Since when did they become more important anyway?

9 am Denver time, my phone is buzzing- it’s my friend from back home wanting to skype.

“How about no” I say half asleep with my dog on top of me.

“Omg!! Shaz. WAKE UP. We need to have our weekly gossip sesh” she says.

“There is nothing to gossip about” I say.

“Which man is it this time? Heart or Prince Player”

Okay now I’m awake. I get on skype.

“Both” I say.

“Start with the one you love the most” she says.

“He’s not speaking to me! Like, nothing. No snapchats, fb messages, texts, phone call. NOTHING!”

“I see, how about the other one?” she says.

“He likes someone else. What’s new.”

“Why does this make you upset?” she asks.

“I’m not. I’m happy for him!” I say.

“Keep telling yourself that. Answer my question” she says.

“Becauseeeeee. This always happens. We get together when we are at our worst, we comfort each other, and then I think we have a chance of being together- AND THEN BAM! He admits he likes someone else. I’ll never be more than a friend to him” I say.

My friend can only make a sad face at me.

“Did you tell him that”?

I take in a breath. “No way.”

“Why not?”

“Because he likes her. And I love Heart. We both deserve something good” I shrug.

She sighs, “Well Shaz, I called to congratulate you on passing Chem….but I can see only men can make you happy now. Since when did they become more important?”

I laugh. I’m really proud of myself for passing Chemistry (I start Chemistry 2 today, dear God help me).

SJP-as-Carrie-carrie-bradshaw-24029211-500-374After thinking for a long time, I respond, “They aren’t. But I don’t know. Everything is going great, but there is that one hole in my heart. And without that space filled- I am incomplete.”

“You really are a writer, you know that?”

I wink at her. And with that, we are done. Hopefully I’ll have something better to tell her next Monday!

xoxo. S.

 

 

A Letter to Him, A Letter to Me

Well this is exciting. I’ve been pulling out my hair so much out of my missing “Heart” and I read in this book that a good thing to do is write a letter to someone, and then write one to yourself as a response from them.

Great. Here goes nothing.

For “Heart”:

Why oh why do you make me suffer, dear “Heart”? A month has passed since I last saw you and spoke to you. Do you plan to go the whole summer without saying a word to me? The World Cup ended Sunday so you can speak to me now.

Spare me the reason of your absence sweetie. I get it, I was a little out of it on our last day together. Could you blame me? I was upset over what happened the week before, I was in a rush to get all the crap out of my dorm, and we got together so last minute. I swear, timing is our worst enemy.

But knowing you, this probably isn’t it. You’re probably using this summer break to get over me and you’re trying to give me a hint to do the same.

I also know you have a lot going on. I hope work is going well. I hope your mother is well. And I hope your family oversees is doing well, yes I heard about what is going on in Palestine :( It isn’t fair. Have you heard that song “In a World Like this” by the Backstreet Boys? You probably have and you’re gonna deny it. But, it reminds me of this. And it reminds me of the question you asked when we first met- “Do you think the world is fair?” To which I responded, “Absolutely not”. And I tell you again, it isn’t. Stay strong. I’d like to cue the song now and say “In a world like this, I’ve got you” but it doesn’t seem like you want me.

So now I go back to eating madelines and praying that you’ll text me.

xoxo. Shahz. (no longer your soul or eyes)

***And so now I place myself in his shoes and write a letter to myself. Oh dear lol, bear with me!”

For Shahz:

God Shahz, why do you like me so much? I told you to stop. Yes, I’m using this summer to give us both space. You and I both know that this isn’t going to work….”in a world like this”. Did you like how I quoted the song? ;)

How dare you insult my love of soccer? I totally knew Germany would win. Anyways, don’t worry about our last time together. I was being a jerk anyway. I’m sorry. If we are together in the Fall, maybe timing will be better.

Yea, things are fine here. I’m good, my mom’s good… and you may have noticed from my Facebook status today that I am pissed the fuck off. It’s devastating Shahz! I love your homeland, I heard you’re going there to see your family in a month- have fun.

And what are you still doing listening to the Backstreet Boys? You’re so weird I swear. I do want you, you know that…but, to quote you again, “in a world like this” it isn’t happening.

