversed with him a little as I was cramming for my Chem exam. He wanted to talk then, but I couldn’t. He said he’d be free the next day, but not evening. So as I wrote, I was busy all day and was bummed when I got back at 11:00. I had a feeling “Heart” wouldn’t text back. When the clock read 4am, I decided to just go to bed. And when I woke up the next morning, there was a text from him. I had a few hours until my flight left so I was able to speak to him <3 I told him I was sorry for not texting him earlier and thanked him (he was busy that day too) for speaking to me one last time before I left. He told me to stop apologizing and that he will miss me. We ended our conversation with him telling me that I shouldn’t worry about anything and to have a nice time.

And so I left America happily, with Heart’s love and Prince Player’s friendship in the back of my mind. I sent them both a lot of pictures when I was away, niether of them ever responded. They were probably busy. Yesterday, I messaged all my friends saying “Home. What did I miss?” “Heart” answered that question very well. He responded with one word, “Me.” We talked a little and I asked him if he missed me back and he said yes <3 I was happy.

missing someoneBecause when I was away, I missed all my friends and “Heart”. And I had to keep telling myself that missing someone is okay because the more days that go by, the closer I am to seeing them.

Usually, whenever I go to India, the year following it is tough. I don’t know why, but it happens. Freshman year of high school, junior year of high school, freshman year of college, etc.

My mom says that those are naturally very tough years for everyone and that junior year of college will be just fine.

I certainty hope so :)

xoxo. S.

Greetings From Abroad

Reader! Sorry I didn’t write a post before I left. Things were crazy busy.

I write to tell you that I made it safely and am very jetlagged. It’s currently 5 in the morning here and I am so bored. My brother and I are at the gym lol. For two more days, we will be in this part of India. This is the fancy part of India that most aren’t familiar with. It’s clean, a lot of people speak English, and there is wi-fi! On Wednesday, we will go  to our actual hometown in India. Where things are the exact OPPOSITE. But still, I’m excited to see my family.

Hope to write to you soon reader, most likely when I get back to Denver.

Till then,

S.

It’s a bad day, not a bad life…

bad dayMy god. What a day yesterday. I had actually been having a great few days before as I told “Prince Player” what I needed to tell him (about the new ADHD treatment) and “Heart” has finally been communicating with me. But the thing is, my lower jaw and a tooth have been aching for weeks. It’s been really hard to get hold of a dentist because of our new insurance. But yesterday, I woke up to even more pain and a migraine. So I finally found one and went to see him.

As it turns out, I have an ingrown wisdom tooth. The dentist wanted to perform an emergency extraction and I was okay with that. However, my parents were not. They said there is no way I will heal in time as I have my Chem final on Thursday and we have a 26 hour flight to India on Friday.

Holy. Crap. Why does everything ALWAYS happen to me at once? How am I supposed to take a two hour exam and travel half way across the world with this pain? For some reason, I wanted to immediately talk to “Heart” or really anyone but I just told myself to forget it. I just cried all day about my untreated toothache and continued studying for Chem.

My parents say I can get it out once we get back in two weeks. Or in India if it’s “that big of a deal”. But really. Two weeks of this pain :(

Later last night, I overheard my mom tell my dad how crazy I am and how my new ADHD treatment is just making me crazier. It made me even more sad. When did she become like the rest of society?

A teardrop ran down my face.

Imagine the look on her face when she saw me in the doorway as I heard the whole thing. She gasped when she realized.

“Don’t” I said.

A few weeks ago “Prince Player” and I were conversing and he said “Man it sucks being us.” At the time I shrugged it off and sent him an inspirational quote about how God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. I thought about it yesterday. But, even my own positivity just couldn’t help me.

So I told myself, it’s a bad day…not a bad life.

xoxo. S.

Summer is almost over…in chemistry, love, and traveling

Sigh. What a week. Monday started out with a huge Chem midterm. I passed :) Next week, I take my final and I will be all done with Chem 2! And the day after that, I’ll be heading to India <3

Wednesday, I went to see my new ADHD specialist and she has started me on a new treatment plan. I wanted to text "Prince Player" immediately…but I got all shy so I waited. I decided to tell him later that night. I messaged him saying "I need to tell you something btw". No response. Oh well… he'll just have to hear it when he sees me I guess.