Cool it on the madelines, sugar ain’t good for you!

And…I kind of need my soul and eyes. Don’t be so dramatic.

-Your Heart

How’s Your Love Life?

Meh. Now I know how Bridget Jones felt when people asked her that.

That’s what “Prince Player” wanted to know from me yesterday. I told him it was non-existent. As niether he or “Heart” seems to give a damn about me.

“Oh stop Shaz” my friend Steven said the last time I felt this way.

“Let me tell you something, all Prince Player wants me as is a side dish. I am his appetizer/snack. I cheer him up when he is down, we get together, and then he later confesses to me that he likes someone else. And so he leaves me for his main dish” I said.

“Okay…you’re not making any sense. Translate this for your non-writer friend” he said.

Loud sigh from me. “He will never see me as more than a friend. I have tried over and over to change his mind” I said defeated.

“Ah okay. You see that makes more sense. But…what about Heart?” he asked.

I stay silent. I look at the ceiling adefine complicatednd then at the floor.

“Shaz?”

I exhale.

“Oh. My. God. You love the bastard don’t you?” he asks.

I stay silent.

“Okay how about this. Let’s start from the beginning. Did you love Sugar?” he asks.

“Meh. Not really. He was always an impulse kind of thing for me” I say.

“Okay, how about C?”

I spit out my virgin-margarita “Oh my god. NO. EF NO.”

“Alright, alright, jeez. And….Prince Player?”

“No way.”

“Okay. So….Heart?”

I swallow. And then I look at the ceiling and back to the floor again. And then side to side.

“SHAZ. JUST ADMIT THAT YOU LOVE HEART AND CARE ABOUT HIM MORE THAN ALL THE OTHER GUYS!” my friend says frustratedly.

I swallow again.

“Well fine! Yes. I love the bastard who loves me back but tries not to every single day! The one who is cruel to me because he loves me but doesn’t want to love me because he is afraid of how society will view our differences. The one who constantly tries to make me feel degraded so that I would stop loving him. Yea. I do” I say.

Steven looked taken back. “No Shaz. You love the man who rescued you at the weakest point in your life. The one that rose you up and reminded you of who you are. The one you saw as a future husband and potentially having kids with. The one that made your life seem like a temporary fairytale. That is the man you love” he says.

My virgin-margarita does no justice. My glass is empty and so is my heart. A tear rolls down my cheek, “It’s complicated, Steven. Mine and his relationship will never be about love. It will always be about a forbidden romance in two very different cultures that refuse to accept differences.”

And so we sit there, both defeated.

So how is my love life? It’s complicated.

xoxo. S.

 

Summer Musings Part 2- Friends, Chemistry, and Men

Today, I slept in after doing some late night Chemistry homework last night. These past few days, my friends suddenly started remembering that hey, they have an isolated friend in Colorado that exists. Because after not talking to any of them for almost a month- my phone has been buzzing!!! Monday, it was my best girlfriend from college that I have spent oh so many late nights with. Tuesday, it was Eitan. Yesterday, it was Evan. AND TODAY.

Today. As I said, I was sleeping very peacefully and I heard my phone buzz loudly. I looked at the alarm, it was 10 something and my dog was on top of me. I had a gut feeling it was “Prince Player” for some reason. “Move over sweetie” I said to my dog wanting to get to my phone. She refused so I reached over her and got it.

IT WAS “PRINCE PLAYER”. Suddenly, I was wide awake. As usual I responded and we had a nice chat and he never responded. Typical. That little bastard.

So then I went bacAlicia 1k alicia 2to missing “Heart” and studying Chem.

When I’m not studying Chemistry or missing “Heart”, I am watching my favoritealicia 3 TV show- The Good Wife. This weeks episode reminded me of my feelings for “Heart”. One time, my friend wanted to know what I liked about “Heart”- I sent him a 3 page text about it (it was basically what I wrote in A Face to Call Home), and his response was exactly what happened in the picture.

Sigh. I wish he was one of the people that would have checked up on me this week.

xoxo. S.

A Face to Call Home

Yes reader, after a week of wallowing, I am ready to write again. Sorry, sorry, sorry- all of this Chemistry and missing people back home is just too much!

The week before summer vacation started, I told “Heart” that he is all I think about when I close my eyes. He wanted to know why as usual, I just could not for the life of me explain. And so I attempt to do so here.

Right before I met “Heart”, I was torn. I felt betrayed by “Prince Player” and all my other friends, and my family had moved to Denver. I was just learning how to deal with my ADHD- and it seemed like everyone just bailed when I needed them the most.

And then, I met him. “Heart” and I had so many conversations about what home really is. He insisted that I stay in Chicago and he surprised me by saying that he is actually going to be visiting my new hometown of Denver over winter break.

I didn’t believe him, the guy I was falling in love with was really coming to my totally isolated new hometown??? Sure enough- there he was working in my local mall! It was like a fairytale. Every single day throughout our six week break, we talked to each other about what we thought of Denver and Chicago. I started enjoying my new hometown because he took my mind off of missing Chicago. In between, he learned all the pretty and ugly about me. He went into a territory most lovers of mine don’t go to- the truth about my past lovers, my health, my culture…and he accepted all of it. As he left to go back to Chicago, we agreed that we would get together once I return as well.

And so, when I came back to Chicago- there he was, standing so beautifully outside my dorm. I felt like a princess- he reminded me of who I am. “Prince Player” and everyone’s actions made me turn into an ultra-sensitive drama queen. But “Heart” came into my life and reminded me of the sweet and strong woman I am and always have been. After everything I went through the year before, I needed something good to happen in my life- and he was it. His humbleness has changed me and inspired me. I look at his face, a reminder of Chicago and my first winter in Denver- and he is, a face to call home.

xoxo. S.

My Sophomore Year Recap: In Moving, New Jobs, Health, and Love

It’s been almost two weeks since school ended and I already miss everyone, especially “Prince Player” and “Heart”. Last school year was the year of betrayal, but this year…was the year of changes. A new house, new job, new man, new health problems, and new field of study. Here’s my recap!

September: The first day of school, I found out that my family’s move was official…and so was the hook up between “Prince Player” and my friend. After I cried on the bathroom floor for 6 hours, I decided it was time to get over it. I had my first official day of work the next day and I was so proud of myself. I had conquered so many battles over the past year and didn’t need this to ruin my happiness. I told myself that I don’t need him or her.

Both of my new jobs began and I loved working.

October: My family moved and I felt lonelier than ever, I went to visit my new house in Colorado and absolutely hated it.

I kept seeing “Prince Player” and her around. I knew they had a big fall out and didn’t speak to each other anymore, but it still hurt. I hated seeing him and knowing that what we had meant nothing to him. And I hated seeing her and knowing that our friendship meant nothing to her. Really, it just killed me that both of them betrayed me the way they did. I could NEVER hook-up with one of my friends crush. And I could NEVER give a guy mixed signals and leave him for our mutual friend. I hated both of them so much at this time.

Later, “Prince Player” and I started chatting again and discovered we have a very big thing in common. We got together one night to talk about this and to sort out the drama between us. It really didn’t go so well…

November: I was dancing at a school event when I noticed the cutest boy ever. I went up to him and introduced myself, we exchanged numbers immediately. This was the guy that would become “Heart” <3 After I got home, we talked all night. And every single day after that. He got me thinking about so many things and he was so easy to talk to.

The day after, “Prince Player” and I decided to hang out- to try and see if we can finally sort out this drama between us as I still had feelings for him. Again, it didn’t work. And he admitted he was seeing someone else. The next day, “Heart” asked me out- and I said no because I was too hurt by “Prince Player” to start something new. To this day, I still regret that decision.

December: I was surprised to find out that “Heart” has family in Denver and was coming to my new hometown for winter break! We talked every single day during our month and a half long break. I even went to visit him and introduced him to my mom.

January-February: We all came back to school and I fell in love with “Heart”. We couldn’t get enough of each other <3 In a way I was thankful that “Prince Player” did what he did, otherwise I would have never met “Heart”. “Heart” took care of me well and made me a better person.

Mid-February- “Heart” broke up with me for the first time. I agreed with the decision, we loved each other too much and it was getting difficult to be together.