Most of my friends said I should tell "Heart". But…I can't. I'm not ready yet. This can either make or break our relationship, and I just need more time. I'll tell him when I see him.

The specialist asked about him by the way. She asked if I was in a relationship. I giggled and got all teary eyed. I just said…"On and off". And then she asked, "Is it on or off right now?" That was an interesting question. I had to laugh as I said "On". Because, for some reason…it feels off. I wish he would talk to me more. Like we did over winter break. Does he not get that I'm going to India a week from today and won't be able to communicate with him for two weeks? I really hope the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true.

xoxo. S.

If the Men In My Life Were Gilmore Girls Characters…

Tristan“Sugar” would be Tristan: Tristan is kind of an ass, and loved by every female- except Rory. And although he is so flirtatious, the only girl he has “a thing” for is Rory. Sounds exactly like “Sugar” and me.

 

logan

 

“C” would be Logan: “C” comes from a wealthy family and is very afraid of commitment. Logan was the same way.

 

 

Christopher“Prince Player” would be Christopher: This was a hard one! “Prince Player” is really one of a kind because I just could not find a character in the show that resembles him. But I thought and I thought and I thought about how “Prince Player” and I had a good connection, left me at my worst, and is now there for me and understands me when I need him the most. And in the show, the character who does that is Christopher. Christopher and Lorelai have that on and off relationship after she gets pregnant with Rory and he leaves her. But he comes back years later and gets Lorelai’s quirkiness the way others don’t. She relies on him when she’s at her worst and they have their little inside jokes. That is very me and “Prince Player”.

jess and rory 1“Heart” would be Jess: Oh yes. I saved the best for last. Calm down ladies…really who did not fall in love with Jess watching Gilmore Girls? Jess was the troubled bad boy that worked in his uncle Luke’s diner. He knows Rory better than anyone else. After falling for “Heart”, I would always think about how he resembled Jess. He’s very handsome, hard working, “bad”, and passionate about me the way Jess was to Rory. All the reviews about him say that he was the only ex-boyfriend of Rory’s that she stayed on good terms with. I hope if “Heart” and I split- we stay on good terms as well.

Did any of you watch Gilmore Girls? Who was your favorite?? :)jess and rory

xoxo. S.

I Wish He Would Stop Smoking…

I woke up this morning, and had my daily morning routine. I sneezed three times and coughed up some weird stuff. Yup, Daddy’s smoking is really messing up my system.

I love my Dad. My dad works 16 hours a day to provide me everything I need and is always there for an extra boost of encourage. But I absolutely HATE his smoking.

When I was young, my grandpa told me Daddy started smoking with his buddies when he was 14 and it was hard for him to quit since then. “You see Shaz, smoking is bad. It can possibly kill you. Please, please, tell your dad to quit. He won’t listen to me!” I was six when Grandpa told me. SIX. I didn’t know smoking was bad, I just knew that if Daddy didn’t get his smoke twice a day- he’d be mad. And so I did what Grandpa asked.

I could see a sense of shame in my father’s eyes that day. Hearing from his six year old daughter that he needs to stop smoking so that he could be there for her one day. But it was hard. Although he reduced his intake, he still did it. And then three years later, Grandpa passed away. And Daddy stopped smoking for good. Boy was he pissed for the longest time. But by the time I was in high school, he took in to other hobbies and forgot all about it.

But then, college began. And Daddy’s new job began. Daddy’s job with rich men and fancy lifestyle. And what does he do with them? Enjoy life and smoke. Yup, there he goes again.

He’s trying to quit again. And I’m leaving for school soon. So it’s not bothering me too much. But here’s what Daddy doesn’t know. I smoked once. ONCE. And it was probably one of the most liberating days of my life. No, I never touched a cigarette again…but how could I blame him?

xoxo. S.