March: I discovered the lump and although it was first diagnosed as “stress”, I later visited another doctor found out that indeed something wasn’t right :( So there I was heartbroken, lonely, and depressed. I was dragging myself to the doctor without my mommy and a giant course load full of science courses that were hard to pass. One day, I finally got up the courage to text “Heart”- I told him that not a single day has gotten easier. He offered to come see me, and I let him. I will never forget that day. He held me in his arms as I told him about all my problems. He was so supportive and everything felt right again.

Mid-March-May: A series of fallouts began to happen with “Heart”. He was becoming more stressed and less serious about our relationship. The way he spoke to me didn’t feel right anymore. The passion between us didn’t feel right anymore. I could feel our romance dying. I started feeling like an outsider in his eyes. And for some reason, this made me miss “Prince Player”.

Mid-May: By this time, I was over the move and got used to be being by myself. But I hated not being in love. “Prince Player” and I began to talk again. I slowly began to realize why I had liked him before. I could see him changing and becoming a better man, so I wholeheartedly forgave him.

I gave up my second job. It was weighing me down and with another health issue on my mind, I realized I need to take care of myself before it’s too late. I found out about the person that will be taking my place, a good friend of mine, I was very happy for him- but he would never stop talking about it and I became jealous :( But again. I told myself that I do so much for others and as “Prince Player” and many others once told me, I need space.

June: “Heart” came back. After he said he would never want to come back, he did. As usual he apologized for everything he did before and reminded me that I come from a different world and our relationship can’t go far. Yet, I could see his love for me in his eyes…and I felt the same love for him.

“Prince Player” and I caught up again and I finally gave him my side of the story about his little “scandal” with our friend. I told him everything I knew about it and how much it hurt. He gave me his side as well. Instead of feeling relieved, I was sad. He provided all of this new information… Remember when I wrote in a post “There are so many questions I want to ask him, but don’t want to know the answers to?” Yea, he gave me those answers that day. They say the truth hurts, and everything that “Prince Player” said and did STUNG. But, he apologized a billion times. And I could see he regretted it. And so, after everything was said and done, I felt something with him that night. We finally got back whatever it was that we had last year. I looked into his eyes, and I was happy.

Now: I am proud of myself for making it through this year, and my amazing grades this past quarter. Colorado is nice, but my dad’s having trouble with his work and I fear we will move again. I am happy I was able to see “Prince Player” one last time before Summer and clear the air with him. This year was a much better year for us than last year, we have jumped over so many common obstacles. And the other man? Well yes…I dream of “Heart” and write 1,000s of poems about him, but he can be so cruel at times. Why can’t he love me the way he used to love me?

Only time will tell what’s going to happen next with everything.

xoxo. S.

So all in all, this is what I learned this past year:

rules

Sophomore Year Recap and Summer Musings

inspiration part 1I never thought this day would come reader. I have been waiting for my report card to write you guys a Sophomore Year recap post. And…I GOT STRAIGHT A’s!!!! Who would have thought, the girl that was on probation last year could climb up like this? I would like to thank all of you, my family, my friends, and the men in my life for popping in to help me out when I needed all of you the most <3 Now I can only pray that I continue to do well.

Forgive me for neglecting you reader, I have been rather busy. I enrolled myself in a Chemistry course and I have to spend 5 hours on it everyday. Yay summer school! But hey, I figure I will take another shot at achieving my dreams and use my summer wisely. Not to mention, Colorado makes me feel so darn lonely! I know NOBODY here.

It makes me miss “Prince Player” and “Heart” terribly :( I wish I could talk to one of them. The last time I had a break this long, “Heart” was here and we talked every single day for 6 weeks. Now I have 12 weeks without him and we are not talking. I always wish that things can go back to the way it used to be, but sadly- there’s no such thing as a time machine :(

Anyways, because of my loneliness- it would be nice if you could stop by every now and then, reader. I promise I will amuse you with my wit and charm!

xoxo. S.

Song of the Week: “Maps” by Maroon 5

Readers, my recap of Sophomore year is coming I promise, it’s a rather long post! I was driving yesterday, missing both “Heart” and “Prince Player” and this song came on. I didn’t recognize who sang it at first, I thought to myself and realized I knew that voice. I thought no it can’t be, it can’t be Maroon 5 because I have heard ALL of their songs! How come I have never heard of this one? Oh yea, because it just came out YESTERDAY! I am amazed, usually when artists make new songs and albums- they suck. But Maroon 5, they keep getting better and better!

I would like to split this song and give a portion to each of my current lovers.

The chorus is really applicable to “Prince Player” (I italicized it in the lyrics).

But really, every other line is so applicable to “Heart” (not italicized).

When I first heard it, I had a feeling that the song couldn’t be just about love. And Adam Levine says: “I think it’s kind of about a lot of things. It’s complicated. It’s also kind of not giving up on things too. People go through a lot of things and get stepped on and step on others and we all make mistakes … It’s kind of more about not giving up on something, even though maybe you should.”It’s amazing how that second to last line applies to “Prince Player, and the very last line is how I feel about “Heart”.

Lyrics:

I miss taste of the sweet life
I miss the conversation
I’m searching for a song tonight
I’m changing all of the stations
I like to think that, we had it all
We drew a map to a better place
But on that road I took a fall
Oh baby why did you run away?

I was there for you
In your darkest times
I was there for you
In your darkest nights

But I wonder where were you
When I was at my worst
Down on my knees
And you said you had my back
So I wonder where were you
All the roads you took came back to me
So I’m following the map that leads to you
The map that leads to you
Ain’t nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following to you
The map that leads to you
Ain’t nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following

I hear your voice in my sleep at night
Hard to resist temptation
Cause all these strangers come over me
Now I can’t get over you
No I just can’t get over you

I was there for you
In your darkest times
I was there for you
In your darkest nights

But I wonder where were you
When I was at my worst
Down on my knees
And you said you had my back
So I wonder where were you
All the roads you took came back to me
So I’m following the map that leads to you
The map that leads to you
Ain’t nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following to you
The map that leads to you
Ain’t nothing I can do
The map that leads to you

Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Yeah yeah yeah
Oh oh

Oh I was there for you
Oh In you darkest times
Oh I was there for you
Oh In your darkest nights

Oh I was there for you
Oh In you darkest times
Oh I was there for you
Oh In your darkest nights

But I wonder where were you
When I was at my worst
Down on my knees
And you said you had my back
So I wonder where were you
All the roads you took came back to me
So I’m following the map that leads to you
The map that leads to you
Ain’t nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following to you
The map that leads to you
Ain’t nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following

See You Later (To the Men of Sophomore Year)

I can’t believe it reader, both “Prince Player” and “Heart” came over to say goodbye (well technically it’s see you later since we’ll all see each other in the Fall, but that’s too wordy so let’s stick with goodbye). “Heart” came over yesterday, and “Prince Player” came over the day before. Really, I was expecting both of them to ditch me.

Let’s start with “Prince Player” since he came to say goodbye first.

I had a long day because I had pulled two all nighters in a row and I had cramps (yes they are still going). And I had so much packing to do. But I was excited to see “Prince Player”.

And…it went better than I expected. I finally told him everything I was feeling and he apologized many times again. He also told me all the answers to the questions I have been wondering about. And the answers I never wanted to find out :( It was so sad, I couldn’t speak. I held back tears as he told me to talk and tell him what I was feeling. It hurt me that he couldn’t understand me without me even saying anything, like the way “Heart” does.

When I said that, he said “Yea because you had a different relationship with him…and you know that”. And that’s when it sank in, all the memories of me and “Heart”. The way he used to look at me, the way he used to hold me, everything.

I shook the memories out of my head and decided to enjoy my time with “Prince Player”. We caught up on everything that happened in each other’s lives this past year. I was so amazed at how much he and I both have matured. I couldn’t believe that he is actually turning into a man, why didn’t he do that sooner?

And so I looked into his eyes for a while. “What is it?” he asked. “Nothing…” I said. “It’s just. You’re one of my last goodbyes and…” I was trying to say ‘I’m not ready to let you go yet’ but instead I continued “…and it’s hard”. Then he said “Don’t tell me what’s-his-face is your last goodbye…” I didn’t want to. But at the same time, I didn’t even know as “Heart” had work and finals. I knew he was busy. I shrugged my shoulders,”He might be. I don’t really know…” But hell, even I didn’t want “Heart” to be my last goodbye- I liked my goodbye with “Prince Player” better.

Even though we talked a lot about “her”, he gave me the comfort I needed. And all the stuff that didn’t feel right before, finally feels right now. Soon we said goodbye, it was beautiful like the way it used to be. We held each other in a long hug.

And then, I got a call from “Heart” yesterday morning.

see you soonHalf of me didn’t want to see him, but half of me did. I already had a nice goodbye with “Prince Player”, why do I need one with “Heart”? I asked myself. Oh yea, because “Heart” gave me the love I deserved and was there for me at my worst I told myself. And so, I let him visit. Being with him didn’t feel as uncomfortable as it did last time, but that spark we once had is still missing. Ever since he drunkenly texted “there is no future for us, have a nice life”, I have been feeling a disconnect from him. I stared at him for a long time, “Talk Shahz.” he said. Well then…there’s something he and Prince Player have in common, they both want me to open up more. But here’s the difference between them both- as I have mentioned, “Heart” understands me even when I don’t say a word.

He pulled me into his chest,”I know you’re going through a lot. And you don’t want to say goodbye. F*** ADHD, F*** boys, f*** everything that you’ve been through this year. You’re smart and you’re strong.”

And people wonder why I like this guy so much.

“I like you. I really like you. I’m going to miss you so much. Hopefully you have a boyfriend when we come back in the Fall. Someone better than me. I’m a mess” he said.

“But you’re my kinda mess” I told him.

He laughed, “You’re beautiful. You’ll find one easily.”

He’ll never understand that he’s the only one I want.

And so we also said goodbye, and held each other in a long hug. It was also a beautiful hug like the one “Prince Player” and I shared.

I cried after he left. Both of us are a mess. When we first admitted we liked each other, we had immediately told each other that this relationship can’t get to far because of our family backgrounds. And I still remember his text right after he told me,”life= not fair”. But still, we fell deep in love with each other.

Saying goodbye to “Heart” and “Prince Player” were the hardest. “Heart” has taught me so much about life, he has helped me love myself and reminded me of who I am. “Prince Player” has taught me a lot about being strong. If it wasn’t for my grief over “Prince Player”, I would have never met “Heart”. I gave “Heart” a chance because “Prince Player” didn’t want me. And the short time I had with “Heart” were probably the best few months of my life.

I wonder what Fall will bring the three of us.

xoxo. S.

Give me… space?

In the midst of all the drama this week, I bumped into “Prince Player” yesterday. As usual, he catches me at the wrong times. For some reason I was sooo emotional when he came over to speak to me.

I gave him a few updates of what happened this week, and then I demanded to know why he didn’t come see me again like he said he would. And he said, “Oh…well…here’s the thing. Um. I just figured you wanted some space.” I stared at him, I could sense myself getting more emotional, “Space? Why does everyone think I need space these days?!?” Poor thing, he answered it so well “It’s just you do so much for others and well, we all just think you need time for yourself.” This is where I got all happy and went “Awww!”And then…a second later, I thought to myself he is really lying about something.

I shrugged it off, I trust him these days anyway. As we spoke some more, he said “You have an eyelash on your face.” I was going to get it but he placed his hand on my face and took it off for me! I felt my heart beat faster, I swear I was going to start crying again. In my head I asked myself ‘would “Heart” have done that for me?’ and then I told myself to stop being a baby and that yes, “Heart” would have done that for me. And so the rest of our interaction went exactly like this (me being sad and then happy, and then sad and then happy). Even he asked me why I was so emotional, I wanted to say PMS but I realized that I’m not due for a while. And so I just said “hormones”. And got teary eyed again.

And then it was time to go. We agreed that we would meet up next week, I trust that he won’t ditch me and we will get a nice goodbye before we leave (unlike last year).

So I came home and was all of a sudden dizzy. I noticed a red stain on my jeans…GO FIGURE. No wonder why I was so emotional! Right in between moving out and finals. The only thing I need space from is hormones.

xoxo. S.